Sunday 23 February 2014



 His Holiness Pope Frankie de los Fray Bentos.
Time Magazine's Nonce Protector General of the year.

Giving his Christmas orders to massed pilgrims in Rome and to believers around the world,   man of the people, Pope Frankie, said, muy caballeros, we are the veecar of Kar-ist, and eet ees the first time for an Argie,  best is not to wreck the boat, eh? And so ees all full ahead with same-as-before reforms, uzzerwise ees  my cock on ze  sacred choppin' block, eh, and then pop in some reliquary casket for fuckwits to pray at for hundred an' hundred of fuckin' year, eh? Is like that  instrument of Satan, mr ishmael, always say,  eesa no business like-a showbusiness. Fucking-a dog bones and-a bits of-a dried-up snot, and millions of silly, daft fuckers have-a been a-praying at this shit for-a fucking millenia. Por favor, Iyam  only ay poor peasant and not even wear ze posh red shoes, not like some fuckin' popes, eh? Am not namin' no popenames but FuckMeJesus, zis 'avin' a Pope fucking Emeritus, is taking the fuckin' piss, no?

both: Heavenly Father, make this bastard die.

No other poping bastard have had to put up with this shit.  
Previous pope should be fucking dead, no, and having serious bit of arse-roasting down there with competitor?
 Not fucking about, getting under feet of busy man like Frankie.

Anyhow, here they is, my list of reforms for new papacy. An' God bless everybody, especially priests, nuns and any other  mad bad fucker working for me. Not get no money y'know, priest and nuns,   not even minimum styarvation wage, like in UK, not on the fucking books, anyhow, otherwise would be paying tax. Render unto Caesar?  Fuck that shit.
Dominus vobiscum.

Frankie Reforms:
Proscribing birth control:  eesa no change.
Forbidding women priests and bishops: eesa no change.
Forbidding married priests: eesa no change.
Church co-operation with torture,  juntas, dictatorships and totalitarianism: eesa no change.
Vatican bank money laundering: eesa no change.
Redistributing Vatican  wealth to the poor: eesa no change.
Prosecution of Pope Nazi for long-term paedophile cover-up: eesa no change
Facilitating and protecting global noncing network: eesa no change, except-a maybe work a bit harder. Frankie always say You gotta love the sinner and hate the sin, so best thing is excommunicate moaning little brats and move noncing bastard to another diocese or maybe move to other country, or else bring to Rome and-a make him Cardinal in  fucking nonce's hat. 

 Princes of the Church,  O'Brien and Savile
You may kiss my ring, child.
An' mine, too, an' how's about that, then? 

Going the extra mile,
Prince Gormless and Princess Waitress

Some of the lesser royals.

A bit of rough has snuck in, by the looks of it.
Another ruggerbugger joins the cheatiest family in the country.

Meet the in-laws, 
le famille Windsor von Gormless with those catering  people, 
the Middletons.  
One believes thay made their own money, how frightfully common.

Why do unemployed people have so many children? 

Look,  you stupid horsefaced git, your mother had to be stopped otherwise she'da fucked the balls off of every Muslem celebrity in the world 

and your brat, here,  would've had a clutch of nig-nog half-brothers, throwing stones over the palace walls.
Your father is right, for once,  she would have destroyed the entire business which I have worked so hard to maintain.  Man-up, you useless streak of piss, she was only your mother, I'm your fucking Queen         

A family moment as Queen von Brenda,  ArchDuke Brian  Gormless, Prince William Gormless
 and Prince BabyGeorge Born-Fucking-Gormless look optimistically towards a pampered, parasitical future. 
Christ, what a fucking bunch on inbred, deviant misfits.

The Queen's Speech.

 At this time, when we remember the tens of millions slaughtered in World War One, there is no point in mentioning that lots of the trouble was caused by squabbles amongst one's own family, one's great uncles, Kaisers and Czars and whatnot and no point at all in mentioning that one's uncle, David, you know him as Edward the Seventh, was a keen supporter of uncle Adolf.  That the crown has passed to me through scores of nasty, degenerate warmongering cocksuckers is, frankly, none of your fucking business. Being your Qieen is one's job, given one by no less than God alfuckingmighty, Himself. 
 So you can all just pay your taxes and fuck off. 
God bless you all.


