SCOTLAND, BEST PART OF ENGLAND. A WEE DRAM BUT NO' FER NED

Scotland uber alles.

Ve haff vays ov making you sober.

Nicola Moustache, blabbermouth Scottish health seckatry,

 kisses the McFuhrer, Alex Fatman.

Throughout history, across the globe, wherever two or three have gathered together thay have found something to ferment, distil, evaporate, cook or blend  and then drink, chew, smoke, inhale, shove up their arses or by any other means ingest and alter the consciousness of the consumer.  A consciousness unaltered, one might say, is a consciousness wasted.

Such preparations - booze, hallucinogenics, stimulants, narcotics and such  have been  deployed to purposes sacramental, inspirational,  aphrodisiacal and martial and are inextricably linked to our  species' development. Some have fasted, others have whirled themselves into catatonia, some, even,  have flogged themselves into a painful bliss of profound religiosity. And increasingly dictatorial bureaucrats have feared and attempted to stamp-out unlicensed, and untaxed intoxication.  Since the fifties, in our world, cops, lawyers and towering social reformers like Mrs Nancy Reagan

 IDIOT WINDS

 The Moon is in Saturn, Ronnie, with Aquarius rising, I think we should launch a War On Drugs.

If you say so sweet thing, you're the boss . Do we get to kill bad folks?  Nigras and such?

have been engaged in a formal War On (sic) Drugs;  the result of which is that drugs, as they call them, have never been so available, so cheap, so widely and regularly consumed.

Getting off one's head has been practised by priests, shamans, lovers, artists and warriors; wassailers, worshippers  and pilgrims alike  have drunk deep , responsible drinking is one of Presbyterianism's oxymorons and malt Has done more than Milton to justify God's ways to Man. Off course if it is scholars and poets, legislators and generals a-doing it, then pissheadness is infinitely justifiable but these days, here, in bonny Scotland, being wrecked is what we now call the dee-fault setting of that swelling congregation which former deputy prime minister, Prescott

 

Them kids in the Underclass, they just dunno 'ow to be'ave 'emselves,

says bloated, drunken,  sexual predator, John Pies. 

Keeper of NewLabour's working class conscience.

 happily calls - to his eternal shame, the rotten, bloated arsehole - the Underclass;  what the VIctorians called the Impotent Poor and what Holyrood's scurvy, noncing, pisshead politicos and hacks call NEDs - Never Employed Delinquents;  the unemployed, in other words, those entirely failed by successive generations of gibbering political stooges and arsehole financiers, and now victimised afresh  by  jive-talking, arriviste,  middle-class morality bandits, ensconced in their mortgaged granite sepulchres, sipping knowingly at their lustrous and patriotic single malts. Responsibly. As if intoxication was beneath them. Och, go on then, just another wee dram.

Life expectation in some parts of Scotland is as low as in the most backward and savage African states;  heart and liver disease stomp  across larger and younger swathes of the population and A&E units are swamped by ever younger victims of alcohol-related violence;  the courts, the jails and social servies departments are all floating-off on a tide of booze and piss; unable to arrest or ameliorate the drastic impacts of widespread alcoholism;  earnest liver surgeons appear almost weekly on JockNewsnight, each with their own ree-surch papers prophecying juvenile cirrhotic Armageddon.  It is as though the slick, sanitised, consumerist New Presbyteria is flawed, somehow, by oiks getting pissed or otherwise smashed.  Somehing must be done.

And hairy Glasgow lawyer Nicola Sturgeon is just the person to Do Things.  Christ fucking help us all, she never stops doing things, announcing things, busybodying  her dwarfish little arse off. Deputy to Rupert Murdoch's  FatFriend.,  Ali Salmond,  and his undoubted successor should his own fearful gluttony carry him sclerotically away to the Great Glen in the Sky, Ms Moustache has decided that alcohol in Scotland must now cost a minimum of fifty-pee per unit. Testily explaining her possibly illegal meddling in the hallowed free market, the wee fishwife  insists that overnight thousands of people will be saved, millions of pounds will be saved and Scotland, one of whose main exports - and main tourist attractions - is the  arcane and purportedly esoteric manufacture of lethhally toxic liquids - will become a paradise of clean-living abstinence.  And Narional Socialism, of course. All,  blessed by her intervention in matters outwith her remit, will be marching to a NewPuritan drum.  She is a pestilential fucking idiot, Sturgeon, and a creeping totalitarianiste nouvelle to boot.

People need jobs, young people need jobs and arseholes like Sturgeon, for decades, now, have been micromanaging their countries and regions so spectacularly badly that the former smokestack industries have been razed to the ground with fuck all to replace them, unless you happen to be one of the insufferable I-Know-Best political arselickers whose career opportunities multiply with every passing year.

The sobriety paradigm envisaged by this grubby little hen is that unemployed, hopeless and shat-upon youngsters who can now get pissed for a fiver will somehow, when the cost rises to a tenner all run up and down Sauchiehall Street signing the fucking pledge and joining the Salvation fucking Army, as big a shower of useless meddlesome shitbrains as the Scottish National Party -  fuck me, it's the twenty-first century and these crossdressing, belligerent, whining, inebriate turdbrains are banging on about nationalism as though it was the eighteenth; fucking nationalists, go on, name me a good one, how about Hitler, how about Mao, how about Stalin, how about the joined at the arse twins, Gerry Nonce and Marty Kneecaps, Irish nationalists and conflict resolution experts. God fucking help us all, many children in the world can't get a drink of water or a fucking aspirin and Salmond and his gang of nasty, narrow-minded hypocrites are banging on about the dawn of the Rob Roy Reich.

But soft, Sturgeon , conceited and overblown by a freakish electoral victory last year, has jumped the gun, this measure is as popular  and welcome as the pox in a nunnery. Those on a fixed income deplore it, why shouldn't they drink cheap booze in their dotage, the supermarkets deplore it, how dare Sturgeon fix their prices and clearthinking ordinary citizens- of whom there are disproprtionately many in Scotland, get the whiff of the jackboot.

There will rightly be legal challenges which one would expect Sturgeon to lose.  Ordinary peopleare bewildered and angry at this I-Know-Best meddling.,  The only people apparently unmoved by this ridiculous and impertinent  measure are its target, Scotland's disenfrachised, bloootered youth and they don't give a flying fuck  about anything Sturgeon says . Maybe if she banned free booze from govament and  diplomatic  and local council and QUANGO and public sector functions, then   NED, vomiting in the gutter,  might pay her some mind, until she does then he and most of the rest of us will tell her  to away and fuck yerself ye mangy wee gabshite.

Sturgeon.

Free booze for rich people. Expensive booze for poor people.
Haste ye back.
Arsehole.