Friday 26 February 2016


Good evening,  this is Channel Four News, 
with me, Jon Sox

and me, Cathy Shout,

I'm a feminist, me.

and me, Harry Krishna Murthy, 

Krishnan, with his fellow thinkers on the  8 Out Of 10 Cats show.

Yeah, it's me, Krish, off those kiddy panel shows; 'spart of my religion, making a cunt of myself for a few quid, going on those dreadful, sneering, lad shows which piss on everything, ever, especially the women guests, for a cheap laugh and pretending to be cool and post-ironic about it, even though it's shit. And everybody on it is a cunt. Especially that Sarah Millican. I'm very devout about practising my ancient faith. But contemporary with it. And I think it demonstrates the breadth of  my journalistic wotsaname, going on a  Cruelty TeeVee cunt show.

But mainly it's with me, Soxy, the Sir Keef Richard of broadcast noos, been here forever, one foot in the grave but never gonna stop noos-boogyin'. 


Y'know, viewers, how Sir Keef's a Blues man, the blues is his gig, well, I'm a Noos man, the noos is my gig, dude. I don't just read the noos, I inhabit them;
shit, man, in a very real sense, 
I own the noos gig; 

I am the fucking Noos.

Me, with the sacred noos herb.
I don't like it. But I smoked it for you.
Because that's my gig

 And not just the Noos, 

I'm a winner, I'm a trustee, a patron, a governor of so many things, all of them immensely, worthily right-on that I couldn't even list them, never mind do anything for them. 

"Scoop" Sox's List Of Worthy Stuff.

But Hey, that's how it is when you're famous, 
people just want you to be associated with them. 

And let's face it, who doesn't want their name on as many letterheads as possible.
But my main thing, man, my specialist subject,
 is Washington, 

I just love those  Presidential cats, and their bitches, Michelle Obama, she's one foxy ho'. Is it ho'? 'Who? No matter, she can really boot that shakey.  

And she's a person of non-white-European  epidermal pigmentation.  And I dig that, in a broad.
 I just love the power thing, too, with the presidents, and their hair, and teeth. And those big fuck-off armoured limos. And all the Secret Service guys, not thatnthey're up to much
I've been the same since I fell in love with President Kennedy. And I especially love President  Obama, I mean, a black man, in the White House, how so cool is that? 
Whaddayanean, that's racist?
I don't have a racist sock or necktie in my whole dressing room.  And I, myself, the greatest living Noos-Dude, I  live with a person of non-Romano-British indigenous epidermal pigmentation domestic life partner.
 That's how so not racist I am.
And Channel 4 News always has a token women and  a token person of wotsaname, that pigment thing, the mission statement.  A token transgender? In twin-suit and high-heels and Adam's Apple and five o'clock stubble? Over my fucking dead body. 

Yeah, and mine, over my dead body, too.
I mean, I might be a feminist but there's only room for one pussy on this show. A proper one, not an inside-out scrotum.  Fuck all that diversity shit. A pussy's a pussy, right? 
You hear what I'm sayin'?

Thanks, Cathy. 
And here's some cool American shit I'm gonna lay on you, tonight. Speaking exclusively to me, Jon Sox, aka Channel Four News, American presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, has asked me to state that It wasn't the Donald, 

had Marilyn Monroe killed, 

it wasn't the Donald,

 made deals with the Mob,
 through  Frank Sinatra,
 to get the unions' votes; 

Tina Sinatra: Mob Ties Aided JFK

Daughter Says Joe Kennedy Asked Singer To Enlist Sam Giancana

Legendary crooner Frank Sinatra served as a liaison between John F. Kennedy's 1960 campaign for president and mobster Sam Giancana in a scheme to use Mafia muscle to deliver union votes, Sinatra's daughter tells 60 Minutes.

The late singer's youngest daughter, Tina, also describes her father's final years and his work for the Central Intelligence Agency. The interview will be rebroadcast on Dec. 31.

