Monday, 22 November 2010



From BBC Newsnight.
So, Mr Moribund, what's the plan?

Well, Kirsty, mother and baby and, might I say, father, are all doing very well, although a little tired. We have its name down for a good school and have several eminent home tutors in mind, of course we want to raise it bi- or even tri-lingually,  you know, speaking three languages by the age of five gives a child such an advantage over other.......well, shall I say, lesser children....

No, not the plan for the baby, the plan for the country, you are the leader of the Opposition....

Am I..?  Oh...... Yes, of course I am. No...No... David... is fine....about the baby and everything.  Look, he's my brother. And even though he can't actually have babies, or win leadership elections, I love him more than anything. Well, more than a lot of things. We Moribunds, blood's thicker than Evian, knowaddamean....?

But the country..........

Yes, well, there's several questions there and I'll deal with the last one first:  we haven't a fucking clue, Emily, so that's why we're having a strategic tactical review.

Of what, exactly..?

Well, of all the policies we haven't got .  For instance, we don't have one on.....well, as I said, anything.

So, whaddareyagonnado about, for instance, Mr Spit-Gove  removing  Sport from the curriculum.

Is he? Fuck me, I didn't know that. Are you sure?  Well, we do have quite a big garden and I'm sure we could get together with some other well-placed  parents and sort something out;  tennis, badminton, rowing, horse-riding,  the usual sorts of things. So that should be alright. Next question. Gosh, this is easier than I thought....

But what about in the country?

Oh, the country, well, I've already said, Emily, that we haven't a fucking clue and that's why we are having a review...

A review of what?

Of the policies we don't have, why we don't have them, what they're not about and, most importantly, who we can blame. Or is it whom? You know, Kirsty, I'm not afraid to blame somebody, anybody. Look, I'll get Harriet to blame anyone if I think they need it, as long as I'm on leave.  I can't be seen to be blaming anyone.  Like Mr Woolas, who is a perfectly nice chap.  I mean, once he was a liability, though,  he simply had to go.

Like David?

Well theres two questions there. And I didn't come here to answer any of them on national TeeVee. And you wouldn't expect me to.

So, what's your plan, then,  for the next nearly five years.

Well, there's the Royal Wedding about which, as Leader of this Party, I simply cannot over enthuse, which should take up most of next  year as the happy couple, Long to Reign Over Us, Sir and Your Royal Highness, bring romance and joy to a nation at war with itself, there's that, I will be playing my part in that  but a Plan?  I didn't come into politics to do plans. I mean, I know I'm a wonk but plans don't win elections now, do they, govaments lose them. Like we did.  No, we just wait for everybody to get shit on by the Tories for five years and then they'll vote for us and I'll be prime minister. Just like father wanted me to be.  Or David, actually.

That's it? Sit on your hands for five years, let Chaos reign,  and hope you'll be voted back in?

Well, there's obviously important details to be ironed out, the Devil-As-Ever-Is-In-The-Detail, - that's what I always say, and every other bastard, too -  and that's why I have a superb shadow cabinet team  of dunderheads,  half-wits and maniacal careerists, like Mr and Mrs Wotsit, who won't get anywhere near Mr Postman's  er,, Mr Postman's post as shadow chancellor, but basically, yes,  that's it. Chaos and Ruin, but just for the voters, and then we'll be back in. Brilliant, if I say so myself.

So, if you've got no policies and you're just gonna sit around watching jobs and services and homes go down the toilet, hoping it'll mean more votes for you, you might as well be In the fucking Coalition.

Might I, no, surely not. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe we should give it a go. We do agree with everything they're doing, it's just that we don't want to say so.  We could all be on the Front Bench, then, jeering at, well, ourselves really. And a big empty space, where an Opposition used to be.

Mr Moribund, thank you.


jgm2 said...

That's it? Sit on your hands for five years, let Chaos reign, and hope you'll be voted back in?

