BRIAN AND FAGASH LIL BEING APPALLED
What a life this bloke has, eh? Airhead, bimbo former wife being a nuisance and Fuck me gently, as if by magic, a drunken driver solves the problem, Jesus, if only all those plagued by exes were so fortunate. And the money, the seventeen mill she had hustled off Mummy Brenda, just - via "those outstanding, exemplary, young men" ( J. Major, aged 52 ) - hoovered back into the family fortunes. And no more talk of wog babies or coke-snorting with playboys. How fortunate. And the old boot, he and Horseface finally managed to tie the knot, after all those years of rutting adultery, all the courtiers politely looking the other way. And the whole thing stage managed to win the happy couple the love of the people. Even though they are a revolting, idle pair of slags, the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.
But doesn't he work hard, riding around in the Royal Train and cutting ribbons. Sometimes, he only gets six weeks at his favourite ski-ing resort, just the kind of man we need in CallHimDave's Big Society.
Anyway, here he is in his medals, doing what he does best, fuck all. They dug up some WW1 remains, some fucked-up episode of Brigadier-General Rupert Golightly-Jockstrap-inspired slaughter and were busy giving the lads, mostly ANZACS, mostly teenagers, one of those belated wotsanames, burial with full military honours, nearly a hundred years after they were butchered and so they sent for this useless prick, so's he could be appalled or humbled or inspired or whichever fretful adjective he chooses to distinguish his worthless presence, lets send for Brian, he can do that appalled shit like no-one else, yes, let him bring the old baggage, too, if he wants, so's the relatives can see what their lads died for, King and Country. And Doxy. Couldn't make it up..
Tomorrow in the Filth-O-Graph.
David Cameron on why we simply must scrap state education, the NHS and the old-age pension but we must retain a huge, cardboard, cut-out Ruritanian monarchy with princes and dukes in uniforms, on horses and covered in medals for fuck all.
PLUS: Dave and Brenda, How They Are Related.