Friday 24 May 2019


I'm Fat Frankie Boyle, the BBC's excuse for an alternative comedian. 

 Aye, I am a big, fat, face-stuffing, idle Glaswegian but the expensive suits and the beard disguise all that; naebody'd ever know.

See? Nobody'd ever think I was a typical truculent, overeating, whining, ill-mannered, piss-in-the-sink, wife-beating, cross-dressing, inebriate 'Wegie scumbag, that I typified the kind of deranged lunatic who worships Nicola Sturgeon, would they, just another snarling, retarded obese Jock?
My act is always the same.  
Me and this other bunch of utterly worthless nobodies slag-off and sneer at ordinary people,  the mockables,  the kinda dummies that work for a living and don't eat-out every night and then, my piece de resistance is that I call them cunts, the ordinary people.
It's kinda like, y'know, a Children's TeeVee version of Have I Got News For You, Satire's graveyard, only for half-witted New People, the kind of imbeciles who have metal piercings on their cocks and their tits and have tattoos round their  arseholes, sayin' Fist Me Hard, Please; Syphilis Is My Friend. 

And so, as well as saying He's a cunt, he is, 
or How fucking racist is that?

 - whatever the that is - my other sparkling punchline, which always gets a cheer from the pissed-up audience is How homophobic is that? 

 See me, I live in London with my partner - none of that heterosexist, racist and homophopic husband'n'wife cutishness for me - with my partner, Shereen Taylor, aye, I know, you couldn't invent a more cuntish chav-twat  name than Shereen Taylor, but Hey, she's livin wi' me, in London,  so she's gotta be brilliant, Yeah? And if anybody disagrees wi' me I'd drop the fuckin' heid on them, if only I wisnae so fucking fat, that is. 
Cos, y'see, spastics and mental divvies, they're fair game for a brilliant, radical comedian like me. Calling sick people names for a cheap laugh, that takes a lot of integrity.  But the suggestion that because my partner, Shereen - I know, I know, sounds like some sad,  prematurely aged chav slapper whose only romantic experience is every Friday night  getting fucked hollow, up against a 'bus shelter by a gang a drunken schemies and them gi'ing her a bag a chips, in gratitude, and her eating them - the suggestion that because I'm a prize cunt she must be, too, well that's just unacceptable.

I remember, back in stanislav's day, when order-order was relevant, that we honoured the worthless, thieving, murderous Jeff Hoon by making his name a synonym for cunt - a bit of a Hoon, that Toilets Maguire; stop talking like a Hoon and so on - the point was not to encourage the gratuitous use of a particular word but to illuminate the fact that Hoon and the rest of the NewLabour gangsters, would rejoice in the immolation of countless working-class Iraqi men, women and children but their amour propre would simply never permit them to use a perfectly valid Anglo Saxon word, only recently outlawed by the language fashionistas - roast the world's children but NewLabour's mass murderers would never, ever-ever say the word Cunt, that really would be unforgiveable. I think Frankie missed the point and  I think the same should happen to him  and his gang of infantile cocksuckers.  
There oughta be  a law against it, hadn't there, greed, spite and beardy stupidity, dressed in Mirth's clothing;  the fucking Boyle.

And another thing, which just demonstrates how completely fucked and racist and homophobic and xenophobic we are as a country is the news that ten nurses have been arrested for Spazz-Abuse. What is BBC Panorama thinking about, exposing perfectly normal behaviour like that as though it was a crime? They've changed their tune a bit since Smirking Paul Gambuccini 

said that he daren't expose Jimmy Savile because it would have affected his own career, and that's the main thing, isn't it Paul?

I mean these nurses were just abusing the patients,  like I do; they hadn't killed them or anything, so what's the big fucking deal?

  I mean, how so fucked-up is that, 
when decent, hardworking nurses can't abuse 
 some spazzy patients?

 And I mean, what else is the point of spazzers and dummies?

Have I contributed to Spazz-Abuse in this country? 

 Well I should fucking well hope so. 

Frankie, you're a model to us all. Just lookame. I'm Marcus Bogstick, brilliant, radical alternative comedian,  who, like you, fought his way up the mean streets of the BBC until - now that I am a brand  - I can work mainly for the moneylenders. 
 And that's as radical as cutting-edge comedy gets.
"He helps me with my credit rating...."
The thing is, thanks to the govament and its owners, nobody can actually afford to buy anything.  I mean there's that poor bint on the telly - her shower's fucked and instead of telling her worthless little shit of a son to boil a fucking kettle and wash in the sink 

 she says, Oh, fucking brilliant, I can borrow some shower repair money at only a thousand per cent interest. 

