Monday, 26 June 2017


Good evening.

 And welcome to News as Treason.
 And we're joined in the studio by the man who would be Queen,
 I mean King. 

Some call him the Space Cowboy, 
some call him the Gangster of Love; 
 that ishmael chap calls him the Foxtrotting Nitwit 
but we know him as Sir Vince Cable.
That's Doctor Sir Vince, Emily,
 always best to get these things right, dearie. 
Oops, waddamIlike? 
OK,  Doctor Sir Vince, former Coalition Business Seckaterry, you've thrown your, I must say, quite wonderful hat 
into the ring in the contest for the leadership  of the Federation of Dogshooters, Queerbashers, ChildMolesters, ShitEaters,  ToiletLingerers, Perjurers and Conspirators Against The Course of Justice....
And Pledge Breakers, don't forget that;
 best, Emily, as I said, to get these things right, and actually, it's Tory-supportingPledge Breakers, to be accurate.
 I think you'll find most Progressive politicians are Tory, these days.
 I mean, Jeremy Corbyn? 
Magic Money Tree? 
Need I say more?
Do you have a manifesto, 
Dr Sir Vince, for your leadership bid?
Well (in pained, testy, I-Know-Best tones) the first thing we must do is review the position of the voters...
What, other party members...?
No, no, of course not,
 the other voters,
 the ones out there,
 who have been such a disappointment. 
 I mean, just because people were born here, have worked all their lives here,  have paid taxes here, have fought for civil rights, have taught and helped shape the nation,  have perhaps borne arms and fought for this country, doesn't mean that they should always have a vote in our elections. 
 I mean, all these old people voting for events which won't effect them, 
it is absolutely indefensible. 
And that's why I'm standing,
 to represent the young people.

But you're over seventy.......

Please let me finish without constantly interrupting me. 
Thank you.
 Not only will we scrap the right of people over thirty to vote at all, thus at a stroke creating a fairer, more liberal Britain.......
But this is tyranny isn't it, the death of universal suffrage, of representative democracy...

(wearily) Well, that, frankly, is what I would expect of Newsnight. And no, frankly, it's not tyranny, it is simply a matter of  Progressive policy adjustment.  
If you continue to allow the vote to people who fail to take the advice of those who know better than them.....

You mean you?

Well, as the leader-to-be of the most Progressive of parties that is exactly who I mean, who else would I mean, that ninny, Susan Farron?
Well, apart from disenfranchising the majority........

Oh, no, no, no, dearie, it's not about just preventing the wrong people voting. 
It's about when  even the right people vote wrongly the result of such an election will be reviewed by a panel of the Great and the Good.
You mean you? 

Well, dearie, if my hat fits, don't you think I should wear it..... the result, anyway, will be reviewed by a panel of the Great and Good and corrected. 
This will save a great deal of money as we shall no longer have to keep having referenda until we get the right decision.
It's Progressive Democracy.
So I hope that's settled  my constitutional position but a truly progressive party such as mine will not stop there. 
It is high time for drastic change in social policy....
Such as? 
Well, and not before time, I should say, in my judgement,  we will drastically restrict the right to marriage, making it available  to homosexuals only. 
And transexuals of course.
 I mean, it's simply indefensible that the heterosexual minority has hogged marriage all to itself, all these centuries, and it is high time, in my judgement, that they stopped having their own way.
Straight people, in other words, will not be allowed to marry?
Not allowed to marry, not allowed to vote and they will be taxed at a higher rate than ordinary, decent LGBTQ folks.
It's called Progressive Liberal Democracy.
Well, of course, once we have remedied the catastrophic Brexit result, of which, I must say, all those who voted for it were simply too stupid to understand what they were doing and so their votes shouldn't count; once we're back to normal we will, of course. give  the foreited  UK voting rights to all the homosexuals and other progressive types in Europe, the Inkies and Uglies, and allow them to properly influence our country as they want.
And the economy?
Well, as I never tire of saying about anyone who disagrees with Progressive Austerity, there is (wearily)  simply no magic money tree, there is no magic money tree, well, look, there is no magic money tree, that's Corbynism, that is, the magic money tree, pure and simple, Corbynism, that's what it's all about, there simply is no magic money tree.
And that's your economic policy?

Well, now, dearie, 
speaking as a Tory myself,  
you know I have to agree with Missus Andrea Wotsaname; 
 you really aren't very patriotic, are you? 
 I mean, do you know who I am? 
 Do you know that I personally have saved more bankers than anyone else?

So there was a magic money tree for the bankers, then?

