Friday, 26 June 2009
WHAT THE PAPERS SAY, TONY BLAIR FOUND DEAD
TONY BLAIR DEAD, WORLD OF SHOWBIZ STUNNED
From skymadeupnewsandfilth’s showbiz correspondent, Jayne Tits
The world of international crime was reeling last night after Tony “Killer” Blair was found dead. Phony Tony, as he was known all over the world, was said to have been worried about his upcoming tour of the Iraq Inquiry, which wasn’t going as he had wanted it and he feared being asked questions.
Fellow terrorist, Mr Marty Kneecaps McGuiness, said He was a great wee man so he was and we in the terrorist community owe him a very great deal, so we do.
He launched more wars that any previous monomaniacal narcissist in parliament, he was the King of Terror, said drunken, depressive, bi-curious impresario, Ali Campbell; Shock and Awe killed more civilians than any other mission since the initiatives of that other great social reformer, Uncle Joe Stalin. He touched people all over the world and many have Tony to thank for them being dead, maimed, burned, orphaned, homeless, refugee; it was a measure of his greatness that age was no barrier to him, he had victims ranging from infants to the very old and infirm, wedding parties and hospitalsthroughout Wogland have Tony to thank for brightening their lives with napalm, high explosive and white phosphorous. He just wiped people out, said one grieving fan, Guido von Fawkes, a local Pizza seller, Guido doesn’t do fanism, said the miniature Kelvin McKenzie, but for his determination to annihilate Palestinian children, Guido gives The Killer his coveted Golden Pizza award.
Plucking his trademark, Prime Minister’s Edition Fender Death-o-Caster in the depths of his fabulous NeverLand home in Downing Street, Killer privately entertained his wife, Imelda Scouse.
My husband was a devout Catholic, said a not-grieving Mrs Slotgob. There wasn't a moment when Tony wasn’t thinking about the kids. And how to kill them. They were fab gear moments, she sobbed, and youse can all read about them in me new book, My Crazy Nights of Bible Reading With The Killer, out soon, priced a hundred quid. Remarriage ? Well, never say never. Only for company. And money, of course.
The Prince of Death’s American manager, George Chimp, said that Merka had lost a true friend, properly bought and paid for in true Texas Style. Tony Bennet was a real fine Merkan and we won’t see his like again. Me and the Merkan people cannot underestimatify the importance of our special friend, here departed, Tony Whosits, and at a few million dollars he was very good value to all our friends in GlobaDeathCorp who made such a killing out of World War Three which wouldn’t have happened without him being such a treacherous assholeing sonofafuckingbitch, only to the Limeys and not to me. I gotta go and play me some golf, snort me some coke, bang me a few whores. God Bless Merka.
Fans in the UK houses of parliament stood and applauded when they heard the news. Thank fuck for that, said the Killer’s greatest fan, Dave Thing, frontman of the BullyBoys, an aspiring band, now we’ll all get a minute’s peace, Mr Speaker. Only not you, you little turd, not if I have anything to do with it.
Pope Nazi the Fourteenth said he would say a special mass for his dear brother, Killer Blair, he vas eine gut boy, but eine bit too chummy mit Hymie. He could haf had it all, he could haf been Pope, but only if he had dumped Frau SlotGob, is vun cruelly ugly bastard, dat bitch. Dominus vobiscum und suffer the little kinder to come unto me und my friends in black. Heil Hitler!
The Killer’s death is being reported on all news media, even the BBC’s Mr Jock Neil and his chums, Diane Lard and Don Miguel the Cowardly, pausing for two seconds silence at the news of Blair’s death.
Those wishing to make a donation to The Killer's favourite charity, Mr Gordon Snot, can send money to him at Downing Street, where he is said to be inconsolable with delight.