Monday 24 February 2020

From Before-Before

From the ishmael archives
The world of retarded adolescence was in mourning, today - yes, again - over the death of popular children's entertainer, Mr Tom Toothy, at the shockingly young age of only sixty-six.

Leader of the pop group, Tom Toothy and the TeethBreakers, 
Tom's death in LA prompted  millions of the usual mawkish, infantile tributes which the Internet has permitted and encouraged; hashtaggaz1945, from Walthamsow, posted that in all them years when I wasn't growing-up  Tom's songs about girls was the only thing what kept me going,  he was a true genius, RIP Tom, keep rocking and singing songs about girls. 
At least Tom and the Teethbreakers wasn't trannies, at  least I fink they wasn't.

On children's TeeVee, hideous, tongue-tied,  greasy dwarf, 

 Jools Holland, 
said, yes, ladeezangennulmen, I can't believe it either, it's  twenty-five years that yours truIy has been fronting this awful show, Later, with me and a bunch of tone-deaf fuckwits, you know, viewers, people only have to appear on my show and  automatically they become legendary and doing that, ladeezangennulmen, being  a now-legendary legend-maker, has put  millions and millions of your license payers'  pounds straight into my pinstripe, faux Edwardian skyrocket, and yes, I can't frame a fucking sentence.
 Am I the biggest cunt in children's entertainment? I truly dunno, ladeezangennulmen.  But if I am I'd bet you a monkey that this bent arty-farty cocksucker would run me a close second. 
 I give you, ladeezangennulmen, straight from the disciplinary board of Companies House, the man who brought you that great Kids4Charity scandal, I give you the legend that is:
  Mr Al Gob!

 Al, you latched onto that crooked kids charity thing, dincha,

 with that mad woman in the curtains; wotsername, Camilla Batman, zat her?
The legend that is CurtainsWoman?

 to enhance your own standing as a great but compassionate entertainer, just wanting to, what is it, yes, put something back, having taken so much, yourself, massive salaries and pensions and bungs and so on. And how so rock'n'roll is that? I mean, at the end of the day all of us in children's etertainment want to put something back.
 An' I must say that that's something that all of us in showbusiness would of have done, joined a crooked charity, if only we'd been as clever as you. 
 And then it all went sour, didn't it, and in a cruel twist of fate you and Batwoman was barred from being a director of anything,
 never mind a charity. 

I must ask you, Al, 
has your shameful incompetence caused you any problems with your career, here at the PBC?

 Well, what do you think, Jools? 
You've been masquerading as a musician all these years, hasn't done you any harm.  No-one ever cottoned-on to you being a gibbering nincompoop, did they?


11:03AM BST 24 Sep 2015

The BBC’s creative director accused the journalists who exposed the corporation’s cover-up of Jimmy Saviles crimes of being “traitors”, the former Newsnight investigations head claims.
According to Meirion Jones, Alan Yentob made the alleged comment about him and Liz MacKean to a colleague after they contributed to the Panorama expos√© “Savile – What The BBC Knew”.

And anyway, Jools, as you know, 
 Tony Blackburn, he takes the fall for all these misunderstandings, doesn't he ?
  All down to Tony Blackburn, that was.
 So, no, not a scrap of difference to my career, being banned by Companies House and the Charity Commissioners
And as a matter of fact I am planning a ninety-minute, serious documentary on the career of the late Mr Tooth, Tommy, Tommy Toothy as he was known to us in the business, we gilded ones.
Yes, I shall be talking about his guitars, Fenders and Gibsons, things like that.

Yes, Al, that's  kinda your trademark, isn't it?
 Do you play guitar, yourself? Fancy sittin' in with me and my Great Rythmn and Blues Orchestra?
Anyone seen Sir Alan Yentob? Seems to've disappeared.

Never mind. On with the show. An' what a truly fantabulous show we have for you tonight, ladeezangennulmen, a veritable glitterama of kiddies entertainment, a cornucopia of popular song. 
And our next guest joins us by the miracles of modern science from downtown Vegas.

sings and clicks fingers: 
Seventy-seven  Sunset Strip, 
Seventy-seven Sunset Strip. 

 Ladeezangennulmen, give it up for the top cop in Las Vegas Sheriff of Clark County, Nevada, lesshearit for Sheriff Joseph Lombardo.
Sheriff Joe, great to have you on the show.

No problem, Jeremy,  
good  to be here, 
me an my fellow lawnforcement operatives are great fans of the show, watch it every week, 
love that bit with the Stig, drivin' them automobiles at high speed around your track there.
 'Course,  get him shot it would, here, in Nevada, probably causing a rapid deceleration of the ve-hicle and the loss of its operator's life, that is to say were he not already riddled with high-velocity rounds form my fellow lawnforcement agents.  Shoot first and don't answer any questions later, that's the very essence of Protect and Serve. Especially with Mexicans, you'd agree with that, right?
 But no, Jeremy, my fellow public servants are great fans of Top Gear and it's an honour and a privilege to be on the show; d 'ya wanna ask me about my car history? 
My first was a Chevvy Impala ........

Well, actually, Sheriff Joe, what we wanted to know was how're things there, on the street, in Vegas? 
 Things are pretty rock'n'roll there at the moment, aren't they? 
I mean the great Tom Toothy has passed away, the man who wrote and sang some of the greatests songs ever written and sung about girls, 
 and as if that wasn't bad enough for people to come to terms with we are hearing that there's been some kind of a massacre right there on your beat, so to speak, on your manor, as we call it London.

That's right, Jeremy, I was a great fan of Tom's music, all those years when I wasn't growing-up, just hanging-out at the drugstore, playin' the jukebox, me an' m'buddies, listening to Tom singing about girls.  
I really loved that beautiful nasal whine he had,  for  me there wasn't nobody could sing through his nose like Tom.

Yes Sheriff Joe, he was quintessentially American, was Tom Toothy, quintessentially American, rather like, I venture to suggest
 Joe - is it OK if I call you Joe, you won't shoot me? - rather like your good self

Well, what I can tell you, Jeremy, is that the primary aggressor in this scenario has expired;  that there's fifty or sixty John Does cluttering up the morgues at present but that what with the primary aggressor having also wounded five hundred of them shitkicker country music fans, having shot their asses with high-velocity rounds, well,  there's likely gonna be a whole lot more stiffs laying around in Vegas for awhile.
 I mean, Jeremy, that's not the kinda ordnance you want firin'  into your ass, nor indeed anyplace elsewhere's on you body;  the shock of one of them rounds hittin' you's generally enough to kill you. Them AK47s, Jerry, they really do inflict some heavy-duty trauma. And it's the trauma that's as likely to kill  you as the actual wound   We know that in lawnforcement because of  all them black lives that don't matter. 
I mean, you only gotta hit a nigger almost anywhere with one of them rounds and you can bet he's drawn his last welfare check.

if you could just stay with us for a moment, Sheriff Joe, there's someone here, wants to ask you a question....

Sure thing Jeremy, 'slong as its not that little guy, the Hamster guy, we hate short people in the Las Vegas Police Department, shoot 'em on sight,  'swhat we do (sings) short people got no reason, short people got n-o-o rea-son t'live


Oldrightie said...


Mike said...

Keep it coming Mrs I, great stuff.

mongoose said...

Mr I really didn't like the Jools creature.