Friday, 26 June 2009



By skymadeupnewsandfilth’s crime correspondent, Jayne Tits.

Mired in theft, fraud, malpractice, sleaze, war crimes and incompetence, the cesspool that is the mother of parliaments has managed to divert attention from itself by the breathtaking and uniquely arrogant device of electing one of its own offenders to regulate it.

Mr John Birdbrain, the new Squeaker of the House of Commons has said that now his family’s future was secured he would knock off the thieving. I avoided the capital gains tax in a perfectly legal manner, he told me, that is why I am now paying it back and I have acted with great honour and probity throughout my career as a ponce, a thief, a bully and a liar. Any time I have been caught thieving I have paid the money back, can’t get more honest than that in this place. But now that I have made it big I must do what is expected of me and help make things easier for my co-accused. Order-order.

Mr Dwarf, recently chosen by MPs themselves as the best man to keep their own villainy from the public gaze – only a tiny, tiny handful of members are honest and we must root them out before they give us all a bad name and reduce the contempt in which this place is rightly held – has said that in the interests of trans-pair-ency he will, throughout his tenure as consigliere to six hundred organised criminals, not wear any underpants.

I will start as I mean to go on, said Speaker Skidmarks. Wearing underpants is not me. People writing about me in the Daily Bizarrograph, saying that, as Speaker, I must wear underpants, are out of touch with political reality. We are all slags now; fur coat and no knickers, that’s me, what you see is what you get. That’ll be fifteen hundred guineas, please.

Mr Dwarf’s predecessor, Sir Michael Dunspeakin’ of Glasgow and his wife, Lady Fishwife Dunspeakin’ of the Seamen’s Mission and latterly the House of Commons, both said gurgle, rant , stutter, seethe, by Cheesus, so we will, or Ah’m nae frae Glasgae, so Ah’m nae, youse fuckin orange basturds. Ah wis bagman fer yon Gordon fairy bastard and look how he’s shafted me up the Great Glen , Ah’ll nae be havin’ it so Ah wilnae.

Even though he is not a child-molester, Sir Michael Dunspeakin’ is expected to be elevated to the Lords and to become General Secretary of NATO, like Lord George Arse, who was.

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Brahan Seer said...

BREAKING NEWS: that kiddy fiddling waste of human tissue (mostly other peoples) seems to have suffled of this mortal coil. He was, in the words of Mr Ish, another "millionaire tunesters who, pampered and self-indulgent, judiciously stoked the flames of Ruin".
His passing seems no great loss to humankind but the funeral is sure to be another Neverland spectacular.

call me ishmael said...

Yes, Mr Brahan Seer, it is good news that Blair is dead, although not soon enough. His death is covered in the next post.

What always interested me about the state of the cultural world is that Michael Jackson sold more copies of Thriller than Bob Dylan has sold in his forty-year career career as a grunting, Yiddish ambiguist.

The funeral will, of course, be a welcome news distraction to the parliamentarians, the directors of the BBC, indeed, to all of our organised criminals.

woman on a raft said...

Dear Mr Ishmael

Are you SURE he said he was paying it back? If so, it means batteries in my hearing aid have run out.

Yours & etc

The Dyer's Garden said...

The Robertson story: do you know something we don't? A court would presumably have had the power to demand full disclosure etc; that he threatened to sue would seem to suggest there was little if anything there to play with. Bluffing over a forum post would hardly be worth the risk.

call me ishmael said...

The Scottish courts, Mr TDG, are, forgive me, a law unto themselves. Have a google-look at Scotland Against Crooked Lawyers.

But I have no special knowledge about Lord Arse, nor Operation Ore, nor NATO nor the Iraq invasion.

You will know that the enquiry into a peacetime, civil tragedy buried the papers for a hundred years - when wartime stuff is only sealed for thirty - even though the families of the dead children demand their release; that a similar Cop/Politician/Senior civil servant paedo ring as is alleged in Scotland was eventually exposed by bolder people than the Glasgow Herald, just across the water in Northern Ireland shows that susch things do happen. Local government in Scotland is as rotten as it gets, the cops and the lawyers uniquely corrupt. As I say, have a look at SACL.

There is too much of Robertson online to link to, most of it condemnatory; those interested should take a look.

I would not be convinced of his innocence vis a vis Hamilton by Jaspar of the Herald or by any faction of Jock jurisprudence and would prefer to see the evidence currently hidden from us by the legal-political establishment.