WHAT THE PAPERS SAY. THE FILTH-O-GRAPH, AY VEE CAN RAISE THE DEAD.

The late Field Marshal Lord Paddy "Paddy" Pantsdown PC,  former Leadet of the Dogshooters, former UN Supreme Excellency in  Bosnia Herzegovena and all around arsehole, emerged from his crypt, yesterday, to say that the Tories shouldn't be cunting Mr Clegg over the referendum which isn't on everybody's lips, other than when they say, as most people do, if that worthless, shiteating, pussywhipped, mommasboy cocksucker,  Clegg,  is for it, I'm against it, whatever it is.

I was only unfaithful to my wife the once; alright, it was for seventeen years, but we've got over it, especially now that I'm dead.

Emerging from his tomb in the SAS regimental cemetery, Lord Pantsdown said that he had never heard such low jibes as those which the No campaigners were making about his leader, Mr Nick Cunt.  Even in the grave, he said, his piercing blue eyes  squinting  and staring into the distance, I can hear them, those fucking Tory cunts, making personal remarks about Nick Cunt, it really is too bad for those public school wankers, like that snooty cunt Osborne,  to be making personal remarks like that. When I was leader of my party I wouldn't have stood for the brownhatter, Simon Hughes, slagging-off Peter Tatchell for being gay when the fucker was gay himself,  the cunt, even though I did.

Asked about Mr Cunt's future, should he lose the referendum, which he will, Field Marshal Ashdown fixed his piercing blue eyes at a point far in the distance and  squinting against a Sun no-one else in the Any Questions studio  could see, said,  Well, I was a soldier y'know, so I know everything, and if I were him I would resign and spend more time with my filthy Dago family, leaving the party in the safe hands of an elder statesman, an old soldier who knows the ropes and can provide a steady pair of pants, I mean hands. Anything, after all, is better than being buried six feet below ground, as I normally am.