Sunday 29 August 2021

The Sunday Ishmael 29/08/21


This week, Scotland recorded the highest number of daily Covid cases since the pandemic began - 6,835 infections. The overall rate of new cases is 431.5 per 100,000. Sturgeon  conceded that this constitutes "cause for concern". Scotland's schools  returned after the summer holidays, weeks earlier than in England, and that seems to be the accepted reason for the increase in  cases - nothing to do with sports addiction, travelandtourism, or cruise liners the size of skyscrapers nosing around Scottish waters. 
The Scottish Liberal Democrats have a new leader, Alex Cole-Hamilton, who got the job because he was the only one of them who wanted it, obviously never having heard the phrase "poisoned Chalice".
There's four of them, all crackling with talent, according to ACH, who makes up in enthusiasm for what he lacks in realism. He has found a place on his front bench for Willie Rennie, the former leader, as education spokesman - well, he had to, or there would have been only three of them sharing that bench. Willie 
gave up the top job after he took the LibDem holding in Holyrood   from five to four. The education job was Beatrice Wishart's, who now gets rural affairs and connectivity - well, she's from Shetland, which is a very, very long way away, so far away that it is mind bogglingly distant. And then there's wee Liam, Orkney's finest, who gets to keep his job as justice spokesman and will also be allowed to speak about the climate. Beatrice and Liam, of course, have to commute by aeroplane, otherwise they would spend all their time driving to meetings only to turn around and drive back again, and their contribution to said meetings is, of course, indispensable. ACH will continue to speak on health issues, which he did before becoming leader, and will also be the LibDem's spokesman on the constitution and external affairs. And that's about as far as the four of them can stretch themselves. 
ACH. said he'd had "a busy first week as leader in which I have challenged the Government over their wafer-thin commitment to helping the NHS recover from the pandemic and pushed for a comprehensive Covid inquiry" and assured us that the four of them are:
“crackling with talent and ideas” to inspire voters. 
One on-line commentator was less than reassured. On the 27th August he said: "Comedy gold at it's best. These guys should have their own show. Crackling with talent. And wee Willie gets education? No harm to him but he is an idiot. Cole-Hamilton is a malevolent idiot.When is the inquiry being held into leaks from the Harassment inquiry?"
We might also wonder about the missing £600,000, raised by nationalists to fund an illegal referendum. Apparently, according to the Eye, if individual contributors go to the police, they are quietly being reimbursed their donation from the general fund. Hmmm.
 The BBC has re-arranged matters geographical and political, solving the Scottish and the Northern Irish question in one fell blunder. On the 20th August, during the 5:00pm headlines on Radio Four's P.M. programme, the news-reader announced: “The SNP and the Green party have finalised a power-sharing deal at Stormont which includes commitment to hold a new referendum on Scottish independence in the next five years. In return, two Green MSPs will be appointed junior ministers in Nicola Sturgeon’s government."
Parliament Buildings, Stormont, Belfast
So the dastardly Greens have snuck themselves into a power-sharing agreement. Here they are: the Smug Three:
 Nicola and the two Green co-leaders, Patrick and Lorna. That's right. Two of them. One of each. How outrageous, I hear you cry. That's shocking. No-Platform them. 
What, no trans? Are there no trans politicians? No trans Greens?  Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue, tells us that there are between 200,000 and 500,000 transgender people in the UK - between 0.3% and 0.75% of the population (that sounds like a made-up figure to me - reminiscent of Professor Ferguson's wild variable  of between 100,000 to 200,000 Covid infections if we don't do as we are told). Anyway, it is less than 1% and they seem to have changed academic, intellectual and political life as we used to know it - in other words, they have made an awful lot of noise. But no Green transpoliticians to stand on a crowded platform with Nicola, shrouded - oops - draped with the Saltyre?  Well, make one, then - preferably two. One of each. Immediately. 

