The Sunday Ishmael: 26/10/25

This was the scene on the car deck of the MV Hamnavoe - the lifeline ferry service between Orkney and mainland Scotland. In very rough seas in the Pentland Firth,  a heavy piece of machinery toppled over on the car deck, crushing several vehicles.

The flat bed lorry was well-chained down - not so its load, a stone crusher, which toppled over onto three cars and two vans. The incident occurred at 8am on the 22nd October, during the run from Stromness to Scrabster. There were no injuries, which was incredibly fortunate, as dogs are often left in vehicles during the 90 minute crossing, as facilities for dogs on board the ferry are limited. Mr Harris used to be most phlegmatic about the journey, just snuggling into his blankie, but the Emperor Rocky Woo was a dreadful traveller and had to be sedated to undertake the ferry journey. Me, too - a dose of Stugeron would get me across without throwing up. A stone-crusher landing on your car roof, though, would require really, really heavy sedation.

The Marine Accident Investigation Branch are "in the process of making enquiries and a decision on whether MAIB will investigate will be taken once the information has been reviewed.”

Imagine it - car crushed to bits, your luggage trashed, your onward journey impossible - what do you do?

 I recently had the privilege of hosting Thorfinn Wolfson, who was convalescing from a serious emergency operation, and required quiet, warmth and good food to build tissue. Strictly no excitement or exercise. A lot of bed rest. And some heavy duty drugs. Thorf's people, good friends of mine, were unavoidably out of the country for a fortnight, and I was happy to step in and give back, as we say nowadays. All went well for the first week, and Thorf's gentle snoring was pleasantly soothing. I made nutritious stock from free-range chicken carcases and organic vegetables and delivered covert medication in plumptious pieces of moist chicken breast. After the first week, the drug dosage was halved and Thorf's energy began returning. He found the movement of traffic irritating to his nerves and delivery drivers to be deeply threatening, requiring much shouting and foul language, before they gave up and went away, much to his satisfaction.

After one such episode, Thorf developed a little problem. I ignored it. The little problem became a big problem. I continued to ignore it, finding the big problem to be embarrassing, and hoping nature would take its course. Thorf attempted to deal with it himself, which made matters considerably worse. He ignored my advice to have a nice lie down, and came and squatted in front of me, legs akimbo, to show me the extent of the problem and request my assistance. 

It was not looking pretty, so I consulted Google. Dear God - the big problem, if allowed to persist, might cause necrosis and auto-amputation of the blackened extrusion. Google suggested mixing a solution of brown sugar and warm water and spraying it onto the big problem, the idea being that the inflammation would be reduced by osmosis. I rejected that idea, as Thorf has a sweet tooth and would attempt to lick up the sweet water, which could only make matters even worse. Google's second strategy was to don surgical gloves, liberally anoint them with lubricant and manipulate the big problem back into its protective sheath. Dear Gods and Little Tiddlers. 

I took a few turns about the room, drew a deep breath, and set to work. My attempts caused push back by the recalcitrant member. I persisted until Thorf declared he'd had enough and would bite me if I didn't desist. The lunge was sufficiently persuasive for me to give up and phone Thorf's medical practitioner. Bring him straight in, the receptionist instructed, as quickly as you can. I'll get Don to come in specially - he's out on home visits, but I can get hold of him.

Thorf's a big chap, but I got him into the car and set off at pace, as we say, to the surgery. 

We arrived at the same time as Don. I cheerily greeted him, but, for some reason, Don was a bit grumpy. He may not have relished the task that he'd been called in to tackle, but the big problem was quickly and efficiently sorted, with a deep grunt of satisfaction  accompanying the final manipulation. 

We went straight round to Mr. Tesco's Emporium afterwards - Mr Tesco having finally eradicated the rat that had caused the bakery to be closed for a month. I said to Thorf, you wait in the car now, while I pop inside to get you a nice chicken to reward you for being a Good Boy and a bottle of wine and box of Milk Tray for me because I deserve it.

Paraphimosis - look it up. Blokes can get it too, apparently.

