A cunning SNP plot to defeat England by infecting its inhabitants from the Border to Westminster and back again has come to light today.
Questioned on Radio Scotland today, the SNP whip denied any involvement.
No, I dinna know where the SNP members are at any time. Okay, I'm supposed to be whipping them, but it doesna involve laying hands on the damn wee devils. I'm responsible, d'ye ken? I travel tae Westminster, whilst socially distancin', eatin ma pies and growlin' at people to keep them awa', hen, get into ma office an' keep ma heed down.