Should you be walking along, minding your own business and you become aware of a hellish cacophony of drums, screams and hooters, it is best to avoid the flat-bed truck cruising the streets of Kirkwall, bearing filthy, stinking and drunken persons to a rendezvous with the Merkit Cross, 
to which one of their number is tied, in order to  be pelted with more disgusting stuff of a disgusting nature, before being released, thrown back on the truck and conveyed to the harbour, where the whole party is tipped into the black, oily and freezing water. Great quantities of alcohol are consumed on the truck.
Wiki tells me that the Blackening is a traditional wedding custom performed shortly before a marriage in rural areas of Scotland and Northern Ireland. The bride or groom is captured by their friends, covered in food, treacle and other substances of a smelly and adhesive nature then paraded for the community to see, driven in the back of a truck, accompanied by the banging of pots and pans. I was told that the idea is to show the community that the bride or groom is about to be married and is therefore no longer available. Derision and scorn was poured all over me - a bit like the treacle and urine poured over the groom, when I suggested that surely this, if anything, is a breach of the peace? Breach of the Peace in Scotland is defined as any behaviour likely to put the lieges into a state of fear, alarm, annoyance or upset. Not so, mrs ishmael, you wimp, it is a happy Local Custom. The most famous occurrence, apparently, was performed on Melanie Richmond, who was covered in tripe, pigs blood and feathers before being marched from Elgin to Aberdeen over the course of five days. It has been known for a bride to struggle down the aisle of St Magnus Cathedral in full wedding dress, supported on crutches, having broken a limb falling from the truck into the harbour.
I'm not going to discuss the god-awful Kabul Airlift. I'm sure there will soon be lots of films and Gunny Sergeant Leroy  Jethro Gibbs will be revived to be laconically heroic.
 Pen Farthing's fight to get his 173 rescued cats and dogs out of Kabul has been heart-rending. The Sunday Times, quoting some utter fucking bastard - sorry, senior Whitehall official; predicted that DEFRA will euthanise them, saying that "it will be Geronimo the Alpaca on speed". I'm hoping that former marine Paul Farthing will be better able to protect his animals than has Helen Macdonald, Geronimo's mum. Defence Secretary Ben Wallace has involved himself, greatly to his discredit. The Sunday Times published a message to Wallace's SPAD, Peter Quentin, from
Pen Farthing, saying he would "spend the rest of my time fucking destroying you on social media and every other fucking platform I can find." 
Here's Stanislav on matters dietary, Islamic and Monarchical:
Grand Old Duke of York, Special Representative for International Trade, visits the Middle East  drafted 2/12/2010
 Is not bloody job of idle, golfing prince of pork bloated-up  fucking layabout to argue toss with bloke from Serious fucking Office of  Frauds. Useless prat is out there  to sell JCB tractor and Mars bar and pork pie from Melton Mowbray, only maybe not pork pie, not to angry muslem  bastard - is all fucking angrybastard, innit, muslem bloke, every young muslem bloke stanislav ever meet is like that bloke off seven-seven video, shouty, finger-pointing bastard, need punch in fucking gob and quick rub-down with house brick, is a bit like Jock really, is both cross-dressing, wife-beating degenerate, only Ahmed at least not ginger is -  with bad temper and big sword for head-chopping from English infidel, even if pretend prince is only German and Greek misbegotten inbred fucking  parasite and not proper English bloke in first place, best  forget pork pie and try flogging Gynster Pie and Pasty and Steak Slice, is all bloody rubbish, full up of testicle and foreskin and lips and sawdust and white pepper stuffed in sweepings-up from floor in pastry factory, stroll fucking on, eh, English bloke will eat any old fucking rubbish from garage;  sandwich made in West Bromwich sandwich factory and supply every fucking garage in country with sopping wet sandwich full of mayofuckinaise and extruded fucking chicken rubbish, not even fit for dog,  or maybe  condemned prawn caught around fucking sewer outlets in Irish fucking Sea and good for fuck all is only as fucking fertiliser and is three pounds fucking fifty for this shit, or four,  all made by  members of West Bromwich Asian community with red dot on forehead and spit on every fucking thing and probably diarrhoea has from eating fucking vindaloo curry four times a fucking day and never washing hands but just go in staff toilet next to refrigerator door and spray thin hot brown shitliquid all round toilet bowl and wipe arse with hand - only not eating hand - come out and shove manky sandwich in plastic fucking triangle  for helping fucking bugs breed and get off to head start in stanislav guts with salmofuckinella or some shit like that, load up in bread trays and send all around the country in fleet of  dirty, shitty Transit van for busy executive in Audi to buy in garage and eat in car, listening to Radio fucking Two with Steve Wright:  And now is Bruce Springsteen singing about his baby, in his car, and both poor is but Thank God, they is both Merkins, same song, nearly forty fucking year, is worse than Elton fucking John. No, really, is no shit, Mrs Elton is just ridiculous, fat old poof and  needs piano slamming down on pudgy little fingers and shut bastard up to fuck and happy world get fucking break from Rocket Man and have good few punches in gob, too, and send home to husband on stretcher, Oh shriek, my darling husband, I mean wife, Elton, Oh,  shriek, shriek, I was just showing this young male model the view of our bedroom ceiling, honestly, no, no, he has his cock out because he has a rare medical condition and has to get it out in the air every few minutes.  Otherwise it catches fire,  or something. Oh shriek, shriek, can I get you anything, some cocaine maybe, a bottle or Remy or two.  I know, I am an independent film maker, why don't I make an independent film about you and your recovery?  Oh,  shriek.  Shriek fucking shriek!

