Tuesday, 12 May 2015


 My fellow Limey motherfuckers. I have today congratulated  your new President, Dave Whoosits, the barbecue guy, on beatin' the ass off the communists  and I extend to him and the Conservative people of Southern England my very best wishes for a long period of rioting, civil war  and nigger-shooting.
Cos that's what coming. 
Them four million nazis, they ain't gonna sit still fer all this shit.  I mean, four million a the sonsafuckingbitches voted for the final solution and they didden get but one congressman elected.
That'd be bad shit even here, in the land of the free.

I unnerstand, from Seckatry Kerry, yeah, the dude with the serial facelifts, yeah, and the big hair, yeah, and the phoney teeth, yeah, that guy, yeah, the one who got President Hillary Trouserses job, at State, yeah, 

Typical American girl-next-door, 
with a billion dollars to spend

so's she could go get her ass transplanted to her face, 

I wanna champion the liddel people.

in time for her turn, here, in the White House, yeah, that's right, with Spunky Bill, as First Lady, yeah, great days ahead. No, he don't smoke cee-gars no more, not after his heart by-pass, but I'm sure he'll find sumpn to amuse the young interns,  yeah, he coulda used legal Havanas now, shame, he's a helluva guy, Spunky Bill. An' you know what, my fellow Limey motherfuckers, here in the US of A, people're  plumb delighted  to death at the thought of there bein' a nasty old dyke, like my good friend Hills,  in the White House, hissin' an' spittin' an' hairpullin'. Yeah, a real psychobitch, like that one in the Scotch White House. Yeah, Nicky Gnasher, I know she's married, 

to that fat, pasty, sick-lookin'  guy, about seventy fuckin' years old, yeah, one foot in the grave,  who runs  the Tribesmen, yeah, an' she staggers about on them high heels, like she was in the whore business but fuck me Jesus, if that scrawny little bitch  ain't munchin' the  Tartan carpet my name ain't  Barak Hussein Obama.

 Talkin' awhich, as Seckatry Kerry was sayin', them Scotch niggers're all gay, dressin' up in skirts and paintin' each others assholes blue, I mean, c'mon, how fag is that?

An' Seckatry Kerry says, there's sixty  a them blue-ass fairies and diesels, all a-marchin' on the London White House right now, the Scotchmen elected sixty of 'em, to give my barbecue partner a hard time in the Limey Congress. Well, he got any sense, he'll open up a branch a Camp Guantanamo, down there, in the Isle of White, and rendit their blue Scotch fag asses down there for a bit of education, 'bout how democracy really works.  

I mean, special relationship's all very well, but not with a country run by cross-dressin ladymen, fuck no. You Limeys can rely on me, those fuckers start playing up an' Uncle Sam be over there an' sail the Sixth motherfuckin Fleet right up the fuckin' Clyde. See what them Scotchmen make a that nuclear deterrent. 
Fuck with  my Trident missiles? 
 I'll fry their fucking asses.


Bungalow Bill said...

That photograph of them all smarming and smirking round the cabinet table, getting down to business in the undying cause of money; a great, fat vacuum where the heart and soul should be.

Dave and Barry, and their teams. If they weren't so unutterably stupid you might see them as Satan's own. Mind you, perhaps that's exactly the trick he's pulling.

Fuck them.

Doug Shoulders said...

Neither do I think that Obama is as dumbass as he pretends. In GB parlance he’s a wide boy. A hoppertunist who hoppertuned to be representative of the moneygrubbers.

I LOL'd loudly at that Mr.I

call me ishmael said...

I am half-serious, if the bitter, wee gabshite, Gnasher, tries to destabilise Trident then Uncle Sam, who commands it, will see Scotland as a rogue state, like Cuba and independent Scotland will be run by those nice gentlemen from the CIA.

Mike said...

I read from afar that Gnasher and fat Alex are still trying to talk up the Scotch gig.

Well, unless Dave wobbles (a high possibility) the SNP are irrelevant, and should be told to fuck off, forthwith.

It was clear he intended to deal with Scotland when his first statement was that he intended to rule for the whole of the UK - translation: those Scots are about to get shatfted.

