Thursday, 22 July 2010

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, THE FILTH-O-GRAPH. Coalition confusion as Nick Clegg tells Commons that the Iraq war was illegal The invasion of Iraq was illegal, Nick Clegg has declared throwing into confusion the Coalition Government's policy.


Standing-in for his master at Master's Questions Time, Mr Nicky Gimp, formerly of the Liberal Democrats, accused himself of acting illegally in leading the country illegally into an illegal coalition. Millions of lives will be damaged by this act. Am I proud of myself? Of course I am. Would I have done anything to stand at this Despatch Box and talk complete bollocks whilst my former colleagues looked on in stunned embarrassment, or looked the other way in shame as I cheered policies exactly opposite to my own? Of course I would. This is the New Politics, Mr Tiny Speaker. People may not like it.  I don't like it. And when I get home at night to my darling Maria Elena Consuela Theresa Tortilla Pancho de Los Angeles do I get enfolded on her warm Spanish Paellas? No, of course I don't. Por favor, Nicky, you are not the same man I married, you are 'ow you say, a deesgusting fucking pervert, who let another hombre tie eem the fuck up and wheep hees arse, Ole, Santa Maria, Madre de Dios  and so on,  that's what I get. But let's be clear about something, throwing people out of work, slashing their living standards, chastising, slandering,  belittling  them  and generally acting like a spiteful, deceitful little turd is exactly what I came into politics to do. Am I incompetent? Well, it's a question I often ask myself, as I lick the soles of the Prime Minister's shoes, and the answer is always the same -   Does the Pope Shit In the Woods?

My party, Mr Tiny Speaker, my party, I would remind subs and doms on all sides of the dungeon, I mean house, my party, the one I used to be in before I took up my nationally important gimp duties, was the only party opposed to this illegal coalition. And that's why we are in it. And I commend myself to anyone still listening.


mongoose said...

Breath-taking hypocrisy wasn't it? He only escaped with his life because the mad fool Straw was up against him. God help us all.

call me ishmael said...

When he used to stand there, all gormless, hurt and dickheady, being howled-down by his now best chums, or just plain ignored, one used to think, Surely to God, nobody can be as stupid as Clegg and live; just goes to show that one of the benefits of a private education is an impervious indifference to waves of derision flowing one's way, like a Shit-Tsunami.

PT Barnum said...

Intellect really would appear to be a formidable obstacle to political 'success'. Even the merest soupcon of self-reflection, born of the ability to perform coherent analysis, would send the individual howling from the Palace of Westminster at the monstrous crimes effected there.

Dick the Prick said...

Quite agree Mr PTB. In my limited experience off stuff political it is definitely a healthy aversion to the facts that aids promotion. The only relevance to any policy detail, to any innovation or initiative is 'can this damage my reputation, and if so, how the fuck can I get away from it'.

I keep on hearing that Lib Dems are furious with their party and, whilst it may be true, they don't seem to be doing anything about it. I guess the Jock, Taff & Local elections next year may give some indication but considering the last one was meant to be the Tories high watermark & Labour's nadir, I can't really see anything spectacular happening - vast droves of disillusioned Libs turing Labour; hardly if they've got any fucking integrity about Iraq and shit but, then again, what the hell do I know?

I don't really share Mr Ishmael's contempt for the co-alition as my prime emotion is simply relief that New Labour are fucked - a greater and more venal hatred than i've ever really experienced before. it does appear very fucking odd though that the Libs aren't using their bargaining power, you know, at all! This AV shit seems a fucking joke as there'll be a referendum on it after the boundary commission's been hobbled so....

call me ishmael said...

Quite reasonable, mr dtp, indeed entirely consistent to despise NewLabour AND the so-called Coalition, over-optimistic of you, I suggest, to think that just because they are not Brown and Blair, Clegg and CallHimDave are any better; historically, statistically the odds - which the facts substantiate, Laws, Gove, Clegg, U-Turn,Office of Budget Regulation, spin, contradiction, foreign policy on the hoof - are that they will be worse, having, of course, indemnified themselves in advance - Wilson's Thirteen Years of Tory Misrule, versus Cameron's Thirteen Years of Labour Misrule, bollocks isn't it?

