Wednesday, 23 February 2011




Now listen to me, world, as I have some very important things to say. To be honest I couldn't, myself, win an election against a certifiable madman  but even so, we are where we are, and clearly, at the end of the day,  y'know, the bottom line is that  I am the duly not elected prime minister of what was once the United Kingdom. But we're gonna change all that, third world banana republic, here we come.  I want you to pay close attention to me. My father paid for an otherwise  perfectly genuine First for me from Oxford,  although not in history, obviously, or geography, or adding up, just as all decent not hard-working parents like mine should do for their children, only  not those who can't afford it, not being the descendants of whores and robber barons, or the best families, as we call ourselves.  And this, if I may digress, is the very crux of the education dilemma facing little Mr Gove, poor people wanting degrees like mine, wanting to go up to Oxford when they can't even afford a little ridiculous, Gad, Sir, Hellfire Club posturing, like myself and most of the Cabinet and Mr Dimbleby.  But, as I say, we are where we are, or I am, anyway, so fuck democracy, and  what I want to tell you is that all the things we have said and done up to now, we Tories and the other lot, they were all wrong.  And now that we've been found out we have to do some highly principled smooth talking, which is what we are very good at, or,  in my case quite good, not, as we've said, election-winning good  but you know, that doesnt matter any longer, or it won't by the time we've changed all the boundaries. Every thing we have all said up to now was wrong, not everything, exactly, I mean, cutting everything, especially the Navy, that was clearly right, otherwise my employer, Mr Murdoch would have shouted at me, maybe even sacked me. And the bankers, Gosh, imagine if we had taxed them properly, they'd have gone in a proper sulk, I shouldn't wonder.  But cosying-up to dictators and unelected riff-raff, that has to stop. Only not, obviously, Mr Clegg, or, for that matter, myself.

British citiens being protected, well, let me take my coat off to answer that one.

The first thing is that just because we have no aircraft carriers and few planes and have sacked all the pilots, anyway, it doesn't mean we can't protect Britons abroad, even though we can't.  The Big Society, that's the thing, volunteer regiments of sacked dinner ladies, they'll sort it out. The main thing for you all to remember is that Mr William Hague is Foreign Seckatry, and that he has great experience in these things; it is just, after all, a bloody, heavily-armed revolution,  heading to civil war, just  like speaking to an after-dinner gathering of drunken Rotarians, at which, as we all know,  he excelled.

On top of that, Mr Hague was, and may quite soon be again, a director of Messrs JCB, the bulldozer and earthmoving people, from which prestigious post he moonlighted as an MP.  There is a lot of sand in whereveritis and sand needs earth- or sand-moving equipment, all the more prescient of Mr Hague to take all that money from JCB when he should have been serving his constituents. All in all British citizens abroad need not worry about their safety as nor will Mr Hague. And, finally, I would just ask British people in Libya to recall how very protective Mr Hague was, recently,  of the privacy of his wife's womb, which he all but opened up  with a speculum for public inspection, when people suggested he was sleeping with a pretty young man half his age. Which, perfectly normally, he was. No, I feel that under me and Mr Clegg's  and Mr Hague's steady hands British citizens abroad are as safe as their jobs and services and expectations and rights are at home. Which is not at all safe, although that is exactly what me and Mr Clegg came into politics to do.  Bismillah, as we statesmen say, it is the will of Barclays.


the noblest prospect said...

Meanwhile, Clegg disappears behind the bike sheds with a carton of Marlboro Lights, knowing that with him around the AV vote is fucked.

call me ishmael said...

Hague is shitting it big time on the telly, just now, telling everybody why it's right and proper that Britain is the last to get her citizens away.

With Clegg around everything is fucked for the DogShooters, it's only Cameron's own ineptitude that's allowed Clegg to survive so long, after such a shit election result. I don't know what I think about AV. I don't fucking care, I suppose, except that if Nickyboy is for it, one should be against it.

mongoose said...

AV is just another round of "everyone shall have prizes". It is prizes for party hacks and associated cunts. It is prizes for those who toe the line, who walk the walk. it is politicians picking who will be elected. It is jobs for life for the bastard offspring. It is a guard against failure and cant. It does away with political disaster. With AV there will be no more 1979s, no more 1997s - no more throwing of the bastards the fuck out. At your peril do you vote for it.

the noblest prospect said...

This knob has previous in leaving things late. At school, at Oxford, in his leadership bid in 2005 and now, failing to win the election, but still assuming power.

He's a lucky bastard - like most of his ilk - and even with the Yes campaign 15 points ahead in the latest polls, I wouldn't bet against the slimy cunt turning it around.

In any event, a General election before 2013.

mrs narcolept said...

My Pa was working in Libya when the last revolution happened. Even then, when we still had carriers and my dear mr narcolept was flying Buccaneers on and off of them, people had to fend for themselves. Fortunately his Arab friends were kind and eventually he managed to get out unscathed, no thanks to HMG. But no one should go and work in the Middle East without thinking hard about whether the risks outweigh the benefits, and I get a bit fed up with expats whinging about not being airlifted out when half of them, especially if they have got kids, should not have been there in the first place.