Tina Sinatra, 52, says her father told her that Kennedy patriarch Joseph P. Kennedy wanted the Mafia's help in delivering the union vote in the 1960 West Virginia primary, in which John Kennedy, then a U.S. senator, faced Sen. Hubert Humphrey of Minnesota. The elder Kennedy asked Frank Sinatra to make a request to then-Chicago crime boss Sam Giancana.

Sinatra was approached "because (Kennedy) knew dad had access to Sam Giancana," Tina said.

  wasn't the Donald who habitually humiliated his wife, from Day One, 


Hell hath no fury like a First Lady scorned.

If someone told me that Jackie Kennedy had the cock-waving sonofafuckingbitch killed, I'd have to give it some thought.

and the Donald's father, Donald senior, never urged America to abandon you Limeys and join-in with Hitler. 

Joseph Kennedy also argued strongly against giving military and economic aid to the United Kingdom. "Democracy is finished in England. It may be here," he stated in the Boston Sunday Globe of November 10, 1940. With Nazi German troops having overrun Poland, Denmark, Norway, Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, and France, and with bombs falling daily on Great Britain, Kennedy unambiguously and repeatedly stated his belief that this war was not about saving democracy from National Socialism (Nazism) or from Fascism. In an interview with two newspaper journalists, Louis M. Lyons, of The Boston Globe, and Ralph Coghlan, of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Kennedy said:

It's all a question of what we do with the next six months. The whole reason for aiding England is to give us time ... As long as she is in there, we have time to prepare. It isn't that [Britain is] fighting for democracy. That's the bunk. She's fighting for self-preservation, just as we will if it comes to us..... I know more about the European situation than anybody else, and it's up to me to see that the country gets it.[6]

The Dead Kennedys

No, sir, none a that shit was down to the Donald. And it wasn't the Donald, who, after bangin' the  ass off her,


 drunk-drove poor Mary-Jo Kopechny offa Chappaquidick Bridge, leaving her to drown, 

while he fled the scene, 
to save his fat, cowardly, pseudo-patrician arse and to escape the cops.
It's a Democrat thing, that, old men fucking youngsters,and then shittin' on them, or in Ted's case, killing them.

Wasn't the Donald gave ole Teddy a Limey knighthood  

Sir Teddy, I set my moral compass by your shining star. 
It is the right sol-you-shun for the country

Thank you kindly, Snotty; say, do you have any nieces, about eighteen, or a bit younger?

Oh, Sir Teddy, it is a tragedy for humanity that you were never president,  that the world never knew your va-a-a-ahlewes.
But I did, and so, together, we can claim to have saved the world.

Snotty idolised Ted Kennedy, says all that needs saying about his skewed morality.
Nor was it the Donald killed three million slopes in Indo-China 

dropping more HE, napalm and chemical poison shit on Vietnam and Cambodia than were ever dropped on Hitler and the Hermanns.

No, Sir, The Donald didn't do 
any of that conventional politician stuff.

Lissen, if you vant to vin ze Nobel Peace Prize
you haff to kill anything zat moves. 

Kill anything zat moves.
Zat's ze German-American way.

Quite the White House Nazi, Kissinger; one of them.

Testifying before the Senate in 1971 John NewFace discussed the atrocities unearthed in the Winter Soldier investigation, where over 150 veterans testified to war crimes committed in Southeast Asia.
JOHN KERRY: They told the stories of times that they had personally raped, cut off the ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam in addition to the normal ravage of war and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied bombing power of this country.
And the Donald never abused a young volunteer, young enough to be his daughter, lie to the world about it, and set the govament on her ass.

like the rotten, cowardly, kiddy-fucking,  drug addict, international gangster that  he is.

Wasn't the Donald presided over that bizarre 9/11 shit.
All them Enron papers going down in impossible free-fall  after a fire in a wastepaper basket. How'd that shit happen again?

The Donald woodena dared show his face in Manhattan after that  carry-on,

You got any coke, son, for the president?

never mind start a fucking war on the wrong people 

cos he was owned body and soul by the right people,
the ones he shoulda gone to war on.

Wasn't the Donald left all them poor black folks to drown their fat asses, 
way down yonder in New Orleans.

