Monday, 7 March 2011


In a Buckingham Palace crackdown on expenditure on petrol, His Most Serene Highness Prince Andrew has been told he must now walk everywhere, the greedy, idle bastard.

By the left, quick march.

  The way things are going in the Middle East, with the Muzzies,  said Queen Brenda,  the price of petrol could soon reach ten shillings a gallon,  the least one can do is insist that one's second son walks to these under-age sex engagements which he regularly performs on behalf of the whole nation.

Queen Brenda at work.


Fuck me, one's govament is a bunch of shit-eating nutters.

Commenting on the Duke of  Cock's association with a jailed nonce, the foreign seckatry, Mr William Fag said, Oh, it hardly matters, most people are gay these days, although I, obviously, am not; one need only look at my voting record on gay issues to realise that.  But I  am sure that Prince Andrew is doing an excellent job on behalf of the country. Just like me. As I have so, ah, clearly, ah, demonstrated abroad, in the, ah, matter of the, ah, small and perfectly understandable confusion  surrounding the role of the, ah, splendid gentlemen from the SAS, which is not my fault, even though it, ah, is.

The Make Andy Walk campaign was started after Coalition of Doom ministers decided that this week's wheeze would be them telling us how we must be "weaned off" oil, and be damn quick about it.  We must be weaned off oil just as we must be weaned off the idea that taxation is to pay for public services when, as everyone knows, it should be given to the rich. Another example of snooty idiocy, the idea is that we are all at fault for buying cars and heating our homes, naughty consumers. The deranged  transport seckatry, Mr Philip Handjob, below,

Transport seckatry, Mr Phil Handjob,MP,
working on his strategy

insists that by Wednesday, or 2035 at the latest, there will be a three-pin plug socket located every hundred yards along the motorway, enabling electric car drivers to charge-up their crappy vehicles every few minutes.  Other measures would include people filling their central heating oil tanks with broken, energy-saving light bulbs and everyone wearing a tiny windmill-hat on their heads as they go about their daily business of being poor and unemployed and in many cases homeless.  They wouldn't actually generate any electricity but they would be a signal of our commitment to a green,  sustainable, Tory future.  It's not a panacea, said Handjob,  jerkily,  there is no panacea.  But if I want to remain a  wanker, I mean a minister,  I have to be seen to be doing something.  Apart from tossing myself off, that is. Even if it's bollocks. Which it is.  I wanted to put up the speed limit. And now they want me to ban petrol cars altogether. Anyway,  he continued, spasming and wild-eyed, the three pounds fifty that we had ringfenced  for care of the elderly must now be diverted to the boardrooms of the oil industry in order to help them in their time of stratospheric profits.

Shitbrain energy supremo Mr Chris Who completely lost his marbles in  a speech last week. Mr Who warned that China was pouring money into developing a low-carbon economy while Britain lagged behind. "China will build 24 nuclear power stations in the time it takes us to build one. By 2020, their nuclear capacity will have increased tenfold," he said. "They will lay 16,000km of high-speed rail track in the time it takes us to go from London to Birmingham." (editor's note. it currently takes a couple of hours to go from Brum to London, not that anybody'd want to. What's this numpty on about? And what the fuck is he doing in govament?) Friends of the hapless Energy Minister said that since he had left his wife, Vicky,
Mr & Mrs Who-dat-dyke-in-de-marital-bed,
extolling the values of family life..

and moved-in with a lesbian he had not been the same. Ugly? She has a face like a hatful of arseholes, said one, if she was a dog you'd shave her arse and train her to walk backwards. And many of us think she's doing him. Up the You-Know-What. He is a liberal democrat, after all.


Roaring, bent double at his own wit, good friend of the Duke of Cock, Mr Billy Connolly, a comedic entertainer, too large in the national mind -  rather like the horrifyingly dull Mr John Cleese  - to fail, said the whole oil thing was eggstroooooaaaardanry - his only adjective - and he wouid be happy to travel the world of oil at someone else's expense, on his cissy motortrike, sharing his witty, scatalogical insights with stupid audiences, patronising indigenous peoples, plunking inexpertly on his banjo and avoiding the company of his monsterwife, Mrs Pamela  Gobenson-Connolly.

