COALITION ILLEGAL, SAYS NICKY THE GIMP,
DEPUTY PRIME MINISTER
Standing-in for his master at Master's Questions Time, Mr Nicky Gimp, formerly of the Liberal Democrats, accused himself of acting illegally in leading the country illegally into an illegal coalition. Millions of lives will be damaged by this act. Am I proud of myself? Of course I am. Would I have done anything to stand at this Despatch Box and talk complete bollocks whilst my former colleagues looked on in stunned embarrassment, or looked the other way in shame as I cheered policies exactly opposite to my own? Of course I would. This is the New Politics, Mr Tiny Speaker. People may not like it. I don't like it. And when I get home at night to my darling Maria Elena Consuela Theresa Tortilla Pancho de Los Angeles do I get enfolded on her warm Spanish Paellas? No, of course I don't. Por favor, Nicky, you are not the same man I married, you are 'ow you say, a deesgusting fucking pervert, who let another hombre tie eem the fuck up and wheep hees arse, Ole, Santa Maria, Madre de Dios and so on, that's what I get. But let's be clear about something, throwing people out of work, slashing their living standards, chastising, slandering, belittling them and generally acting like a spiteful, deceitful little turd is exactly what I came into politics to do. Am I incompetent? Well, it's a question I often ask myself, as I lick the soles of the Prime Minister's shoes, and the answer is always the same - Does the Pope Shit In the Woods?
My party, Mr Tiny Speaker, my party, I would remind subs and doms on all sides of the dungeon, I mean house, my party, the one I used to be in before I took up my nationally important gimp duties, was the only party opposed to this illegal coalition. And that's why we are in it. And I commend myself to anyone still listening.