MR CALLHIMDAVE TAKES THAT CALL FROM GENERAL PETRAEUS

MR CALLHIMDAVE ON THE LINE TO KABUL

"Hello, is that the Limey President...?"

Yes, General, I can  hear you quite clearly. No, that's alright. No, I normally talk out of it, only it's best we keep that entre-nous; yes, General, cheese-eating surrender monkeys, very good, yes, I do remember. Now,  you want our chaps offside; too soft, yes, I see, need to be killing more civilians, wedding parties, nurseries, playgrounds, yes.  Oh, quite, yes, hearts and minds, GI Joe knows best.  Yes, I know, General McChrystal was a damn pinko pacifist faggot, yes, General, only good gook's a dead gook. No, General, can't win a Goddamned war with one hand up yer ass and the other jerkin'-off the nigger-president;  yes, General,  Washington is full of Goddamned fairy cocksuckers. Westminster? Well, there's Mr Duncan of course and Mr Straight Simon Hughes and, well, that's about it on our side. Mr Clarke? Well I don't think so but you never know. And now you mention it, he is a bit faggoty on things like prison. But that would be it, two or three at most, on the Coalition side. The Communist Labour Party, Oh, I should think most of them.  But, forgive me General, if this is a NATO mission why is it that you are calling all the shots and marching my ten thousand men down the hill and not marching them up again?  No, no, General, with the greatest respect, the Queen's Own Nancyboys, led by Major General Rupert Golightly-Jockstrap, are not like a bunch of screeching Brazilian ladymen, well, not all of them, there's the odd guardsman, I suppose, a bit of rough trade, as we Old Etonians say, but if you don't want them there, getting in the way with all that rules of engagement shit, that's fine by me, after all, it's your country, Afghanistan...........

Mr Tiny Speaker, I must report to the House that I and the foreign seckatry, Mr Hague of JCB Ltd and His Doctorness, the seckatry for defence, have had full  and fruitful conversations with General David Motherfucker of our Nato allies and masters,  the United States of America, which we are happy to serve and hopefully get as much cash from as the former member for greed, the right honourable Mr Tony Blair of Nassau and his doxy, the Lady Imelda of Freebies4Me did.  General Sonofafuckinbitch said that he was gonna have to kick some nigger ass, Mr Tiny Speaker,  get the napalm out and those awfully efficient airborne Gatling guns and so we'd be better in the dugout for a while, chillin' out with some good grass, although, speaking for myself,  it's the Bolivian Marching Powder has the best effects.  And at this point, as I do every Wednesday, Mr Tiny Speaker, I'd just like to say that the whole house will join with me in remembering corporal blah-blah-blah...huge debt.....magnificent professionalism....and thank fuck none of us or our children are out there in that shithole.... wherever the fuck it is.

Hear-hear!  Hear-hear!