Friends of the royal family, the Connolly-Gobs.

  Och, I used to dine wi' Prince Andy, or His Highness, as I was allowed tae call him, many's a night me and the Mrs and him and Her Royal Highness, Porky, would while awa' the hours,  them being stupid an' me being outrageously funny over the canapes. Y'ken, just because I was a welders' tea-boy disnae mean I cannae hobnob wi' all they slags in the royal famnily. And isn't it time they gi' me the knighthood which, as a truly iconoclastic, rebellious social commentator, I so richly deserve, But no, honestly, if people cannae afford tae heat their homes or put petrol in their cars they should just all  stop whining, develop some wee jokes about about turds and move to California, like me. Did I mention that I was abused as a wee lad?

Parky, fellator to the stars.

Hello, I'm Michael Parkinson and I've earned a fortune brown-nosing almost every tuppence-halfpenny celebrity you could think of and I have some marvellous memories. But if you are old and poor and worried about your central heating bills  or putting petrol in the Nissan Micra, maybe you should think that  you could  freeze to death within a year or two as part of the govament's exciting new strategy to wean you off oil. If so, you should join my Guaranteed Over Fiftys' Plan and be assured that a tiny sum, good for fuck all, really,  may be made available to your loved ones after you die, - a fraction, no doubt, of what you've paid-in, else why would we do it ? -  it might help them buy a packet of firelighters or a even a  hot water bottle. And don't forget, there's a free biro, just for making an enquiry. Oh yes, His Highness, the Duke of York, he was never actually on one of my memorable  TeeVee shows but we have met socially, as one does, in my trade -  sucked more cock than a Westminster Special Adviser, me -  and I must say that he is a truly wonderful human being, gifted and sensitive, and would have had a great career in Hollywood, had he so chosen.

The office of Lord Snooty, the unelected prime minister, has insisted that Prince Andrew, idle buffoon, layabout and friend of child molesters, must continue to represent the govament abroad. Seems about right.


scobwith said...

In The picture at the head of this article it looks as though HRH has just pooped on the deck (inadvertently of course).

Dick the Prick said...

The briefings coming from Downing Street were a little bit revalatory - he's a wanker! Bit brusque what what? I can't remeber where I read it but the paedo lad is briefing that he helped Brenda with her finances which seems odd yet plausible.

How come there are so many nonces, I mean, the frequency is a bit in the wrong part of the bell curve, really. Where's the fun in shagging a kid ffs? I guess that's a bit beyond the scope of our inquiries but it seems a bit more prevelant than one would consider in both a fucked up psychological way and a practical enjoyment kind of way. At least Charlie Sheen's got the right idea but some people are just bang out of order.

PT Barnum said...

Mr DtP, the "fun in shagging a kid" is pure Machiavelli. It affords the shagger the power of life and death over the child while enjoying either the child's complete fear or a vicious co-mingling of love and fear for the tyrant. All with sexual benefits too.

Dick the Prick said...

But Sophie Marceau exists. Women get better with age - granted, there's a limit like but.... I dunno.

Apparently people who are mean to animals is a good pervert indicator. Obvious really I guess.

yardarm said...

As discussed a couple of threads ago the likes of us can`t participate in any activity that occurs within a light year of a child without filling out who was the Nobel Prize winner who said it was ok for the Queen`s son to hang out with a nonce ?

Or the intellectual powerhouse who said it would be ok to make an unauthorised landing of unidentified armed men in a war zone.

I know blokes who can hardly read who could run intellectual rings around the Oxbridge graduates supposedly running this country.

call me ishmael said...

Crime stats indicate that the vast majority of sexual offences against children are committed by close relatives; noncing, therefore, mr dtp, is a family business.

The scale of useage of child pornography can only be guessed at and many, like Mr Pete Nose, of the 'Oo, insist magisterially that they are only doing ree-sruch. Operation Ore and other such investigations revealed a clientele too numerous, too highly placed to prosecute.