Alphons said...

I see the Scottish desire to leave the union very much like the UK desire to leave the EU, for very much the same reasons.
I think the UK as a whole could do so successfully but I'm fairly sure a diet of whiskey and porridge would be insufficient for lasting success.

Doug Shoulders said...

If an independent Scotland would be construed as steppin’ outta line. Then we’d be fucked. Witness those countries who have done so and have had to have “democracy” brought to them.
(“We” meaning those who live in Scotland that are not part of the SNP…the ones that work for a living)

call me ishmael said...

And in the event of separation there would be the Schengen Agreement, by which we in Scotland would be bound, resulting in an iron curtain between us and England, silly wee bitch.

I was also thinking that, even though it is largely foreign-owned, a surtax, in a few countries, like the US and the rUK, would destroy that whiskey trade, mr alphons. No shortage in the world of over-priced loonyjuice. Oil, too, for several reasons provides a volatile revenue stream, which woukd leave us sweet biscuits, from which to build the new McJerusalem

They are being watched closely, mr mike, in MediaMinster, some of thise who voted for them last week saying that if they fuck about down there they'll be thrown out, next year, up here, although it is difficult to see a Holyrood opposition to the current one-party state.

We, although far from wealthy would be, already are, the targets of Mr Swinney as he holds up his vote in SchemeysLand, taking from the workers to fatten the idle blue-arses, so long oppressed by Lord Barnett.

call me ishmael said...

I don't know if you, like me, mr doug shoulders, have followed Alex's Adventure's in TrumpLand, during which the FatMan has sold-off chunks of the Scotland he claims to love to filthy, greedybastard bullyboys but I am sure that selling the Highlands and Islands would be first among his priorities as his separatist economy tanked.

They do need to be stopped but I don't know how.

Alphons said...

It looks to me as though if every member of the Scottish Parliament and every Scottish MP in Westminster attended their respective place of "work" most of Scotland would be empty.

call me ishmael said...

Don't forget, mr alphons, the A & E departments , filled with battered wives, every Valentine's Day , and every time there's an Old Firm footba' match, they do great husiness from poor wee Jock. Driven, by the events at Culloden, to beat his wife and abuse his kids, it's fair awfu' wit England's done to the puir wee man.

I am in Dundee, today, maybe I should go out and get in a fight with a Tribesman, it being the only language they understand.

SG said...

A fine and savagely funny post Mr I. However, as ever, a serious undercurrent too, I think. Your point about Uncle Sam is well made. To me, the SNP appear to inhabit a bi-polar world consisting only of evil, imperialist England who've colonised poor, wee but plucky Scotland - robbing it of its resources to fund such evil projects as 'Trident' (100 billion pooonds on a weapon system that'll never be used blah, blah, blah... would they rather it were?). The fuckwits don't appear to see that there are other actors on the scene who also have an interest in the outcome of this, as yet, unarmed 'struggle'.

Anonymous said...

Your instincts are in good company - JG Ballard wrote a short story ("Theatre of War") transplanting Nam to England, tooled-up septic "advisors" helping paras slot the rebs. (An updated version would probably have the Fuckpig Trump in khaki as an honorary Colonel, calling in airstrikes from his tartan bunker...or is that old news already?)


yardarm said...

Fuck knows what could happen, Mr Ishmael. The future of the nation is being decided and main players are utterly out of their depth but with this shower they`d be out of their depth in a dry gully. In the Gobi desert. In summer.

Fat Alec, torn between vainglory and greed: we`ve heard nothing from him since the Skirtsmen went south so he`s already in the restaurant piling up the expenses. Gnasher, too thick to realise she hasn`t got a mandate for independence and Cameron, a thick, lazy snob.

With their track record fuck knows what might happen. Better dig out that Norwegian flag, Mr Ishmael.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, that's it, mr sg, they really do think that they can lowerlip and stamp their feet at the entire world, as though anyone but them gives a fuck about a couple of skirmishes with tribesmen in mediaeval Britain, stupid fucking inbred mutant retards.

