Sunday 7 May 2023

The Sunday Ishmael: 7/05/2023

So how much did that lot cost us? £100 million is being bruited about. It was certainly the most lavish display of vulgarity I've ever  witnessed. Liberace and Michael Jackson come to mind, with a side order of Elvis Presley.
Good thing it was a slimmed down ceremony, or I might not have been able to afford it.
At least we now know what we are up against. 
Hello, Huw Welshman yere.
No, go away and bring me a Dimbleby.
It is very much a matter of National Regret, look you, that the BBC has run out of Dimbelbys. 
What, no more Dimblebores? What about that one who fooled us all into believing spaghetti grows on trees? And whispered through the Coronation of the QE2? And reverentially laid to rest George VI, J.F.Kennedy and Winston Chuchill?
Quite dead, mrs ishmael, ma'am, a nation mourns his loss.
Or that one that got Brian to spill about Wife Diana and Mistress Camilla?
That Dimbleby is getting on a bit, 79 in July, even older than the Anointed One, and has been Outspoken - 'e said Brian was disgusted and horrified, look you, by everyone swearing allegiance through their tellies, like.
Okay, then, Welshman, get the Dimbleby that planted Diana, you know, when they made little Harry, 12 years old, walk behind his mother's coffin in public and fucked his little ginger head right up? And Queen GinandTonnix, and Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,out,out,out, and the QE2?
With grave respect, mrs ishmael, ma'am, that Dimbleby did, indeed, specialise in funerals, but he's ancient now, look you, 84 if he's a day. I can do it, I can. "David Dimbleby is a gold-plated Rolls-Royce broadcaster. And I have so much to focus on I can’t think about ‘what ifs’. The big lesson in life is to do things your own way. Have the confidence to do it your way. That gives you authenticity."
Out of the way, Welsh Windbag, what about me?
Why not me? I can do deferential, I don't have to talk all the time, and I haven't put my foot, fetchingly clad in 6 inch heels, in it, unlike that Nicholas Witchell, who couldn't stop himself telling the nation, in her obituary, for fuck's sake, that Princess Margaret was a copious consumer of whisky and lovers. And then asking Wills and Harry how they felt about their dad's marriage to Camilla. No wonder Brian said about him: "These bloody people. I can't bear that man. I mean, he's so awful, he really is." 
Fuck off and die; it is I, Huw Welshman, and this is my gig. "Few broadcasters have the privilege of working on a coronation and I’m delighted to be involved. People will be relying on the BBC for coverage of what promises to be a memorable weekend." 

Well, it was, memorable. I won't forget that yellow dress in a hurry.

Apparently, she is called Pretty Yende.
Not only is it immodest, but it gives a whole new take on  I Feel Pretty, from West Side Story.

Or the kilted Humza Useless accompanied by his wife in a get-up liberated from the Costume Department of a mash-up of Braveheart and Outlander, with a dead bird on her heid.
Or the fat black Gospellers in tight white outfits swooshing in the Abbey
Or the Bhanghra dancers
Or Penny Mordaunt, striding about the Abbey, bearing a sword rigidly upright for two hours, in high heels, whilst the little old King was helped to walk by two chaps in frocks.
I swear I'm half in love with easeful Penny, her Dauntless stance, her mighty, sword-wielding arms, her perfect coiffure, her glorious dress and cape combination.  What a Queen she would make, were Vivat, Vivat Vagina Camilla to succumb to the booze n' fags and Carolus find himself with another vacancy in the wife department. Apparently she got in training for her Swords and Sorcery role by doing press-ups to build up the magnificent musculature. Well, couldn't take any risks of a sudden failing of the biceps and the sword crashing down to cleave the King in twain.
We can only imagine what the Dear Late Queen, whose coronation cost a mere £20.5 million in today's money would have made of all this.


mr mike on Pilgrimage

Camino del Norte, about 850 kilometers away from Santiago de Compostela.

