The Sunday Ishmael:11/08/2024

 

Five miles meandering with a mazy motion

Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,

Then reached the caverns measureless to man,

And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean;

And ’mid this tumult Kubla heard from far

Ancestral voices prophesying war!

extract from Kubla Khan - Coleridge

What with Elon Musk prophesying war, and Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, Canada, India and the United Arab Emirates issuing travel warnings for the UK, Robert Tombs, emeritus professor in History at the University of Cambridge, has weighed in to reassure us, in the Spectator,  that there won't be a civil war because the citizenry aren't armed, organised, or militarily experienced, unlike during the 1642 English Civil War, or Bonny Prince Charlie's stramash in 1745 or that little problem in Ireland in 1916. He concludes: "However ostrich-like today’s politicians often seem, we should only start to worry if they permitted the English Defence League or indeed Extinction Rebellion to ship in large numbers of guns and practise guerrilla warfare in Hyde Park. So civil war is unimaginable in any foreseeable circumstances."  

Reassured? Well, you shouldn't be. What the good former professor (emeritus means the holder has retired, but is allowed to retain the title as an honour) has  left out of the equation is the invention of the mobile phone and its potential for instantaneous communication of grievance and battle strategy, and, of course, the interest of foreign governments in destabilising and weakening  Great Britain.

Turns out the retired Prof. was only chopping words, though - as he concedes: "widespread and recurring civil disorder is all too possible. Weak policing is clearly an element. .... There is always a criminal element that enjoys both recreational violence and the opportunity to do a bit of looting. But there is always a political grievance too. Throughout history, people riot or rebel when they believe they are ignored. What protects democracies is that they listen and respond. Otherwise, they make themselves increasingly reliant on force."

And Keir Starmer has informed his Cabinet that a "standing army" of 6,000 special duty public officers are on standby to be deployed nationwide to tackle any further unrest. I'm assuming when he says special duty he doesn't mean Specials - volunteer community bobbies. At least, I hope not. He couldn't deploy the Army - the optics of sending tanks and the soldiery down the streets of Birmingham would be absolutely appalling. So he is persisting in dealing with this as a policing matter perpetrated by naughty criminal types. What he isn't doing is taking the good professor's advice that democracies should listen and respond to the people. For pity's sake - he and his Labour crew are in office in consequence of the disillusionment of the people in a Conservative Government that was disinterested, uninterested and detached from the daily reality of people's lives in the poor areas of the cities. What does he think he will achieve by sending some of the rioters to prison for a short time? And it can only be for a short time thanks to the appalling overcrowding of Great Britain's prison establishment. He is making warrior heroes out of them. Learned nothing from Northern Ireland, eh, Kier? At least if some Community Service/ Community Payback Orders, with a requirement to clean up some of the mess and plant some daffodil bulbs in the grounds of mosques and burned-out Premier Inns, were handed out, then some good might come of it. But really, a good Government would start listening. Get some research students out to interview the defendants and collate the reasons for all this - as opposed to an Official Inquiry, led by some ennobled pillar of the establishment which will take evidence for ever and then tidily sweep its findings under the carpet - a full and far-reaching cover-up. Mind you, it is not hard to determine the reasons. As Douglas Murray, also writing in the Spectator, laid it out:

• In 2011, the proportion of people on out-of-work benefits in Sunderland was 18%, today it is 19%. In Rotherham it was 16%, today it is 18%. In Hartlepool, it was 21%, today it is 23%.
• In the towns in which rioting has occurred in the last week or so, there is not one in which the job situation has improved in 13 years. Instead, employment has got demonstrably worse.
• Incapable of improving education, incentives and job opportunities in these areas, all governments have increased legal migration to Britain and claimed that the economy was growing as a result. This is bollocks. Multiple studies show that the migrant is benefitted, but the economy remains unimproved. It undercuts local labour, and the increased demand for housing and limited housing stock makes their situation much worse. To say nothing of increased pressure on the infrastructure of GPs, dentists and education.
• In 2011, foreign-born workers made up 14% of Britain's workforce. Now it is 21%. Employment has grown by 3.6 million, but 74% consists of immigrant workers. Only 929,000 of these 3.6 million workers were born in Britain.

Why 2011, you may ask - that is when the last major wave of rioting engulfed Britain. 

