JAPAN, A DOCTOR WRITES

 Dr Gerry, Father of the Year winner.

My wife, Cilla, and I know all too well what it means to lose everything, just like these little yellow bastards. Once we had it all;  we were on all the best breakfast tee-vee shows, feted by the tabloids and even the prime minister, Mr Snot, would jump when we snapped our sticky fingers. Now, we can hardly get arrested, well, not in England anyway.  Even the home seckatry, Mrs May, has fucked us off, declining to become part of our never-ending roadshow. So, in a very real sense, our world, too, has been swept away. Thank goodness that charitable donations, from very sensible people,  have paid-off our mortgage and funded our world travel and we have put a little aside to help us cope with the loss of our celebrity, I mean our daughter, wotsername.

At this time, people will be wanting to donate to Tsunami Relief - well, those whose granddads weren't tortured on the Burma Railroad will - but I would just like to remind them that charity begins in Portugal, I mean at home.  It would be helpful in my judgement -  and I am a clever doctor - if people moved to donate would just take ten per cent of their donation, send it to the Nips, and forward the remainder, the ninety per cent, to the Keep Gerry and Cilla out of Jail Fund (a registered charity run by myself and my brother) this way Cilla

 Dr Cilla, tireless campaigner for neglectful parents.

and I will be able to fend off any impertinent enquiries about why we are such a pair of shits.

Thank you for caring, we are the real victms in all this and every penny you send will be spent on us, I mean the search for little wotsername  With  best wishes at this difficult time from Gerry and Cilla McScam.

Divorce? Certainly not. Gerry and I are united in guilt, I mean grief.