call me ishmael: The Sunday Ishmael: 19/01/2025

The Beeb and, doubtless, news agencies from around the world had flocked to Gaza for 6.00am to capture the jubilating as Hamas won the war. There was a teensy bit of jubilating, but bombs continued to fall because the frigging stupid Hamas leadership couldn't or wouldn't come up with the names of the three hostages they are releasing today. They eventually did - found 3 live ones out of the 94 believed to be still held by Hamas, and the ceasefire became effective from 9.00am. So Israel has lost again, its borders still threatened by enemies implacably and ideologically opposed to the very existence of Jews living in their own country. All the ululating and pro-Hamas news coverage by the West has won this battle of the existential and anti-Semitic war waged against a legally-constituted, democratic, Western nation by a pack of mediaeval, misogynistic god-botherers for the last 76 years.

Hey Ho.

But, mrs ishmael, how can you apostrophise this as a victory for Hamas? The humanitarian disaster visited upon innocent civilians - women, children and hospital patients in an Armageddon-style over-retaliation by the bad wicked demonic Israel Defence Forces?

Oh do fuck off. There aren't any innocent civilians in Gaza. They voted Hamas in, and next time, they will vote them in again. They have nurtured terrorists in their bosoms and their cellars, and celebrated with the firing into the air of weapons and extreme jubilation the precipitating raid on Israel; the rape, mutilation and murder of Israeli citizens and the abduction and continued detention of 251 people in October 2023. 251 people, of which 94 are still unaccounted for but only 60 are believed to be alive.

Just look at the deal and tell me that Hamas hasn't won:

Hamas gets 30 Palestinian prisoners for releasing only 1 civilian hostage unlawfully kidnapped and held since October 2023.
Hamas gets 50 Palestinian prisoners for only 1 female Israeli soldier they have imprisoned.
Israel will release all Palestinian women and children under 19 detained since Oct. 7, 2023 by end of the first phase. The total number of Palestinians released will depend on hostages released.
Hamas will release 33 hostages over the next 6 weeks, including today's 3 hostages, starting with the living ones and followed by the remains of those who have died in Hamas imprisonment. That leaves 61 hostages in Hamas imprisonment.
Hamas will tell the International Red Cross where in Gaza they will release the hostages and the Red Cross will collect them.
The implementation of the agreement will be guaranteed by Qatar, Egypt and the United States.
On day 16 further negotiations will begin in an attempt to secure the release of all the remaining hostages seized in October 2023, all Israeli soldiers held by Hamas, the complete withdrawal from Gaza of all Israeli soldiers, and a permanent ceasefire. Best of luck with that one.
This will be followed by the return of the remaining dead and the reconstruction of Gaza. This is expected to cost in the region of $80 billion. No-one is very keen on paying this - both in Europe and the U.S. decision-makers are questioning why they should fork out again to rebuild infrastructure which is only going to be bombed again, cynically accepting that Hamas will regroup and start all over again. In December, Gideon Rachman, chief foreign affairs commentator, wrote in the Financial Times: " I have heard senior E.U. officials say unequivocally that Europe will not pay for the reconstruction of Gaza. The sums of money required by Ukraine are already mind-boggling. The U.S. Congress seems to be turning against all forms of foreign assistance."

Well, it's surely not going to be us? Britain, that is? Nothing to do with us. Mind you, the Ukraine/Russian war is nothing to do with us, but that hasn't stopped our leaders pouring money we can ill afford into Ukraine. We have an NHS that cannot provide for the basic medical needs of the British people, let alone fund luxurious whimsical fripperies like gender re-assignment surgery (otherwise known as chopping off perfectly healthy bits because the owner has taken against them - why isn't it called Body Integrity Identity Disorder - you know, where people take a chainsaw to their leg?) or getting women pregnant when nature said no, no, no - during the 1970's and '80's, Dr David Cline, a fertility specialist in Indiana, inseminated dozens of women with his own sperm without their knowledge or consent - presumably they thought the sperm was from some other chap, or God or something. 94 people have been identified as his bastards. Netflix made a documentary about it called Our Father. And there's all these abandoned homeless children living on the streets of all the cities in India - hundreds of thousands of them. They could benefit from a nice home in Indiana. Like rescue dogs - better to give an existing one a home, rather than commission a new one. Planetary resources and all that.

