SMOKING CAN DAMAGE YOUR HEIGHT.
SIR BERNIE ECCLESCAKE, THE MAN WHO BOUGHT THE NEWLABOUR GOVAMENT FOR A MILLION AND GOT HIS MONEY BACK.
CAKEY, PICTURED ABOVE WITH HIS FORMER WIFE, SAID THE BAH!-RAIN GIG WAS TOO DANGEROUS, WHAT WITH THE NATIVES ALL RESTLESS AND EVERYTHING.
Formula One fans all over tellyworld are disappointed but relieved but also disappointed tonight at the news that the planned race in Bah!-rain is to be cancelled. The season will start, instead, in Melbourne, Australia, which doesn't want it. Load of Dingo's kidney's, cobber, said the drongo in charge of the city - is he a bint, like the Aussie premier? How do you tell, out there, they're all shirtlifters, ain't they, ladyman capital of the Pacific, Australia - Nah, we don't wannit no more, it was alright when it started but it's bloody shit, now, costs the city a bleedin' fortune and no bastard turns up to watch the mad fuckers drivin' round and bloody round, a thousandth of a second here, a thousandth there, who gives a rat's arse about that. If you ask me, they're all on drugs, need to be off your bleedin' trolley and no mistake. We definitely won't be renewin' the contract when it's up, and the little dwarf'll have to find somewhere else to play racecars. That Mrs of his, though, looks like she'd bang like a shithouse door in a gale, no wonder she slung 'er 'ook, I mean, he looks like he's got one foot in the grave. She could come an' blow my didgeridoo anytime, mate.
Speaking from Redditch, a swampy outpost of Birmingham, England, Mr Mel Butler, a retired librarian, birdwatcher and F1 devotee said he didn't know what to do; he had been looking forward to watching the Bah!-rain race on his new forty-inch plasma screen telly and now he might have to go shopping with his wife, Linda, also a retired librarian and birdwatcher, instead. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love Linda, dearly, it's just that I'd rather watch F1. It's not that I want Lewis Hamilton or one of the other chaps to crash and be all burnt to death or anything, or fly into the crowd and kill dozens of people who can afford to be there and not just watch it on the telly, like I have to, but I do. I have been putting a bit away ever since the Leeds Liquid Gold adverts, back in the 'eighties, but even so, jetsetting over to the Gulf in the hope of smelling a bit of burning blackman is a bit beyond my means. Did I mention that there is a pair of greater speckled grebe scowlers nesting in my garden?