Sunday 15 November 2020

The Sunday Ishmael: 15/11/2020

 On his show today, Andrew asks the hard questions:

Who are these people and why do they matter?
Answering myself - well, it is so much more satisfactory than listening to  you people, we have:
Lady Macbeth, up in her flat, pounding away on her What'sApp,

Allegra I'maJohnstonTory Stratton
and the lad's club: 
Well, I think I've explained that pretty thoroughly this morning, so now I'll turn to goading former Prime Minister, Mr. Ruiner. Start talking, Mr. Ruiner:
There were 27,000 cases yesterday and 500 deaths and we've got all these Factions:  look what's been happening in Downing Street. There's more factions in this country than there are former prime ministers. North wanting more money against the South wanting cuts. Health libertarians against er, er communitarians. Hard against Soft Brexiteers. Devolution against Centralisation. We need a root and branch constitutional review. And a war on America. Or a War on Europe. We have to choose.
Well, now, Mr Ruiner, how would you save the economy, given that last time you got your hands on the nation's wealth, back in 2008, you burned all the money? 
Thank you, Andrew, the economy, Andrew, is fucked. We're in a recession. Unemployment is high and will be  higher. It has to be paid for. I don't know how. Last time we were in a recession, we tried Austerity. What we need now is Growth, but we're in the middle of a global pandemic. The death count is rising. There is massive debt. It has to be paid for. How do we pay down this massive debt? Fucked if I know.
Well, now, Mr McRuiner, you're Scootisch, wouldn't you like to lead Scotland out of the dark and into the light? Your leader, Sir Keir Starmer, is suggesting that Scotland could have a referendum next year.
It is not a question of Could, Andrew. It is Should. As in Should not. We are in the middle of massive economic damage and a global pandemic. We need healing for our debt-laden world. We don't need a divisive, conflicting referendum, but we could have less of a centralised unitary state. The economy is fuckedy fucked. The death count is rising. The UK is dysfunctional. What we need now is healing. Scotland needs healing. We're doomed, I tell you, doomed.
Thank you, former PrimeMinister Mr. McRuiner, on a sunny morning in Fife, it is a case of After You Claude.
Honest, not invent. He said that. Had to look it up. It was the catch phrase of
the courtly odd-job men Cecil and Claude ("After you, Claude—no, after you, Cecil") in ITMA, a radio show that ran   from 1939 to 1949. How old is Andrew Marr?
I felt quite sorry for the Ruiner in the end. Someone had dressed him up nicely for the camera, got him to memorise the Covid stats,  combed his hair (they've toned down the blue rinse effect, after my last advice to him), neatly tied his tie, instructed him not to pick his nose, masturbate like a monkey and not do the dry-wank jaw drop thing or the clunking fist of doom. He did slip his left hand into his trouser pocket a few times, before he remembered his instructions, and he did do a Tony Blair air thing with his hands,
 but, overall, he looked quite presentable.

But - only quite sorry for him. Really don't want him elder statesmanning around the place, let alone getting his hands on the levers of power in Scotland, even if it is just in the Kingdom of Fife. That's what they call it. Kingdom. Honest, not invent. 

In July, 2008, Gordon Brown  flew in to Tel Aviv on a previously unannounced visit to Israel and the West Bank, his first since taking over as Prime Minister. Fortunately, our roving reporter, stanislav, was there to give us the following exclusive:

 Saturday stanislav, BROWN OVER ISRAEL.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
stanislav, a young polish plumber said... LATE NEWS
  On his fund-raising tour of the Middle East, UK prime minister Gordon ben Brown addressed the Knesset. From The Jerusalem Herald and the Tel Aviv Daily Mirror.(ed. Toilets Maguirestein)

