Monday 10 April 2023

A Thistle Jig of Shit


Ah, a life on the open road, the wind blawin up ma kiltie, I deserve it, hen, after a' these years, toilin' fer the peeple, lang oors in stuffy rooms, handies blistered frae pullin on the levers o state.
An' you, get ye oot an awa' frae the ungrateful bastards an accoontants an journalists (spits). 
They have nae appreeciashun for the fine edges an walkin' the line between tha' wee gabshitie wi the earing an tha' superstitious wifie frae the Islands - the cheek o her, wantin' to take ower frae you, step into your stilettoes, 
squeeze her lustful, roonded, milk-filled juggies intae yer pretty little suities................

Ah, but the matchie tartan face maskie was such a grand fashion statement, showed aff yer bog-brush hair-cut.
Nay, lassie, it won't be a £40 grand piece o shit, just load o plywood an teak-effect plastic shoved inside big, noisy Citroen diesel van, bangin an fuckin clatterin to wake they Labour voters, engine sound like stanislav shakin set of spanners inside biscuit tin, with shit cassette under feet. I'll no' have to go and stumble round in dark, thistly wilderness while you tak a wee dumpie in van and vice versie. Look,  top o' range camper van.  Joined together in holy deadlock was fine when we was sitting pretty in Holyrood on top of all the money but is only for sick and health and rich or poor and not for content of bowels, we're no' Liberal Democrats.

an' bile yer heed, yer dam' stupid ex-Chief Exec, I'll nae go near yer mobile toilet. 
How would it look in car crash, shit flying all ower the shop an' bog roll, only not proper bog roll but that stuff, thin and cold, IZAL, good for fuck all, not even for wiping of arsehole; every bastard with mobile home has IZAL toilet paper. Is bad enough  take dump in van like fucking Englishman but then can’t even wipe Former First Ministerial pass clean but instead smear shit all over bottom, or finger go through and get all filthied-up with spread-out bit of shit, better would be with handful of grass from roadside and never mind IZAL trick bogroll.  Manufacturer of IZAL is rolling about on floor, laughing off bollocks at mobile home driver and boy scoot. 

But, ma sweet former First Minister, we can pull in by a lochside and you can make me a cup of smug tea and nae milk because I am watching my cholesterol and I drink Fairtrade tea because I like to think that everytime I have a cuppa some money is going to those huge traditionally-built women in Botswanaland, even though it isn’t. 

Ye can mak yer ain tea, if smirking gay crewcut Polis Scotland lets ye  oot o jail lang enough. I'm nae tea-wifie. Fred West had a fucking camper van an' look at him, spent his spare time choppin' people up, squeeze into box and bury under patio, like on Brookside. Fred was made mad  having to cope with life inside rubbish camper van, driving round Forest of fucking Dean, banging fucking head and choking on shit fumes and pots and pans falling out from cupboard every bend, no fucking wonder was serial killer.  Was very nice bloke by all accounts, apart from being raving lunatic and him and Rose killing people, mainly children. 

But, ma shouty wee dwarfie, it might become  politically expedient to hae an exit strategy an' become better acquainted with the beauties of the Heelands and Islands of oor  magnificent nation. 

Are ye serious, ye bald fat wee git? We havenae dualled the A9 yet. 

Ma dear wee gurrul, jes' as high as ma heart, the £110 grand camper van we'll be tourin' in has a bicycle compartment to hold a bicycle for me an' one fer ye. We can park by a loch and cycle through our Heather and Gorse lands, wi' nae worries aboot goin' to work....... nae need to rush the gorse.....

Ye want to join they band o' nutters who jump on a bicycle and pedal like demented hobgoblin speedfreaks  up the  highest roads in the country shouting Gimme A Fucking Heart Attack, I Can’t Stand Being A Teacher For Another Twenty Years!  Driving in Highlands is rubbish anytime  (we needed the upgrade money for trams in Edinburgh where the voters are) but filled-up in Summer with Herman lesbian Hells Angel and  demented lunatic nutters on bikes and smug bastards in camper vans is like something off Prisoner programme with Patrick McGoohan, dead now, of course, but was nearly a hundred and so never mind. An ye better get used to it - that Prisoner programme.