Everybody, well not me but most people have to borrow money to buy the things which thay are persuaded that they simply must have, otherwise they're just cunts. 
And that's where I come in. 

To be able to borrow money at a thousand per cent per annum you have to have what's called a credit rating.  Oh, I know people just used to save-up but saving is unpatriotic and anyway most people's wages aren't enough to live on, never mind save from.
So I just explain to these people that the better your credit rating the more unrepayable debt you can get into. 
 Lets face it, it's radical comedy of a sort.

If you want more of my alternative comedy you might be able to borrow some money to buy  tickets for  the Edinburgh Festival. It's where cheesy shits like me gather together to give ourselves awards.


Bungalow Bill said...

Boyle is indeed a creeping bully. It is written in his nasty, dead eyes. He's a recent profitable and career-saving convert to received left-liberal opinion, pretending still to be the brave boy. Stupid liars all of them: that other dickhead, Stewart Lee, who long since tediously ironised himself up his own arse and into fat oblivion; the once very funny Armando Ianucci; the Murdoch servant and hypocrite, Steve Coogan.

Cowards they are, and quislings.

call me ishmael said...

In the States they've had Lenny Bruce, Jackie Mason, Richard Prior, Bill Hicks and Joan Rivers.; here, God help us, we've had Bob Monkhouse, Lenny Henry, the two Ronnies and Jo Brand, plus all those other cunts you mention, mr bungalow bill.

Micky Flanagan, with his Alf Garnett revisited, diamond geezer cockney mid-life crisis riffs is shocking, smart, sensitively observed and funny, if you get the chance; he's on bargain basement telly often.

Mike said...

If they threw Christians to the lions, like in the good old days, it would get laughs. Its a funny old world.

PS ready to get heckled, but I had a soft spot for Rab C. Each episode had a little moral.

call me ishmael said...

Oh, I loved Rab C, mr mike, Shakespearian tragi-comedy, set in Blatcherite Glasgow, written, naturally enough, by an Englishman.

Mike said...

I particularly liked the character of Ella - now if she was in charge of Brexit negotiations....

call me ishmael said...

Ella's screen man, Jamesie, was a real life nonce and Rab's mrs, in real life, is a raging Tribeswoman demophobic fascist.

Mike said...

Jamesie always had a little of the night about him. But Ella had his measure. Sorry to hear about Rab's Mrs.

But they were great actors and the whole was greater than the sum of the parts. Can't say I understood every word, it being Glaswegian, but it was funny and at times profound. Shakespearean, as you rightly say.

Similar, in a very different kind of way, to Yes Minister - although Yes Minister didn't quite have the same bite.

call me ishmael said...

Didn't see much of Yes, Minister but it always seemed irritatingly knowing, self referential, like it was its own laughter track. It's a tough gig, TeeVee comedy and few succeed. It's two thirty, here, I'm away to bed.

Mike said...

Goodnight Mr I: I trust you have a fine malt ready for the EU results. Chaos it will truly be from hereonin.

Walter said...

Mr ishmael, I,m sorry if i caused you any angst the other day i,m a bit of a cunt sometimes! Anyway to shift that load of comedians in the Hoc, I would elect mp,s like they do for jury service anybody can be one except criminals and the over seventies, cant do a worse job than this shower of shit1

call me ishmael said...

No worries, mr walter, old friends, here, sat on out park bench. I have said the same for years, jury service principle, rather than lucrative careerism. I do believe that Sid Farage is about to Trump all over them, although then, of course, we will have a different bunch of gabshite careerists, a price worth paying, though, if it purges this current gang of degenerates, child molesters, drug addicts and ponces. I notice that Groper Evans is on the fabled 1922 committee, must mean it's a wanking and fisting shop.

Tdg said...

Basic gags aside, humour seems to me a second order property, indivisible from its subject. Social commentary, say, might be amusing, but only secondarily to the interest of the comment itself. To set out to be a comedian is like setting out to be an intellectual, and ought, like intellectual, to have mostly a pejorative sense. And if the amusement is out of proportion to the idea, then it is rather like an emotion out of proportion to its object, which is the definition of the sentimental. Sentiment -- sentimental, intellect -- intellectual, wit -- humorous are perhaps corresponding pairs of virtue and vice.

call me ishmael said...

I don't watch more than a few accidental minutes of Boyle and his ilk - Jo Brand's knob and tampon schtick and Oxbridge Al Murray's 'pub landlord ridicule of the lower orders come to mind - I am not its target audience but it's necessary, I think, for us to damn its dark laziness. I don't know if it's knowable by the the critical tools you mention,mr tdg. They are long before my time but Boyle's current antics and those of his producers remind me not of comedy but of Brownshirt or Nuremberg rallies; hatred, intolerance and bigotry nouvelle, goosestepping in jester's clothes. I don't think it's funny no more.