Dubya's Homeland Legacy

only showin' up when it's too late 

I mean, Mr Sox - mind if I call you Soxy? You can call me Mr President - I mean, here's a fucking half-wit, alcoholic, wife-beating coke-fiend, who gets confused looking at his watch, 

And the long finger, that's those minute things we was talkin' about?
Yessir, Mr President.

he's stupid, he's unbelieveably incompetent, he's a coward,

 he's violent, corrupt, he killed millions
  of people, kidnapped and torured more, he kicked off World War Three, gave all the nation's money to his handlers


  and ran the US economy not just into the fucking ground but buried it miles down, where the Sun's never gonna shine.
And he was elected at least once.
And now you news folks is telling the Donald that he ain't fit to be president?

And how's abouit them other sonsafuckinbitches? Fuckin' dumbass salutin' all over the place, even though they shouldn't and as commanders in chief they should fuckin' well know that they shouldn't, that it debases the customs and honours of the armed forces, what about them, worthless cocksuckers?

 Before President CustardBrain took office, the national debt was just under $1 trillion, he tripled it. He oversaw the  Iran-Contra scandal, launched the dumbass War on Drugs, fucked all over Latin America and put his wife's astrologists in charge of foreign policy.

 By the time President Spunky Bill 

left the White House, the debt reached $5.6 trillion.
Mind you, him and his bitch, tripling the prison population, that didn't help.

 Eight years later, post-Dubya,

My dog'd salute you, too, soldier, only he's from Texas.

the debt had almost doubled. 

And today, under President Yes,WeCan't, 

it stands at nearly $20 trillion.

Gotta be a bit smart about this, Soxy, as to whether you look at the actual increase in dollar terms, or at  the precentage increase, where Dopey Ron is way out in front, But any way you look at it, you lose, as a taxpayer. 

This, here, Soxy, visually represents twenty  trillion dollars, 

in hundred dollar bills,
imagine the interest on that motherfucker.

 But the headline figure of $20 trillion gleefully omits any future history,
where the actual fiscal gap figure is mind-boggling, incomprehensible, for the total future gap between tax income and projected spending,  taken forward, in an ageing, demanding  population, promised, set in stone, and including defence, is $211 trillion.  It's all like your Limey Alice in Wonderland, Washington and Wall Street. They'll burn your ass for a hundred dollar payday loan but just borrow trillions into existence to pay themselves bonuses.

And that's why, after the Great Financial Readjustment, necessary because citizens took advantage of soft-hearted bankers, the White House had to fill itself up with senior employees of Goldman Sachs and JP fucking Morgan, 

to make sure the place was run right.

This, above, though an incomplete portrayal,  if you don't know about it, is worth  enlarging. The perpetrators of the Crash unpunished  and put in government.

Obama, yeah, like taking candy from a baby. 

He can sing a bit, though, 


and move, 


 great sensa rythmn, those folks

and he loves showbusiness

  Maybe we'll give him his own show, when we're through with him. Only not on Fox

Other Noteworthy GS Global Appointees

as at 2006

Mark Carney: Current Title: Governor, Bank of Canada. Former Goldman Sachs Title: Managing Director Goldman Sachs Canada until 2003.
Mario Draghi: Current Title: Governor of the Bank of Italy (2006-). Former Goldman Sachs Title: European Deputy Chairman/Partner until 2006.

Edward Liddy: Current Title: AIG CEO. Former Goldman Sachs Title: Board Member (Chairman 1990-94; Director 2005- ).
Duncan Niederauer: Current Title: Chair/CEO NYSE. Former Goldman Sachs Title: Managing Director – 2007.
Romano Prodi: Current Title: Prime Minister of Italy (1996-1998 and 2006-2008) and President of the European Commission (1999-2004). Former Goldman Sachs Title: Paid adviser/consultant 1990 – 1993.
Massimo Tononi: Current Title: Italian Deputy Treasury Chief (2006-2008). Former Goldman Sachs Title: Partner 2004 – 2006.
Malcolm Turnbull: Current Title: Federal Leader, Liberal Party of Australia. Former Goldman Sachs Title: Partner (1998-2001).
David Watson: Current Title: Monetary Policy Committee, Bank of England. Former Goldman Sachs Title: Chief European economist.

