Tuesday 29 November 2011


Thanks to my forty pounds a month superior broadband connection courtesy of Avanti communications I cannot engage with those   chiding my antique liberalism.  Avanti are Europe's premier providers of broadband to remote areas but unfortunately their expertise does not extend  to keeping it going in the wind, of which  we currently have a good deal, although not the hurricane force which we sometimes enjoy, here, in the best part of England.  They are sending an engineer, who, if he is anything like the last one, will be confounded by the idea of lace-up shoes.  Avanti are the approved - and only -  choice  of the Scottish govament, as they call themselves, members of which will of course have their broadband provided freely, or, more accurately, by me.


jgm2 said...

It being Fucking Scotland they're more likely to have their broadband provided by me Mr Ishmael. A bit like your heavily subsidised new heating system. Votes, buying, for the use of.

And, again, it being Fucking Scotland, somewhere in the department responsible for awarding such contracts there'll be some Labour apparatchik driving around in an inexplicably expensive motor vehicle that is way above their pay-grade.

Woman on a Raft said...

will be confounded by the idea of lace-up shoes


as the children advise me I should say.

Verge said...

What a drag. If the ISP snafu is also redacting emails, you won't have heard back from me yet (or at all.) It's in the wind somewhere.

Is "avanti" Spanish or Italian? Rather hope it's Spanish as it would then be appropriate for me to recall the punch-line of that joke about Speedy Gonzalez ambushing some poor sap's bride on their honeymoon.
"Are you all right, darling?"
"Si, senor. But please don call me darling, an take your fuckin dick out my ass." (Any resemblance between this gag and much UK customer service is entirely the point.)

mongoose said...

Antique liberalism, eh, Mr Ishmael? Seems almost a tautology. We are all dinosaurs now.

mongoose said...

BTW greetings from Edinburgh, the best part I'm told of the best part of England. Personally, I have me doots.

banned said...

If you really lived in the best part of England you called have availed yourself of the fibre-optic cables that reach 95% of households in these parts. The work was done by Cable & Wirless about 15 years ago and provides better connection speeds than that currently being boasted by BT; mind you, it more or less bankrupted Cable & Wireless and is now run by Virgin.

Dick the Prick said...

@banned - ooooh, brave man. To be fair though, the west coast of jockland is lovely, like walking back in time to a prehistoric land!!

call me ishmael said...

Well, he's been and a taciturn if capable young an he was,too. His predecessor had stretched the cable from the dish and nicked it, had omitted to fit an essential component and had not properly secured the dish and its waterlogged antennae to the wall; poor workmanship, mr ishmael, he said, pure and simple.

The previous guy had cracked-on like he'd been trained under Steven Segal as a US Navy SEAL and been in charge of IT BlackOps for the CIA. Even so, I had to chase after him in the Citroen F-111, flag him down and tell him that never mind an increased speed, none of the computers in the hoose was now connecting. Oh, sorry about that, Sir, he said, when I got his worthless ass back here, only the box didn't speak to the computer and tell that it wasn't compatible, normally it tells me, and it didn't. Shouldn't you have tested it? Like I said, Sir, it normally tells me.

The fucked-up dish installation relates to over two years ago, two years of inferior service. I wonder if I'll get a refund,he mused pensively but not optimistically

jgm2 said...

Just send the fuckers a bill for your loss of amenity. 24 x 40 = 960 quid.

They'll refuse to pay. Then just sign up with the small claims court and pay another twenty quid or so and away you go.

Chances are it's cheaper for them to settle than pay some be-wigged wanker to bus up to your local court and represent 'em.

For good measure - hit 'em for 100 quid extra for the bailiff to collect when the magistrate finds in your favour.

call me ishmael said...

That's just exacty what I'll do, mr jgm2, I love litigation, all that nitpicking, all that shutting-down of any counterclaim or argument. It's eighty quid, up here, in the Sherrif's Court, to do a claim. The Scottish lawyers establishment has mistresses, rentboys and noncing rings to pay for, although I suppose lawyers have such expenses everywhere.