 Well, (irritatedly) of course there was. 
 There can't be one for disabled people, say, because they don't make anything.

And bankers make....? 

Well, bankers make money for us.

 Well, more accurately they don't make it, they just borrow it into existence and lend it on to people who can't afford to pay it back, isn't that right Dr Sir Vince, all money comes from the Magic Money Tree; it's just that not everybody can stand underneath it, otherwise there'd be no point in being rich, like you, would there,  if everyone was rich?

Well, dearie, in my judgement, history will be kinder to George Bukkake and David PigFuck and myself than you might think.
 It was a tough call to make but I didn't shrink from it.
 It's what you'd expect from a knight and a doctor. 

Burning the wheelchairs, closing the libraries and increasing the Bankers' bonuses at a rate diametrically opposed to their honesty.  Its called Progressive, liberal  politics, dearie, robbing the poor to give to the rich.
That was Sir Vince Cable there, for us.  
Yeah, past the old cunt's bedtime. 
Now, there's proper patriotism for you.


Gasky said...

Another tour de force, one, Vince Cable shaped nail, hit firmly on the head.

call me ishmael said...

Of all of them, mr gatsky, I find Cable the most annoying, how can any sane person vote for him more than once? It used to be Hartlepool which had the pigshitstupidest electorate in the country, clothcappers repeatedly electing metropolitan cocksucker and crook, Pete Mandelstein but even those obedient retards have been surpassed by Cable voters. I'd send them all to Libya, them and their kids and their elderly parents; let them be LiberalDemocrats where the Coalition has intervened.

mongoose said...

The Shooters, eh? What can you do with them? I told mg2 about the tale after she had voted and she did not believe me. I pointed her to Peter Cook's skit first, of course. Apart from the covert sexuality - which kids just do not understand, thank god - she was incensed not by the corruption but by there still being a "Liberal" anyone with its shameless head out in the light of day.

Brexit will happen btw. Though it will be something else by the same name. The EU is breaking up. It must. A 1980s two-speed Europe is upon us as a last bulwark against the inflooding water. The Brits, bastards that they are, are already counting the break-up winnings. The fuckers have always understood that money is made at the margin. Change, doubt and worry can be made cash. The Remoaners are just yesterday's snufflers, snouts in yesterday's almost empty trough, looking backwards down the highway.

Gasky said...

Thanks to you MrIsh, I now, even in polite company, refer to them as "The dogshooters and shiteaters party". Slowly but surely, it will pass into common vernacular.

yardarm said...

Dancing fool Cable was always Pansy Gideon`s bumboy, doing the dirty work while his Top Hated betters laughed their balls off over the old duffer`s lust for office and monumental self importance. The silly old cunt is utterly irrelevant.

callmeishmael said...

Sorry, I cannot post presently due to Blogger shit

call me ishmael said...

Oh, apparently I can.

You can always read to her, mr mongoose, edited highlights from The Scum Also Rises, ishmael passim, perhaps as a bedtime story. That should clear her mind a little.

I agree that there will be some cosmetic attempt to enact a form of Brexit but that it will take the re-emergence of Sid Farage to ensure that we are not force fed some watered-down porridge and not the Rosbif for which we voted.

call me ishmael said...

I think it was mr mongoose who first reminded us, years back, mr gatsky, of the animal -murdering activities of senior Liberals, and before him it was the late, great Auberon Waugh, in the Filth-o-Graph, who not only coined the term but actually stood against Thorpe on such an election platform; the shit-eaters, I fear, and the rest of it, are from my own sick mind, maybe that of my old friend, stanislav, a young Polish plumber. Whoever's their coinage, I hope you are right.

call me ishmael said...

I think his bumboy role, mr yardarm, is revealed in the 'photos chosen, every picture tells a story. This pointless old tosser, suddenly elevated to high office, journailsts hanging on his every whining word. "Lust for office and monumental self-importance" the catechism of every Lib/LibDem in my lifetime.

Anonymous said...

Your mind's not sick, Mr Ish, just tainted a little by life. (As for the secondary - some might say number two - Libname; wasn't it something to do with Mark Oaten?)


call me ishmael said...

Yeah, Oaten, it was, mr verge. As LibDem shadow Home Seckaterry he was going to stamp-out prostitution although he was then seeing a rentboy for copraphagia. He subsequently excused himself on the grounds that his hair was falling out and he was upset by it. As I recall, his Mrs stood by her (shit-breathed) man. That Hundred and Forty Days of Sodom, you know, it's not a work of imagination, is it?

Mike said...

Here, Down Under, we just have normal politicians - you know, the corrupt kind. And a couple have just been locked up for a few years - another one of our Aussie foibles.