Now look, at this very special time of the year,  let's be absolutely clear about this, it was a huge disappointmeht that I wasn't able to fulfill my prime ministerial (unelected) humanitarian destiny and bomb the arse off working class Syrian people but I didn't come into politics just to bomb niggers or other poor people, no, the main thing, let's be quite clear, is that Syria, even without my involvement and that of foreign seckatry,  Mr Miscarriages, is a quite unprecedented humanitarian catastrophe and if we can't add to it by bombing the bastards, the best thing we can do is just keep the fucking refugees out of the UK,  the place is already over-run with Gippoes and Bulgars, last thing we want is starving, limbless Syrian babies  clogging up the NHS, the NHS which I, as an orphaned parent,  have more reason to value than most and that is why I am selling it off, to the highest donor, I mean bidder, no, I mean to the foreign corporation most in tune with the ethos of a public health service free at the point of need;  there is much to be done; here at home, some people, I gather, still have wheelchairs and crutches when they could perfectly well be working and making a contribution to the community.  Some people still expcct that their health care and education should be free, claiming that their taxes should be spent on those services rather than on quite proply paying off the debts of and awarding bonuses to  my friends and relations working in the City of London. No, bombing the Syrians is one humanitarian thing, having some of them come and live here,  that's an entirely different humanitarian thing.  It's a subtle difference, between killing people and caring for them but one which we in the Coalition understand.  Letsbeclearaboutthis. Killing large numbers of foreigners doesn't cost anything because the money is magic money from the contingency fund.  It doesn't really exist you see.  All the cruise missiles and depleted uranium shells, therefore, they don't actually cost anything.  But caring for people, well that costs real money, which, let's face it, we need to use in order to recapitalise the banks. Wossat? No, no, it's not because they're all jumped-up barrowboy crooks. Absolutely not. It's because of the last govament. 

No water?  The Syrians? Well, they can drink piss can't they, let's be clear, lots of honourable and right honourable members do it regularly. Chateau Rentboy, I believe thay call it.  No, no, I don't think it's just the Liberal Democrats.  Nigella?  No, not to the  best of my knowledge.  But she might. If the price was right

Let's be clear, I wish all of my subjects a very Happy New Year and let's be equally clear that if the Scottish people vote for Independence from my govament that will, let's be very clear about this, spell the end of Labour govaments in the United Kingdom.  Or what's left of it.  For ever. And that, let's be clear,  is exactly why I have appointed Mr Alastair Carmichael, KingEarl and Bishop  of Orkney to persuade the Jock tribesmen that they should vote for an end to the Labour Party in Westminster. Wossat? Well, he might well think that his task is to persuade them of the exact opposite but my considered judgement is that whatever he tells them to do, they'll do the opposite.  Wouldn't you?  I know I would. 


Wishing you all a merry, child molesting, allowances fiddling, justice perverting, library closing, jail-birding, intern-groping, NHS privatising, foodbanking, zero-hours contracting, pawn-shopping, loan-sharking, warmongering, lying, thieving, self-aggrandising Liberal Democrat Christmas. 

LibDems celebrating Christmas.

 Remember, our LibDem motto: You have to be cruel to be cruel.  I mean kind.


DtP said...

There's a bit of a local difficulty knocking about as to whether DWP staff are set performance targets for 'fucking people over' or sanctions as they're colloquially labelled. People having their benefits stopped for a given number of weeks for having the temerity to attend job interviews or parent's funerals - clearly such indolence must be stamped out.

I work at that NHS bit that's just had to climb the fuck down on sharing people's private medical records with any Tom, Dick or fucking Harry - ooops, what I meant to say was 'valued tertiary organisations able to assist and improve epidemiological health provision' and the total cluster fuck that is Care dot Data (seriously, that's what the fuckers went with - I guess 'total fucking ownership of anything you thought was private but isn't really' would have stretched the sign writers a bit and expense being the basis of all decisions, don'tcha know). Anywho - I think we're at about the 10th iteration of the total bullshit sham that is summary care records costing well over £10bn and it's only been right at the very end of the process (not that it could have gone live anyway - as it's fucked still) that they thought 'd'ya reckon the punters may have a bit of a gripe?'