Not at all Mr Ishmael. What Labour will do is point out that they were going to cut by 29% and not 30% (or 19% and not 20%. Or 9% and not 10%). Basically whatever the Tories decide to cut then Labour would have cut by about a fiver less. But definitely less. And later. Because the Tory cuts are ideologically driven whereas Labour's cuts are made with a heavy heart. Because the Tories are heartless bastards whereas Labour would be just be 'doing the right thing'.

And on any specific item then obviously Labour would not have cut that at all. So the student fees. No, wouldn't have touched that. Defence? Housing benefit? No, wouldn't have touched that. So, this 29% (or 19% or 9%) of cuts. Where would you have made them? Somewhere else. But not on that. Or that. Or that. We would never have cut that. Or that. But obviously there would have had to be cuts. Just less than the Tories. And later. A dollar less and a day later. And not on anything specific.

And, do you know what Mr Ishmael. It will work. Labour will be the next government.

jgm2 said...

Yesterday (was it) we had that fucking horrible economy-destroying facilitator Ned Balls hinting that just maybe they might have been a bit over-exuberant looking to lock up people without charge for 90 days. And indeed 42 days. Maybe it would be more 'the right thing to do' to drop it to only 14 days.

But we both know, Mr Ishmael, that this late-in-the-day contrition is merely to sucker the coalition into proposing less authoritarian legislation just so tha, when the Bill actually comes before Parliament, they (Labour) can then pull out all the 'Tories are not serious about protecting us from Islamic terrorism' horseshit. They'll object to some tiny word just to give their opposition to the entire bill the veneer of respectability just as they objected to the PR legislation even though it was in their own fucking manifesto.

Then they'll be on TV in sonorous tones railing against the reckless Tories and Liberals who want Islamists to kill us all just because they're too squeamish to bang 'em up for 42 days without charge. Like we used to. Because it's the right thing to do.

Guaranteed. Because Labour is just a career choice for cunts these days.

mongoose said...

Indeed, mr jgm2, that is exactly what they will do. And indeed it is such that Oppositions have always done - of any colour or creed. The fatal hole in the fucking boat though is that it is too soon. The people still remember. McDoom still stalks the burning land, his gurning and dribbling still fresh in the memory.

The killer for the Luvvies though is that Ireland has just fallen. Portugal will be next. Greece has been fudged - but for how long will that last? And when Spain goes down, the Euro goes down. And when the Euro goes down, the EU goes down and becomes some mad, dead, Socialist looniness, and then the Tories are free. I do not think that there is enough money confidence to keep all these things in the air this time around. Maybe this is the calculation that Cameron's clever friend has taken. A fixed Parliament five year window to lance the European boil.

Dick the Prick said...

Dear Mr Ish



call me ishmael said...

All of that - I hoped - was sort of implicit, mr jgm2 but its good you took the time to spell it out - basically it's the opposition of nitpicking, jumped-up charlatanry masquerading as wit and industry and perspicacity. They have no alternatives because they, too, are Power's servants. Strangely, though, if there was ever a time, post-war, for a revival, an attempted revival, of the founding principles of the Labour Party, an assault on EarthCrime's jamboree and a retreat from the Gang of Four's unopposed coup, this, shortly, is it. Even Jeremy Arsehole on Newsnight is damning capitalism as a blot on the landscape. But as you say. Labour is a career choice, no more than that. Ed Miliband, like the whole money farce, it's almost beyond belief. If they'd advertised for an ineffectual, infuriating moron they couldn't have done better.

My sources say Belgium is next, mr m, but it doesn't matter, it will be one of them, just not the Frogs or the Hermans. I think you over-rate Mr Spunkface, by the way; if he was clever he would find some other form of words than Ireland, safe haven to the IRA, is our best friend; the politics still matters, especially among the Tory outlanders.

Too kind, mr dtp, he's easy meat, Miliband, too easy.

mongoose said...

Osborne isn't the brains of the outfit, Mr I.

call me ishmael said...

Does he know that, mr m?

yardarm said...