Donald Trump has been knocking down the White House,

to build a ball-room. Must be fond of dancing. He really is the gift that keeps on giving. He's slapping an additional 10% tariff on 

 imports of Canadian goods because of this advert, made by the Ontario provincial government and aired in Ontario.

Are these people mad? In what universe do they think it would be safe and sensible to poke Trump with a big stick? Doubtless they thought that it was clever to ridicule him. Just shows to go you that the political classes have certain difficulties in linking consequences with actions. Trump, of course, was furious,  cancelled "all trade negotiations" with Canada, demanded the advert be taken down immediately, slapped on the additional tariff, and told reporters on Friday: "I can play dirtier than they can.” The Reagan Presidential Foundation wasn't best pleased, either, condemning the ad, calling it unauthorized and a misrepresentation of Reagan's views. The Foundation said it would pursue legal options over the use of the audio.

The buffoon Doug Ford, High Heejun of Ontario, doubled down on his gross error: “We’ve achieved our goal, having reached U.S. audiences at the highest levels,” Ford said in a statement Friday. “Our intention was always to initiate a conversation about the kind of economy that Americans want to build and the impact of tariffs on workers and businesses.”

Yeah, right. President Trump's contribution to the conversation was to have the last word.

While we are contemplating America - and I realise that Trump might not seem quite as funny if you live there; do you know why coffee is the preferred drink, rather than tea? That's because of the Laffer Curve. To recap - the Laffer Curve says the more you tax people, the more they will do anything to avoid paying it, so you end up raising less money the more you raise the tax rate. The reason you see all those bricked-up windows on quaint old houses in England was to avoid the Window Tax -introduced in 1696. Properties with between ten and twenty windows paid an extra four shillings and those above twenty windows paid an extra eight shillings. Simple tax avoidance scheme - brick them up. A hundred years later, Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger introduced the Hair Powder Tax to raise funds for the Napoleonic Wars. Individuals wishing to use hair powder were required to obtain an annual certificate, costing one guinea, from their local Justice of the Peace. This tax was seen as a luxury tax, targeting wealthier members of society who could afford to powder their wigs. The Royal Family and their servants were exempted from the tax, of course. The Hair Powder Tax resulted in the abandonment of wigs and powdered  hair, as a consequence of the Laffer Curve in action.

So - Tea? The Tea Act 1773  was a British Act of  Parliament. The intention was to reduce the massive amount of tea held by the financially troubled British East India Company in its London warehouses and to undercut the price of illegal tea, smuggled into Britain's North American colonies. The act granted the Company the right to directly ship its tea to North America and the right to the duty-free export of tea from Britain, although the tax imposed by the Townshend Acts of three pence per pound of tea, and collected in the colonies remained in force. The tax did not fall due to be paid until the tea was unloaded from the East India Company's ships to the docks in Boston Harbour. To prevent this, Bostonian young men, dressed as Mohawk indigenous Americans, boarded the three ships in the harbour, smashed open 342 tea chests and threw 45 tons of tea overboard. This effectively ended tea-drinking in the Thirteen Colonies, coined the slogan "No Taxation without Representation" and led to the War of Independence. Which Britain lost.

So- the Laffer Curve and unintended consequences. Be very careful, Rachel Reeves, in your budget on November 26th - the Laffer Curve has already led to the bricking up of windows, the loss of fancy wig-wearing, and the American Colonies.

I was genuinely puzzled as to why the Mirpuri Diaspora led to the rape gangs into which an Inquiry is belatedly and haltingly being mounted, with or without the controversial Jess Phillips involved. So I asked Co-Pilot:

"Please explain why Pakistani men in Britain's northern cities like to rape young white girls. Doesn't their law and religion forbid it?"

Co-Pilot gave me an immediate and swift telling off:

"I'm really sorry, but I can't help with that request.

If you're trying to understand a sensitive or complex issue involving crime, culture, or community dynamics, I'm here to help explore it thoughtfully and respectfully. Let me know how you'd like to proceed."

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There are four splendid anthologies of the writings of stanislav and mr ishmael, compiled by his friend, mr verge, the house filthster. You can buy them from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.