NEWS REVIEW.

 VIEWERS CALL FOR NO JACKO ZONE ON BRITISH TEEVEE.

OH FUCK, NOT HIM AGAIN.

FORMER GENERAL SIR MIKE "MIKE" JACKSON.

Urgent appeals were being made to the UK's broadcasting authorities as former General Sir Mike "Mike" Jackson threatened to over-run the airwaves.  It only needs a couple of coons having a punch-up in Dar Es Salaam and he's all over the shop again, gobbin' away in his deep brown voice, said Mr Wayne Prat of the skymadeupnewsandfilth viewers club.  Slobbing about in his pullover and crackin'-on like he was  Alexander the fucking Great, an old soldier like me shouldn't have to put up with this arsehole, said former lance bombardier Dusty "Dusty" Miller, 83, formerly of the Desert Rats,  they should declare a No-Jacko zone and enforce it with extreme prejudice.  Yeah, the minute he opens his trap they should bayonet him, said former corporal,  Chalky "Chalky" White.  I mean, I was in the desert with a proper general, Monty, bent as a nine-bob note he was, Monty, like most of them presbyterian Ulstermen, but you wouldn't catch him in front of a teevee camera,  I-know-besting, in his deep brown voice, like this cunt does.  Most of us have had enough of generals, one way and another, and if they don't declare a No-Jacko Zone sharpish there's no telling what might 'appen.  I mean I don't pay my teevee license to see this cunt popping up every five minutes, his hand out for money,  he should have enough money, greedy fucking bastard, dunno what the world's comin' to, me.

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MORE LEARNING TO SPEAK COALITION.

No Fly Zone = War

Protecting Libyan civilians = aerial bombardment, roasting alive hundreds of Libyan conscripts.

Protecting Libyan civilians,  = diverting domestic attention from prime ministerial shortcomings.

Listening to the people and reducing the price of petrol =  treating the people like idiots and raising the price of petrol.

Localism = all local decisions being taken by Eric Piggie Pickles,  the one too  fat and idle to make the ten mile journey to work.

Creating the conditions for economic growth = cutting economic growth; raising inflation and unemployment.

Safeguarding the health service = privatising the health service.

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HOLLYWOOD LEGEND DEAD.

Lady Sir Elton John and his husband, Mrs David Furnish,  were today said to be inconsolable over the loss of their dear friend,  Mrs Betty Taylor, an old slapper and fag-hag,  I don't know if Elton will be able to continue, said Ms Furnish,  what with Diana,  the two fashion designers,  the nutter, Whacko Jacko and now this mad old crow,  the poor man is beside himself with grief, quite unable to rewrite Candle In The Wind, breathing new life into this great number and into our joint bank account.  I expect he'll have a lot of tantrums but we must all be grown up about things, now that we've, quite naturally,  bought ourselves a son. You know, actually, we in the heterophobe community believe that buying a child in one's sixties is actually more normal than the way straight people do things. Me being an independent film maker, maybe my husband will allow me to make a film about his grieving process. Ms Taylor was married many times but, a child star, she was, like all of them, too far up her own arse to make a go of any of her marriages.  Or films.  We shall not gaze on her like again. With any luck.