So, certainly not Britain. Although the U.K. Government doesn't seem to understand that when you are so skint you can't fund the NHS, the population is in such poverty that Food Banks were needed by 3.12 million people in 2022/23 and "Warming Centres" are being set up to stop pensioners freezing to death in their homes; then supporting the Dwarf Zelensky in his mission to retain the presidency of Ukraine in perpetuity is maybe a luxury too far. However, the U.K.'s website boasts:

"Russia’s illegal invasion of Ukraine poses a serious threat to UK prosperity and security. We are proud to be a leading partner in providing vital support to Ukraine. In total, the UK has committed £12.8 billion for Ukraine:

£7.8 billion in military support

£5 billion in non-military support."

Have you noticed how the Government has dropped its full stops? It is mistaken if it considers this a triumph for the Plain English campaign. UK without its full stops becomes a standalone word, to be pronounced uck, rather than an acronym that stands for something. Oh, wait - yes, well.

So, no, not poverty-stricken Britain that no longer stands for anything. I know! Iran! Ask them - they've got loads of money and anyway, they started it.

I should say that this is not a position that mr ishmael held on the conflicts in the Middle East. He was appalled by the slaughter, by the destruction of war and by the involvement of global powers pursuing their national interests in the never-ending war. But unless this pattern is to continue - have a bit of a war, make a mess, clean it up and then start again, something different is needed. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Turns out Einstein didn't say that - the advice seems to have turned up in A.A. meetings (drunks, not cars). I understand this, speaking as a life-long fan of the cup that cheers and my unfailing next-day disappointment - what, a hangover again?

Onto other things.

I was amused by this little snippet of historical idiocy turned up by editor mr verge.

Did you know that, according to the Roman Catholic Church, decadent and corrupting pointy shoes were responsible for the Black Death? In 1348, London fell prey to the plague, which killed around 40,000 people - almost half of the city's population. The Church advised that this was in consequence of the "impropriety of the behaviour of men" . These corrupting disease-vector shoes had been around for a long time. In his History of the Church, written in around 1100, Orderic Vitalis, a Benedictine monk, condemned the wearing of long-toed shoes.

"A debauched fellow named Robert was the first, about the time of William Rufus, who introduced the practice of filling the long points of the shoes with tow (the fibre of flax, hemp or jute) and of turning them up like a ram's horn. This absurd fashion was speedily adopted by a great number of the nobility as a proud distinction and sign of merit. Our wanton youths are sunk in effeminacy."

Despite the censure of Orderic, the fashion was resilient.

The London Museum advises that young men would "stand on street corners wiggling their shoes suggestively" at people walking by. Bells were sewn to the ends of the points, to tinkle merrily during the shoe-wiggling, indicating that the wearer was up for it.

The London Museum has examples with toe points longer than 10cm, while a monk at Evesham Abbey claimed in 1394 that he had seen people wear them "half a yard (45cm) in length. It was necessary for them to be tied to the shin with chains of silver" to enable walking.

"Our wanton youths are sunk in effeminacy."

"They insert their toes in things like serpents' tails which present to view the shape of scorpions... They give themselves up to sodomitic filth", with "long luxurious locks like women," and "over-tight shirts and tunics".

In 1463 Edward IV passed a sumptuary law to stop anyone lower in rank than lord to wear shoes longer than two inches in the points.

People found to be of too low a rank to have an extremely long point could be fined, and "any cordwainer or cobbler within the city of London or within three miles of any part of the same city" was banned from supplying or making them for people of insufficient nobility.

Londoners, eh? What are they like?

A study in 2005 of medieval remains found hallux valgus - a small deformity of the big toe with a bony protrusion at its base, more commonly known as bunions. And a 2021 study found that those who lived in more fashionable neighbourhoods during the height of the poulaine (pointy shoe) fashion were far more likely to have bunions, misshapen feet, and bone fractures in the arms associated with falling injuries due to the mediaeval equivalent of rent boy suits.

Get the London look.

Don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.

You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps
please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr
Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux
https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.