CORBYN, NEW LABOUR NOBILITY SPEAKS.

 

Well, all I can say to people - Real People, mind, not socialists,  Real People, who know what side their bread is Flora-d  on - people who care deeply about the Labour party, people who care as much as I do, yes, and as much as other great men like myself care, people like my fellow noble baron, 

 

Lord Peter Mandelstein,  he was born to rule, you know, pure aristocracy, Lord Peter is, rather like myself and Lady Kinnock, the great Lord Peter, who helped me form NewLabour,

 

 Kinnock, The Great Navigator.

from a disgraced and irrelevant workers' movement, hampering business and govament at every turn, Peter and I and all the other founders of Workers' Neglect, we are all deeply and profoundly, quintessentially and unequivocally gutted, yes gutted.  We didn't betray every single principle of  Workers' solidarity and co-operation and the so-called welfare state - a state, I might say, which concentrated wholly and entirely and exclusively and entirely erroneously in my view on the needs of irrelevant poor people.....wossat?  Workers Educational  Association?  Me? No, no, no, boyo, I never worked for them, never, never would have been involved in something like that.  I think you'll find that was that Ishmael chap, the communist. 

 No, I just always wear gold cufflinks in solidarity with rich people;  yes, all of us in NewLabour do. Well, in time, we hope that black people will be able to wear them, too, but it's a long struggle we're engaged in;  first we have to make ourselves rich, you see, and then we can........ well, then the problem will be solved.  I mean, how would it be if everybody could afford gold cufflinks -  the foodbanks'd go out of business, for a start, and think of all the unpaid jobs that'd be lost if that happened. I mean, I didn't come into politics to stop people working for nothing.  Only not nobility, like myself, of course, and Lady Kinnock, our time is valuable.

No, I am Baron Kinnock of Islwyn and Brussels, the first Kinnock baron in a thousand generations, no, a million generations, that's how grand I am, and I have Margaret Thatcher, 

 

Baroness Thatcher, to thank for that, and so much more.  I mean, if it wasn't for her, people would still be expecting the state to build homes for people to rent and everybody knows there simply isn't enough money for that sort of thing. 

Lady Glenys Slag, MEP.

And I say to you, today,

that MEPs sinply cannot do their jobs without a massive increase

 in pay and conditions and expenses.

Yes, and pensions, too.

And I must echo, for the Commissioners,  

what the noble lady and member for Mugsborough says on behalf of her colleagues;  if ,as Europeans, we pay our people peanuts, we will get monkeys.

Yes, like me and the missus.

Yes, now we get three hundred pounds a day in the Lords. 

 

Each, that is, me and Lady Glenys. No, look you, we're not motivated by the money. It is the opportunity to run our business from such a grand  address.  What is it?  Oh, well, it's not working by hand or mind, that's for sure; it's never been about that for her Ladyship and my noble self. No, it's more in the line of taking bribes.  

Yes, for attaching our names and titles to any old shit, really, any scam which needs the imprimatur of senior legislators, those who have distinguished themselves by unstinting service to themselves, like Lady Glenys and my noble self.  Yes, whoring for money, the greatest task to which a NewLabour politician can apply himself.
As well as the protection of eminent and distinguished Labour members like my fellow noble  Labour lord, the Lord Janner of KiddyRectum.

But Jeremy Corbyn, no, I mean yes, we are as a family, as a dynasty, in fact, absolutely gutted, yes, disappointed is another way of putting it, dismayed and disillusioned, yes it was as a wordsmith how I distinguished myself.  Well, you might call it windbagging my arse off, like a ginger hobgoblin on drugs but the people of Islwyn, yes, that's in Wales,  the location of my first business, they loved it, no matter how much I betrayed them, they still voted for me in their thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, they love a good windbag, they do, in Wales.  And that's why I said, 

 

 We're not alright,

not with me in charge, anyway.

why I said, after my election defeat, yes,

 

 Thank you, Neil Kinnock, thank you

and Arise Baron GreedyGingerBastard

I was defeated by Johnny Underpants, after that, I promised  that I would stay and serve them for as long as they wanted me, but in fact they all said to me, Lord Neil, boyo, we really want you to go and serve us in Europe;  boyo, that's what they called me, and I never rebuked them for their informality in the presence of my nobility, go to Europe and represent Islwyn on the matter of the continent's transport, be a  Transport Commissioner for Islwyn, way to go, your Lordship.  

Yes, and sack anyone who blows the whistle on the crooked accounts. Well, what could I do?  Mind you, it was a month or two before Lady Glenys was able to be at my side, as an MEP, but it came good in the end for us.  And we want it to come good for everybody.  Oh, not hundreds of pounds a day just for signing-in and immediately fucking off out again , nothing like that. But we had hoped that our son, 

 

the Viscount Kinnock, 

would rightfully have inherited the leadership of my party  - cos, you know, inherited wealth and position, that's what made this great party of ours -  and we deeply regret the fact that  not only was his Grace, the Lord Steven,

 

 not nominated but that voters, most of whom had no business in voting at all, being poor and working class, the fact that voters disobeyed our orders and voted not for a  proven arsehole like Ms Cooper or Mr Bubbles but for someone who simply wants to rock the boat, steer HMS Gravy onto the rocks of redistribution, someone who dosen't even have a title, much less a coterie of backers in GlobaCrime pulling his ginger strings, well,   I mean, that happening, it beggars belief.

All I can suggest is that, as true democrats, we await the opportunity, and it cannot come too quickly, to overturn this democratic result.
And install my son, His Lordship, the Viscount Steven Kinnock, MP, in his rightful place.

 Giving ordinary people the vote,see, 
it was never a good idea.
Not when they use it just as they please
 and not as they're told, by their betters; 
yes, of whom I happen to be one.

In other NewLabour news, below is an artist's impression of the proposed Big Shiny Celebrity Guillotine, to be erected in Downing Street, upon Citizen Corbyn becoming prime minister. 

  

Suits your Lordship's smug, thieving neck nicely, sir.