We need to examine how it is that we imprison in barbarous conditions so many children, for longer and from a younger age than do other Western societies, often these children have been nonced and continue to be nonced through care homes, secure facilities and young offender institutions; go back, mr dtp, if you want to undestand the scale of noncing, to the post on Holly Greig, or just google her name; it is the current darkest stain on Scottish jurisprudence. Make your fucking blood run cold.

And then you might research Dunblane. The Royal family knows nonces? Of course it does.

Verge said...

One ticking time-bomb for Prince Handjob must be the taking of the 5th by the girls when giving depositions about what went on. I assume it wasn't so much to avoid self-incrimination as media immolation, but still - casts a shadow like a running stain across the pond.

yardarm said...

Just glanced at Dunblane on Wiki. Some papers redacted for a century ? To protect the children ?
That I do not understand. Unless it is to protect...others.

Dick the Prick said...

I seem to remember nonces brought down a Belgian govvament too. Leon Brittain apparently also. Andy was introduced to American nonce by Robert Maxwell's daughter. She never got mentioned in the pension corruption.

call me ishmael said...

Just keep on googling Dunblane, mr yardarm. The parents, by the way, in whose interests Lord Cullen claims to have buried the evidence, all want the papers to be made available.

What's that about Leon Brittain, mr dtp?

mongoose said...

Jeez, it had not occurred to me that the silence of the dead was a possible motive. Dear God, what sort of people are these fuckers?

It cannot be true. It is beyond reason.

call me ishmael said...

Yes. Beyond reason. Like the magical collapsing of those buildings. The ones in New York.

Dick the Prick said...

A chum (granted, militant union dude) used to work in Brittain's dept and swore to me it was true. Pete's pretty reliable in not making shit up and considering there was so much to attack him for the accusation of nonce would seem very odd if not grounded. Open secret so he says so he does. Higher grading than defamotory slur but certainly not to state it as fact. 'but 'ee looks like one, dunnee? Hmm....nah, better than that!

call me ishmael said...

He certainly did always look like one. And his official actions as home seckatry were contemptible, ideal material, in fact, for a comfy exile in Europe.

mongoose said...

Speaking of magic demolitions, Mr Ishmael, did you know that that day there was massive insider dealing in airlines and insurance companies and such? And included was a bunch done by a cousin of Dubya... And one nice little frightening nugget I found is the below:

“...about five minutes before the attack the entire Deutsche Bank [next door to WTC and damaged in the attacks] computer system had been taken over by something external that no one in the office recognized, and every file was downloaded at lightning speed to an unknown location.”

From here for those of you interested.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, I did know, thanks, mr m. Trouble is, unless one accepts the official version of shit one is quite unfairly branded a conspiracy theorist or as Col von Fawkes, our leading political scientist would have it, a troofer, the fucking idiot, this from a man who proudly boasted that "he didn't do Iraq"

Beats me how you can offer any sort of commentary or analysis of UK politics without "doing Iraq."

Dick the Prick said...

Yup, confirmed. Young Egyptian lad, 7 at the time. Guess he's about 32ish now. Cleggy was his SPaD. That wretch in yer throat is over my keyboard. How disgracefully typical - no questions fucking asked.

Woman on a Raft said...

Justin Adams was remanded in custody (again), next appearance 11 April, presumably Oxford Crown Court again, unless it is transferred.

Woman on a Raft said...

That last comment made more sense when the one which preceeded it was there. Blogger has eaten it.

Woman on a Raft said...

The essence of it was a reminder that Clegg worked in Brittan's office and did very nicely out of it, leaving to become an MEP - which pays very well indeed - before becoming the surprise runner in the LD leadership race.

This means that all three leaders are Europlacemen. Which looks spooky, especially when you consider that Farage fell out of the sky on polling day.

However, I don't think that is anything other than a bizarre accident. Some time later the pilot Justin Adams allegedly threatened to kill Farage and the CAA investigator.

Air accidents are investigated on a no-blame basis in order to find out what happened.

Adams has been in custody since before Christmas. The next appearance date has been set, but I don't know if that is going to be the trial date.