Not far off, mr verge, i will try to find the footage of Trumps goons misbehaving in Aberdeenshire, with the blessing of the FatMan.

I already thought of that, mr yardarm, as have many others in Orkney.

mongoose said...

McDiscipline seems to have held together for the first week. Though we have the trials of the Poundlanders and the Luvvies set to keep us entertained for a while. (Check out poor, dead Chuka's pedigree if you have a moment to spare. Laugh? I thought I'd choke.) The Gnasher/WeeEck schism is to my eye a put-up job. Whether it will stay that way when Father Alex is showing his cubs around the new lair remains to be seen. With Nicky all alone up in the snow, the show will definitely be in London soon.

The Tories have been curiously silent and non-triumphal this week. There was just one cameo from a new droid on the radio who said that the masterstroke was the bigging up of the tribesmen - fatally undermining Labour in Scotland - and the Tories concentrating on killing the LDs so that they could keep control. I don't believe that last. The LD seats in the shires were Tory blue on loan and to win for the most part, and likewise the Scottish ones were Labour red for them to lose to the SNP. But it was a good try. I missed his name but a calm, collected individual. (Be careful out there in the dark. The Tories are regrouped.) When boundary changes come, then the game is changed for the foreseeable. The arithmetic is a disaster for Labour and is the end of the LibDems. (God rot them if they rename themselves Liberals as they step off the cliff.) It does seem as if Cameron bet the house on the ScoRef, leaving his opponents nowhere to go but to stand with him. And he won. Now they're "Red Tories" (and yellow ones too) and all are dust. And Labour will have to back the Tories in any new Scottish unpleasantness. Even the strident chatter on Trident has gone away, as it must. How many thousand Glaswegian families rely on it for their porridge?

The EU is the last hurdle standing. So why has Cameron said that two terms will be his limit? I think the northern Europeans are going to dump the southern. If you lean your head out far enough, you can see it's the two speed Europe of the 1980's - that's one stopped and one in reverse. Jeez, Maggie might win 25 years after the EU-loons did for her. You heard it here last.

Bungalow Bill said...

There's a heartening article in the Guardian Culture section today about the activities of an architectural outfit and their renovation, with local people, of a very difficult area of Toxteth. The project is in line for the Turner prize. The group seems to work around the country doing this sort of thing.

It sounds horrendous and one worries that a visit from Brian won't be far away, but I think it is an example of how we might yet pull through.

And not a politician in sight.

DtP said...

Pretty sure Cammo got coked up this weekend - and why not seems perfectly fair. It's kind of sweet that the main fare is ECHR and the NHS, that's good politics dude. Everyone look at that and spunk money on that whilst the debt goes fucking mental. Clegg talked about investing in mental health policy - job done to the cunt. Ah, to be a Lib Dem voter, it's like being a genuine twat isn't enough unless hatred of alternative be held.

The EU thing is lovely. Everyone's - me included - is speculating as to what Ukip will do or what the SNP will do; who gives a fuck, there's a referendum, a plebicite, a vote of all peoples. It's cheap fun. Salmond writing off all Jock's council or Poll Tax arrears helps a bit on the old electoral register - getting cunty about 16 year old's just looks pervy.

Hope all's well, Sir. I have been massively shafted at work but have to run a wank corporate meeting on fucking Queens Speech day and these boys may accidently do well with no opposition but the people - hopefully through media cynicism. Maybe this is the genuine bottom of British Politics. Ukip was borne off deciet, off Lisbonic legelastive legerdemain by proxy. Cast Iron Dave was forced by sovereignty of the people. The guy's not a crack head, he knew that executive and choice had been torpedoed. Let events be events.

He has no reason to deal quick - they've presumably got 'elections'.

SG said...

I trust that your absence is merely symptomatic of you taking some shore-leave Mr I, rather than anything untoward?

call me ishmael said...

Sorry, I was away just for a few days, mr sg and came back to an IT nightmare and haven't been able to get on for another few days. Have now jury-rigged a system, as we mariners say, having stopped short of reaching for the Mental Hygiene Hammer of Expensive Vengeance and smashing everything into shards of plastic and silicone.