"My fellow Hebes and motherfuckers, as a son of the Scotc
h synagogue I say to you Shalom and thank you all for inviting me to preach in your parliament and borrow some money.
You have always been most accommodating in this area, especially in the Twelfth century back home in York, although I believe there was a bit of a communication difficulty in the easy repayments plan.
If Labour had been in charge then I would of course have taken the Hebe moneylenders into public ownership and only driven them into the sea as a very last resort - or if they refused a reasonable offer of work, down at the job centre, as we are now proposing to do in our own Final Solution.
The poor and the workshy deny lebensraum to the very hard-working and relatively poorly-paid wealth creators in the banks, the Party and the non tax-paying Russian underworld.
It is my policy, which I am sure you will all support, that we have eine Reich, eine Volk in which the poor, if they can no longer work for the rich or pay taxes, become worthless, so into the sea they must go; it is what we in the Party call compassionate Nazism. A bit like you with the neighbours up in Lebanon.
Y'know, when I was a wee boy my father was a Scotch Rabbi and so I am very much a Hebe motherfucker myself. And proud of it, only not in Palestine of course. Or South America. And I scarcely mention it with Frau Merkel. Not that I have anything to do with Germans.
In Scotland we didn't have the windows broken and the Swastika daubed on the walls thing but apart from that it was all quite Yiddish. Only we call it Presbyterianish. And instead of chicken soup our mommas made us nutritious and tasty chocolate bars fried in batter, a bit like Gefelte Fish. Only quite different.
There is no God but God and Mohammed is his prophet, as our Muslim friends say, not that we have any Muslim friends making oil in Saudi Arabia. And yes, my fellow Hebe motherfuckers, I do solemnly commit my armed forces to going in there in Iran or wherever, in their rusty old LandRovers; I mean, of course, trusty old LandRovers just as soon as a) you give me some money, only not through Mr Abrahams this time and b) we borrow some ammunition off Uncle Sam.
This offer of course depends on enough of them surviving the best efforts of the schwartzer goyim untermenschen in Afghanistan and them all not coming home in tastefully flag-draped coffins and sombre music to Brize Norton and giving me an arseache in the fucking coroner's office.

As a way of recognising my own Hebeness and the very great debt we shall all owe you once you give me the money I propose to bring into government, alongside Obedience minister, Mr Jack Torture, the right honourable member for Tel Aviv, Mr Gerald Boys-Kauffman and the noble Lord Janner-Holocaust.

And if it moves the deal along a bit we could have a Holocaust Day not just once a year but once a week, maybe sing: On the Twelve Holocaust Days of Christmas, my true love (Ed Balls) sent to me.....etc or even hold it daily, along with the citizenship obedience prayer.

In fact I could re-name the whole fucking country Holocaust Island, make everybody wear skullcaps and eat anchovy sandwiches on that shit famine bread you like so much.
It is the run up to the Olympic Games, just now, and people all over the world ask me about the security implications, might terrorists take hostages and even kill them? Right load of bollocks is what I say, such a thing would never happen. It's like saying there will be a return to Tory boom and bust which there won't be even though there is. And in England, anyway, we can rely upon the Chinese Secret Service, who have allowed me to put them in charge of the Metropolitan police, under, of course, our magnificently uniformed Commissionaire, Sir Iain Bendover and our security minister, Admiral Lord Liberace-West and just for once, lets never mind what it says in the Good Book about sodomites and fire and fucking brimstone; if you fucking please, some, even most, perhaps all of my best friends are arse burglars.
The former Chief Rabbi of the Northern Ireland Hebes, Archbishop Professor the Right Reverend Lord ben Paisley of Shankill Road ButchersRus, has recently resigned his office; with his many doctorates - all of them properly purchased and invoiced from the University of eBay - and his own private synagogue, his most sticky-fingered Reverence Doctor Iain and his son, Dr Iain the Second, have shown the Ulster Hebes how to do business in a modern plutocracy and we shall not look on his like again, Oi vay, although his fellow architect of Peace Through Torture, Mr Martin Kneecaps does have an engaging twinkle in his roguish eye and I am sure a few of us here wouldn't mind getting tied-up with him. My prudent stewardship of the UK economy - burning all the money- has set us fair for weathering the shitstorm which I have created. I have instructed the British people to both borrow and spend like there's no tomorrow and, at the same time, save every penny because there is an all too real tomorrow in which they will all have no pensions, not from the state, because I have aforementionedly, Mr Deputy Rabbi, burned all the money and not from the private sector because the directors have used all that money to pay themselves bonuses in order to attract the right kind of people.

