Monday, 5 July 2010

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY. THE DAILY ISHMAEL.

LAST WEEK IN THE COALITION.

Mr Chris Huhne of the Tory Party
explaining his principles to the people who voted LibDem. And Tory.

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The right honourable Mr Chris Huhne, MP, HM Seckatry of State for Energy, especially energetic when it comes to lying to his loyal wife and standing like a cunt at a railway station pretending not to have been banging the slapper a few yards away on the platform, thinking, obviously, that everyone is as stupid as he.

Mr Tiny Speaker, when I said in our manifesto  that I was opposed to nuclear energy quite clearly what I meant was that I wasn't opposed to nuclear energy and that quite cleary  remains my position. I am not opposed to it, even though I am opposed to it. As the party opposite would understand if  we had gone into a very necessarty coalition with them, instead of with our fellow millionaire bootboys, wankers and spankers. As for the matter of myself and Mrs Slapper and suggestions that if I would so easily betray my wife then I would also betray my constituents, I simply say that quite clearly I have already quite clearly done so, the constituents, I mean. And the wife. And anyone, really, if I get the chance.

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FROM SKYMADEUPSPORTSANDFILTH



As a plane load of 
premiership gang rapists flew home from Mandelaberg, leader of the LibDems and Tories, Mr CallHimDave, blamed their failure to recently rape any gullible teenagers on the previous administration.

I blame thirteen years of Labour misrule for me not being able to say that England's World Cup victory reflected the new spirit of national co-operation which my coalition embodies and thus their outstanding performance is all down to me. But they fucked it.  I mean, those black teenagers out in Africa, they're begging for it, you'd think the lads could have spit-roasted a few of them, for the country. But look, homo-erotocism, of the sort we see every Saturday,  is all well and good, millions of gay men cheering-on their idols is one thing, let's face it, there can be no finer expression of male love than two men, or indeed, I understand, more than two, fucking each other via a young, impressionable, drunken teenaged girl, you know, gangrape, it really is in the finest traditions of sportsmanship  - and you know, this football thing,  it does have its roots in oik factory culture, back in the good old days we used to let them work six days but have Wednesday afternoon off, that's why some of the teams are called something-Wednesday  it was the only time they could play and that's what we must get back to, a proper understanding of the nature of leisure; we, with heavy responsibilities,  must have it to recharge our batteries but poor bastards, oiks, well, they should work all the time, 'swhat they're for isn't it? But we mustn't lose sight of the real issue, the thing which made us great and I'm talking here about pain, pain, yes and humiliation, we in the Liberal Party do it to the people and they love it so much that they start beggimg for it. Like now. Did I say Liberal Party? I meant, of course, Mr Tiny Speaker, to say Conservative Party, although, in truth, Mr Tiny Speaker, there's not much difference between us, nor Labour, come to that.  The people, you see, thay are the common enemy, the enemy  within.

But the England supporters are truly an advanced case of masochism en masse, which is just as well, really, one way and another, said Mr CallHimDave, our latest unelected prime minister, below, in negotiations with a colleague.

 Privy councillors; the Devil, as ever, is in the detail.

Welfare to work, that's what these fans need, never mind lengthy holidays in the Sun while the rest of us are knocking our guts out attacking the poor and the sick and the disabled.  If you think it's easy dreaming up new, petty ways in which to humiliate sick people and old people then you have no idea of how hard it is forging a govament of national hatred. But somebody's gotta do it.  Thank God we have lots of Bullingdon Boys in the govament.  And a few gimps.
Mr Nick Clegg, MP & HM Principal Gimp.

As for taxation well, this just proves my point.  The footballers have been paying far too much of their incomes in taxation and it has probably sapped their will to rape, I mean win.  If we 're not jolly careful they'll all be going and working abroad. No taxation for rich people,  that's the thing. And we would go further, Mr Tiny Speaker. The best thing for our high earners is not to tax them at all and for every million pounds a week they earn we should bung them another half-mill from public funds, we'll easily afford it from all the disability payments we're cutting.  I must pay some people to come up with some facts to prove this is right, an independent body which does exactly as I say, like these chaps at the office of budget wotsit. And Ms Frank Field is probably the right sort of slag to do it. What, he's already on the payroll? Well that's alright then, give him a rise. Reward the rich and punish the poor, that's the thing. Did I mention I went to Eton? And that's why I'm so fucking stupid.