How can I put this, my wee Pigmy of stature but Giant propensities, we may need to get out of Dodge fast. In this case, Glasgae. A lonely mountainside, in pitch black, the twa o us an a wee pup, a Greyfriars Bobby, is looking like the better option.

Ye're going frae bad tae fucking worse, ye Fat SilverFox Retired Loony. Is not just poxy shit van clogging-up Afucking9 and can’t even stop in layby because of too many smug old bastards like you sitting  at table outside van, drinking FairfuckingTrade cuppa, not too strong and made with  pissmilk and handful of sweetener for heart and horrid old legs all fucked-up with varicose veins and every bastard can see because of shorts or kilties, even though brass bollocks would freeze-off from monkey, up there in Highlands. No fucker wants to see countryside all fucked up with horror show of pasty old bastards sunbathing in fucking public and probably piles hae got, too, all around arsehole, and maybe hanging-out, from sitting outside in kilties with fucking gale blowing up arse from Arctic fucking Circle and mean tight-fisting use of Izal joke bogroll (but isn’t roll but leaves of piss-thin hard shiny so-call toiletpaper) and good for fuck all is and not only hand goes through and gets covered-up in shit but fucking watertap in van is nae working as usual and nae matter if ye stand with aarse cheeks as far apart as possible which is not very far, as we are nae Liberal Democrats, and keeping shitfinger hand up in air and trying hard not to do breathing-in and stomping on little foot switch to make water come and at least can wash fucking shit off from hand but instead of water coming from tap fucking hazard light is coming on instead. And radio. Is Radio Scotland an' is just dreadful noise of bagpipe, fuck me, sounds like massacre in cat sanctuary, run by mad old lady who is dead in living room from hypothermia from Westminster Fuck-Up Economy,  spent all money on Kit-E-Kat and cruel, wicked bastard at Scottish  fucking Gas has cut off power and local nutter with chainsaw bought from car boot sale  has seized golden opportunity an'  old lady’s assorted cats disembowlered is being, one at a time, by giggling nutter, Here, Kitty-Kitty, Here Kitty- Kitty so even cats not actually being mutilated to death is all freaked out and screeching and climbing up walls, Radio Scotland bagpipe concert is worse than massive cat massacre.  

Time is running out, ma wee Princess of the Steamie, Drastic action needs tae be ta'en an' I'm the man to rise to a Crisis, trust me. There's some lovely little villages in the hills around Inverness.......