Those warnings by foreign Governments against travelling to Britain:

Nigeria: issued a "travel alert" warning of "an increased risk of violence and disorder occasioned by the recent riots in the UK.....the violence has assumed dangerous proportions......demonstrations by far right and other extra-parliamentary groups in parts of the UK in recent weeks have been large, and in some instances unruly."
Malaysia: The High Commission warned: "Malaysians residing in or travelling to the United Kingdom are urged to stay away from protest areas, remain vigilant and follow the latest updates and guidance provided by local authorities."
Indonesia: warned its citizens in the U.K. to stay vigilant and "avoid large crowds and places that have the potential to become gathering places for masses or groups of demonstrators."
Australia: warned its nationals to 'exercise a high degree of caution' when travelling to the UK, and to "Avoid areas where protests are occurring due to the potential for disruption and violence."
Canada: the travel guidance has elevated the risk level to those travelling to the U.K, to 'High degree of caution' due to terrorism and unrest. "Demonstrations take place regularly. Even peaceful demonstrations can turn violent at any time. Past violent clashes between protestors and security forces have resulted in assaults, riots, looting and vandalism."
India: issued the advisory: "travellers would be aware of recent disturbances in some parts of the United Kingdom. The High Commission of India in London is closely monitoring the situation. Visitors from India are advised to stay vigilant and exercise due caution while travelling in the UK....It is advisable to follow local news and advisories issued by local security agencies, and to avoid areas where protests are underway. Many countries around the world, including the US, Germany and Denmark, issued travel advice to their citizens following riots in England in summer 2011."

UAE: warned that: "unstable security situation in various cities across the UK" poses a potential hazard to visitors and citizens alike. This comes as Met police officials have vowed to safeguard London amidst "one of the worst spates of violent disorder in the last decade" as additional protests are anticipated tonight.
Kenya: advisory stating that it was closely monitoring the unrest, which it described as "primarily driven by far right and anti immigrant groups". The advisory warned: "The violence has flared up across various towns and cities in the United Kingdom. Kenyans residing in or travelling to the United Kingdom are urged to stay away from the protest areas and should remain vigilant."

.......................................................

In other matters, ishmaelians will be aware that I've not been too well this year. I put it down to long covid and the filthy, disease-ridden cities of the south. Feeling particularly rough this week, I broke the habit of the last 4 years and reported in to the duty GP, having overcome the resistance of the receptionist, who offered me either an appointment in 3 weeks time, or tell me why you need to see the doctor. Having listed all my symptoms, the receptionist slotted me in for an appointment that afternoon. The doc took an armful of blood, cos they don't do diagnosis until they have the bloods tests. She phoned me back the next day: the good news is that your liver, heart, lungs, thyroid and blood sugar are all fine. (amazing, after a lifetime of appreciating a glass or two of red, or white if I'm being self-indulgent, with my evening meal.) The bad news is that you have iron deficiency anaemia, with very low red blood cell counts. We need a poo test. I'll leave a self testing kit and an iron prescription on reception for you.

So now I'm on the iron and have a black tongue and black, black, darkest black poo.

If you want to know about the poo test, let me refer you to the Master:

stanislav: It all shit is.

stanislav get letter off nutter in Aberdeen, professor of bottoms is.

Dear Mr stanislav, is best not croak from bowel cancer and no need is, Jock Tribesman government of Alex Lard committed is to Immortality for all Jocks or people living in here, only not English oil-stealing bastard who can all fuck off and die, so here is simple little test kit, is fun for all the family but only you can play. Just to follow simple instruction:

Go in shithouse, put hand in rubber glove and poo into. Can also poo into jamjar or any other similar clean but disposable container and not for fucks sake re-use because rhubarb jam is not so good made in shitjar and maybe fucking poison Vicar when come is for afternoon tea and hypocrisy How you is Mr stanislav, eh, Jesus special place has in heart for plumber, D'ye ken, the noo, and Polack, too, Our Lord was very fond of Polack bastards, Matthew 3 verse 1, Take what ye have and give unto the Pole, is the Word of God, man, How can ye doubt it. I say, Mrs stan, this jam's jolly good, meaty sort of jam, is it a Polack recipe ? I will have a wee dram wi' ye, just the one. Ah'm away over to see Angus at the fairm and get blootered wi' him.
Can also fold thickly several sheet of bogroll, only not Izal, fuck me, no, place in toilet pan, do quick-fire, no-messing-about poo and hope it floats long enough on bogroll to be rescued from drowning, poo sample is fucked, you see, if go in bogwater and have to start all over again and maybe not ready is again for few hours or even tomorrow, all depends. And anyway not every bastard can just do one poo and stop in mid-dump, is it, and would probably just bombard floating Andrex platform with kilo or two of hot poo and sink to bottom of pan and whole shit sampling process is fucked. Is no fucking wonder, is it, that NHS is fucked, people sending out fucking rubbish advice like this and probably come from desk of shit-sampling-solyoushunsRus senior manager on hundred grand and free carpark space. Most people find is best to do poo straight in hand with glove on and not fuck about, if poor bastard is and no glove has can use crisp packet, or Dorittos; if was nurse, after all, no big deal would be. Nurse! Mr McFadden in bed two shit the bed again, the dirty old bastard, just pop down and clear it up,hen, there's a good girl, only I'm having a right good gossip here. And don't waste time washing hands after, patients need to be fed lunch, chop-chop.
Toilet paper method is crap, really, requiring jump-up from bog and turn around with trousers round ankle and arsehole not wipe or nothing because no time is and no place to put used bogroll would be apart from wastepaper bin filled with old Bic razors worn out and blunt as fuck because mean fucking bastard husband use twenty times rather than just scrap after one shave and only cost ten fucking pence to start with but is every morning Oh Fuck me, can get one more shave out of this bastard, waste not fucking want not eh, and maybe in rush to rescue turd on toilet paper and keep dirty bottom with cheeks apart can fall over and crack head and drown in fucking toilet, with lungs full-up of soggy Andrex fill-up with shit, maybe with cancer in, and no point was trying to avoid bowel cancer in first place, because has drown in shit, innit, instead, anyway. And all thanks to lunatic professor in Aberdeen.