Something strange about British politics. Maybe Les Frogs come a close second - Macro and his mum take some explaining, though my French friend says he's gay.

call me ishmael said...

'Course he's gay, and she's a fag hag, mr mike. Are there any Macron froglets? Make my flesh creep, they do, I wouldn't be surprised if they were fucking lizards, in makeup. You know that FatMan Salmond's wife is literally old enough to be his mother, as is Gnasher's husband? It's OK, none of my business, age-discordant marriages, it just seems that those political marriages are top-heavy with weirdness.

call me ishmael said...

Old enough to be her father, that is.

call me ishmael said...

A propos Vince, the vile old duffer, I expect Jo Swinson will allow herself to be persuaded, in the interests of the nation, to stand for leader, once the full, ghastly horror of Cable is more widely exposed. Young-ish, a woman, Scottish, no toilet history - apart from the collective party Hosannahing of Cyril Nonce, that is - and could probably pass for LGBTQ; even if she's not she'd pretend to be, in the interests of the nation. That's what they're all about, the shit-eaters. Did Vince receive the usual forty-grand ministers' bung, when he lost his seat, last time? I expect so. Probably an MP's resettlement allowance, too, from the Magic Money Tree.

Woman on a Raft said...

Mrs May has been following your fashion notes, Mr Ishmael. Today we got a neatly fitted sober suit, white t-shirt with a scoop neck, somewhat silly necklace, and plain shoes.

A vast improvement, as if she had grown up overnight. Who knows, being an optimist, maybe this has finally taught her to get on with the job. Or it might be I've over-dosed on Yorkshire tearoom and am high on cherry scone.

call me ishmael said...

Yo, lady mariner; I notice Emily has toned it down a bit, too, of late, no micro- skirts, so bondage gear, perhaps its a - waddatheycallit - a trend, which I understand is now also a verb - to trend, it's like tend but very different. Even although she seems a little more confident I doubt that Tracey's competence has increased in line with her modesty and so I that your optimism will be a symptom of the Yorkshire Tearoom Feel Like I'm Fixin' T'Die Pastries Overdose Blues, the Sugar Rush of Doom.

Doug Shoulders said...

Cable? Wasn’t he the one who promoted quantative money printing but couldn’t predict what would be the result? But we’ll have more of it anyway, there being a shortfall in bonuses via the normal route.
How to really tank an economy:-
First: Tank the economy, then, really tank the economy by magicing up some money.
But here’s the beauty of it; the banks that create the fake money, get the real stuff back.

mongoose said...

I noticed Theresa's apparent ease at PMQs. She was a different animal - calmer, nicer even. Medication organised, rested, and sugar levels less bouncy maybe. What do I know about diabetes? Nothing. There but for the grace of. Anyway Jezza was his usual wooden useless self. And the new SNP lad was just so wickedly a poor imitation of yon Angus who we have just lost that I felt sorry for him.

May I venture once again that, dog-shooting aside, the essence of liberality surely is that a liberal only has rules for himself and not for anyone else. The liberality is what a liberal grants everybody else, not takes for himself necessarily. It's manners almost, isn't it? Crossing the road of life before you have to so that the lady with the pram coming the other way doesn't have to struggle. We don't let our convenince inconvenience others. We leave them free to get on with their lives unhindered, unlectured and having not noticed. But don't tell Lady Cable or she'll get the vapours.

M Macron is a cipher. A stooge. It'll end like The Wicker Man.

Anonymous said...

Further to your 100 days of Sodom meme, "Emmanuel Macron" anags nicely in Froglish to:

"meaner, Ma, mon cul" (which speaks for itself)


"more uncle, Maman?" (a lizard-boudoir version of "more tea, vicar?")


mongoose said...

Evensong for you.

call me ishmael said...

Fine words, mr mongoose, we should all stay free from petty jealousies, live by no man's code and hold our judgement for ourselves but sorrowfully and wickedly, even our words are hijacked and shanghaied, bent to vile purpose by Ruin's filthsters, if you say Liberal most will think: Nick Clegg, Virtue's self-appointed warrior. We need a new phraseolgy a new poetry, the New People must coin one, our musings are like ancient history, elderly evangelism.

I am remaking my byre at the moment, a massive project which I can only manage in careful, pain-soddden chunks, aided at every step by mr de walt's magical toolbox; even so, resiting my radial arm saw, yesterday, I went too far, constant drawing on Zen ingenuity AND remnants of brute strength eventually depleting even me, a man who can accomplish things, leaving me in a state of almost complete collapse, and that was just grandiose DIY, not a General Election campaign, not a global renegotiation.