The view, incidentally, that Labour is fucked is not universally shared, especially not at the Filth-O-Graph. Should Charlie Kennedy or the prissy, old queen, Campbell, start playing up and should the troops realise that this referendum will obliterate them the alliance will collapse in dust and Labour will be back, refreshed, rightening people with the BogeyMan CallHimDave.

Considering the hatred felt by many for Labour, isn't it a little disconcerting that Cameron and his spivs were unable to secure a certain victory, kicking at an open goal, as they were?

mongoose said...

The coalition, if it is anything, is a marriage, a bunk-up, of convenience arranged so that the Luvvies can be eviscerated. Clegg then positions his lot as the obvious party of the Left. That must be the plan. If it is anything else, it is a fucking stupid idea for the LibDumbs to have gone anywhere near it.

Part of the plan must be to lay the blame for the disaster about to befall poor people - Labour voters in the main - at the feet of their own party. That must be the only reason Clegg would soil his hands with it. I repeat, if it is anything else, it is a fucking stupid idea for the LibDumbs to have gone anywhere near it.

Cameron OTOH gets to lay off the savagery - all in this together - blame everyone but himself, and fuck the LibDems for a generation. A masterstroke by the horrible, horrible bastard that someone else four times as bright as him must have thought of. What did Mad Maggie say "Tony won't let us down", "New Labour is my finest achievement". Pro-Tory boundary changes, AV doesn't turn up, Labour as dead as 1983, LibDems a laughing stock. Jeez, a thousand year Reich beckons.

And Clegg's "illegal war" gaffe was a gaffe, was it? Never underestimate the duplicity of the fucking Tories.

call me ishmael said...

I asm often breathless at the swiftness of your comprehension and the sharpness of your analysis and while many might believe in the obliteration of the Labour Party you don't, mr mongoose.

North of a certain point, Margaret Hilda's demented shade still stalks the land and none will vote for her formal successor, CallHimDave, although they voted in droves for her apparatchiks, Tony and Imelda. And nobody motivated by anything other than wishful thinking would seriously predict Labour's terminal decline. Gordon Snot was not, as you know.much admired hereabouts but that does not mean that, in pennance for his sins, the party will shrivel. On the contrary, how can the party not grow, faced with a front bench of spivs and thieves worse than its own recent, putrid crew.

The LibDems, on the other hand, are likely to be terminated by current events, unless they jump ship; you know very well, despite their historic connection to another party which you so ably outlined here recently, that these are a bunch of embittered chancers, nonetities, refugees from Old Labour, Highlands and Islands freaks and metropolitan degenerates and that whilst the Telegraph et al will rejoice in the punishment of the poor being blamed on Labour, the poor themselves, who can still vote, will rightly see their woes emanating from, and possible only by the shallow opportunism of Nicky the Gimp. Doesn't natter how frenziedly Simon Heffer jerks himself off at the thought of public service cuts, the people actually effected by them will blame, principally, Clegg.

Nobody, we should recall, actually voted for a Coalition and whilst cliche-friendly airheads enthusiastically hosannah its novelty, its chic-Europienne, the vast majority of people on all sides are suspicious, it is, like Mr Clegg, not very British.

mongoose said...

Don't get me wrong now, Mr Ishmael. A plague on both their houses, a pox on them all, and off to Tyburn with the whole steaming lot of them. None of the fucking above. This is mongoose policy.

The Future of the Left, eh? Was it not Crosland who wrote that epitaph all those years ago? Politics is by its very nature a bilateral affair. One either believes/supports/wants something or one doesn't. We gather up these baubles of conviction and by gathering them they become our very own bag of rocks to carry around. When the bag is too heavy, or we become too weak, we set these stones down. Each setting down a rebirth nearer to fuckpigdom. Each day a little nearer to being Jack Straw.

