This week, Scotland recorded the highest number of daily Covid cases since the pandemic began - 6,835 infections. The overall rate of new cases is 431.5 per 100,000. Sturgeon conceded that this constitutes "cause for concern". Scotland's schools returned after the summer holidays, weeks earlier than in England, and that seems to be the accepted reason for the increase in cases - nothing to do with sports addiction, travelandtourism, or cruise liners the size of skyscrapers nosing around Scottish waters. 
The Scottish Liberal Democrats have a new leader, Alex Cole-Hamilton, who got the job because he was the only one of them who wanted it, obviously never having heard the phrase "poisoned Chalice".
There's four of them, all crackling with talent, according to ACH, who makes up in enthusiasm for what he lacks in realism. He has found a place on his front bench for Willie Rennie, the former leader, as education spokesman - well, he had to, or there would have been only three of them sharing that bench. Willie
gave up the top job after he took the LibDem holding in Holyrood from five to four. The education job was Beatrice Wishart's, who now gets rural affairs and connectivity - well, she's from Shetland, which is a very, very long way away, so far away that it is mind bogglingly distant. And then there's wee Liam, Orkney's finest, who gets to keep his job as justice spokesman and will also be allowed to speak about the climate. Beatrice and Liam, of course, have to commute by aeroplane, otherwise they would spend all their time driving to meetings only to turn around and drive back again, and their contribution to said meetings is, of course, indispensable. ACH will continue to speak on health issues, which he did before becoming leader, and will also be the LibDem's spokesman on the constitution and external affairs. And that's about as far as the four of them can stretch themselves.
ACH. said he'd had "a busy first week as leader in which I have challenged the
Government over their wafer-thin commitment to helping the NHS recover
from the pandemic and pushed for a comprehensive Covid inquiry" and assured us that the four of them are:
“crackling with talent and ideas” to inspire voters.
“crackling with talent and ideas” to inspire voters.
One on-line commentator was less than reassured. On the 27th August he said: "Comedy gold at it's best. These guys should have their own show. Crackling with talent. And wee Willie gets education? No harm to him but he is an idiot. Cole-Hamilton is a malevolent idiot.When is the inquiry being held into leaks from the Harassment inquiry?"
We might also wonder about the missing £600,000, raised by nationalists to fund an illegal referendum. Apparently, according to the Eye, if individual contributors go to the police, they are quietly being reimbursed their donation from the general fund. Hmmm.
The BBC has re-arranged matters geographical and political, solving the Scottish and the Northern Irish question in one fell blunder. On the 20th August, during the 5:00pm headlines on Radio Four's P.M. programme, the news-reader announced: “The SNP and the Green party have finalised a power-sharing deal at Stormont which includes commitment to hold a new referendum on Scottish independence in the next five years. In return, two Green MSPs will be appointed junior ministers in Nicola Sturgeon’s government."
 |
| Parliament Buildings, Stormont, Belfast |
So the dastardly Greens have snuck themselves into a power-sharing agreement. Here they are: the Smug Three:
Nicola and the two Green co-leaders, Patrick and Lorna. That's right. Two of them. One of each. How outrageous, I hear you cry. That's shocking. No-Platform them.
What, no trans? Are there no trans politicians? No trans Greens? Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue, tells us that there are between 200,000 and 500,000 transgender people in the UK - between 0.3% and 0.75% of the population (that sounds like a made-up figure to me - reminiscent of Professor Ferguson's wild variable of between 100,000 to 200,000 Covid infections if we don't do as we are told). Anyway, it is less than 1% and they seem to have changed academic, intellectual and political life as we used to know it - in other words, they have made an awful lot of noise. But no Green transpoliticians to stand on a crowded platform with Nicola, shrouded - oops - draped with the Saltyre? Well, make one, then - preferably two. One of each. Immediately.
Should you be walking along, minding your own business and you become aware of a hellish cacophony of drums, screams and hooters, it is best to avoid the flat-bed truck cruising the streets of Kirkwall, bearing filthy, stinking and drunken persons to a rendezvous with the Merkit Cross,
to which one of their number is tied, in order to be pelted with more disgusting stuff of a disgusting nature, before being released, thrown back on the truck and conveyed to the harbour, where the whole party is tipped into the black, oily and freezing water. Great quantities of alcohol are consumed on the truck.
