Tuesday, 15 March 2011


News, eh, you couldn't make it up, except that they do.

One minute it's the stubbly, hysterical  ladymen of Lebanon, shooting their rifles in the air, like children,  that's the story we all wanna hear,  beardy blokes, shouting at the camera, waving placards and then,  the next,  all Hell breaks loose on the Pacific Rim, Mother Nature clears her throat  and the works of  man - and his Holy StockMarkets - come tumbling down, washed away in a roaring tide of shit and corpses. 

Pity the poor filthsters, running around in their news studios like headless chickens, fancifully feigning knowledge of the Middle East and Africa, of New Zealand and now of the Land of the Rising Sun. Not only that but Kay Fright and Emily Stringbean are also asking the Questions that Really Matter, the Questions to which viewers Want Answers - fuck the Japs, is this nuclear shit gonna blow up and make us all glow in the fucking dark? Quick, find some meltdown experts, some buildings experts. There must surely be an Experts Agency somewhere, making a fortune, You want somebody to talk shite, knowledgeably, for six minutes, answer all the questions, sort of, and not pick his nose on camera? Here at ExpertsUlike - but not very much - we gottem. Yesterday, for instance, we had Professor Brian Gob of the University of Great Yarmouth, who specialises in Buildings Falling Down Studies.

Brian, what can you tell us about events in Japan?

Well, clearly they've had an earthquake which measures whatever it is on the wotsaname.  Look, here's a bit of graph paper with some heavy lines on it, heavy shit, eh, Kirsty? 

Yes, but whaddabout the buildings, because people at home, watching their skymadeupnewsandfilth screens, will be keen to understand the physics of it all. 

Quite, Emily, well Japan is quite a long way away but what I can tell you is that clearly some of the buildings have fallen down and some of them, clearly, haven't; clearly, of course, some of them are just leaning over a bit, a case of neither up nor down, rather like His Grace the Grand Old Duke of York (sings) O-o-o-oh....the grand old Duke of York, he nicked ten thousand pounds, and gave it to his slapper wife, so she could go on the town.......

Yes, thank you, but the Japanese, they live with the constant threat of earthquake and tidal waves, or Tu-Sunamis, as we are now calling them on the BBC, as though we were all language scholars, what can you tell us about any special preparations they may have made, buildings-wise, to cope with this....this....ah...this Tectonic Plates shit happening?

Well, as you know, Oprah, they have great experience in this sort of thing, what with the terror bombing campaigns of the 1945, culminating in them all getting their faces melted off by the Freedom Atom bombs so they kind of take it all in their hobbling little strides, bowing and scraping and hissing at one another, grovelling about, doing their company exercises, singing their company hymns, saying their company prayers. And let's not forget that since the war the little blighters have been gangraped and brainwashed into believing that Consumerism is the new Bushido. Gone from feudalism to corporate slavery in a couple of generations, they have, from shovelling shit in the rice paddies to making digital cameras. Clearly, they're all Buddhists, of course, which helps.

How's that, Brian? 

Well, clearly they believe in some reincarnation shit or other, ancestor worship, that sort of thing; so, clearly, it doesn't really matter if they get washed away and ground up into tiny bits, they're all going straight up to Samurai Heaven; it's why they were so keen to chop the heads off British POWs in the last war. 

What, because of the earthquakes? 

No, because they're horrible little yellow bastards.

That was Professor Brian Gob, talking to us there. But what about the nuclear problem, I mean they're going off like fucking Catherine Wheels, aren't they, those reactors? Well, I'm joined here in the studio by Professor Trevor Gob, of the University of Shepton Mallet who lectures on Nuclear Meltdown Tectonic Plates Studies. Professor Gob, what can you tell us; are these things safe? Well, yes and no, Kirsty, it's very much a case of suck it and see, in a very real sense, at the end of the day. At the end of the day, the Devil, as ever is in the detail. You see, if you have a level playing field and someone moves the goalposts then the bottom line is gonna be that it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, at the end of the day. It's all down to the procedures. They have 'em in place, the Japanese, like no ofher nation in Earth, which isn't surprising, really, considering.