For shit-sampling to be success must take in bog, also, ballpoint pen and cardboard stick and packet of testing envelope. When fresh poo has got in hand take cardboard stick, provided, and get little smear of poo on end, is not much, just a bit and squash onto testing area of little envelope, and then take different bit of poo, from different part of hand-held turd, only not with sweetcorn, and squash onto the other testing strip and stick down that section of envelope, only not for fucks sake by licking edge otherwise get hospital acquire infection without even going near hospital, then write date on with pen. Will be hard because right hand is full of turd and must very best do with left hand, if has shelf in shithouse/bathroom/ahn sweet is best put envelope on shelf and clutch with edge of left hand and write as best as can, taking great care to hold other hand, with poo on, some distance away but not up in air just in case can fall off on fucking head. Once date is on envelope can now dispose of turd from hand and best is to just shake off, over bowl and hope that turd fall off when hand is directly over bowl and not onto carpet, not that fucking carpet should have in shithouse but is ahn sweet so ok is, or worse fucking still into glass with teethbreeshes in which most people keep generally close to toilet on account of how everybody now all oral hygiene conscious is but moron just the same and clean teeth in nice warm germy ahn sweet bathroom full of shitbugs and airborne sanitary towel germ and blockage of warm spit and gumblood and scraps of food in fucking vanity unit sink Ubend which no bastard ever empty until bathroom flooded is and need fucking plumber and never even pour-down some Dettol or Tesco value equivalent product which can't tell the difference from and is only half of fucking price, not even that, is just decades of spat-out rubbish go down hole and fucking fester and monstrous, invisible little army of germs come storming up pipe and parachute in fucking mouth and down to Doctorbastard is with case of DirtyBastarditis Poisoning, Oh, fuck me, Doctorbastard, Irritable Bowel Syndrome has got and need three month off from work is, best make six until fullpay runs out and Doctorbastard should say Fuck off dirty bastard and clean fucking house up and never mind Glade Air Freshen Up, get Jeyes Fluid and pour all over filthy fucking gaff and try turning off heat and open fucking windows but of course is in meaningful relationship dialogue with patient and got no balls has and instead of do proper doctoring refer every bastard to nutter in Aberdeen and do shit test is having to, as above. But is not just one time, balance turd in hand and write left-handed on envelope on top of cistern or on comfortable design feature shelf in airless, windowless ahn fucking sweet germ factory but is three bastard times has this fucking nonsense to do, and would soon be expert and job could get in circus, juggling turds and writing left-handed, with trouser down round ankle and unwiped arse if was any fucking circus left apart from fucking government and house of fucking common and Royal fucking bastard Family of para-fucking-site like Charles, Prince of fucking Wales, and cardboard cut-out Duke and fucking Duchess of this that and fucking other with fucking hundredweight or Euro fucking equivalent of scrap iron costume medals and fucking sashes and fucking ribbons as though useless shower of fucking inbred German ruffians and ponce and pimp just stepped out has from Gilbert and fucking Sullivan Comic fucking Opera set in Ruri-fucking-tania and expect stanislav to bow and fucking scrape at useless fucking idle slags, good for fuck all and up against wall should go. Is fucking twenty fucking first fucking century, innit, can drop fragmentation bomb right on Paki school playground from Washington DC and yet still bowing and fucking scraping is like was New Mediaevalists and stanislav garden party should go to and stand like cunt and useless fairy bastard prince says Oh, and you are a plumber, how very thrilling that must be for you, but not for me, fuck no, carry on, there's a good chap. stanislav bet fortune that Prince of fucking Wales poo stuff procedure doesn't have to do, get royal footman, keeper of the royal shithouse and get him to do it all,

I SAY, WIPE ONE'S ARSE FOR ONE,
THERE'S A GOOD CHAP.

