Wednesday 19 May 2021

Wot's on Telly?

  Wot's on Telly?

Naked Attraction. Just proof that human beings are so much, much more attractive with their clothes on.

An exercise in absolute humiliation, had the participants any passing acquaintance with shame, embarrassment or modesty, the stuff that most sane people have nightmares about - finding oneself naked in public; Channel 4 has managed to assemble a considerable array of narcissist exhibitionists happy to pose naked in boxes on television to have their physical attributes mocked by a member of the opposite sex, egged on by the presenter, Anna Richardson.  Placed in a box, which progressively reveals bottoms, front bottoms, dangly bits and booby-doos, complete with tattoos and multiple piercings of defoliated tender parts, the contestants are evaluated and chosen for  a date on the basis of their bodies alone. It has run to 8 series, so it must be hugely popular. One contestant in 2016, Tracy,  chose her date on the basis of his Biggus Dickus (Monty Python, Life of Brian) and had such a splendid time that she was hospitalised on three occasions. This collection of grotesques probably serves the function of reassuring the viewing public that, whatever their fears that they have the most malformed private parts imaginable, there is always someone more peculiarly arranged, who has no inhibitions whatsoever about displaying their misfortune to the world and prancing off camera, waggling their bottoms.
Just shows to go you that, as journalist curmudgeon H.L.Mencken famously remarked: "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." Looks like Channel 4 has taken that maxim to heart and that the great British public has beaten the Yanks hands down.
The Channel 4 website tells me that it is a publicly-owned and commercially-funded UK public service broadcaster, with a statutory remit to deliver high-quality, innovative, alternative content that challenges the status quo. Its public service remit has 15 elements, including: 
  • Be innovative and distinctive
  • Stimulate public debate on contemporary issues
  • Reflect cultural diversity of the UK
  • Champion alternative points of view
  • Inspire change in people's lives
  • Nurture new and existing talent.
Channel 4's innovative, distinctive and diverse programming includes the following shows: Married at First Sight, Generation Porn, Threesome Dating and Swingers.
I rest my case, m'Lud.
The following ishmael piece from the draft archive includes, amongst his thoughts on i-Thingery and grammar, mr ishmael's animadversions on a particular TV chef's influence on the health, hygiene and gastro-intestinal state of the nation. You'll be delighted to learn that after mr ishmael's campaign, a hand-washing sink was installed on set and Jamie ostentatiously used it. His boyish Lahndun charm first sprang into the nation's consciousness via the good graces of the BBC, but he has gravitated to his natural habitat of Channel 4 with his Keep Cooking Family Favourites. No, not fishnchips, mincentatties, pienpeas, sausagenmash, ratonnastick or chickeninnabasket but, as Channel Whore's blurb for episode 10 of series 2 tells us: "Jamie whips up a showstopping spiced cauliflower rice pie and shares his take on elevating the simple salmon fillet with his delicious Cajun-spiced po' boy"

Now read on.............
26th May 2014
When I received my iPadthing one of the New People looked at it and said Hmmm, ya got no apps, ishmael.

Whaddayamean, got no apps?

Ya got no apps on it.


Yeah, everybody has apps on their tablets.

On their what?

Tablets. iPadthing is a tablet computer.

Right. So what's an app?

It's a kinda thing.

A thing?

Yeah a programme type thing.  Does things for you.

What things?

Oh, lotsa things.  Say, you were in strange place and you wanted to know the location  of a good restaurant.......

I wouldn't.

Wouldn't what?

Wouldn't wanna know the location of a good restaurant. 'Specially not in a strange place.

Why not?

Why not? Because I value my intestinal wellbeing too much to eat food that some filthy fucking bastard has prepared in some fucking crawling, infested shithole of a kitchen.  That's why not. Y'ever work in a kitchen, d'ya know how little they get paid? Christ allfuckingmighty, cookie coulda had his hand up somebody's arsehole five minutes before he went on duty, he could have all manner of infections and diseases and like that insufferable prick, Jamie Oliver,  he might think that food handling hygiene and cross-contamination are all imaginary, dunappen in the real world, bish-bash-bosh, there y'are,  snot, shit and gonorrhea, all prepared for under a tenner and in less than fifteen minutes an' my kids, lemmetellya, my kids, Poppy and Floozie,  they love this shit, can't get enough of it. Oh 'ang on, the rosemary and chili souffle is ready, they're bezzie mates, rosemary an' chili, drizzle 'em all up wiv some good olive oil and they make magic togevva,  just have a quick taste, dip me 'and in, shove it in me Norf'n'South, 'ave a good old lick, wipe it on the arse a me jeans an' jobsagoodun. I musta seen this cunt of a man  a hundred times, handling raw flesh and then going to his black pepper mill, givin' it a good ol' twist, then going and handling some salad and then coming back to the good ol' pepper mill and givin' it another good ole'twist and then  handling some bread, never washing his brass bands, never, in its entire life, washing the pepper mill,   the man's a walking disease, anyone dining at his house must wake up next morning with the old posterieur flambee, arse on fire from overspiced food laced with bacteria off mine host's dirty hands.  That's Oliver, filthy fucking Cockney gabshite, the second luckiest man in the world, after Ringo Starr.  I dowanna eat any shit prepared by anybody of the same subspecies as Jamie Oliver.  I'd rather go hungry than eat in a restaurant

Well, alright then, say you're travelling on the Underground...

I wouldn't...