Wiki tells me that the Blackening is a traditional wedding custom performed shortly before a marriage in rural areas of Scotland and Northern Ireland. The bride or groom is captured by their friends, covered in food, treacle and other substances of a smelly and adhesive nature then paraded for the community to see, driven in the back of a truck, accompanied by the banging of pots and pans. I was told that the idea is to show the community that the bride or groom is about to be married and is therefore no longer available. Derision and scorn was poured all over me - a bit like the treacle and urine poured over the groom, when I suggested that surely this, if anything, is a breach of the peace? Breach of the Peace in Scotland is defined as any behaviour likely to put the lieges into a state of fear, alarm, annoyance or upset. Not so, mrs ishmael, you wimp, it is a happy Local Custom. The most famous occurrence, apparently, was performed on Melanie Richmond, who was covered in tripe, pigs blood and feathers before being marched from Elgin to Aberdeen over the course of five days. It has been known for a bride to struggle down the aisle of St Magnus Cathedral in full wedding dress, supported on crutches, having broken a limb falling from the truck into the harbour.
I'm not going to discuss the god-awful Kabul Airlift. I'm sure there will soon be lots of films and Gunny Sergeant Leroy Jethro Gibbs will be revived to be laconically heroic.
Here's Stanislav on matters dietary, Islamic and Monarchical:
Grand Old Duke of York, Special Representative for International Trade, visits the Middle East drafted 2/12/2010
Is
not bloody job of idle, golfing prince of pork bloated-up fucking
layabout to argue toss with bloke from Serious fucking Office of
Frauds. Useless prat is out there to sell JCB tractor and Mars bar and
pork pie from Melton Mowbray, only maybe not pork pie, not to angry
muslem bastard - is all fucking angrybastard, innit, muslem bloke,
every young muslem bloke stanislav ever meet is like that bloke off
seven-seven video, shouty, finger-pointing bastard, need punch in
fucking gob and quick rub-down with house brick, is a bit like Jock
really, is both cross-dressing, wife-beating degenerate, only Ahmed at
least not ginger is - with bad temper and big sword for head-chopping
from English infidel, even if pretend prince is only German and Greek
misbegotten inbred fucking parasite and not proper English bloke in
first place, best forget pork pie and try flogging Gynster Pie and
Pasty and Steak Slice, is all bloody rubbish, full up of testicle and
foreskin and lips and sawdust and white pepper stuffed in sweepings-up
from floor in pastry factory, stroll fucking on, eh, English bloke will
eat any old fucking rubbish from garage; sandwich made in West Bromwich
sandwich factory and supply every fucking garage in country with
sopping wet sandwich full of mayofuckinaise and extruded fucking chicken
rubbish, not even fit for dog, or maybe condemned prawn caught around
fucking sewer outlets in Irish fucking Sea and good for fuck all is
only as fucking fertiliser and is three pounds fucking fifty for this
shit, or four, all made by members of West Bromwich Asian community
with red dot on forehead and spit on every fucking thing and probably
diarrhoea has from eating fucking vindaloo curry four times a fucking
day and never washing hands but just go in staff toilet next to
refrigerator door and spray thin hot brown shitliquid all round toilet
bowl and wipe arse with hand - only not eating hand - come out and shove
manky sandwich in plastic fucking triangle for helping fucking bugs
breed and get off to head start in stanislav guts with salmofuckinella
or some shit like that, load up in bread trays and send all around the
country in fleet of dirty, shitty Transit van for busy executive in
Audi to buy in garage and eat in car, listening to Radio fucking Two
with Steve Wright: And now is Bruce Springsteen singing about his baby,
in his car, and both poor is but Thank God, they is both Merkins, same
song, nearly forty fucking year, is worse than Elton fucking John. No,
really, is no shit, Mrs Elton is just ridiculous, fat old poof and
needs piano slamming down on pudgy little fingers and shut bastard up to
fuck and happy world get fucking break from Rocket Man and have good
few punches in gob, too, and send home to husband on stretcher, Oh
shriek, my darling husband, I mean wife, Elton, Oh, shriek, shriek, I
was just showing this young male model the view of our bedroom ceiling,
honestly, no, no, he has his cock out because he has a rare medical
condition and has to get it out in the air every few minutes. Otherwise
it catches fire, or something. Oh shriek, shriek, can I get you
anything, some cocaine maybe, a bottle or Remy or two. I know, I am an
independent film maker, why don't I make an independent film about you
and your recovery? Oh, shriek. Shriek fucking shriek!
Probably no market in desert is for Gynster West Bromwich Mechanically Reclaimed Meat Pasty and Condemn Prawn with Mayo and dockleaf sandwich but hooknose, evil-looking raghead Sheikbastard could feed to English loverboys and girls, instead of caviar and champagne and sheep's eyeball, all wash down with cocaine up nose or maybe up in Jacksie, off gold-plated Cartier bumstraw; Jesus fucking wept, is savage, innit?
RUN AND GET THE FIRE BRIGADE. POLITICIANS ON HOLIDAY. 7/8/2011
Interviewed
on skymadeupnewsandfilth, Tottenham MP, Mr David Buffoon, NewLabour,
said it was all unacceptable, totally unacceptable, that he was being
made to look like an utter cunt before the world's media. As usual,
blustered the useless bastard, it is a majority of people who think I'm a
cunt, and the great minority who voted for me and my fellow MPs must
have its voice heard. If there is one thing I would say to the people
made homeless by these totally unacceptable events it would be Vote for
Me, you can be sure that I will hear your concerns and do nothing about
them.