Inbred? Well, all the best people are.

 FOREIGN NEWS: HOW TO SPEAK PETRAEUS.

Gennulmen, we gotta kill more gooks;
'sthe only way to make them motherfuckers love us. My Lai, gennulmen, Wounded Knee, Fallujah and Hiroshima, that's the finest tradition of my army, kill them civilian sonsafuckingbitches. Greater love hath no motherfucker, gennulmen, than that he turn flamethrowers on infants for his country.

Surge:  Reinforcement because there weren't enough troops in the first place and, in fact, no amount of troops would be able to complete the mission. (see mission)

Mission. Illegal invasion of sovereign territory with the  express purpose of stealing its natural resources and installing  democracy. (see democracy)


Democracy. Organsising fake elections so that pimps, bandits and torturers bought by Uncle Sam can help run the organised crime enterprise  which is  otherwise known as US foreign policy. (see US foreign policy)

US foreign policy. Global terrorism and tyranny via eight hundred overseas military bases immune form the civil jurisprudence (especially with regard to the rape of civilian children) of the countries in which they are located;  the overthrow, by black operations of legitimately elected foreign governemnts; the  funding, arming and installation of brutal tyrants such as Mr Saddam Hussein and the purchase of foreign governments via their leaders - see Tony & Imelda Blair -  and the furtherance of the business interests of those corporatiions which own the President, the White House,  the Senate, the Congress, the Supreme Court and the organs of mass communication, or capitalist propaganda, to give skymadeupnewsandfilth its proper name.

Spike. This is what we call, in theatre,  the enemy killing us in greater numbers than usual, a spike is meant to indicate a temprorary rise in our fatalities. Only it's not.  Temporary, that is.

Resorting to Improvised Explosive Devices. This is what we call, in theatre,  the enemy killing us in greater numbers than usual, as though killing us with IEDs made our fatalities less dead.
Winning hearts and minds: As US veteran, Gordon Duff, says:   Imagine, winning a war by hiring your enemy to handle security for your logistics; coercing an enemy to the negotiation table who you are actually paying to fight you.  ”Please, if you don’t stop attacking us, we will bring in more troops and have to pay you millions of dollars to deliver their ammuntion and food.”
Commander-in-Chief.  That useless, gobby, one-term  prick in Washington who, having already sacked two generals, can't hardly go sacking me, now, can he?
My fellow motherfuckers.  My solemn pledge to y'all is that our troops will all be to fuck out of Afghanistan by the time of my next election. And with the help of General Petraeus, that's exactly what's not gonna happen.


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CHIEF SECRETARY:
YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS,
HUNDRED PER CENT CUTS.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.


 Mr Danny Alexander, formerly in charge of snowshoes in the Cairngorms National Park, said today that he had looked at the books and the only answer was to cut everything, otherwise there would be no public services.  I have worked it out in my roughbook, continued the teenager, and shown it to Mr Cameron, the Headmaster, and he agrees. We must cut everything by a hundred per cent. Or more. Apart from the Cabinet of course, because that would be just silly.


Mr Nick Gimp, MP, will announce today that there is to be a referendum on whether he should stay as a gimp, enslaved to Mr Cameron,  servile and repellent or become a proper grown-up, with views of his own.  Mr CallHimDave is very kindly allowing me to have this referendum, which  he will make sure we lose and then have to join the Tory party officially, instead of as it is now, with us just being slaves and cocksuckers.  At least, though, we are in power, if you don't look too closely.

3 comments:

mrs narcolept said...

I remember Stanislav telling us was new party coming, could see it a mile off from here, and now see what has happened.

If we ignore them perhaps they will go away.

call me ishmael said...

Ah, stanislav, how I wish you were here.

a young anglo-irish catholic said...

Dear God, to hear Stanislav right now...