What? Go down Clackmacfuckery Village Hall tae the tea-dance, tae listen to some fat old fucker playing a wheezy old accordion,  made oot o' shiny tin and plastic and sackin' and hunnerds o' fucking keys and buttons so many that playing it must be hit and fucking miss like an Oompah band from the Black Forest, but backwards. And watch decrepit old boys  in wigs and false teeth and kilties seducing old wifies and feeling-up  bony old aarses before the bus comes tae tak them back to the Hame. The one wi' the Polish nurses. And would ye be doin’ me the honour of having the next Polka with me, Jings, but you’re a right bonny lass, indeed y’are, he leers, at a spindle-thin, one foot in the grave,  ninety year old,  the dirty filthy old bastard. Then it'll be back to the van frae Hell, hazard light flashing off and on, nightmare noise from radio, and can’t wash hand or wipe arse  and  would be better off dead, or at very least wanting to get back in fucking Polis Scotland's cells where there's a flushing toilet (the polis watch you have a crap in your cell in the toilet with nae seat and then hit the flush switch from ootside the door); so ye'll hae to go outside with yer kiltie tucked around yer waist and grab handfuls of grass and wipe arse and fingers like the fucking savage ye are and fucking van cost £110 fucking grand and every bastard knows that grass up arse is primary cause of piles, especially when is  not even fucking grass but fucking thistle. And people going past in proper car all shouting and hooting, Look at silly old Ex Chief Exec sticking thistle up aarse, must be demented, maybe attempting suicide by anal lacerations off thistle, is fucking really mad, fuck me, don’t wanna get that dementia rubbish and run around like loony, with  kiltie up roond waist and  thistle and nettles up arse and shit on fingers.
 Best thing in situation like this is stick shitty fingers in ground and keep on stabbing until hand is covered in just dirt and not shit and can touch clothing, then remove kiltie and wipe off arse and when no-one is passin' in proper car, throwaway  in hedge,  only not where dog, Bobby, can go and pull out and start to eat and maybe get sporran stuck over head and normal bastard, going past in proper car is on mobile phone to cop and RSPCA,  Allo? Allo? ….Is polis? Right… SeeYouJimmy?.....   Is fucking pervert here, on A9,  and dog has got head in sporran  and poo….  Nah, is not skidmark,……is proper poo…dunno…..might be dogpoo…but might be yuman poo…bloke looks like fucking nutter an' thistle has sticking out from aarse…I know….all sorts takes,….but fuck me, Jesus….an' shit has got all over hand….no….is not car…is van….with awning and elevating roof….is some foreign shit…  Niesmann + Bischoff, Yeah, is plumbervan, all filled up with plywood furniture and things that don’t work. Better come and arrest him,  aye, before he starts sticking yon fucking thistles up the puir wee  dog’s ….Aye, Edinburgh by the look o' him.

So, former First Minister wifie, will ye nae come and hae a wee lookie at it? I've parked it round ne maw's, discrete-like? 
That'll be a no, then? You'd rather go on our usual S and M holiday, dress-up in leather and rubber and plastic and smack my aarse with thistles?

Now, that's beginning to persuade me - nae danger of falling-off bicycle, probably even have proper toilet in S and M hotel and nae shit cassette, sliding about, under driving seat;  is much easier than this shit and not cost £110 grand and then £3 grand for bikes to tie on back. No, bike on back of grossed-out plumbervan with inoperating integral sanitation and plywood furniture and trick toilet paper, is all bollocks.
Too late, now, anyway, hen.


inmate said...

Bravo mrs Ishmael, bravo.

One day all the skymadeupnewsandfilth, PBC, n channel 4 watchers n believers wil get it, they’ll see what we see, they’ll know what we know, an’ they won’t be able to unsee it, they won’t be able to unknow it. It’ll do their fuckin heads in, they’ll see, n they’ll know that every politician, every lord n lady, every head of department of the uncivil service, every spook in MI5 or 6 or GCHQ, every govt. minister, every head of every Quango, every RupertGolightlyJockstrap is there to just rob you, take the piss of you n make life as difficult n awkward as possible for you. To enrich themselves n their kids. To persuade you that you are a victim an need the help that only they can provide. To have you living a lifestyle our ancestors struggled with, a life of power cuts an food shortages, of broken services and roads, of piss poor public transport and inadequate housing, of an nhs on its knees.
And for what? So’s the Son of Satan, the Blair creature, and all the politicians to have followed in his clovenhoofed footsteps, and all of the above -the third way - can shit on us with great delight. Cunts allofem.

mrs ishmael said...

Aye, right, mr inmate, Braveheart, every word a true one. Especially the RupertGolightlyJockstrap.

inmate said...

What’s most troubling for me’s the fact that I voted for the evil bastard in 1997, I believed ‘that things could only get better’ - prof. Brian and D Ream, arseholes. An everyone of em, to hold that office since, has doubled down on the Globalist agenda shit; the transfer of wealth, from poorest to richest. How has Blair amassed the fortune he has, without doing the globalist’s bidding?
Our grandchildren’s futures are fucked.

Mike said...

Tour de Force Mrs I. The Master himself would be proud.