The Labour movement has its noble roots in greater social justice. Go tell it it in Tolpuddle. This justice is now adrift in a sea of cant and cunthood. Think only of Lord-to-be Straw, or Blair, McDoom, the vile grasping antics of the Welsh Windbag, and you will see the truth of this. This is not to say that reform in the eighties was not necessary. It was. Red Robbo, the swine, and his bastard, befuddled brethren helped Maggie to finish off the finest engineering industry on the planet. God rot their bones, all of them. But it should though be clear by now that the wrong road was taken at that particular crossroads.

The point about the left is that it absolutely must stand as a balance against the forces of the market. That's the fucking point, Blair, you twat, isn't it? Add that equality alone butters no parsnips and one begins to edge towards a modern truth. We don't need a Labour movement to address the lop-sided inequities of the industrial revolution. We need a movement of the left to bring real equality of opportunity. When you see your neighbor carrying something,
help him with his load. And don't go mistaking Paradise for that home across the road. It's not difficult, is it? Instead the late Labour government delivered equality of oppression and idiocy. It has strewn the land with CCTV and salted the earth with criminalised mischance. Meanwhile another generation of the disadvantaged is settling down clueless and doomed to watch daytime TV with Judge Judy. The fuckers should hang their heads in shame. After 13 years, my kids are getting a worse education than I got a third of a century ago. The old lady across the lane still drags her ninety-year-old arse to the supermarket every day at mark-down time to get her bargains because her pension is only ninety fucking quid. I may not take the girls to Brownies without being written up as a nonce. It is all too much to bear. That they have beggared the nation beyond parody is just the icing on the cake.

Clegg needs to get his head out of his arse, find himself a weatherman, perhaps, to tell him which way the wind blows, and see that he has a chance to unite the centre-left. Perhaps the last chance this side of Shock and Awe Tehran ("The Armageddon Edition"). Oh, oops, it's too late. He did the other thing. I forgot. Never mind, eh. Got a jag out of it. And a Parker pen too, I shouldn't wonder.

God help us all.

call me ishmael said...

Srange, isn't it, and melancholy that we, who would be forever young, are suddenly made old by Ruin's Progress, but even so, the suggestion that there might be Salvation in Clegg is a descant too bitter by half. None, soon, will sing your hymns, mr mongoose, or mine. The Wintertime is coming.

a young anglo-irish catholic said...

'Red Robbo, the swine, and his bastard, befuddled brethren helped Maggie to finish off the finest engineering industry on the planet.'

Sentimental stuff, Mr Mongoose. I interviewed Michael Edwardes years ago, who was sent in by Callaghan to sort out BL.

Edwardes drove the early prototype of what became the Maestro in 1978.

It was, apparently, shit beyond measure. He went straight off to see Maggie (once she was in No10) to beg to be allowed to sign an engineering deal with another carmaker.

'We [BL] had forgotten how to make cars' Edwardes told me.

Yet 15 years before Austin launched the 1100/1300 which - while it rusted like buggery - was the UK's best-selling car for pretty much a decade. Not huge abroad (a problem the UK never solved) but a fine piece of work.

Robbo - a communist when he started at Longbridge in the 1950s - was a proper menace, but the engineering ability at BL had collapsed.

BL - TooBigToFail - was propped up by Mags for years, a billion bung went its way in the early 1980s, as an example.

Don't know who to blame. Education? Universities obsessed with turning out essay writers? Dunno.

mongoose said...

I inherited a Maestro as a company car all those years ago, Mr YAIC, about 1986. It was a scarlet MG-badged 2-litre piece of crap. The wiper arms fell off one day on the way back from Wales - the load of a bit of snow was too much and stripped the splines off the rotors. Shite it was but it went round corners just beautifully in the dry.

mongoose said...

And if y'all want to see what sort of cretins are now in charge of helping kids up the ladder, read this drivel from the Rector, no less, of Exeter College, Oxford, who thinks that universties are the car industry of the 21st Century. Give me strength.

call me ishmael said...

Cairncross, in her youth, was economics editor of the Guardian, whaddayouexpect?

Otherwise, I refer the gentleman to the label on the tin - Chronicles of Ruin; we have had the best days and a nation with a more sensible attitude to taxation might have prologed them for its children, talking about my generation, rather listen to the oaf, Springsteen, than to Ruin's ascending growl.