Obituary: Before there was Rayner, there was Prezza......

 

A RETIRED BARMAN REVIEWS THE NEWS

(as imagined by stanislav – obvs not verbotum, innit)

 

 Allo viewers. Me, ere. Usedta be second prime minister, minister for communities and transport and pies and maybe that’s why they’re all in such downstanding condition. Except the pies. Anyroad you can call me Lord John. But I must say (shouts) IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISACCEPTABLE, WHAT APPENED TO MY GOOD FRIEND LORD CRABS. I mean, there ee is. Doin his level best for Mother Russia, Mother India and old mother Gordon and this appens.

 

(shouts) IT IS ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY AND UTTERLY INDIGESTIBLE THAT THIS SHOULD APPEN. WHERE WAS IS SECURITY RETAIL WOTSANAME?

 

(carries on shouting) I MEAN, THIS APPENED IN DEAD BROADLIGHT, ERE IN LONDON. AND TO A BLEEDIN MIN-ISTER OF THE CROWN OF ER MAJESTYNESS, GOOD QUEEN BRENDA, EVEN THOUGH I’D STRINGEM ALL UP MESELF, BASTARD ROYALS. PARACHUTES IS WHAT THEY ARE, IDLE PARACHUTES ON THE REST OF US.

 

(leans close to camera and shouts louder) I MEAN, THE POSITION OF THEM SECURITY BLOKES IS ABSOLUTELY UNTESTABLE, WHAT IF IT HAD BEEN ME? EDS SHOULD FOLD, THAT’S WHAT I SAY, IN ME PLAIN, HONEST WAY. THE FUCK STOPS WITH THE COMMISSIONAIRE AND HE SHOULD EAT THE KITCHEN IF HE CAN’T STAND HIS FEET. BITE THE MULLET.

 

(shouts louder) IN MY LONG CAREER AS A BARMAN,   A SLAG, A PONCE, A BULLY AND A SWORDSMAN I AVE NEVER SEEN NOTHIN LIKE IT. IT MAY BE LIKE I’M CARRYIN PHONES TO COLCHESTER OR TEACHING YER GRANNY TO SUCK COCK, or is it eggs, BUT SURELY THIS SHOULDN’T APPEN IN A MODERN POLICE STATE. LIKE WHAT WE’VE FORGED ERE. THE PERSONAL SAFETY OF MINISTERS SHOULD BE A TOPLY PRIORITISED ISSUE ON THE MAGENTA.

 

(carries on shouting) AN THAT LITTLE SLUT, IF SHE’D DONE THAT TO ME, I’D-A HAD ME COCK OUT QUICKER’N SHIT OFFA SHOEHORN AND SAID, EEYARE LOVE, FANCY BEIN ME SECATRY? YER NOT OVER THIRTY, LOVE? THAT’S ALRIGHT THEN. TRADITIONAL VALUES IN A MODERN SUIT, THAT’S HONEST LORD JOHN. PETER’S NOT LIKE THAT THOUGH, FISHES FROM THE OTHER BANK. NEVER TRIED IT MESELF. WELL, NOT OFTEN, LIKE, AND WHAT’S IT TO YOU IF I AVE? NO LAW AGAINST IT AN EVEN IF THERE WAS, LAWS DON’T APPLY TO ME. DO YOU WANT A PUNCH IN THE FUCKING MOUTH?  I’M ALLOWED.

 

(calmer now) No, but me thoughts go out to Peter, Lord Crabs; canta bin much fun forrim, avin all that stuff sprayed in his kisser. Musta bin like being back on that yacht, with Ivan the terrible gangster…

BBC, March 2009 : Business Secretary Lord Mandelson has had green custard thrown over him by a protester as he arrived at the launch of a low-carbon summit in London. The protester, Leila Deen, is a member of the Plane Stupid group campaigning against a third runway at Heathrow. The move was a “last resort” after the democratic process failed, she said.

Lord Mandelson said security was a police matter but he did not want to “go back” to the 24-hour protection he had when Northern Ireland Secretary. The business secretary said people should not "over-react" to the incident. Lord Mandelson stressed that he had chosen not to continue with “round the clock” protection - which he is entitled to as a former Northern Ireland secretary - and he hoped this would not now be necessary. No complaint has been made about the incident and no action taken against Ms Deen.

But former deputy prime minister John Prescott, who threw a punch at a protester who had thrown an egg at him in 2001, said it was “totally unacceptable” that Ms Deen had been able to walk away after the incident without being arrested.

Speaking on the video sharing site You Tube, he said the protester could have thrown acid not custard and public figures had a right to go about their business without being attacked.