Don't know anything aboot Scootish polotics, but someone has in in for Mrs and Mr Fish. After all, even a posh campervan is thin gruel in the cesspit that is Westminster and Edinburgh.

mrs ishmael said...

I know, mr inmate - I'm embarrassed, too, by having voted for New Labour and then coming over all triumphalist when they got in. Just a further proof, within living memory, of meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

mrs ishmael said...

Too kind, mr mike - 'twas but a remix.
The thing to know about Scottish politics is that they are toxic. Politicians are politicians the world over, helping themselves to money, power and sexual gratification, but the Scottish lot have additional layers of eviltude. There are people in Scotland who genuinely want Scotland to be an independent nation. Then there are Scottish politicians, who know they can secure continuing power by pretending to the independence nutters that their remit is Scottish Independence, whilst knowing that Scotland's best bet for economic solvency is to keep taking the English shilling. So that balancing act was maintained for a very long time, with Sturgeon, her husband Murrell and their good chum, Swinney, running the show for years. The deal with the Scottish Green party, also an independence party, but widely described as a radical fringe party, secured the SNP a majority in Holyrood. The Greens had to be kept on side by support for their extreme policies, including dismantling Scotland's fossil fuel industry and further crippling the fishing industry.
Manipulating these tensions to his own advantage is Alex Salmond, who is deeply aggrieved that his former apprentice, young Nicola, brought about his downfall and started the process by which Salmond found himself in a criminal court in 2020, when he faced 14 charges of sexual misbehaviour that could have led to his imprisonment. He was acquitted. He leads his own pro-Independence party, the Alba party. As membership of the SNP continues to fall away as swiftly as snow in sunshine, Alba will welcome new members. Revenge is a dish best served cold and I'm sure Alex would be delighted to find himself First Minister once again and even more delighted to see Mr and Mrs Sturgeon-Murrell facing criminal charges relating to the missing £600+grand which had been raised and ring-fenced to secure an independence referendum, the purchase of a mobile home valued at £110 grand confiscated from the driveway of Mr Murrell's mother's home and loans made by Murrell to the SNP of £107 grand last year. The SNP's accountants have quit.

mongoose said...

I think that we begin to smell a possible VAT fraud. That would be a tawdry end to a couple of careers. What is wrong with them? A campervan FFS!

inmate said...

Just a further proof, within living memory, of meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Sorry mrs I, I have to disagree. The ramping up of globalisation during the B liar years-the great terror-, the removal of the Law Lords and creation of the Supreme Court, the end of clause 4, Public Private Partnerships, the removal of the death penalty for the crime of Treason, illegal wars and the deaths of millions of innocents. I could go on but you know the evil this creature committed. Every Primemonster since has tried to emulate the Satanic destruction of this nation in particular and the western world as a whole/hole; what with gay marriage, trans rights, paedophile protections, (minor attracted adults, do fuck off) the destruction of the ‘nuclear’ family, everybody’s a victim, it’s our fault the world is dying, etc.

In my mind it started with the murder of JFK, it was then ramped up with the placement of Satan and George W Chimp and the destruction is gathering pace. It will end when governments can no longer service their debts, then we better start re-finding God, cause nothing else is going to help.

Mike said...

Mr inmate: in my mind, it started at the end of WW2. Europe and the East were destroyed and the US ensured it was largely unscathed. Thus, de facto, it was top dog. This propelled the US exceptionalism, and the belief it had a God-given (literally) right to rule the world. This led to a lot of the weird behaviour being exported to the West.

The USSR dissolved itself - not a Western victory, more a case of Russia no longer willing to bankroll a lot of hopeless states and wanting to return to its Orthodox Christian and traditional roots. The transition in the 90s/2000s, while the US attempted to rape Russia of its treasure, was painful, but God provided Putin, and now Russia has regained its strength and its rightful super power position. All the more remarkable when you recall that 32 million (some put the figure much higher) were killed in WW2. Russia has returned to its Orthodox roots; in its Constition it actually states that marriage can only be possible between 1 man and 1 woman. Imagine that!

