Thursday, 8 July 2010



Constable and Right Worshipful Master, Mr Andy Gob, speaking to me earlier, said that he and his members down the Lodge would just like to reassure  non-brethren members of the public that if this bloke in Northumberland had been an entirely innocent Irishman, black man or a Brazilian commuter, he would of hopefully been shot so full of holes by now that you could strain gravy through him, hopefully.  Clearly, continued PC Gob, this geezer is proceeding in an armed manner and has actually committed offences, including shooting at his bitch who betrayed him, in which matter he will have the sympathy of all good Masonic officers, but my members clearly have no experience of shooting at armed guilty people and normally just shoot innocent people in the head, at close range, as a preliminary to being promoted; chasing an armed man over mountains is not what we joined up to do, and we're crap at it..

Members of the public  shooting at my members breaks a long tradition in which hopefully  it is we who usually  shoot at them in the time honoured tradition of split-second  decisions, hopefully right but normally wrong. Let's be clear about this,  this man represents a threat to my brethren and we won't stop racing around in cars until he's shot hopefully dead, hopefully by the SAS.

That was PC Gob, but waddaweknow know about the real man, Raoul Wotsit, the one who looks like an ex-copper working as a bouncer? And that bug-eyed Chief Constable with the warts, is she a lezza?

Certainly looks like one, no wonder the force is rubbish.
But over now  to Jayne Tits in the studio.

Jeremy, thanks, we know nothing about this bloke but we'll make something up, that's what we do, Stay tuned for more madeupnewsandfilth, after this short break.


PT Barnum said...

I've especially "enjoyed" the necessity to provide expert insight into what this man might do next, courtesy of a small chorus of "criminal psychologists" (a term that has always amused me for its accidental serendipity), who preface every sentence with "Of course I can only speculate" before uttering some pseudoscientific garbage about human behaviour.

What odds would one place on him being able to surrender to the police and not gain a head like a sieve?

mrs narcolept said...

Not wanting to lower the tone or anything, but that has to be the worst police hairdo I have seen for a long time. In all the excitement of being on the telly she must have forgotten to tidy it up after she took her hat off.

Ragarse said...

I'm 6'3", 17 stone with close cropped fair hair and live about 2 miles from force HQ in Ponteland.Haven't dared go out of the house for three days for fear of a police bullet.Apparently they've got a detachment from West Yorkshire police who are running round looking for a man with a Wearside accent. Oh! by the way the reward has doubled from £10000 to £20000 - it's a Raoul-over!

Hot foot from the parish meeting as beamed live to the nation said...

Apparently, a fully armed and equipped Kay Burley has been drafted in.
It can only be a matter of time before she apprehends his ex girlfriend with an ambush question concerning her inability to satisfy his sexual needs.

call me ishmael said...

The best one, for me, has been Andy Redhead, former police firearms officer and a bit of a Raoul himself, by the look of him. Andy's been helping John, is it Singleton, Stapleton, Simpleton, the one who used to do religious chat on a Sunday morning, with his enquiries.
Andy's got one of those beards that say Respect me or I'll kill you, after making a spilt-second, life or death decision. I couldn't find a pictrure of him though, or capture one off the telly.

Alistair Stewart's the man, off Police, Action, Camera, Prison! Just put him up in a helicopter with a heat-seeker and he'll have this guy Raoulled-over and banged up in no time.

I haven't seen Kay in all this, maybe she's having her teeth filed, so's she can bite somebody's face off, horrible fucking monster.

It is amazing that one steroided, headbanging Narcissus like this can cost so much overtime, make such monkeys of Hi-tech Old Bill; don't they know these are Austerity Years?

Long odds, mr ptb but he's probably in London or Scotland, isn't he; he surely can't be living in a wood, eating grubs, can he? Best all hope they don't shoot Mr ragarse in frustration; you know what they're like.

Clarinda said...

Raoul bin Moat may well be holed up as Osama apparently is - or as dead as - hence no heat-seeking alert.

Are the police trying to make him appear even more dangerous and devious so that giving them the slip for eight days is Raoul Moat's fault.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, Clarinda, it is as you say, exaggeration. Everybody knows that when Old Bill finds, or plants, a bag of weed on some hapless citizen, he has recovered drugs "with a street value of three billion pounds."

Considering their clear-up rate*, often in single percentage figures, the Old Bill must deliver the worst value of all publicly-funded enterprises, Jesus, if social services or education delivered the same level of competence the Gove-ites'd be shitting their pants with indignation; hypocritical incompetents, maybe that's why the cops are so lip-served and lionised by the equally useless scum in parliament, ever happy to deploy the heavily-armed thin blue line against the people.

*Even these figures are a joke, thuggish DCs en route to the high command are happy to have countless unsolved crimes TIC'd -taken into consideration - or wrongly admitted-to, by gullible petty offenders, in exchange for a fag or two, or a friendly word or the promise of bail. When we consider the numbers of high-profile fit-ups - and how many more there must be, struggling without campaigners or publicity - the already derisory clear-up rates must actually be small to the point of vanishing.