After a 26 hour flight from Sydney I arrived in
Madrid. Flying for the first time after nearly four
years, felt very weird, packed in closely with so many people; no masks; some coughing and sneezing, when we have been trained that other people are the enemy to be avoided. After an overnight stay I was on the early (7.30 a.m.) flight to San Sebastián; actually the flight lands at Irun which is  just at the French border about 30 km away. 
First stop was the Catholic cathedral to pick up my pilgrim credential which is a folding card on which you accumulate unique stamps from each place you stay. At Santiago you present this record; it's checked and if all is in order you are awarded a certificate or Compostela as it is known. This is a much valued document in the Catholic Church and in Spain.
As luck would have it I met the priest, an elderly and obviously gentle man. We had a chat and although I told him I was not religious he said some kind words which amounted to a blessing of sorts. He gave me my credential and put on the first stamp, then sent me on my way and mentioned in particular crossing the mountains from Irun.
It was a rather emotional beginning. Leaving Irun I could see
the mountains ahead. 
They were obscured with mist somewhat but didn’t look too formidable. As I would soon discover the mist was hiding a lot. Long story short, it was a hard slog over those mountains. It was quite wet up there and the pathways were difficult and steep in places. Wet, slippery boulders and mud. After the mountains there was a second set of steep hills to cross before San Sebastián. I set out at 9am and arrived at 5pm. A long day. 
My phone showed over 44 thousand steps for the day. I was feeling
Didn’t do any sightseeing, just got some food and a few
large cervezas and off to bed. Set off at first light about 6.30. The
route goes along the long promenade. 
It was dawn but I hope you can see. The huge hill on the left is a Napoleonic fort. It is a very formidable fortification with earth and stone ramparts and many cannon positions. It was captured by Wellington during the Peninsula wars. By marines, I think. A tough battle. Day two to Zaruatz was also a hilly day though not so long and hard. At the top it was raining so I took my rain jacket from my backpack. I didn’t realise but I must have dropped my water bottle. Although it was cool I was still sweating a lot. After about two hours, needing a drink - I realised itwas gone. After another hour or so I rounded a bend and came upon a collection of farm buildings. At the front was an elderly lady under a canopy offering coffee and biscuits. She spoke some English and explained she was part of a community which ran the farm. She said the coffee was free but I could make a donation if I wished. I had two cups, explaining that I had dropped my bottle several hours ago and was thirsty. She then went into the farmhouse and came out with a bottle of water. She said it was free and would not accept any payment. It is small acts of kindness like that which momentarily rekindle one’s  faith in the human race - at least part of it.
Unfortunately, mr mike's own photos couldn't clear the electronic barriers into my space, so the article is illustrated by images from t'internet. mrs ishmael.
The three volumes of  mr ishmael's Collected Works, selected, edited and anthologised by mr verge, the House Filthster, are now available.  

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack  and Ishmael’s Blues are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

Ishmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps :
please register an account first, at This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box.  Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.
Link for Hardcover :
Link for Paperback :
At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for " voucher code" and see what comes up.  
With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.


Anonymous said...

They must have slipped the Bhanghra dancers in while I was otherwise engaged in the water closet. Thank you for filling the gaps.


mrs ishmael said...

What a shame you missed the dancers, mr verge - I think the older guests at the Abbey were well-padded up to avoid such bathroom issues so they didn't miss a single spectacular, ceremonial, expensive minute of the occasion.

inmate said...

Has there been a coronation? Well I never.

Good luck with the trekking Mr Mike, looks to be a beautiful place.

mrs ishmael said...

Were you on lockdown, mr inmate? What a shame you missed it - especially the ceremonial elephant with gold decorations and velvet and ermine draperies making its stately way down the nave to squirt the King, as a mark of esteem from the Commonwealth and to remind him that he is but a man, and, as such, must return to dung.

inmate said...

Not lockdown mrs. I, self imposed ‘anything’ but this shit. I did watch the late Queen Brenda’s funeral, out of respect for an old lady and I do enjoy the marching servicemen. But Brian n the Archbish changing and omitting the ancient wording, and expecting people to swear allegiance, - IT’S THE MONARCH WHO SWEARS ALLEGIANCE AND SERVICE- FFS, no, I had more important things to do, I bought a tube of Anusol. I helped my son tidy his garden, ready for the Grandchildren’s Christenings, and had a bacon butty with freshly made coffee.

… to remind him that he is but a man, and, as such, must return to dung. He would do well to remember this.

mrs ishmael said...

If you enjoy the marching servicemen, mr inmate, you might like this programme -
It is a documentary about how the uniforms are made and refurbished with the regalia of the new incumbent on the throne. Fascinating stuff, old machines making cloth and stamping out buttons, miles and miles and miles of gold braid.

mongoose said...

Oh, what a party I have missed! Was there cake?

Bon Camino, mr mike!

Johnny said...

Hope the pilgrimage is all you would hope for, Mr Mike. I can imagine that it must be a most uplifting experience.