Monday 1 June 2015


Didden wake up dis mornin', oh yeah,
Got me dem  Dead Man Blues
I'm on my way up there to Hebben,
Gwine tell my Saviour the news,
Ain't gonna make no more blues records,
Got me dem Dead Man Blues 

 Good evening, I'm Emily Stringbean,
 here on KiddiesNewsnight,
 with the very sad news of the untimely death of  blue musican, Mr AB King at the untimely age of a hundred and fifty.  King was known as the Father of the Blue and most of us  clever people will be steeped in his music,  believing that he personified the Blue.  Hits such as One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Blue  and some other ones made sure that AB King was rarely in the chartsWe are joined now from Los Angeles  by Mr Gene Psycho, formerly of the great rock band,  Piss, I mean Kiss

Mr Psycho, 
you've sold billions of records, what's your take on Blue legend AB King, who passed away today untimelyly, at a hundred and fifty? Was he the greatest guitar player in the history of music?

 Well, Kirsty,
 King was a pioneer,  a trailblazer, without King there woodena been no Rolling Stones, no Eric Clapton and without King I woodena married Cher.

 Just imagine that.  

No, King was a pioneer and a trailblazer.
How, specifically, did he influence your own art?

Well, Kirsty, 
King was a pioneer,  a trailblazer, without King there woodena been no Rolling Stones,

 no Eric Clapton and without King I woodena married Cher.  
Just imagine that.  
No, King was a pioneer and a trailblazer.

I get the sense that you're saying Dr King was a black man in a white man's world which was once a black man's world,  given back to him, so to speak,  by the likes of Mr Eric Wifeswapper of Cream. And heroin. And brandy. 

And Rolex. 
I mean, I understand that his collection of watches is limited to the number which Rolex give him. To underscore his Bluesness, so to speak.  He only has diamond ones, and gold ones, and ones with emeralds and rubies. That's what you call the blues.

And Ferrari. 
I read that he once had to wait six months for his latest Ferrari  to come. And it give him the blues wa-a-ay down inside, only having a half an acre of other Ferraris to play with.

Do you think, Gene Simmons, that Eric clapton will go back on heroin, now that Dr King is dead. And cocaine? And wife-swapping?

King was a pioneer,  a trailblazer, without King there woodena been no Rolling Stones, no Eric Clapton and without King I woodena married Cher.

And finally, Mr Psycho, how will President Obama be taking this news, tonight, of the death of one of his house niggers?
Well, Kirsty, 
 King was a pioneer,  a trailblazer, without King there woodena been no Rolling Stones, no Eric Clapton and without King I woodena married Cher.  Just imagine that.  No, King was a pioneer and a trailblazer. A pioneer and a trailblazer.

I suppose we should be grateful that Newsnight couldn't, for this eulogy, contact the diminutive humanitarian, Mr Bono  and settled for Mr Simmons, who really is as tongue-tied and addle-pated as I portray him

When you see one of the Kirstys completely wrong-footed, as in this case, talking out of her arse abour something of which she knows less than does my little warm brown friend, Harris, it makes you wonder if the entire PBC News operation is run on a similar wing and a prayer, hoping nobody'll notice.

My own opinion is that BB King was a vastly over-rated blubber mountain, a monotonal singer,  peddling a tedious vibrato long past its shelf life and that his longevity stemmed not from any great talent or reinvention but because he was happy to play house nigger and eminence noir to all the filthy trash of rock'n'roll, even its honorary member, DroneKiller Obama. 

 I could start now and off  the top of my head, still be, next week,  naming blues players far more influential, far more talented than this bloated old fart and I think that, far moreso than Robert Johnson is rumoured to have done, all these fuckers who wind-up crooning in the White House, really have  gone down to the crossroads and sold their souls to the Devil. 


Anonymous said...

Fuck me you just nailed it!

DtP said...

I missed out on the 70's but it appears that the R&I guys from the big 5 or 6 record companies just operated like the Opec cartel; each with their white blues trash band, their black girl groups, their prog rock fucks and their shite pop slags which led inexorably to the utter shite 80's - a decade, almost like trauma, best forgot. I guess Jay Z is now the go-to nigger of choice throwing his toys out of the pram as his latest rip-off deals haven't been resoundingly popular with the dolts whose cash is easily parted, or that Kanye West cunt who must be taking the piss - nothing he likes better than a game of squash followed by a couple of episodes of Columbo perrrapps?

Fucking Newsnight, I don't think i've made it past 5 minutes all year. Just bring John Craven back and terminate the pretence, the cheeky cunts.

Doug Shoulders said...

BB King brought the blues to Vegas did he not? Don’t recall anything he ever did ‘cept that shite he did with Bozo which was in the hit charts for a while.
As a friend of mine used to say…right in at the number two slot…from whence it came.
Is Gene Simmons not dead yet…he looks it.

Anonymous said...

Is Simmons the one who had his tongue extended surgically? Presumably for purposes of self-inflicted salad-tossing.


Mike said...

Mr Dick, Mr Doug, Mr Verge: there's so much you say I don't comprehend. What have I been doing all these years?

Doug Shoulders said...

Mr Mike...

Bozo = Bono . Champion of the scheme to keep impoverished African nations in debt to the west.
King and Bozo had a hit song once upon a time…presumably when one of them was relevant.
The number two slot…where all shit comes from.

Mike said...

Thaks Mr Doug. I'm obviously leading a sheltered life down here.

Alphons said...

He was as good as B B Daniels.

call me ishmael said...

Christ, Life With The Lyons, had to scratch my head there, mr alphons, my parents loistened to it; but no, BB King wasn't even that good. Rock'n'roll's tamed house niger, as I said, all the more sorry-assed because he had come from share-cropping, cotton-pickin', dollar-a-day, nigger-lynchin' Ku Klux Klansville. Chuck Berry, now, he just punched white rock'n'roll in the face, every chance he got.

Anonymous said...

Bozo/Bono: this is a story that's worth repeating at least once a year: at a live gig Bonzo shushed his band and started to clap his hands. "Every time I clap my hands, a child dies in Africa." The solemn hush was immediately fractured by a voice that cried "stop fucking clapping then, you cunt."

Salad tossing, Mr Mike, is an American term for what the Romans might have called anilingus. Or possibly ano-. Latin was never my strongest suit. Anyway all in a day's work for your average brain-dead rock-god.


Doug Shoulders said...

Forgot; to mention a "number two" is polite parlance for "taking a dump" as the 'mericans say. You'll probably have a Aussi saying.
I always think of that story whenever Bozo is mentioned and pray that it actually happened.

Mark said...

I bit of proper blues (as ripped of by Cream)...

call me ishmael said...

Sittin' on Top of The World, srry to say, mr mark, that I only knew the Howlin' Wolf and Bob Dylan versions of that and other Mississippi Sheiks songs, great stuff, great resource, youtube, the UN should take it over, as a shared library of the world.