In New Zealand, fears were raised that senior British politicians might become involved in attempts ro rescue trapped earthquake victims and make matters much worse. Kia Ora, mates, it's bad enough down here without those fuckers trying to lend a hand, said Mr Bruce Cobber, the Kiwis' HeadMan Minister.
Mr Cobber in his ceremonial body-recovering from earthquake robes.
Christ, made a right gurgler of the place, it has, the 'quake, everything fucking falling down but we'll manage without any help from that fella, Cameron; Jesus, just look at him, Middle East going up like a beachside barbie and he's there trying to sell them firelighters. Man's a prat, couldn't win if he started the night before, musta got his degree out of a CornFlakes Box.
And his offsider, the gobby bald bloke, he's an iron hoof, ain't he. Y'know, him with a face like a bush pig's arse. Now don't get me wrong, nothing wrong, per se, with pushin' the brown wheelbarrow, some a me best mates is travellin' on the other bus but they don't crack on like they was married, that's enough to make a decent bloke chunder 'is guts up, queers and normal geezers alike, 'Strewth, nobody likes people like that Hague bloke, bit of a fuckin' freak, you ask me, double dodgy. And couldn't organise worth shit. Even a simple matter, getting a plane a few hundred miles, it all goes to custard on 'im, must be crook in the head, mate. It can do that to you, stirring the muesli with the wrong spoon. I mean, y'only gottas look at him to know he's radio rental. Foreign Seckatry? 'Saboutright, as foreign as it gets, mate.
Nah we'll manage, bro, no worries, she'll be right, without any drongos comin' down 'ere and fuckin things up like they do in Pommyland, sellin' everything off, to Messrs Spiv & Co. Get Dave and his boys down here and the whole fuckin' gaff'll submerge undert he waves, quicker'n a fart-sniffin' cabinet minister can get his head under the duvet, knowaddamean?
Elsewhere in the Pacific, doors were being shut in the face of incompetent, bungling Old Etonian laughing stock, Mr Flashman and his ladyman foreign seckatry. G'day mates and Christ on a fucking rope, said Aussie premier, Mrs Sheila Cobber-Bruce, below,
formerly Miss Ugly Adelaide. 1961,
ain't we got enough shit without them comin' here, actin the goat, fulla piss and wind and all over the place like a mad woman's breakfast? Fuck me sideways, one minute the whole fucking place is on fire and the next it's under fucking water, last fucking thing we want is Cameron and his in-house backdoor bandit; couldn't fart into a botle, neither of them, if one a them bastards bought a kangaroo it wouldn't hop, Jesus, they wouldn't last a round with a revolving door. Seen them all marching into Downin' Street this morning , all dressed up like a pox doctor's clerk, all carryin' their red folders, like fucking prefects at a girls 'school. Dunno how you Poms put up with them, Christ, it was bad enough, before, with that snotmunching arsehole, him with a face like a yard of tripe and a kangaroo loose in the top paddock, but these jokers, only got one oar in the bleedin' water, they have.
20 comments:
Mr I: don't disagree at all with the content, but your Kiwi accent is full-on Aussie. And the ugly sheila was the former PM of NZ.
It's all in the vowels with Kiwispeak. Never met a New Zealander I didn't instantly like - like Aussies without the ego and the noise.
While both nations should count themselves lucky they're too far away for Dave and his sidekick to drop in (and anyways, not a huge market for weaponry there), it has struck me how ill-informed the media are about our former colonies. Oh, we get all the minutiae of US political drivel, but all of a sudden two sovereign nations are being treated as if they were forgotten counties of England that got a bit detached.
I am neither sodomist nor bald. Ask my wife-in-waiting.
I thought, mr mike, that "dressed-up like a pox doctor's clerk" had an inventive beauty which transcended national boundaries, accents or dialects.
It is striking how very civilised the EnZedders are. It's nothing really, this, compared to a tsunami or an Asian flood but even so, it must be shitty for them, the planet just clearing its throat like that and Whoops, all fall down, the doings of mice and men just swept aside.
Imagine Wayne and Chardonnay, in Walsall, for instance, or Cockermourth, Oh we was just totally and utterly devastated and who's gonna pay for the plasma telly what I only just got fer me babbies, like, luvemtobits, me kids, I do.