" Ireland is a friend in need ". That cocktrumpet doesn`t care about the size of dole queue in Dagenham never mind Dublin; it`s all about saving the arses of the banker twats. Again. That`s why after months of spinning " There`s no more money so piss off public sector/the poor " seven billion appears out of the ether to bail out the dosh jugglers.

Mr Mongoose uttered a deadly truth when he said there isn`t enough money confidence to go around. So when the Great Chair Polisher Terror of 2011 kicks off and a chain reaction rips apart the global economy the best Ed can do will be to crawl into a Guvament of National Unity and help preserve the meal tickets of those most responsible for the forthcoming Ruin.

mongoose said...

Osborne is more Irish than I am, Mr Ishmael.

And I have to say in his defence that the extra loan to the Paddies is a wizard wheeze. The Paddies borrow money today at what - 10%, 12% maybe. The Brits borrow money at 2-3%. Instant annual 8-9% profit on £7billion, was it? And the punchline for those of you who like irony is that when the night comes falling from the sky, the poor bloody Germans will have to pay most of it.

jgm2 said...

Mr Mongoose.

The Irish will renege on any debt to the British. Right now Adams and McGuinness will be preparing their speeches along the lines of 'Sure didn't we throw the fuckers out in 1922, and now, in our hour of need they're bleeding us dry' followed by plenty of famine references.

Ireland will go from being a cocky Celtic Tiger to a sullen charity case in the blink of an eye and, politically there is no way an Irish government could get away with paying the UK 10% on 7bn when we're printing money at 0%. Fuck 'em the Micks will say. Let them print up another 7bn quid. We've got the cash now. It's all spent.

We'll pay you what it cost you to print it up. Fuck all.

Ireland? Pay the UK 10% on printed sterling? Not a fucking hope. Well, maybe for a few months until another of their governments collapses but after that - not a chance.

mongoose said...

I agree with all you say, Mr jgm2, exccept for the R-word - which is why the Germans will end up paying. The value will come out of the Euro. It is only a piss in a pot compared to the other hocus pocus numbers being bandied about but the slightest whiff of governments reneging and the house of cards falls.

Although you may be onto something with Adams, the bastard, who is off down South to make his fortune. Jeez, the Paddies are screwed indeed.

call me ishmael said...

It is an uncanny silence from Gerry and Kneecaps, one might have expected a nailbomb or two to stiffen Republikan sinews, accompanied by a verbal broadside along the lines of mr jgm2's remark. Might it be that their time in PlayGovament in Ulster has turned the Marxist boys' coats ? Might it be that all presently shitting in the people's face are now preparing, in mr yardarm's phrase, to "crawl into a Guvament of (pan) National Unity and help preserve the meal tickets of those most responsible for the forthcoming Ruin.?"

On the Pee Em programme, with Eddie Smug, just now, Labour voices were saying Oh, fuck me, hang on, let's not be nasty to the LibDems - effectively saying that the political caste need each other more than they need us; which is only a basic tenet of Ishmaelian Ruin but indicates the public preparedness of Filth to cling to Power at absolutely any cost; crisis and indefinite national Govament does keep all the fuckers happy, doesn't it?

yardarm said...

Govament of National Unity..National Coalition...the People`s Coalition....called upon to serve....forget our petty party political differences in view of the grave crisis...right thing to`s mandate...all in it together...ideology not so partisan these days anyway... restore market confidence.....

If Blair was still around we`d have it already: rotate the Big Chair among the Three Big Bastards, divvy up the lesser jobs, buy off troublemakers, throw Rupe a meaty bone, square the great and good.

You could set it to music and sing it.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, they're half-way there, aren't they, telling us how we elected the Coalition, even though we didn't, skymadeupnewsandfilth telling us how much we approve of it, even though we don't.

Ah-one-two-three: Oh, we do love them shitting in our faces, we do love them taking all our jobs. Oh, we do love to be upon the dole, dole, dole, while reality's gone for a stroll, stroll, stroll.....