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, mr mike but I don't drink any longer. I do keep trying but the glass just won't reach my lips. It's nothing puritan, dunno what it is. If the Euro results are a spectacular, savage, hospitalising arse kicking of the unGodly that will be intoxicant enough.

Mike said...

What with Sid like a stag rampant, the tories in complete meltdown, October fast approaching, and a GE all but inevitable .....well the kaleidoscope has been given a swift and violent turn.

call me ishmael said...

I said some years back that I could see Rory Stewart replacing CallHimDave, maybe he'll replace Tracey, I think he's the only one with even a fingernail grip on sanity.

Sid's sense of self has certainly been enlarged, mr mike and would do him no favours in a general election. Doesn't matter, the LibLabCon scam is finished and that's good enough for me.

Notwithstanding, given the recent Steel revelations, given Clegg joining GlobaCorp and given Austerity how could any decent person vote for the obnoxious, foxtrotting, senile nitwit, Cable and his kiddyfucking gang?
Truly amazing.

mongoose said...

Today is the day, is it not, when we will see how far we have come. It doesn't really matter who gets to sit on what seat. It only matters how many entitled arses are prised from theirs. This is about beginnings and maybe this is the beginning of the PPE droid, the House of Kinnock, the petty mafia of ENA and INSEAD, the little Adolfs of the "Papers, Please" Burgeramt. So don't expect too much but be content that it has properly started at long last.

I don't think that there will be a GE, Mr Mike, but then I didn't think that Tracy would propose taxing the Conservative grannies houses off them last time. So what do I know of the Tories anymore?

Such rich panto at the Beeb though. Caught a prat earlier asking how Trump could eff off to the sumo when he was so at risk of impeachment at home. Not a whisper of understanding has yet broken through and it's been almost three years since it started. Cannot wait for the visit. It's going like something Hogarth and Swift put together after a night on the tiles with William Burroughs. Popcorn needed!

Anonymous said...

Funny you should namecheck Burroughs, Mr Mongoose, in the context of DT. I've mentioned this here before, but it's worth repeating for any freshly minted Ishmaelites - one of Burroughs' routines describes a small-town election rally where the candidate's wife sits there with an expression suggesting "she is getting fucked in the ass and trying not to pay it any mind."
Fast forward 30 years (give or take) and FLOTUS is an anagram of prim anal mute. Illustrations by Hogarth, rhyming version by the Dean.


Tdg said...

One advantage of appointing Rory Stewart is disarming complaints about Putin's intelligence service origins, which he shares. But neither he nor most of the others standing for election now truly want or expect to land the job: this is just posturing to secure a better ministerial post later. They know BJ is happy to drink the poisoned chalice, and we are all happy to see him down it, because he does not care, and neither do we any more. It will be even worse after the (no)deal is struck, and all this upheaval is shown to be mere hysteria, for nothing will change -- nothing can change -- in a world whose ideas are as fixed ours.

call me ishmael said...

Yep, tha's why I come here, for the comments.

Mike said...

Mr Mongoose: the reason I think a GE is almost inevitable is that Mays departure doesn't change the fact that the HoC is predominately remain. If new PM Boris, for example, tries to go for no deal, Hammond et al have already said they will table a motion of no confidence, which with Labour and some Tory support would be passed. Thus a GE. On the other hand, there is now way a new deal can be agreed and passed by October. Same scenario leading to GE. After the BREXIT victory in the EUs a further delay is unimaginable. All roads lead to a GE. If Sid maintains his form then the next Parliament should be a riot.

call me ishmael said...

Then they had better call it ASAP, not allow Sid to recruit and prepare 600+ candidates, a big task.

mongoose said...

Apologies, Mr Mike, I missed that.

They are aiming for a revocation. Only that stops the clock. A GE could not be fought on the present stats but if a Brexit PM agreed a deal to divide the 200 most vulnerable labour seats 50:50 with Sid with no competitive splitting of the vote, the game would be over for a generation. Sid would get his Brexit and a political force, not to mention become Foreign Secretary. The Magic Grandpa would be eviscerated. WTO Brexit could be rammed through. The Tories and Brexit could unite leaving a few Trots, a rump of Dogshooters and a few Greens. The SNP could go fuck themseves. It would be 450: 150 in the Commons. Game finished.

None of them have the balls though do they?

And you'll have seen Bercow turning the screw earlier today.