One of skymadeupnewsandfilth's catastrophe brigands was feasting on the collapse of the cathedral tower, not quite nine-eleven but There were people here on the observation platform at the top and it all just fell down, and just imagine, there lots of big heavy bells in there, too, and they went down with them. And now begins the grim task of blah blah blah......And back now to Sarah Floozy in the studio who has all the sport for us, here, at the top of the hour.
Your a hard one mr ishmael,sadly we lost our way to our colonial cousins when the thieving bastards politicians cast their greedy eyes on the cess pit they call the EEC or now EU,they threw the chances making a few bob in the Asian markets and now look where were are left and what a mass, what makes it worse they ar still have thier heads in the trough.
Never mind, mr HJ, look on the bright side; four hundred million fresh faces are legally entitled to come and settle here. We must hope for the Coalition's sake that, post the New Middle East Settlement, few of them do so, rippling-out from chaos, to upset Mr Osblow's careful arithmetic.
Osbum and his fellow filth of the political class would welcome another round of migration ( Turkey ?)the competition keeps wages down, the workers docile and a large pool of unemployed provide convenient scapegoats.
The prospects of this useless crowd of stumblebums delivering recovery is exactly zero. Hurry up with those cuts, Osbum; the markets are impatient and we might need a war chest to bail out the banks yetafukingain, especially if Merv is on watch.
It wouldn`t suprise me if the next trip Flashman and Hague made was to Tripoli, to beg a bailout from Mad Muammer`s successors.
I don't know why but I liked "like a mad woman's breakfast", Mr I.
"All over the place, like a mad woman's breakfast."
If only the haiku form was as expressive.
I don't know, mr mike. Many years now I have had visions of a truly apocalyptic mass migration northwards; not in numbers that can be absorbed but only repelled; the fact that all of Europe can legally come and settle here only adds to a potentially irresolvable population-confusion.
Dear Mr Ish - maybe you already know it? "Fugue for a Darkening Island" by Christopher Priest (circa 1972.) Matter-of-fact Ballardian SF positing a UK civil war caused by social chaos following an African nuke-mare and desperate refugee masses. An early (for the recent/modern period) chronicle of ruin.
I don't think I do, mr verge, maybe it's just in the shitegeist. In my case an awareness of GlobaCorp's unsustainability just kinda bubbled-up from other observations, other reading. I have read and enjoyed a lot of that stuff but It just always seemed to me that one way or another the Northern nation states would inevitably become vulnerable to hungry Africa and I thought that when we started dropping those patronising clockwork radios to people who had to walk miles to get a drink of water they might all decide to walk a bit further, to from where they were being broadcast-at, and drink water from taps, as we do, their ancestors, after all, having funded the plumbing in the first place. Some people, of course, have started tut-tutting this movement as uncontrolled immigration, as though it were a party poiitical matter, reducible to the whimsical talk-solutions of some unspeakable moron-arsehole like Francis Maude or William Hague when, in fact, it is nothing but an unstoppable march to global economic justice.
It may be that the collapse of Uncle Sam's satrapies in the wider Middle East may quicken the step of this march and we may start throwing money and goods at Africa, to make them stay where they are, on the other hand, we may be further delighted by the barren, bilious pouting of Hillary Trousers and, bless his empty head, the butch shirtsleeving of HardMan Dave, both adrift on a sea boiling with the maelstroms of incompetence and stupidity.
The global village brings consequences, far beyond just the opportunities to outsource jobs to cheaper workers, it exposes Mammon's poxy arse, hanging out of the window, inviting a red-hot poker.
There is no such thing as economic justice, Mr Ishmael. Economics doesn't do justice. If anything, economics is the mechanism by which injustice is achieved. It is the means by which Globacorp relieves the poor of their pennies.
It is a terrible thought but the jasmine revolution will likely deliver to its people a terrible holocaust of deprivation. As the economic mechanisms - so cosily set in place by the dying Empire and the newborn Uncle Sam - are shaken and broken, less wealth will find its way into the back-streets of Cairo and Tripoli. Of course, when you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose but revenge and mayhem are most often strangers to justice of any kind. Save that of the blood of tyrants.