 Probably no market in desert is for Gynster West Bromwich Mechanically Reclaimed Meat Pasty and Condemn Prawn with Mayo and dockleaf  sandwich  but hooknose, evil-looking raghead Sheikbastard could feed to English loverboys and girls, instead of caviar and champagne and sheep's  eyeball,  all wash down with cocaine  up nose or maybe up in Jacksie, off gold-plated Cartier bumstraw; Jesus fucking wept, is savage, innit?

Interviewed on skymadeupnewsandfilth, Tottenham MP, Mr David Buffoon,  NewLabour, said it was all unacceptable, totally unacceptable, that he was being made to look like an utter cunt before the world's media. As usual, blustered the useless bastard, it is a majority of people who think I'm a cunt, and the great minority who voted for me and my fellow MPs must have its voice heard. If there is one thing I would say to the people made homeless by these totally unacceptable events it would be Vote for Me, you can be sure that I will hear your concerns and do nothing about them.

Elsewhere in London, the Mayor, Mr BoJo, could not be found, despite a search being made of whorehouses and coke parlours but a statement issued from his office said that the Mayor would find it absolutely unacceptable, all this shit, rioting and stuff, hadn't he single-handedly secured freebikes4all, yes, and the Olympics, what would all the foreigners think of this shit.  I do think that although he has done a fine job that Sir Paul Gob, the Police Commissioner, should consider his position....
What, the blighter's already gone ????   Well his deputy should go, then. Not a moment too soon.  
What???? He's gone too???? Well, some sergeants, they should go.  The policing of the capitol is a very important matter and not to be left to some coked-up,  cock-waving nincompoop.  And another thing, this is all the work of a criminal minority,  bent on undermining the all know what I'm saying, help me out here........gosh, I hear they've been looting shops, don't these people have trust funds for their shopping? Anyway, once my holiday is over you can all be assured that I will give this matter my fullest whatchamaycallit, remember my Bullingdon Club motto,  cogito ergo dumb,  I think but I am an idiot Not to worry, what, just a handful of wogs playing up, a few water cannon'll sort the buggers out. And hopefully people will see my handling of this great city as an example of how I would rule as Prime Bully, I mean minister. Rotten appointments, rotten  police resigning left right and centre and the place up in fucking smoke and me nowhere to be seen.Vote4Boris, what?

A statement from the unelected prime minister's holiday location said that Mr CallHimDave  was keeping in close touch with events in wherever it was, some slum in North London.  This is exactly why I have a cabinet of millionaires, said the worthless, jumped-up fuckpig  and former PR man, to reflect the concerns of the ordinary rioting Briton who hasn't a pot to piss in and my govament taking away what little support there is is a sign of our very great concern that rich people must, simply must, there's no two ways about this, mr deputy speaker, rich people must have more money.

And if the whole fucking country goes up in smoke - only not Chipping Norton or Chequers, obviously - then it will all be as a result of thirteen years of  Labour misrule and nothing to do with me. I must say it's a bit rich that the former prime minister has not come to the House to take responsibility for all my fuck ups but at least the people of Britain will know  that I am doing everything I can to condemn this stuff as being totally unacceptable in a modern democratic police state. And to all the people who have lost their homes and businesses I simply say a heartfelt shutthefuckup, you're just the first of many.

