Lieutenant Colonel Rupert Golightly Jockstrap, former C-in-C of the Queens Highland Nancyboys and RedStripeTrouser Pursuivant-in-Waiting to the late QueenMother has made his maiden speech in the house of commons.
Stand to attention, you 'orrible 'onerable member.
Since leaving the forces, Colonel Bob Stewart has made a living popping-up on Skymadeupnewsandfilth whenever they need some military type to fill five minutes about a military matter - Colonel Rupert, you visited Bosnia-Ashdown-Herzagovina, what's your take on these muslim bastards - and which anyone down the pub could do just as well. Or better. But Colonel Gob is now in charge of a constituency and By God, he'll make the buggers march. Red-faced and stuttering like a broken Bren gun, Colonel Bob enthralled the commons but not very much with his tales of the Battle of Balaclava and how the nation would soon learn to march on half-rations. A former CO of the infamous Cheshire Torturing Bastards Regiment, Colonel Rupert is no stranger to being a bastard and although none of the Cheshire constituencies would wear him he won the sixth safest Tory seat in the country, the London borough of Beckenham. Although winning, in these circumstances, is hardly the word.
Coming from a family of Rupert Golightly Jockstraps, the mad bastard told a rapt, sleeping commons, I know how to give these LibDem Johnnies what-for, cold steel, that's what they need, and I'm just the man to give it 'em.
Does my arse look big in this lounge suit? Always think a chap looks his best in battle dress, or combat fatigues. Not enough batmen to go around, that's the trouble with this country, a good flogging off a decent batman, that's what a chap needs. Hurts at first, of course, but you soon get used to it, until it becomes as natural as buggery.