At the same time, China has recovered dramatically from its century of humiliation.

So now we have the US and its vassals in Europe desperate to cling on to their last vestiges of Empire. They will fail. The US will revert to insularity but still be an important but not pre-eminent power. Europe is done without cheap reliable energy which only Russia can provide, not to mention other key resources. There are signs this is dawning - see Macron's statement a day ago on his way back from China. The UK is especially done. For decades it has prided itself on being the US's key vassal - the "special relationship" - and bought into all the worst American excesses to prove their worth - as if the Yanks could give a fuck.

The trend is clear. The BRICS group has now surpassed the G7 in terms of GDP. In terms of purchasing power parity the gulf is much larger. And there are a group of countries (including Saudi Arabia and Iran) about to join BRICS. Its is the West that is isolated with a small and declining fraction of the world's population and economy. Note all the main raw materials and manufacturing is in BRICS. China has a bigger manufacturing base than the US and EU combined.

All the things you describe are the madness that accompanies the death throws of an Empire, one which came about by default not by merit. We are watching this happen in real-time. The Ukraine (ie NATO) war with Russia will mark the end-point. It has massively accelerated the process such that I now believe it will all unfold in my remaining years. I hope so.

inmate said...

Agree with everything you say Mr Mike, I bow to your knowledge of recent political history. However, for me, the the realisation that elected politicians were expendable, -to the unelected ‘state’ - was the beginning of the shitstorm we see unfolding. “If we can remove the most popular, the most powerful, just imagine what we’re capable of”. B liar removed the checks and balances, any obstructions to the agenda, and, then proceeded on his killing spree, innocent women and children sacrificed at the altar of big money. How does a politician learn 30 million in ten years? Sorry, four years. Middle East peace envoy? do me afuckinfavour.

He’s still there in the shadows, that stench of death and destruction, still emanating from every putrid pore of his disgusting being.

Mike said...

Mr inmate: good old B'liar was one of the reasons I left the UK. I saw him interviewed in the days of Major. Above the desk he was all Saville Row and shirt and tie, and slick soundbites. Below the table he was jeans and sneakers. Crystal clear to me he was a charlatan; all appearance and spin for the cameras. It was clear Major was on the way out, so he was the heir apparent. I confidently predicted to my wife that the country was fucked. And so it came to pass.

I suspect 30M may be a little on the low side. His son, Euan if I remember correctly (did he not have a run in with the rozzers?) is north of 100M+.

I only hope a million plus Iraqis are keeping a seat warm for him when he departs this mortal coil.

inmate said...

The £30m was spent on property in London and Bristol while still in office, if my recollections are correct, Mr Mike. No mortgages, no loans, on approximately £100k salary of a primemonster and an out of work barrister wife. Upfront payment for the terrors he was about to commit.

Just as with all the US presidents since JFK, - Do as we say, become extremely rich, or we’ll remove you and your family.- only the Blair creature took to the role with unbridled relish, Stalin on steroids,” if we kill all the sandniggers, we’ll definitely get the bad guys “
Recent estimates put it’s personal wealth at around two hundred and fifty million pounds sterling.

Mike said...

Mr inmate: I'm shocked, but not shocked.

As in my earlier post, the UK has taken on the worst excesses of the US. The politicians are at the front of the queue.

Mike said...

PS mr inmate: 100M to sell out the country. That's peanuts. And kill a million Iraqis, and countless Syrians, And Afghans and Libyans - the list goes on.

How many Ukrainians until they admit they cannot defeat Russia?

inmate said...

Yes, the Pentagon/CIA lapdog.

Although I reckon Bliar would have done their bidding even if he’d had to pay them.

There’ll never be enough dead Ukrainians or Russians for these psychos. Then they’ll be on to China and Taiwan next, where, by the way, there’s a new strain of deadly bird flu - one death already- to frighten the life out of us.