Considering what, Trevor?

Well, Kirsty, considering all them mutants they got, walking around with two heads and no fucking arms, and arses where their ears oughta be, you know, eyeballs in their armpits, albinos and cleft palates and cloven fucking hooves where their feet should be, all those descendants of the survivors of Hiroshima and |Nagasaki. Now, as to whether they are safe, that's really two questions. I mean, they might be safe. And on the other hand, they might be dangerous as fuck. No point asking me, I used to teach woodwork, when we were still a polytechnic. Before that fucker Blair went and fucked everything up. I mean, half the country with degrees, what's that shit about, every other fuckwit in the land, smirking, banging-on about how his girl,  Chardonnay or his lad, Ethan, is off to Uni, to read hairdressing studies. A city and guilds in dovetail jointing, or welding, that was something to be proud of, but they give degrees out to people who can't spell their own fucking names. No use, Kirsty, the BBC trying to educate them about nuclear fission in Japan, not when they couldn't change a fucking three-pin plug, not to save their fucking lives. And as for Stephanie fucking Flanders rabbiting on, the silly fucking cow, about how all this fire and fucking brimstone shit in Japan is going to affect the footsie one hundred and maybe cause a double-dip recession, about how the fucking Nikkei stock  exchange is faring; well,  she may as well be farting out of the window for all the difference it makes. Now, there's a thought for the viewers, eh, our Steph, in some mad porno re-write of the Wife of Bath's Tale, her arse hanging out of Broadcasting House, breaking wind in time to the Shipping Forecast. She come s from a showbiz family, doesn't she? Couldn't be any worse than all this shit you keep serving up about Japan. And fucking Lebanon. And Egypt.

Well, you know, professor, we have to be relevant and up to the minute, if we were reflective and thoughtful and intelligent we might be accused of straying into the realms of journalism and clearly we don't do that; news, that's our business, news, and filth.

That was Professor Trevor Gob there for us, on the very real potential for something newsy and urgent happening in the town of Fuckyoufissionama.

In other, non-Nip news, Do we want a rogue state, with a tinpot dictator, festering on Europe's Northern border? We look at David Cameron, stamping his foot in a nearly empty House of Commons. How can a pampered, inbred wastrel like Mr Cameron, incompetent and illegitmate, come to the House, day after day, and pretend to be the font of all wisdom when he is a global laughing stock? I'll be exploring that, but not too deeply, with our political editor, Michael Cock, I mean Crick, you know, the little fat fucker in a scarf, the one who is always so pleased with himself.  Prince Charles will be telling us why it's OK for his friends, the Saudis,  to invade Bah-rain; why it's OK for his  friend, Stephen Fag, to use cocaine, and why it's OK for his brother to hang-out with nonces, and generally act like a cunt. And we'll be looking at the first editions of tomorrow's 'papers with Toilets Maguire and Mrs Ian Cardigan.

The weather now with Sarah Tits.

Thanks, Kirsty, and it looks like a shaky start in Japan with some flooding and maybe some very bright and determined heat.

Thanks for that, Sarah, you silly fucking bimbo. And now, to play us out, the most useless foreign seckatry in history.

 Billy & Chris, got their mojo working.


Dick the Prick said...

Just giggled my way all the way through that Mr Smith. Many thanks.

I bet news reports in China are a bit like Top of the Pops, 'in 5 - total devastation of the fishing port of Whalefordinner, in 4 - the razing of TakethatUcunt, in 3 - the discovery of 10,000 cadavers under the Chysanthemum Bush, in 2 - the government gets found out to be lying cunts (amateurs) and for the 2nd week running - their Number 1 - nuclear meltdown with potentially devastating consequences.

That's it Pop Pickers, now to the traffic with YouKill MeGrandad - it's congested everyfuckingwhere unless you're in a tank, now fuck off.