Elsewhere
in London, the Mayor, Mr BoJo, could not be found, despite a search
being made of whorehouses and coke parlours but a statement issued from
his office said that the Mayor would find it absolutely unacceptable,
all this shit, rioting and stuff, hadn't he single-handedly secured
freebikes4all, yes, and the Olympics, what would all the foreigners
think of this shit. I do think that although he has done a fine job
that Sir Paul Gob, the Police Commissioner, should consider his
position....
What, the blighter's already gone ???? Well his deputy
should go, then. Not a moment too soon.
What???? He's gone too???? Well, some sergeants, they should go. The policing of the capitol is a
very important matter and not to be left to some coked-up, cock-waving
nincompoop. And another thing, this is all the work of a criminal
minority, bent on undermining the blah-blah-blah...you all know what
I'm saying, help me out here........gosh, I hear they've been looting
shops, don't these people have trust funds for their shopping? Anyway,
once my holiday is over you can all be assured that I will give this
matter my fullest whatchamaycallit, remember my Bullingdon Club motto, cogito ergo dumb, I think but I am an idiot.
Not to worry, what, just a handful of wogs playing up, a few water
cannon'll sort the buggers out. And hopefully people will see my
handling of this great city as an example of how I would rule as Prime
Bully, I mean minister. Rotten appointments, rotten police resigning
left right and centre and the place up in fucking smoke and me nowhere
to be seen.Vote4Boris, what?
A
statement from the unelected prime minister's holiday location said
that Mr CallHimDave was keeping in close touch with events in wherever
it was, some slum in North London. This is exactly why I have a cabinet
of millionaires, said the worthless, jumped-up fuckpig and former PR
man, to reflect the concerns of the ordinary rioting Briton who hasn't a
pot to piss in and my govament taking away what little support there is
is a sign of our very great concern that rich people must, simply must,
there's no two ways about this, mr deputy speaker, rich people must
have more money.
And
if the whole fucking country goes up in smoke - only not Chipping
Norton or Chequers, obviously - then it will all be as a result of
thirteen years of Labour misrule and nothing to do with me. I must say
it's a bit rich that the former prime minister has not come to the House
to take responsibility for all my fuck ups but at least the people of
Britain will know that I am doing everything I can to condemn this
stuff as being totally unacceptable in a modern democratic police state.
And to all the people who have lost their homes and businesses I simply
say a heartfelt shutthefuckup, you're just the first of many.
Here
on skymadeupnewsandfilth we will be following this story and if
possible fomenting more riots up and down the land as part of our
attempts to draw the line under all this Murdoch shit. I'm Kay Burley.
Stay tuned or I'll bite your face off.
............................................................
The Sunday Ishmael Cryptic Crossword Clue, courtesy of mr verge -
We picketed dim strike-breaker here for golden wino. (3,6)
stanislav and mr ishmael's essays today are:
Is not bloody job of idle, golfing prince of pork drafted 2/12/10
Run and Get the Fire Brigade. Politicians on Holiday drafted 7/8/2011
Both anthologies of the work of mr ishmael and Stanislav : Honest Not Invent
and Vent Stack - are available to purchase for mere money at Lulu or
Amazon. It is cheaper to buy from Lulu. Register an account with Lulu to save a couple of quid, as going straight into the link provided below seems to
make paypal think it's ok to charge in dollars, and apply their own conversion
rate, which will put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account
is set up, follow our link; a pop-up box asks for age confirmation - simply set
the date to (say) 1 January 1960, and proceed. (If you type the title, the
anthology will not appear as a search result until the "show explicit
content" box - found at the bottom left by scrolling down - has been
checked. You may also see the age verification box, as above, at this
point.)
The full title is "Vent Stack love from
stanislav" by ishmael smith, and the cover you'll see is red with white
titles and a picture of Buster the Previous Blog Dog having a green thought in
a green shade.
Link for the paperback:
Or...
shorter link, which might make it easier if you wish to
paste it into an email and tell a friend:
Honest, Not Invent is available in
paperback or hardback.
Link for Hard Back :
https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/ishmael-smith/honest-not-invent/hardcover/product-njr7vg.html
Link for Paper Back :
https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/ishmael-smith/honest-not-invent/paperback/product-wq2kpg.html
At checkout, try PROWRITINGAID15, WELCOME15 or TREAT15 in the coupon box,
which takes 15% off the price before postage. If this
code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for
"Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.
With the 15% voucher, the book (including delivery to a UK
address) should cost £10.89