But taking bribes from Goldman Sachs and JayPee Morgan, that's one thing, kind of all in the family. Taking ten million dollar bribes from foreign fucking despots and tyrants and crooks to fund an American Presidential campaign, well, Soxy, my man, if that ain't against the law it fucking well oughta be. You're a campaigning Noos-Dude, the Limey equivalent of Bernstein and Woodward, you tell me. Why isn't this shit all over your news show?

So, there you have it, Donald Trump, a billionaire megalomaniac on the one hand, and Hillary Trousers, another billionaire megalomaniac on the other.  
The only difference being that whereas Mr Trump talks about temporarily excluding Muslims from the US, President Trousers actually kills them by the tens of thousands, ravages their countries, steals their resources and aligns herself with those despots and tyrants who tyrannise Muslims all over the fucking place.  Mr Trump talks about cracking-down on what he sees as Muslim terrorism at home and abroad;  checking their movements and documents. The Clinton-Obama administration tortures Muslims in Cuba, bleating that there is nothing they can do to stop it, it's the rednecks' fault; the Clinton-Obama cabal selects Americans and others abroad and murders them by drone, Mr Trump shakes his fist at them. 

And that, I'm afraid, is the  crucial thing, for a caring, compassionate liberal democrat like me. All the other great presidents which Mr Trump accuses, above,  were proper politicians, and he is not. And at the end of the day, for me, that is what matters -  the  difference between the finest  Washington traditions of proven, sustained criminality and treason in office, adhered to  by all recent, preceding presidents and Mr Trump's  rabble-rousing and  tub-thumping;  the difference between mass-murderers, extortionists, war criminals, drug-addicted philanderers and a man having a rant.  It is, as we now say, a no-brainer. And the Channel Four News message, the MediaMinster message, impartial and objective as ever, is that you should  vote for a proper rotten  politician, vote for Spunky Bill's crazy, door-mat doxy and not for a man who does no more than ariticulate a nation's frustrations. Let's face it, what do ordinary citizen-suspects  know about politics, that's why they need people like me.

Living in the best part of England I have no illusions about Trump, he's a pig and a bully and supported by political filth, like soulmate Alec Salmond, he has wrought havoc in Aberdeenshire, God only knows what damage he might do as Uncle Sam's president.  Compared, however, with all of his predecessors and current challengers he is as pure as the driven snow. More importantly, many in the US electorate have warmed to him, enraging a complicit commentariat accustomed to telling voters the who and the how of parliamentray democracy.  Trump - and Sanders, too - have climbed over the fence and  retrieved the electoral  ball from  the grown-ups and if  I was presumptious enough to lecture America then, in the absence of a renewed showing by Sanders, I would urge her,  Clean-up politics, a bit, Vote Trump.

If he doesn't work out they can always kill him,
 it's the American way.


SG said...

Nice work Mr I. That John Sox, busier than a member of the Royal family ain't he? In fact, if there was any justice in the world he would surely be offered honourary membership of 'The Firm'... Goldman's - they make The Mafia, SPECTRE et al look like wholesome charitable foundations. 'The Donald', a beacon of hope for oppressed nylon haired people everywhere - bring him on!

call me ishmael said...

He finished his broadcast, the other night,mr sg, by singing a duet with the hideous Ms Catherine Tait. Probably some mad, Soxian bucket list thing. I keep looking for it but no-one has posted it yet. It is as bad as the PBC, C4 news, jobs for life for a favoured few, tedium and irritation for the audience. Yeah, Trump is an arse but I don't see how he's a bigger arse than the rest of them. And it doesn't matter what we think, if enough people vote for him, that's how it goes; odd, the number of liberals questioning the right of other people to vote as they choose, not as odd as how 4 million Poundlanders share one MP.

SG said...

Indeed Mr I:

1,454,436 votes = 56 SNP seats

3,881,099 votes = 1 UKIP seat

The Barnett Formula in action!