The Universal Credit thing (could be bollox as didn't read the story) has apparently cost about £100k per JSA claimant to so far fuck up with no prospect of ever working - let's give all benefits to the punter on a monthly basis and then wonder why homelessness has increased - fucking baffled IDS, I must say i'm fucking baffled!

It has come a bit late to my attention, even though I worked for this collection of Tory twats that my hatred of all things New Labour should never have manifested itself as pro their opposton. That GlobalCorp pays fuck all tax and any mention of popping it on the agenda has been swiftly ignored by all 3 of the main fucks yet benefit provision has been made some moral cause whilst costing a frikking fortune to not get right - well, it makes the next election a little bit more fluid is prbably the best outcome.

It's not really an exercise in cynicsm or even disappointment just a sort of awareness that these current crop of politicians just aren't very good at politics. They care more about their pockets and gigs after they're chucked out than winning elections. It's baffling. However much I still hate Brown it was almost certain that everything he did first went through the prism of 'how will this fuck up the Tories' but these cunts can't even work out who their enemy is. may be a ploy to get turnout down to about 20% - in which case, they're on their way!

call me ishmael said...

"It has come a bit late to my attention, even though I worked for this collection of Tory twats that my hatred of all things New Labour should never have manifested itself as pro their opposition."

That's right, mr dtp, righter than you know. I remember - mr elby the beserk I think it was - saying right at the start of this criminal coup that At least they weren't Brown so they deserved a chance, a bit like saying that Hitler isn't Bismarck so let's give him a fair crack of the whip. And that vengeful, pseudo liberal, rock'n'roll stupidity has grown exponentially to the point that you describe, where GlobaCorp and MediamInster can piss away trillions of our pounds, shaft us until we cannot walk and shit in our faces; the weak, now, in mr elby's Give 'em a chance Britain, are what the Jews were in Weimar Germany. One could cry Shame! but few now know what it means.

As for the records-sharing, well it started with the Boots loyalty card - I know the man who wrote the programme and thus what its purpose was and it is now with that bullet-headed, American autiste monster, Zuckerberg, and the billions who make his product for him, giving him their entire lives to market onwards to Satan, the CIA, the highest bidder; like mr elby, giving him a fair crack of the whip.

Sometimes, up to one's nostrils in the stupidity of the mentally flat-footed, one almost longs for the hot breath of the Jihad on one's cheek.

Mike said...

Just reading that Osborne is opening the people's chequebook for Kiev - he must have read your previous piece Mr I.

I can't for the life of me see why the Chancellor of a bankrupt UK would want to bail out the Ukraine? This is way beyond any logic I'm able to process.

yardarm said...

Yes, Mr Mike the Pale Pansy has whipped the cheque book out for the Ukraine; I can only imagine the real government in the City have their eyes on the gas and coal there and have instructed the bastard accordingly.

Bankruptcy, austerity, there`s no money left ' is just social control. For what the financial terrorists decree is important there are unlimited funds, HS2, Help to Buy etc and if they need to, they create the dosh, 375 of bankster dole/handout/entitlements or quantative easing in bullshit speak.

Was musing on yr calling Parliament the biggest perverts chatroom in the world and the oily subservience of the effete layabout bumboy politicos to the dosh jugglers and their sadistic relish in shitting on the rest of us is best viewed as their indulgence of their perversions. N

It looks like the Ukraine is set for an almighty civil punch up, no doubt with Bad Vlad pulling the strings. And on our side we`ve got the diplomats/spooks/military/politicians. the galaxy of fuckwits that brought us Iraq, Afghanistan and nearly Syria ? Putin must be laughing his balls off.

Bob Doney said...

Uncle David was Edward VIII, for a while.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, but I don't think Brenda and her branch of the crime family acknowledge that, much, mr doney, best not mention it.

I keep positing a post-money world, mr mike and mr yardarm, on the basis that all of the survival tickets simply should not be in the pockets of a handful of criminals and then you remind me that we already are in a post-money world, where all we trade is debt and illusion