Yes, Your Royal Highness, just poo right here in my hand, if you will be so gracious, oh, Fuck me, Sir, isn't that a magnificent Royal turd, Your Highness is so clever and my goodness, Sire, such an aroma, I'm getting Saxe Coburg and I'm getting Battenberg and if I'm not mistaken I'm getting a hint of Coldstream Guard, Sire, but that'll be from last night, Your Worship.

Would rather fucking have cancer and die than do all this shit, catching poo in hand and jumping up and down in shithouse like demented person with anal fixation, or Herman the German. Herman has special little tray in his toilet so's can examine each and every turd, make sure it is fit for Thousand Year Reich, mad fucking bastard, no wonder all German bint is dyke. Every morning Herman says Ach du Lieber Gott, Mein Frau, look at the size of dis bastard, is like from dambusters, nein, big bastard is, nothing wrong is mit Gunter's bowel, Ja? Can have close examination, bitte, ov your movements' mein Liebschen, Oh, Ja, is pretty little ones, nein? Dirty, filthy bastard is Herman.

But have good idea, can just follow dog, Buster,

on evening dump walk, or morning, or afternoon dump walk and poke little stick in BusterPoo and send off to mad professor, all stuck down in triple envelope. Mind, is good job living in country now and not suburbia, Buster was sick one time, well not just one time but this time VetBastardUlike but not very much said Oi, stan, here is tinfoil tray and just follow Buster around street and when is in mid-stream and leg cocked just shove tray underneath and get sample for me and get sent in laboratory and that'll be twenty nine pounds, please and tray was just piece of junk like faggot and peas come in from Spar CheapShop4Uis but stan and Mrs try to be good citizen and do like told by professional thieving bastard and take dog, Buster, out round streets armed with tinfoil tray. Buster over shoulder was looking like his people has turned into deranged dog-murdering bastard perverts and sitting down and refuse to budge and po-faced Presbyterian bastard neighbours in Inverness

all peep from curtain and go Oh fucking dear, so it is, lookit what they're doin tae yon puir wee dawg, JesusMaryandJoseph, d'ye think we should call the Jock RSPCA or the polis, lookit, they're chasing him again and the bloke's trying to get underneath the wee man's howsyerfaithers, so he is, Oh my goodness, I heard about they Polish men but Ah didnae ken they was intae this shit, and in broad fucking daylight, when is the guvinment going tae do something aboot they damn foreign devils coming over here; d'ye ken ye cannae get a book in English doon the library, they're all fucking Polish, excuse my language, but how do they read all that shit all full up with zeds and vees and doubleyoous and queues and cees, fuck me, that's a desperate lingo, d'ye suppose it affects their teeth, or the way they breathe, no wonder they cry so much, but in the name a Gawd that's no reason for them sexually molesting the puir wee dawg, look he's doin' it again, the noo, out there in broad daylight, and the Inverness shops, they're all filled up with beetroot and cabbage in vinegar and vodka, and chocolate-covered rice crispies; Aw fer Gawd's sake, Angus, they've got the puir wee divil and they're squeezing him, so they are, intae a frozen food container and his puir wee bit a tinkle's coming oot and yon man, in the overalls, he's jumpin' up and doon in delight, so he is, and so stanislav not have very happy memories of chasing dog, Buster, for a urine sample and nearly get run out from town on tar and fucking feather off sour old Jock fishingwife, would no point have been saying Look, Mrs in dog own interest is and not for fucking fun am chasing bloke round street and try and catch piss in tub for analysing, like lunatic with head stuck up dog arse, what you think, stainslav crazy bastard is ? No fucking point, but now is in country living and no bastard neighbour has, because if neighbour saw stanislav poking about in dog shit and putting in envelope and drop in village postbox, shotguns would be out. Anyway will try to sort things out, compulsory not is to do poo nonsense, and just as fucking well. 

Maybe can email professor and say shit in the post is, honest.

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• There's lots more original ishmael and stanislav, in the four-volume Call Me Ishmael oeuvre, collected and curated by editor mr verge, and  available on Lulu and Amazon.

  Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

  IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

  please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

  Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

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  https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

  
  

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  With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.