MR NICK GIMP, MP, HM SECKATRY OF STATE FOR PERVERSION
AND DEPUTY PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM.
Are you asking me if we lost our deposit and had our foreskins sandpapered last night? Well, of course we didn't. Are you asking me were we beaten by people whose party HQ was in a shed in their garden? Well, of course we weren't. And if by some chance we were, I simply say that owing to us being a bunch of fucking imbeciles, jackals and shit-eating monsters people will try to write us off but I believe that all the copraphiliacs, BDSM merchants and fucked-up transsexual lunatics in the country know that we are in there, in govament, doing our level best to make the country a fairer and more inclusive place to live. And eat shit in. Vote LibDem if you want your arse whipped, that's what I say. Are you asking me if Mr Cameron beats me? Only when I need it. Did I tell you that I also slept with more than some women? Sorry must dash, important meeting about a No Fleas zone. Fleas, is it fleas, maybe it's flies, I dunno, been on holiday, yes, I geddit now, it's a no flies zone, somewhere, they don't want any flies flying over somewhere, aomething like that, but woddever, it'll be a very important meeting, especially if I'm there. I agree with Nick, that's myself. Cunt.
The LibDems' Tory candidate, Mr Dominic Nipple-Clamp Carman,
is led away from the Barnsley count, vowing to gimp another day.
- Dan Jarvis (Lab) 14,724
- Jane Collins (UKIP) 2,953
- James Hockney (C) 1,999
- Enis Dalton (BNP) 1,463
- Tony Devoy (Ind) 1,266
- Dominic Carman (LD) 1,012
- Kevin Riddiough (Eng Dem) 544
- Howling Laud Hope (Loony) 198
- Michael Val Davies (Ind) 60
Lab maj 11,771: Turnout 36.5%