Maybe the answer is to operate our first past post system like the Union block vote - that way each MP would carry the weight of the electorate that their party commanded behind them...

Alphons said...

Roget had "politics" pigeon holed correctly in his Thesaurus.

Bungalow Bill said...

Excellent and the facts are the best satire of all.

Joe Kennedy, the voice and mind of Irish American anglophobia, nice to be reminded of him and his diseased tribe. Mr Mike's recent diagnosis of US military-corporate destruction over the past 70 years seemed about right, its mission to kill Daddy and then screw the world.

Sox has been a long-term prick and he is a fitting commentator on the brainless parade.

SG said...

Hillary really fucking spooks me Mr I - much more so than Trump or, frankly, any of the others. I'd rather see a President Palin than another member of the Clinton dynasty at the helm. These are truly dangerous times...

Mike said...

A scene at a street cafe in Siem Reap, Cambodia - at once, both horrible and hilarious.

2 old US vets, with hats and medals, at the next table, loudly reliving past glories on a battlefield tour of SE Asia. An old local came round with no hands. In his pigeon English he explained to them that his hands were blown off by an American mine.

How these fuckers have the cheek astounds me. And they wonder why the world hates the US.

call me ishmael said...

I daresay thar had the martyred ones been born a bit later they would've been funneling money and weapons to Kneecaps & Co, as it is, somehow, Spunky Bill was ensuring their kid-glove treatment at the hands of Blair and his gang. It really is shit, this idea of statehood and representative democracy; ghouls, thieves and degenerates running everything. Yes, ABC, anybody but Clinton.

call me ishmael said...

It is official US warcrime policy, mr mike, not to count the deaths of any but their own forces. What was it, sixty thousand US forces killed, three million Vietnamese? You don't have to be a jihadi to see Uncle Sam as the Great Satan.p

mongoose said...

The cross-hairs solution had occurred to me too, Mr Ishmael, but it is a bit early yet for that. We'll be needing an acceptable Veep before taking that plunge.

My dear Scotland-based but US-born colleague has lost the plot with the Trumpster now. An Ivy League, New England liberal to her sensible flat shoes, she is banking on Hillary making it all nice and comfy again but the drama is beginning to give her the shakes. Because I am insane, I was up quite late last night at the windowsill watching the last (I think) Republican debate: Trump, Rubio and Cruz. Plus some guy on the right whose name mercifully I missed, and Carson, the black doctor guy, on the left who made the most sense of any of them but was so reasonable, so measured, and so bloody boring in his doctorly way that my cat would beat him in a debate. The rest of it was a stitched up exercise in metaphorically for the moment killing The Donald. Trump appears to have the hide of several rhinoceroses to protect his colossal ego but gave pretty simple answers to pretty stupid taunts. Who but a fool or a pair of same would attack a businessman for employing people? The technicality being several layers deep and needing subclauses to establish before being stomped dead by the obvious taunt that Trump has employed tens of thousands of people - and not just a tribe of interns at the public expense. The other idiot decided to have a go at financial malfeasance in terms of taxation - the new sin not being cheating on your taxes but lawfully avoiding paying more than some moral level that can be adjusted to suit. As if Trump isn't going to be inspected to his laces and the while having the resources to smash the IRS into submission year after year. His being a very different game to trying to get the new car through on your exes. Oh dear, so stupid of them both not to see that this is a different game. He is though, the Trump, a monumentally horrible bastard that his country's fat and odious ruling class richly deserves. Every such needs a good kicking every now and again and maybe they are about to get theirs. It will be interesting to watch if he gets Super Tuesday sorted next week and the full weight of the entire western world's illiberal media class take to the airwaves to tear him down. The coronation of Hillary must not be obstructed. There'll be tears in Edinburgh if it is.

Those two blokes needed their beers pouring on their heads, Mr Mike, and telling to learn some fucking manners.

call me ishmael said...