Here on skymadeupnewsandfilth we will be following this story and if possible fomenting more riots up and down the land as part of our attempts to draw the line under all this Murdoch shit. I'm Kay Burley. Stay tuned or I'll bite your face off.

The Sunday Ishmael Cryptic Crossword Clue, courtesy of mr verge -
We picketed dim strike-breaker here for golden wino. (3,6)
stanislav and mr ishmael's essays today are:

Is not bloody job of idle, golfing prince of pork               drafted 2/12/10
Run and Get the Fire Brigade. Politicians on Holiday    drafted 7/8/2011 

Both anthologies of the work  of mr ishmael and Stanislav :  Honest Not Invent and Vent Stack - are available to purchase for mere money at Lulu or Amazon. It is cheaper to buy from Lulu. Register an account with Lulu to save a couple of quid, as going straight into the link provided below seems to make paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own conversion rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow our link; a pop-up box asks for age confirmation - simply set the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and proceed. (If you type the title, the anthology will not appear as a search result until the "show explicit content" box - found at the bottom left by scrolling down - has been checked.  You may also see the age verification box, as above, at this point.) 
 The full title is "Vent Stack love from stanislav" by ishmael smith, and the cover you'll see is red with white titles and a picture of Buster the Previous Blog Dog having a green thought in a green shade. 

Link for the paperback:


shorter link, which might make it easier if you wish to paste it into an email and tell a friend:

 Honest, Not Invent is available in paperback or hardback.
Link for Hard Back :

Link for Paper Back

At checkout, try PROWRITINGAID15, WELCOME15 or TREAT15 in the coupon box, which  takes 15% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for " voucher code" and see what comes up.  
With the 15% voucher, the book (including delivery to a UK address) should cost £10.89


Mike said...

I'm suffering a divide in my psyche: part of me is wanting to witness the final Götterdämmerung of the UK. It will happen - arguably, already has. But I still remember fondly the halcyon days of the 70s and 80s. Is it terminal? Or, can it be saved? I'm not optimistic looking at the intellectual pygmies on the political stage.

Anonymous said...

If you haven't already seen it, mr mike, there's footage of Michael Gove doing an unspeakable impression of a flightless bird road-testing a vibrating butt-plug on various platforms. Simply google "Gove dancing" - the Guardian has it, for one.



mrs ishmael said...

Britain is fucked, mr mike. The situation is beyond parody. The break-up of the United Kingdom is as good as a done deal. With the Green/SNP coalition, we have a majority of nationalists in Holyrood - 71, with the paltriest opposition imaginable - 4 Lib Dems,31 Conservatives, 22 Labour and 1 with no affiliation. A grand total of 58. without the seven Greens, there was something of a chance of Gnasher experiencing the odd set back to her legislative programme, and, importantly, her determination to have an illegal referendum. As for the Greens - as mr ishmael said, for evil to prosper, it only requires for good men to think of their careers.
Why should the break-up of the United Kingdom and the descent into tribalism matter? Well, for all that Scotland has the worst drugandalcohol problem in the world, the worst Covid problem in the UK, a troubling sporting addiction, bone-deep lies about having an excellent education system, preposterous historic grievances against England - well, we always bite the hand that feeds us - despite all this, Scotland has a principled commitment to socialism, welfare, and a drive to level up, not down, its citizenry. It has a more serious and less venal approach to political office (okay, I know, some SNPs excepted), it provides some gravitas in the baying buffoonery of Westminster, and, cliche though it is, Britain is stronger together.
First Scotland, then Wales, then a new Northland state. Southern England and Northern Ireland will enjoy their lonely union.
If you haven't yet seen it, here's Michael, enjoying his solitary, suited, pished Dad Dancing in an Aberdeen disco:

As I said, you couldn't make it up.

Mike said...

I think Gove is just a piss-head, metaphorically, if not literally, pissing on the citizenry.