A simple, prudent strategy, inflate the only asset which people have, encourage them to borrow and spend it in the High Street creating a false boom and when the artificially high value of the asset deflates, everybody gets fucked up the Khyber. It's called my no more boom and bust strategy and it has worked very well. Up until now.
My prudence will also have the effect of stimulating the pawnbroking sector of the economy, probably the only sector I have not single-handedly abolished.

What about the future, people ask. Well, my Hebe motherfucking brethren in Christ, as a way of burning any future money that people don't yet have their hands on. I have prudently written massive sums of future PFI debt down in the back of my rough book, where no-one can see them. This means that they won't have to be paid back until long after I am dead and up in Heaven with my father and all the other Rabbis.
It just goes to show that we in the UK have worked out how to deal not only with the economy, which is why I am here with the begging bowl, but also with with the terrorist threat, you just let 'em all out of jail and put them in government, whilst simultaneously prudently burning all the money.

You can still learn a lot from us, even though you have bought the Labour Party outright, just think how much better and more inclusive it would have been if instead of executing Mr Eichmann you had made him deputy prime minister, like we do. Murdering psychobastards can make surprisingly effective political campaigners. As I don't need to remind you.
I look forward to a positive response to our loan application and assure you that your money, like ours, will soon go up in smoke and you will never be troubled by seeing it again. But then you're used to that.
I will close now, my fellow Hebe motherfuckers, with an old Yiddish song we used to sing at Highland Bar Mitvahs:

Al-laaahhh Akhbar, Al-laaahhh Akhbar, Bismillah, No we will not let them go, not for forty-two days, No no no no no no no, All the lassies say Och, Aye, Donald where's yer foreskin ?

Thank you, thank you, no business like showbusiness. Cheques or cash will do. But preferably cash. Thank you. Shalom! Heil Hitler! And have a negilah day."

 And, a couple of years later, out of office, his party ousted from power, replaced by the Bullingdon Boys:

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Where is his fusilade of tractor statistics, his towering intellect, his metronoming Claw of Doom punctuating each flight of bumptious, bullyboy doggerel;  where is his incisive, hot-housed mind, his grasp of detail, his complete mastery, as they call it - the reptiles at skymadeupnewsandfilth - of his brief; where is his Prudence, now;  where is his promised fighting for his party, for the poor and the sick, where is his snotty, raging tumult of I-Know-Bestisms?

Why was he not present as the SpivULikes,  all dressed-up in their SpivUlike suits and ties and SpivULike haircuts, a credit to their SpivULike public schools, trashed not only his history but that of so many wicked enough to work in the public sector,  scorned their miserable contribution to the nation, as though the dinner lady and the probation officer wrote all these mad instruments of greed - or the Credit Crunch, as SpivULike criminality is helpfully described - as though the streetsweeper himself artificially inflated the value of his home and, as for that bloke in the library, well, what a liberty, what do people want with books, now they've got porn?

Chancellor Gideon Spiv got in one of what will be many neo-Nazi jibes, as the poor become nigger, become Jew, become the enemy within  - as you walk off to work, he said,  past the drawn blinds of your sleeping benefits-dependant neighbour..... etc - but of Poverty's Champion there was no sign; the Slayer of Boom and Bust had no platform, no word of rebuttal,  as  war was declared on the weak; all his works, for which, for so long, there was cross-party agreement, were dragged in the shit and he did not lift a finger towards their extrication. So feeble was the Opposition response to the budget that it may as well have been delivered by carrier pigeon but Brown's absence, his failure to comment,  draped the Opposition benches in  shame, their unelected leader relieving himself of any responsibility whatsoever for defending his policies and - and here's the rub -  by his cowardice reinforcing the SpivULike govament's Year Zero wholesale revision of recent history, the one which makes clear that actually it wasn't the bankers' fault, or the civil servants' fault, or the economists' fault or the journalists' fault and fuck me, it wasn't the politicians' fault - the expenses crime unpunished, scapegoated off to an ill-connected minority;  no, it was all the fault of the untermenschen; all the real culprits remain in position, pampered and pensioned,  the same crooks still running Wall Street and the City,  the think tanks of the New Blitzkrieg peopled by those who wrought Ruin for so many.

