On his show today, Andrew asks the hard questions:
But - only quite sorry for him. Really don't want him elder statesmanning around the place, let alone getting his hands on the levers of power in Scotland, even if it is just in the Kingdom of Fife. That's what they call it. Kingdom. Honest, not invent.
"My fellow Hebes and motherfuckers, as a son of the Scotch synagogue I say to you Shalom and thank you all for inviting me to preach in your parliament and borrow some money.
You have always been most accommodating in this area, especially in the Twelfth century back home in York, although I believe there was a bit of a communication difficulty in the easy repayments plan.
If Labour had been in charge then I would of course have taken the Hebe moneylenders into public ownership and only driven them into the sea as a very last resort - or if they refused a reasonable offer of work, down at the job centre, as we are now proposing to do in our own Final Solution.
The poor and the workshy deny lebensraum to the very hard-working and relatively poorly-paid wealth creators in the banks, the Party and the non tax-paying Russian underworld.
It is my policy, which I am sure you will all support, that we have eine Reich, eine Volk in which the poor, if they can no longer work for the rich or pay taxes, become worthless, so into the sea they must go; it is what we in the Party call compassionate Nazism. A bit like you with the neighbours up in Lebanon.
Y'know, when I was a wee boy my father was a Scotch Rabbi and so I am very much a Hebe motherfucker myself. And proud of it, only not in Palestine of course. Or South America. And I scarcely mention it with Frau Merkel. Not that I have anything to do with Germans.
In Scotland we didn't have the windows broken and the Swastika daubed on the walls thing but apart from that it was all quite Yiddish. Only we call it Presbyterianish. And instead of chicken soup our mommas made us nutritious and tasty chocolate bars fried in batter, a bit like Gefelte Fish. Only quite different.
There is no God but God and Mohammed is his prophet, as our Muslim friends say, not that we have any Muslim friends making oil in Saudi Arabia. And yes, my fellow Hebe motherfuckers, I do solemnly commit my armed forces to going in there in Iran or wherever, in their rusty old LandRovers; I mean, of course, trusty old LandRovers just as soon as a) you give me some money, only not through Mr Abrahams this time and b) we borrow some ammunition off Uncle Sam.
As a way of recognising my own Hebeness and the very great debt we shall all owe you once you give me the money I propose to bring into government, alongside Obedience minister, Mr Jack Torture, the right honourable member for Tel Aviv, Mr Gerald Boys-Kauffman and the noble Lord Janner-Holocaust.
And if it moves the deal along a bit we could have a Holocaust Day not just once a year but once a week, maybe sing: On the Twelve Holocaust Days of Christmas, my true love (Ed Balls) sent to me.....etc or even hold it daily, along with the citizenship obedience prayer.
In fact I could re-name the whole fucking country Holocaust Island, make everybody wear skullcaps and eat anchovy sandwiches on that shit famine bread you like so much.
It is the run up to the Olympic Games, just now, and people all over the world ask me about the security implications, might terrorists take hostages and even kill them? Right load of bollocks is what I say, such a thing would never happen. It's like saying there will be a return to Tory boom and bust which there won't be even though there is. And in England, anyway, we can rely upon the Chinese Secret Service, who have allowed me to put them in charge of the Metropolitan police, under, of course, our magnificently uniformed Commissionaire, Sir Iain Bendover and our security minister, Admiral Lord Liberace-West and just for once, lets never mind what it says in the Good Book about sodomites and fire and fucking brimstone; if you fucking please, some, even most, perhaps all of my best friends are arse burglars.
A simple, prudent strategy, inflate the only asset which people have, encourage them to borrow and spend it in the High Street creating a false boom and when the artificially high value of the asset deflates, everybody gets fucked up the Khyber. It's called my no more boom and bust strategy and it has worked very well. Up until now.
My prudence will also have the effect of stimulating the pawnbroking sector of the economy, probably the only sector I have not single-handedly abolished.
What about the future, people ask. Well, my Hebe motherfucking brethren in Christ, as a way of burning any future money that people don't yet have their hands on. I have prudently written massive sums of future PFI debt down in the back of my rough book, where no-one can see them. This means that they won't have to be paid back until long after I am dead and up in Heaven with my father and all the other Rabbis.
It just goes to show that we in the UK have worked out how to deal not only with the economy, which is why I am here with the begging bowl, but also with with the terrorist threat, you just let 'em all out of jail and put them in government, whilst simultaneously prudently burning all the money.
You can still learn a lot from us, even though you have bought the Labour Party outright, just think how much better and more inclusive it would have been if instead of executing Mr Eichmann you had made him deputy prime minister, like we do. Murdering psychobastards can make surprisingly effective political campaigners. As I don't need to remind you.
I look forward to a positive response to our loan application and assure you that your money, like ours, will soon go up in smoke and you will never be troubled by seeing it again. But then you're used to that.
I will close now, my fellow Hebe motherfuckers, with an old Yiddish song we used to sing at Highland Bar Mitvahs:
Al-laaahhh Akhbar, Al-laaahhh Akhbar, Bismillah, No we will not let them go, not for forty-two days, No no no no no no no, All the lassies say Och, Aye, Donald where's yer foreskin ?
Thank you, thank you, no business like showbusiness. Cheques or cash will do. But preferably cash. Thank you. Shalom! Heil Hitler! And have a negilah day."
And, a couple of years later, out of office, his party ousted from power, replaced by the Bullingdon Boys:
Chancellor Gideon Spiv got in one of what will be many neo-Nazi jibes, as the poor become nigger, become Jew, become the enemy within - as you walk off to work, he said, past the drawn blinds of your sleeping benefits-dependant neighbour..... etc - but of Poverty's Champion there was no sign; the Slayer of Boom and Bust had no platform, no word of rebuttal, as war was declared on the weak; all his works, for which, for so long, there was cross-party agreement, were dragged in the shit and he did not lift a finger towards their extrication. So feeble was the Opposition response to the budget that it may as well have been delivered by carrier pigeon but Brown's absence, his failure to comment, draped the Opposition benches in shame, their unelected leader relieving himself of any responsibility whatsoever for defending his policies and - and here's the rub - by his cowardice reinforcing the SpivULike govament's Year Zero wholesale revision of recent history, the one which makes clear that actually it wasn't the bankers' fault, or the civil servants' fault, or the economists' fault or the journalists' fault and fuck me, it wasn't the politicians' fault - the expenses crime unpunished, scapegoated off to an ill-connected minority; no, it was all the fault of the untermenschen; all the real culprits remain in position, pampered and pensioned, the same crooks still running Wall Street and the City, the think tanks of the New Blitzkrieg peopled by those who wrought Ruin for so many.
Despite his awfulness, a little courage from Mr Snot might have redeemed him somewhat in History's chill gaze and most importantly might have challenged the smooth hypocrisy of the Coalition of the Unwholesome - two down, the simpering dwarf Laws and the virtuous hypocrite, Huhne - as it set about rabble-rousing, vandalising the lives of millions. If he was so confident of his shit six weeks ago, why was here not there to defend it?
The concert group of NewLabour, Blair, Mandelstein and that prick, wotsisname, Campbell, have escaped, filthy rich and unscathed; to Brown, virtually alone, falls the disgrace, the obliquoy, the scandal and to judge by recent events - his only sighting being his sermonising a bunch of, as usual, defenceless schoolchildren.