If you can cast your mind back - a long while - to That Was the Week That Was, there was some gobby young git who sounded off, who reminds me of Gove. I can't find any old footage. Was if him ("he", for the jihadists)? I think so.

mrs ishmael said...

Here's the cast, mr mike:
David Frost Host
Millicent Martin
Kenneth Cope
David Kernan
Bernard Levin
Lance Percival
William Rushton
Roy Kinnear
Timothy Birdsall
Al Mancini
Robert Lang
Do you think your gobby young git could have been Kenneth Cope? I was too young to find the politics particularly interesting, but I thought Millicent Martin, who sang the news of the week, had the voice of a corncrake.

ultrapox said...

given the forever shameful shambles still shooting-hot in kabul, let's just thank god colombian cokeman "skool-cat" gove didn't call upon the karma-conflicted spirits of his kongolese ancestors by pulling out his capoeira-head-spin...

and let us likewise thank the lord that there exists no vomit-precipitating video-evidence of shagger-daddy boris de fickle blowjob famously throwing flamboyantly fat and flabby shapes on the tory-totty-packed dance-floor - in order to impress his then bit-on-the-side at her booze, boob 'n abba fuelled 30th birthday bash.

now, i don't pray much - especially for soldiers who are conducting ill-mannered invasions of other bastards' countries - however, given the ostensibly humanitarian nature of its mission - and from well-before the hot-air-balloon went up - my prayers have quietly been with the extra-time evacuation-detail belatedly ordered back into afghanistan for the highly perilous purpose of securing the hitherto-designated hamid karzai international airport.

ultimately, of course, this devilishly dangerous deployment has proved, for the average afghan civilian, a congruously carnage-engraved coda to the whole bloody airstrike-happy occupation - for not only did us-marines open the politically-shallow shit-show by gunning down two innocent unarmed afghans during the initial airlift-chaos, not only did the american military pen in like some huge heaving herd of hostage-animals those abandoned afghans begging to be rescued, and not only did us-marines bump up afghan civilian casualties of the isis-suicide-bombing by firing indiscriminately into the already targeted crowd of refugees, but then, by way of a viciously virtuosic encore, the revenge-primed directors at the cia-slaughterhouse also succeeded in wiping out with a - maybe deliberately misdirected - drone-attack a household of at least 10 afghans - including 6 children, a member of the occupation-assisting afghan army, and an occupation-assisting translator - who in possession of valid us-visas were preparing to travel to the aerodrome-of-doom in a last ditch attempt to flee their ideologically-hamstrung homeland.

in order to avoid adding this last deadly insult to the immorally inordinate injury of the american-orchestrated afghan apocalypse, why on god's fucking hellfire-razed earth did not the noncing neo-colonial cowards in their whiter-than-white washington-wankhouse admit, from the get-go, that they had in fact formally agreed to hand over power direct to the taliban?

mongoose said...

Bernard Levin was the one you're thinking of mr mike. They have a similar unpleasant air to them. Although Levin had a fine turn of phrase in his journalism days. Gove needs horse-whipping. No personal credit accrues from winning the Darwinian lottery for smarts but Gove does not get this. Horrible little bastard.

That's a tough xword clue, mr v. I shall ponder it.

mrs narcolept said...

The young Bernard Levin had the same elderly-schoolboy demeanour as Michael Gove.

I hope all is as well as it can be in ishmaelia, even in these days of Ruin.

Anonymous said...

Concocted with a particular enthusiasm of yours in mind, mr mongoose, if that helps.


ps "Honest, Not Invent" currently #109 in amazon's Home Improvement Plumbing chart. But still no reviews...

mrs ishmael said...

It is too dreadfully upsetting for words, mr ultrapox. At least the Americans are out of Afghanistan now, the Taliban have been celebrating by firing their guns in the air and they have restored the electricity. The country has been handed back after 20 years of ill-conceived intervention and the US has, we must hope, learned lessons and will adjust their foreign policy.
I think this is what is meant by learned helplessness. We see all this crap and are powerless to do anything about it.

mrs ishmael said...