Despite his awfulness, a little courage from Mr Snot might have redeemed him somewhat in History's chill gaze and most importantly might have challenged the smooth hypocrisy of the Coalition of the Unwholesome - two down, the simpering dwarf Laws and the virtuous hypocrite, Huhne -  as it set about rabble-rousing,  vandalising the lives of millions. If he was so confident of his shit six weeks ago, why was here not there to defend it?

The concert group of NewLabour, Blair, Mandelstein and that prick, wotsisname, Campbell, have escaped, filthy rich and unscathed; to Brown, virtually alone,  falls the disgrace, the obliquoy, the scandal and to judge by recent events - his only sighting being his sermonising a bunch  of, as usual, defenceless schoolchildren.
Rather than standing up to a bit of parliamentary ragging and some beasting by skymadeupnewsandfilth Brown quits the field, defeated, decried and despised.  Here was a moment, an opportunity he didn't really deserve to redeem if not his lunatic conduct at least his moral fibre; rotten, cowardly bully, he bottled it, his record one of Ruin, his legacy the rise of SpivULike. Again.
The essays from the draft archive today have been:
BROWN OVER ISRAEL  drafted   Tuesday, July 22, 2008
 If you would like to read more from stanislav and mr ishmael, the anthology of essays by stanislav and ishmael is available from   and it is now listed by both Blackwells and the Book Depository
To buy a copy:
please register an account with Lulu first.  This will save you a couple of quid, as going straight into the links provided below seems to make paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own conversion rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer.  Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Honest, Not Invent" into the Lulu Bookstore search box.  If you follow a link, a pop-up box asks for age confirmation - simply set the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and proceed.  If you type the title, the anthology will not appear as a search result until the "show explicit content" box (found at the bottom left by scrolling down) has been checked.  You may also see the age verification box, as above, at this point.
Honest, Not Invent is available in paperback or hardback.
Link for Hard Back : 
Link for Paper Back : 
At checkout, try  WINTER30 in the coupon box, which takes 30% off the price before postage.  If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for " voucher code" and see what comes up.  With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £14.35; HB £23.74.


Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does the second (headshot only) photograph of Bruin look a bit like George Bush? GB to GB. The mind shudders and withdraws.


mrs ishmael said...

Thank you, mr verge - he seems to be evolving into a Mekon, but, hey, we're not lookist here. GB also could stand for Grumpy Baby. Just saying.

Mike said...

Brown is looking ill - dead man walking. Ditto Blair. Boris isn't looking to chipper either.

mrs ishmael said...

It is because they are old, mr mike. We are governed by old men. Expensively suited and groomed, but a long, long way past the first flush of youth, or even middle-age.
Gordon Brown, born 20th February 1951, will hit his 3 score years and ten in 3 months' time.
Tony Blair, born 6th May 1953, is only a couple of years younger.
Boris is the youngest, born 19th June 1964, a mere 56. He's the only one of the trio not to have achieved their state pensions. His partner, Carrie (Lady)Macbeth, was born on the 17th March 1988, making her 24 years younger than Boris. Their son, Wilfred, was born on the 2nd May this year. Maybe that's why he's looking rough. That, and a very serious encounter with Covid, requiring intensive care. Now he's isolating again, having been in contact with a Covid-carrier.
Actually, for old blokes, they don't look too bad. Nothing that the blood of a few virgins couldn't sort out, and age is no insuperable hurdle in the race to power- look at Sleepy Joe.
"Old age and treachery will always beat youth and exuberance". David Mamet

mongoose said...

Crikey. McDoom was a proper horror show, wasn't he? How well we remember when he announced that he had saved the world entire. And there was always soemthing wrong with his hair. What's going on there?

If BoJo has now had a negative cv-19 test anyway, why is he still in custody? It makes no sense.

Mike said...

He's hiding Mr mongoose, same as Brown at Lisbon. He can't make a decision now Brexit reaches its B-day.

mongoose said...

I see that we are about to dance the Covid Waltz regarding the negotiations, mr mike. A "necessary" extension. "In the circumstances"... And the band played on.

Bungalow Bill said...

A blizzard of lies is what we're in, a cold fiction, and all will be frozen soon, just like in the book. Winter is icumen in and spring is nowhere to be found. Unless, of course, the happydermic makes everything warm and good again.

No, indeed.