Wouldn't what?

Travel on the Underground.

Why not?

I don't go there.

Don't go where.


You don't go underground?

Too fucking right I don't.  I go overground. On top of the ground. Not in it. Fuck that.
Plentya time for that when I'm dead.  I don't like it underground; it's fucking horrible underground, who in their right mind'd go underground?  Do I look like a fucking earthworm?

But millions of people go Underground every day.

Yeah, amazing isn't it? Unbelievable. Somebody comes along a hundred years ago and says, hey, look, 'steada travellin' in the light, where you can see where you're going, how about you climb down half a mile underground and scoot around in the dark, all  crammed into carriages, crammed right up, right up tight, standing-up, squeezed-in, like it was an orgy with you and  thousands of nasty, smelly bastards all looking the other way, breathing foreignfood germs all over you and maybe stealing your wallet right out from in your pocket., yeah?  You'll all get around a bit quicker but not much and we'll make loadsa money, which is the main thing. Who could not enjoy that, who could not prefer being underground to being out in the sunshine?

Alright then, forget about the Underground, but you can download an app for almost anything.

Dowannoo. I don't need no applications. I can do stuff. Thinking, figuring out, I can do all that. SatNav, Smart phone, don't need any of that stuff.  Tell ya what, I'll race you to Moscow, now, if you like, and I'll beat you.  And anyway, spent enough on the iPadthing, it should come with everything it needs, shouldn't it?  Don't buy a car and have to go and buy a gearbox somewhere else, do you?

But lotsa apps come for free.



Nothing, they're for nothing.

Same thing.

No. Nobody can give you something for free.

Yes, they can, people give you the apps for free.

No, they don't. Give is a verb, to describe a verb you need an adverb, not an adjective, free is an adjective, freely is the adverb. Do you know what a verb is?

You what?

For free is just supidtalk.  Either you mean freely or at no cost or for nothing.  You don't mean for free.

Yes, I do.

Well, you're fucking stupid then. No wonder you need apps in your life. Only trouble is, the apps'll be written in shit, too, 'sthe only thing you people understand....

You people........

You're one of those people who says The reason why, aren't you.  And pin number, I bet you say that all the time.

Wosswrong with pin number?

Whats the PIN stand for?

It stands for PIN number.

What's the P mean?

I dunno, it's part of  the whole PIN number thing, obviously, but it relates to the number, you know, the PIN number itself.

Ya ever heard of an acronym?


 An acronym is a word - y'understand what a word is?  -  formed from the initial letters of other words.

You mean an abbreviation, then? An acronym is just a posh way of saying an abbreviation?

Well, an acronym is a shortening exercise which makes a new word but an abbreviation doesn't make a word, not a word that you can say. Try saying BBC, for instance.

Ah, but you're splitting hairs, at the end of the day they're the same thing. Essentially.

What do the letters P-I-N stand for?

They stand for PIN number, I already told ya.  Everybody knows that.

And what's a PIN  number?

It's a PIN number, y'know, for your cash machine, you have to enter your PIN number to get your money out, 'sjust a word, y'know, PIN number, just like any other word.

It stands for Personal Identification Number.

Right, that's what I bin saying, it's a word, meaning PIN number.

And the same people, the New People, say Heading Up and Entering Into and the Reason Why,  deploying these and countless other solecisms, as though their popularity made them correct, even though obviously they are incorrect, it is as though there is a collective cowardice which fuels stupidity, makes it, turning aitches to haitches,  man-day-tery.

And I bet you use that thing...

What thing?

That a-thing, y'know, the a with  a c wrapped around it,  this thing, here @, I bet you use that all the time, in appworld, on twitter and what have you.

Yeah, I do, what's wrong with that, it means to.

No, it means at.

At, to, same thing.

No.  Different things, at and to. And anyway it doesn't mean that sort of at.

What sort of at?

Prepositional sort of at.

Prepositional sort of at? What the fuck's that mean?

Pre- before, position - where, at home, at is the pre-, home is the position. The @ thing actually means at a cost of.

Ar a cost of? At a cost of what?

Of whatever the cost is.

At a cost of whatever the cost is?  How can that mean to?

It doesn't, that's what I'm saying, it doesn't mean to.

What doesn't.......doesn't mean whatever it is you're saying it doesn't?

It means. The @ thing, at a cost of, or each, as in four apples @ 20 pence. It doesn't mean to, it doesn't mean at somewhere, it means at a cost of, it means each.

Like in each to his own? 

It is easy to read this lament as grammar school elitism  but I learnt this stuff long before grammar school,  I learnt it from Miss Boulter and Mr Barnes and Mr Coe, in primary school; it isn't, strictly speaking, grammar, it's just a matter of knowing what words mean, knowing that entering means going into, surely everybody knows that; surely everybody knows that there is no verb To Dumb and that even if there was, doing it downwards would be  tautologous.

I heard some MediaMinster slag, I think it was, the thug, Micky Fallon, and he said The reason why the govament are gonna do  this....... Fallon would consider himself well-educated, a proper, thieving, bullying, safeseated  Tory cunt. Alright, he didn't go to Eton but that is the single thing which can be said in his favour, he should be in the yet-to-be-opened HM Prison for MediaMinster Psychopaths, he has face and a tenor, Fallon,  such that your foot would break before you tired of kicking him in the teeth but the main thing about Fallon  is that like the vast majority of legislators, he cannot or will not speak English.


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