A Darkie? In the Bushes?

From Mr Ishmael's drafts from September 2015.

A darkie? In the bushes?

I daresay you're right, your worship, I'll fetch your twelve-bore.

And now some Beethoven, an 'oo doesn't like a bit of Beethoven?  Y'know, when I were a little lad, in Barnsley, preparin' fer me career as a television gardening polymath and novelist, I used to walk around our garden singin' Beet'oven's 'Allelulia Chorus at the top  of me little lungs, and now, 'ere I am, in the Royal Albert Hall, sharing what I know with others less educated than what I am.

Good morning and welcome to Sky Sunrise, with me, Mrs Holmeses wee son, Eamon, skymadeupnewsandfilth's answer to Alan Titmarsh, the housewives' favourite gardener - boyish and cheeky and just a wee bit dangerous, in a Pringle pullover kind of way. Although you won't catch me introducing the Proms, or crawling up Prince Brian's arse;  Eurovision, now, or Strictly, that's more my style.  More wee Alan's, too, if only somebody had a told the wee man. And with me this morning, around the news desk, to discuss the big stories that you care about, are Sally Tits and Jayne Tits. But first, the business news with our business editor, Imogen Tits, that's after this break.  Make sure and see that yous don't go away, now........

Welcome back and the big story is that skymadeupnewsandfilth can  exclusively reveal that Jerry or Jeremy as he insists on calling himself Corbyn may have  agreed to be the support act for Madonna.  That's right, viewers, you heard it here first.  This is the significant official rumour that  the left-wing, anti-monarchist, terrorist-supporting leader of the Labour party, who couldn't even - and I had trouble believing this myself, so I did - who couldn't even be bothered even to mouth the words of our National Anthem, and  this at a memorial service for those who gave their lives for him, yes, that Jeremy Corbyn,  the one who'd give all your pensions to his paymasters in Russia, that Jeremy Corbyn is to open for the geriatric Princess of PornoPop when she appears at London's O2, later this year.

Rebel Heart, Madge's tour is called, so it is,  and she could have told Sky's entertainment  correspondent, Rosie Tits,   that since she and JC are both rebels and both in their sixties that it'd be really cool if they appear together and maybe adopt a baby or two, from, like Africa or Brazil, wherever. 

In other news, British car manufacturers are warning that Corbyn as prime minister could destroy thousands of car industry jobs , with him being a bicyclist and everything.

Yes, Eamonn, and this just in from the National Federation of Master Butchers, Slaughtermen and Offal Processors:  Corbyn A Menace To British Way Of Life. 

Seems, Eamonn, that butchers and slaughtermen are warning that while they think it's OK for a number of people to be vegetarian, those considering it in future should be imprisoned for long periods.  Here's their chairman, It's unBritish, vegetarianism, after all.  how would we have won the war against the Nazis if the British working man hadna had his Roast Beef'n'Yorkshire for his dinner every day.   I mean, you can't fight a flippin' war on lentils, can you?

That was Morris RedFace, there,  of Butchers Against Corbyn.