Verge said...

Mr Mongoose: AV is just another round of "everyone shall have prizes".

Wasn't Lewis Carroll/Rev Dodgem an early proponent of PR?

(And we've already had a cheshire cat on the ballot, of course, even if the fucker started out in Sedgefield.)

call me ishmael said...

I feel much the same even about foreign holiday makers, mrs n - if you go abroad you should expect trouble, carry gold and a revolver and be prepared to shoot or bribe your way out. It's just that the politicians and diplos pretend to such efficiency, such ever-readyness and yet Hague, particularly, is good for fuck all except blethering in that awful and furthermore mr deputy speaker fashion of his. This has been going on for some days, getting a bloody aeroplane down there shouldn't be beyond the wit even of HMG.

On the bright side, we must assume that it is only motorcycles get dismantled in your kitchen and not vintage jet aircraft.

Dick the Prick said...

I'd advise a gun and a revolver if going through Oldham. We went to Barnsley in the autumn and I genuinely couldn't work out how so much inadequate arhitecture could have existed for 50 years without someone having the decency to blow it all up.

Caratacus said...

Do you know what really winds me up? Those people moaning about Cameron, Hague and the rest of the crypto-conservatives because they voted for them thinking they would be any different from the gormless twat from Fife, Or the Undead that preceded him, and now they've discovered that the silly fat wankers are not only just as bad - they're worse.

What we are seeing from these bastards is a continuation of the inexorable slide into mediocrity which began 100 years ago and has continued virtually unchecked ever since.

Stop moaning and start slamming their dicks in their desk drawers. It might remind them of their days at Eton when Matron wasn't pleased. Bastards.

...I'll get me coat.

PT Barnum said...

The French send two military troop carriers to Libya and pull out all their citizens. The Russians send a Cold War troop carrier (no comfy seats) and grab their nationals. And ours wait at the airport while gun battles rage around them and Vague Hague looks like a rabbit in headlights when asked why the only plane that was being sent has been grounded with a 'technical fault'. Even Ryanair can do better than that.

All credit to the young language teacher who blagged her way onto an oil company evac charter plane. She's home. Depending on the Diplomatic Service or HMG is like trying to nail blancmange to the wall - pointless and ultimately messy.

mrs narcolept said...

He would if he could, mr ishmael. That's partly why I am feebly and probably pointlessly resisting moving to Scotland.

Seems a bit mean of the French not to pick up les anglais at the same time, surely we are all in the EU together?

Dick the Prick said...

It's a bit odd that both Gadaffi's son and Bashir of Syria are indistinguishable from British agents. Good work i say

call me ishmael said...

It was suggested at the time of Hotelgate that Willy Wanker was fed up and might quit politics and enter some other branch of celebrity - and probably some other young men - perhaps, seeing as how one of the largest economies in the world, happy to have its soldiers gutted for GlobaCorp whilst claiming huge military expertise can't send an aircraft to Libya, he should resign now. If any of these oil camp workers are offed by Ahmed and his AK Cameron will have to sack him and that's the end of all of them. Events, dear boy, no-one currently on the front bench is up to them.

It's right, mr caratacus, a hundred years and more of Oxbridge wankers in govament and civil service. I've said before, I'd demolish both of them,pour encourager les autres, good for fuck all. Except maybe spying. And don't mention research. Any polytechnic can do research, given the chance.

lilith said...

I have a friend who was in Kuwait when Iraq invaded. She was staying in a hostel with other female language students. All the other Embassies had an evacuation plan. The British Embassy made no attempt to organise repatriation. The Yanks offered to airlift her out, but in the end she left via the desert with the Bedouin.

The British Embassy in Damascus is just a fancy building in the smart part of town. They only answer enquiries or arrange appointments on a Monday, and these are always somewhere else for "security reasons". It would probably take at least three weeks to get a replacement passport in the low season and six in the summer. You would be better walking to the Mediterranean than hammering on the Embassy door for help...

call me ishmael said...

Yes, that's what I've heard, too. Lawyers, guns and money, that's what you need. Guns and money, anyway.

jgm2 said...

Spent years working in Algeria and the Middle East. All Oil companies have their own evacuation plans. Hence BP is there way ahead of HMG. You do evacuation training - grab passport, water and Toyota and head for the border in convoy. Don't wait for fuck all - particularly not HMG.

British embassy good for fuck all. Everybody knows it.

Been that way all my working life.

Useless cunts. Left US post 9/11 after stuck in Manhattan for several days. All HMG was worried about was that we'd gone over the 90 day limit - full tax please for all that money earned in US in previous year.


call me ishmael said...

I am just glad that this fiasco of diplomatic protection is being revealed whilst William Gob is in the chair, couldn't happen to ay more ah deserving ah prat.

He has, I understand, announced ay review, or, as we call them here, ay full and far-reaching cover-up. Alastiar Burt, last night, curiously a foreign office minister, led-out to slaughter on Newsnight, Hague probably in hiding, weeping all over an adviser's cock, I mean shoulder.