PT Barnum said...

It's the tsunami porn which has produced in me a despair I find hard to deal with. The slavering lust over slo-mos of tiny people being swallowed up in a wave of filth. And now Jon Sox standing in front of improbable juxtapositions of cars and houses and boats barely able to contain his near-orgasmic thrill at being right here, right now. The spokesman for History, sponsored by Cillit Bang.

The Penguin said...

Fucking A1 excellent.

The Penguin.

mongoose said...

Terrifying pictures some of those, Mr PTB. It is a colossal disaster and will have cost tens of thousands of lives by the time it is over. And each TV bastard trying to get some ghastlier tragedy than the last one managed. And here look is some film of a fireman carrying out of the rubble a small parcel of humanity which can only be a v small child. I had a bit of a tough time myself too, you know, down the pub, trying to explain about logarithmic earthquake scales. Nobody knows the troubles I seen either. I might ring Vicky Derbyshire and tell her about it.

And the madness of watching some Hampstead Arsehole prattling on about nuclear reactors is wearing after a while. Why do they not just say that they are nuclear reactors "and here, look if you will, is some film - no dead babies in it, sorry - of some concrete bits of a building containing one flying many hundreds of metres through the air after an explosion. This will have done some damage, a lot of damage, and we do not yet know the consequences. However moving everyone within 20km to safety is one big fuck-off clue that all is not well. Add to that the raised radiation levels in Tokyo - just the 250 km away - and we have the prospect of blah, blah." [cut to some pics of Horishima for a lazy bit of not-parallel gore - it's got "nuclear" in it, innit.] Horrible fuckers.

Meanwhile, the tanks roll across North Africa as if Rommel was back on the gig. Can someone tell me why they are all so keen to shore up Bahrain? It cannot just be for the weekend drinking and whoring.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, mr ptb, despairing ridicule, it's all that remains after Sox and Co. have been out a-feasting, I haven't actually seen him this time around but just as well, really, as he brings out my inner mongoose, has me casting about for a good, strong hempen rope.

PT Barnum said...

Ridicule is all they have left us, Mr. I, since any other emotion will make us take a baseball bat to either them or ourselves.

jgm2 said...

will make us take a baseball bat to either them or ourselves

Not at all Mr Barnum. The solution remains the same. If you are pissed off with your imbecile government then don't pay them. Stop paying their taxes. Quit work. And if you have a mortgage to pay then do the minimum. And stop consuming.

Food is VAT free. Domestic fuel is 'only' 5%. Admittedly 5% more than you'd like but certainly not 20%.

They can only perpetrate their profound idiocies with your money. Cut the cord. Concentrate their minds.

PT Barnum said...

Mr jmg2, in my case, as a pensioned invalid with a paid-off mortgage, I do not work (and nor do I claim any benefits) but I see no way to stop the government taking their tax cut from my pension before I receive it. I do deprive them of their tax from tobacco (by paying duty to EU countries) and most of it from the alcohol consumed in the household, and with a pitiful residual annual income I 'consume' very little.

But if everyone were like me or you what would the country be like? Better or worse? You evidently think the former. I fear the latter, as the larded political classes stuff the remaining taxes down their rancid y-fronts and leave the hoi polloi to grub roots from what used to be roads and parks.

lilith said...

Very good. The BBC was at it this morning, pestering an Expert on Missing Britons to give a figure for missing Britons which he repeatedly said he was unable to do.

BBC Bint "So, Mr Expert, how many Britons are missing in Japan, and are the ones that have been accounted for glowing in the dark?"

Expert "I can't tell you that Ms Bint, because it is a fluid situation, with people turning up and going missing all the time, as we speak"

BBC Bint "Ok I will ask you about something else you can't respond to before I ask you the same question again, because it is the Right Thing for the Listener, and makes me sound thick, prurient and callous"

o/t Just back from Syria. I wonder what odds William Hill would give me on an uprising here before there is one there? I'd stick the house on that one.