There must be something wrong with me. I'm feeling sorry for Spit-Gove. There was something so sad about his inept, lonely dancing. It is a very good thing he has no insight, or he'd be feeling deeply embarrassed today.

ultrapox said...

i know, the horror, the horror of it, mrs ishmael; in fact, afghanistan's twenty long years of death, destruction, and multiple-mutilation just pale into utter unaesthetic insignificance beside gove's drunkenly dreadful dance of the little blue penguin - however to be strictly honest, one almost has to suppress a gnawingly libertarian sense of envy at the conniving neo-con cabinet-minister's absolute and absurdly anarchic lack of social self-consciousness...

or should that be conscience?

anyhow, the cunt's culturally degenerate actions constitute a capital-offence in my opinion

geronimo's neo-leninist ghost said...

hear, hear, mr ultrapox:

death to the capitalist penguins

ultrapox said...

given the futile loss of young american life in afghanistan and the fact that the titanic was actually a british liner, i consider president biden's choice of the theme-tune from the movie titanic to have been highly inappropriate for his live harmonica-accompaniment to the us military's withdrawal from kabul...

and whilst in this context i appreciate the general symbolism afforded by this terribly sad song, i nevertheless feel that the correct selection of music for this solemn occasion should evidently have been ennio moricone's soulful morte di un soldato - a deep partial-bodied rioja with clear and pathetic hints of mahler, dvořák and gun-slinging cowboys - which provides the sublimely moving soundtrack to the bridge-scene in the classic western the good, the bad and the ugly.

mrs ishmael said...

Thank you for the links, mr ultrapox - good call with the dance of the little blue penguin.
The disarming thing about the Yanks is that they criticise themselves better than anyone else does. As a dress historian, I loved the trousers - more about late twentieth century fashion, though, than late nineteenth century style - but Clint Eastwood certainly has the legs for it. The cigar smoking is fairly unbelievable, as he sports a full set of tombstone white gnashers. Why do Americans have such big mouths? It has to be genetic rather than the product of dental intervention, as their mouths tend to go from ear to ear. That is not a Western-European genetic inheritance - look at us, for god's sake. We have modest mouths in Western Europe. It has to be a product of miscegenation with the indigenous peoples of North America, surely? Just saying.

Mike said...

Mrs I: If they didn't have such big mouths, well they wouldn't have such big mouths.

ultrapox said...

yes, quite, mrs ishmael...

i dread to imagine what the former firefox-pilot would have to say about all that hi-tech weaponry left lying around in afghanistan for the fundamentalists to play mufti with...

and for the ruskies to go over with a very very fine toothcomb.

oh dear, it's not just a case of blackhawk down this time, but rather blackhawks flown the fuck off completely.

maybe mitchel gant had better go pick up all the pieces over there before a bearded bombardier gets up to some serious mischief?

erm...time for hollywood to get working on a firefux or blackhawk flown sequel, methinks...

but as i believe the concept-novel's already been written - by the late craig thomas - then all mr eastwood need do now is simply shoot the forever-repeating search-and-rescue scenes...

act the cheroot-smoking antihero-lead - in a sullen moody silence...

and finally, compose the oscar-winning film-score...

something a bit downbeat, i would suggest.

fortunately, when our favourite sulky star is forced to go native - disguised as a tousled taliban-fighter - he won't have to worry about accidentally wearing anachronistic trousers...

coz they've bin the same style for well over a thousand years.

ultrapox said...

no, i am inclined to disagree with your genetic analysis of mr eastwood's physiognomy, mrs ishmael, since clint's outsized oral cavity is probably less a result of his forerunners having played cowboys 'n injuns and more a consequence of their having had hanky-panky with big-gobbed exogenous africans.

yes, he's definitely got something of the zulu about him and, as a boogie-woogie-pianist, has reputedly got rhythm to boot.

also, dark rumours have recently abounded that clinton x - the man with no name - is in fact a secret black lives matterer and, not satisfied with dynamiting several jail-houses, has even on occasion threatened to defenestrate the police.

his hair looks a bit frizzy too, frankly

ultrapox said...

with respect to the comment which i entered on 30 august 2021 at 18:59hrs, i now consider that, in the third paragraph, the word "hot-air-balloon" should be replaced simply by "balloon".

since the islamic state was created by the cia, this international insurgency's bombing of afghan refugees and us army-personnel at hamid karzai international airport leaves an extremely bad taste in the mouth.