Type 1 diabetes, it'll be the death of me, and Tracey, too; she should lay down her strident tune, before she deafens us all.

call me ishmael said...

Still haven't been to the head doctor then, mr verge? There will be a treatment, I am sure, for your filthy affliction. I shall pray for you.

call me ishmael said...

Cable's economics, mr shoulders, are simply the privatisation of profit and the nationalising of debt, it really is magic.

call me ishmael said...

Nothing very Ulster-Scots about that, and we invented Appalachia, Copeland's music is always nice enought,though; him and Lenny - and Elmer - Bernstein, never can think of any other US classical composers worth tuppence.

mongoose said...

The first piece of classical music that i ever understood, mr ishmael. Dear me, I was at school. I may even have still been a descant choirboy.

De Walt is good kit, the saws especially so, but the batteries are not so good - in my experience anyway. Then again, the whole cordless palaver is designed to sell more batteries so maybe it is not by accident. Back in the day, and not so long after the above musical experience, my dad gave be a second-hand variable speed Bosch (corded, hammer) drill and with a decent bit in it, it will still drill a hole through anything without the slightest protest. Bloody thing is at least 40 years old.

Unknown said...

Dear Mr Ishmael, I am a frequent reader here and infrequent commenter. Suffice it to say that I enjoy your output and witty comments from your audience immensely. It therefore grieves me when you state "Type 1 diabetes, it'll be the death of me".

I will therefore take an immense liberty, and assume you might be unaware of the following:

This blogger seems to have studied blood glucose processes, diet and a monitoring system that any individual could implement. Have I adopted it? No, therefore I will understand if you think I am talking nonsense.

I offer it purely as information which you may or may not wish to research further.

The website offers quite a bit of advise related to diabetes.

Doug Shoulders said...

All my gear is Bosch Mr Mongoose. I do have a Makita cordless but find it a bit ferocious. It’s surprisingly light for the amount of oomph it puts out. It’s a two battery affair with a torch which can use the other battery
Bought a Bosch cordless on special offer from B&Q thirty years ago which is still going strong. It’s still the one I prefer to use.
Dewalt and Makita are for the professionals and Bosch is for the DIYer that knows what he’s doing.
When we moved into the house my father in law got us a Bosch corded and yet another cordless. This cordless has a light on it. I haven’t decided whether that feature is handy or not. It’s got two batteries though.
I used all three when putting up some fencing the other week. Kept tripping over them so thought a tool belt might be in order. That might just be going too far though…

call me ishmael said...

Thanks, Mr Cromwell, I will look at that. My point about type 1 diabetes related to my observations, earlier, on Tracey May's saying, upon being diagnosed, that she would, like a good head girl, just get on with it, as one does, an observation which i felt to be both patronising and stupid.

call me ishmael said...

I must always have had the Friday afternoon Bosch tools, mr doug, for I have never had a good experience of them, their garden tools, however, are amazing, I have a new battery hedge trimmer and a fantastic big mains shredder which I am sure would grind the Empire State Building to fine chips, failed Bosch 'drivers and multi-tools, though, litter the place.

I have an ancient deWalt (Elu) table saw and a deWalt (Elu) radial arm saw, both of which I have had for over twenty years and they have been wondrous reliable, worth every penny. deWalt/Elu are owned, incidentally, by Black and Decler. The lithium batteries, mr mongoose, are now being used extensively in California, to store renewable energy and exist, also, in some small domestic settings in the UK, merans you can really get off the grid, I love 'em, me, those batteries, I have two and five-hour types and powered by either, my new deWalt nailer and chunky drill-driver are fantastic. I tried the comparable Milwaukee driver but it didn't compare to the deWalt, which was a hundred pounds more but hugely more powerful. I simply can't hold my heavy duty mains drills but the deWalt, with a side handle attached, will drill through anything.

I like Makita, too, I have one of those lightweight 18volt drills, which mr doug mentions; I have the 10 volt pair - drill and impact driver - which is tremedous around the house - and mrs ishamel uses it, readily, and there's the Makita compound mitre saw which I also keep in the house. Overall, though, if I was buying it all again, I would choose deWalt, garish as it is, and much fetishised by the gay builders' community, my experience of the earlier mains saws and the current lithium battery tools is uniformly favourable.

On the other hand, I bought a compound mitre saw from Lidl, just to chop firewood, for about seventy quid, and it is fabulous and I would commend it to anyone just developing an interest in doing stuff. Tools, eh, I used to look at women, now I look at Screwfix catalogues.