The real bringers of justice are the old soldiers of sanitation, education and democracy. This least being the one which grows out of the other two. And that's really where we are now. We're at another turn of another page upon which Africa and the Middle East might write a happier story. But probably won't.
Thanks, mr m, too fierce of you, though, to jump on a careless juxtaposition, I meant global justice, not merely economic justice; an eviction of the global usurers and pawnbrokers. I will come back to this, soonest, in another post.
The sanitation point is well taken; one of my main platforms of penal reform is that, within reason, none should leave the jail unable to read, made blind and alien in a world of signs and forms, maybe some wise judge saying: Prisoner at the bar, I sentence you to however long it takes for you to reappear before me and read to me, for instance, the Sermon on the Mount. That we cannot even do something like that, in a land awash with teachers, would-be teachers and smug, pampered gap yearers, bodes ill for your hope of us delivering sanitation, education and democracy across the globe. Maybe indigenous leaders will emerge to make those things happen but if I were Somali or Yemeni or Bantu I would rather be an illegal, sweatshopping in London, than stay at home, waiting.
I meant no especial criticism, Mr I, because I view the whole idea of economics as being a bit dodgy. Look at what has happened? The best brains in the world strive and adjust and fiddle and plot and still when the wind blows the economic house of straw falls down. So any notion of them actually being in control of much is dicey to say the least.
As for reading, forget jail for a moment and how about not letting them out of school until the buggers can read? Go to a poor country - no sanitation, no healthcare, no social security - and what do parents look to for their kids? Reading, writing, arithmetic. Educate the blighters with the basics and they will at least have a chance of life better than that of their parents.
No, I took no offence, mr m, I quite agree as to the voodooness of economics; Jesus, if Peter Jay and Stephanie Flanders and Nigel Lawson and Will Hutton can profess to expertise in the subject it must be horseshit. It remains the case, however, that, as we are seeing particularly in the States and to an extent here, it is the global financiers and shape-shifting industrialists for whom the game is rigged, Wisconsin, for instance, having all but declared war on its citizens, the military industrial complex demanding and receiveing yet more trillions of dollars whilst the meagrest of social security programmes are slashed, it is a move to Third World-ise us all, a move which is clearly at the heart of the Coalition of the Damned, meantime, many US municipalities are exploring ways to enter voluntary bankruptcy in order to renege completely on public sector pensions and rip up any and all terms and conditions of their workers.
There are a thousand reasons that teachers can't teach as they once did, societal, familial, technological competetition, incompetence on the part of schools overburdened with heavy-duty social work and policing tasks; in the jail, however, there is a captive audience which can be bent.leaned-on to learn to read and write. Why doesn't it happen? It's because the screws and the cops and the lawyers actually want people to keep on keeping on with that crime shit, that is the economics of the criminal justice system, fucked-up, like all the rest of them.
Tangled up as we are, Mr I, do we really conspire in the persistence of criminality?
I begin to buy though into the persistence of government and the debt to fund it. It keeps us down. It isn't just a socialist vice. About which I have chided you often enough in the past. I think now that it is a ruling class ruination of opportunity. But they don't do it, as we see this very day, for wheelchairs and libraries. Yeah, fuck it, let's call it "Income Tax" because Boney is in his flat-bottomed boats at Boulogne. And they will swallow it, and then we will forget to turn it off, and then we will be minted - as the modern parlance goes - but forever. A political class is born, and the means to pay for it in perpituity. A wizard wheeze, as we say at Eton.
If we embarked anew, on designing a criminal justice system aimed at increasing criminal behaviour, furthering disrespect for law enforcement, contempt for penology and cruelty towards the most vulnerable, mr mongoose, we could not improve on what we already have.
As to govament, whether it originated with income tax or with King William's robber barons a thousand years back is irrelevant, the resut is always - as we see, here, in this moment - that it is the rich wot gets the pleasure, the poor wot funds the defecit reduction. By these structures and wanting of a better oppositional terminology, fucking right I am socialist; when the alternative is the globalalisation of ThirdWorldism, the sanctification of warmongering and the acquittal of EarthCrime, fucking right I am socialist. You can call it what you want.
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