LIBYA: HER BRITANNIC MAJESTY REQUESTS AND REQUIRES THAT YOU ALL FEND FOR YOURSELVES. HAGUE IS SHIT, CAMERON IS SHIT, THEY'RE ALL SHIT

 CAMERON ON UNELECTED RIFF-RAFF

 LIBYA, YES, OF COURSE I KNOW WHERE IT IS

IT'S  SOMEWHERE IN WOGLAND.

Now listen to me, world, as I have some very important things to say. To be honest I couldn't, myself, win an election against a certifiable madman  but even so, we are where we are, and clearly, at the end of the day,  y'know, the bottom line is that  I am the duly not elected prime minister of what was once the United Kingdom. But we're gonna change all that, third world banana republic, here we come.  I want you to pay close attention to me. My father paid for an otherwise  perfectly genuine First for me from Oxford,  although not in history, obviously, or geography, or adding up, just as all decent not hard-working parents like mine should do for their children, only  not those who can't afford it, not being the descendants of whores and robber barons, or the best families, as we call ourselves.  And this, if I may digress, is the very crux of the education dilemma facing little Mr Gove, poor people wanting degrees like mine, wanting to go up to Oxford when they can't even afford a little ridiculous, Gad, Sir, Hellfire Club posturing, like myself and most of the Cabinet and Mr Dimbleby.  But, as I say, we are where we are, or I am, anyway, so fuck democracy, and  what I want to tell you is that all the things we have said and done up to now, we Tories and the other lot, they were all wrong.  And now that we've been found out we have to do some highly principled smooth talking, which is what we are very good at, or,  in my case quite good, not, as we've said, election-winning good  but you know, that doesnt matter any longer, or it won't by the time we've changed all the boundaries. Every thing we have all said up to now was wrong, not everything, exactly, I mean, cutting everything, especially the Navy, that was clearly right, otherwise my employer, Mr Murdoch would have shouted at me, maybe even sacked me. And the bankers, Gosh, imagine if we had taxed them properly, they'd have gone in a proper sulk, I shouldn't wonder.  But cosying-up to dictators and unelected riff-raff, that has to stop. Only not, obviously, Mr Clegg, or, for that matter, myself.

British citiens being protected, well, let me take my coat off to answer that one.

The first thing is that just because we have no aircraft carriers and few planes and have sacked all the pilots, anyway, it doesn't mean we can't protect Britons abroad, even though we can't.  The Big Society, that's the thing, volunteer regiments of sacked dinner ladies, they'll sort it out. The main thing for you all to remember is that Mr William Hague is Foreign Seckatry, and that he has great experience in these things; it is just, after all, a bloody, heavily-armed revolution,  heading to civil war, just  like speaking to an after-dinner gathering of drunken Rotarians, at which, as we all know,  he excelled.

On top of that, Mr Hague was, and may quite soon be again, a director of Messrs JCB, the bulldozer and earthmoving people, from which prestigious post he moonlighted as an MP.  There is a lot of sand in whereveritis and sand needs earth- or sand-moving equipment, all the more prescient of Mr Hague to take all that money from JCB when he should have been serving his constituents. All in all British citizens abroad need not worry about their safety as nor will Mr Hague. And, finally, I would just ask British people in Libya to recall how very protective Mr Hague was, recently,  of the privacy of his wife's womb, which he all but opened up  with a speculum for public inspection, when people suggested he was sleeping with a pretty young man half his age. Which, perfectly normally, he was. No, I feel that under me and Mr Clegg's  and Mr Hague's steady hands British citizens abroad are as safe as their jobs and services and expectations and rights are at home. Which is not at all safe, although that is exactly what me and Mr Clegg came into politics to do.  Bismillah, as we statesmen say, it is the will of Barclays.