He surely is the Ugly American and it'd be lovely to see him get a smack in the kisser, his goons in Aberdeen treated the local home-owners like sub-humans, aided and abetted, of course, by FatBoy Salmond, in exchange for a fistful of dollars, that both survive and flourish is a sign of the times and in Salmond's case an unducation of the steep decline in standards of journalism, before-before his exes and his lies and incompetences would have been ruthlessly investigated and exposed, instead, he's seen as good click-bait.

As for your flat-shod American Friend, perhaps you should direct her to some of the US locally made documentaries on RT about destructive, predatory and poisonous EarthCrime projects being conducted in the American wilderness by Hillary's backers, trampling all over the Holy Constitution. Were I mongoosing, colleague-wise, with such a political naive as she, I would buy her a subscription to callmeishmael and direct her mind to the many editions which concentrate upon the doings of Spunky Bill and his maddened doxy.

I have read some of Carson's stuff but not seen him and he seemed decent enough, as presidential candidates go.

I was also quite cheered by a man of Asian/Indian extraction, Bobby something, now a full-blooded Republican who spoke with some authority about immigration, how there should be no more hyphenated Americans Afro-, Asian-, Sino- and so on, but just Americans, period; if you want to import your own alien culture you really should stay where you are in the first place, it was a bit more subtle than that but that was the essence of it. If only the aldermen, sherrif and justices of Rotherham had proved so forthright.

Les biens pensants will surely suffer moral dyspepsia should Donald come marching home, please God, and piss on their croissants.

yardarm said...

Puts things into perspective, seeing the Dumpster compared to the filth that came before. Cometh the cuntish hour, cometh the cunt. And the Rotherham bastards; the councillors, social workers, plod deserve to spend as long in the slammer as the nonces.

DtP said...

I stopped long ago even attempting to work out foreign election predictions because no matter how much is read, watched, understood etc, voting is very much a stick your finger in the air affair and check which way the wind's blowing but...ffs, i'm glad i'm not Amerkin. Just the length of the campaigns for 1 thing - fuck me, there's over 8 months left of this shit and it's not as though government stops, some cunts are just doing stuff with fuck all oversight and with Diana Ross dying they've got the added smokescreen of hiring a Supreme whilst Rome gets napalmed. $20 fucking trillion - what the fuck is that - how on planet fuck can a country be $20 trillion in the red without alarm bells ringing at a constant ear-splitting pitch and estimates to drift to 10x that are truly fucking setting up shop on the Rubicon flogging shitty souvenirs. I think we're at about £1.8 and up to about £4 with private debt and I thought that was pretty bad but.....

Yeah, I hope Trump wins too - sure, he's a retard cunt but he's underselling himself - better than a false prophet 'hopey changey' wank that's been the operating model for far too long. The Sanders guy's a good egg - decent cove, probably talking bollox and would never get the votes or authority to get his policies through the Senate but fair play to the lad yet still they (rigged) vote for Clinton - something to do with super delegates that i've not got y head round.

Geez, a 2 party state - let's hear it for the Lib Dems........tumbleweed....

tdg said...

I love my adopted language but I do wish one could easily compress it as Tacitus compressed his. "Where others rose by industry he idled into fame" is too much for the contemporary ear, even if "cashiers are neither obliged to give change nor authorised to demand it" was natural enough for a public notice not so long ago. Maybe making publishing so effortless causes word inflation: would be an excuse for Twitter were tweets themselves as constrained in number as in length. Or maybe it is the prevalence of inexpert, ill-disciplined users. The way to chaos is familiar but to order always mysterious.

call me ishmael said...

You do pretty well, yourself, Tacitus-wise, as I have occasionally, appreciatively observed.

The exploratory, incomplete sideshoot, though, which mr mongoose recently mentioned and the memory jogged by historical contextuality, these can take fruitful flight and are, I submit, more generous, more fertile than dry, conclusive axiom.

call me ishmael said...

Further on up the road, mr yardarm.

call me ishmael said...

The money stuff, mr dick, is as you like it, terrifyingly real or laughably imaginary. The Cintons, though, back in the Big House, especially if he croaks, mid-term, that really is heavy shit. In a sensible world she'd have been sectioned, long ago.