LITTLE BIG MAN & MRS LITTLE BIG MAN
SPEAKER BERCOW, 4' 2"
By skymadeupnewsandfilth’s crime correspondent, Jayne Tits.
Mired in theft, fraud, malpractice, sleaze, war crimes and incompetence, the cesspool that is the mother of parliaments has managed to divert attention from itself by the breathtaking and uniquely arrogant device of electing one of its own offenders to regulate it.
Mr John Birdbrain, the new Squeaker of the House of Commons has said that now his family’s future was secured he would knock off the thieving. I avoided the capital gains tax in a perfectly legal manner, he told me, that is why I am now paying it back and I have acted with great honour and probity throughout my career as a ponce, a thief, a bully and a liar. Any time I have been caught thieving I have paid the money back, can’t get more honest than that in this place. But now that I have made it big I must do what is expected of me and help make things easier for my co-accused. Order-order.
Mr Dwarf, recently chosen by MPs themselves as the best man to keep their own villainy from the public gaze – only a tiny, tiny handful of members are honest and we must root them out before they give us all a bad name and reduce the contempt in which this place is rightly held – has said that in the interests of trans-pair-ency he will, throughout his tenure as consigliere to six hundred organised criminals, not wear any underpants.
I will start as I mean to go on, said Speaker Skidmarks. Wearing underpants is not me. People writing about me in the Daily Bizarrograph, saying that, as Speaker, I must wear underpants, are out of touch with political reality. We are all slags now; fur coat and no knickers, that’s me, what you see is what you get. That’ll be fifteen hundred guineas, please.
Mr Dwarf’s predecessor, Sir Michael Dunspeakin’ of Glasgow and his wife, Lady Fishwife Dunspeakin’ of the Seamen’s Mission and latterly the House of Commons, both said gurgle, rant , stutter, seethe, by Cheesus, so we will, or Ah’m nae frae Glasgae, so Ah’m nae, youse fuckin orange basturds. Ah
Even though he is not a child-molester, Sir Michael Dunspeakin’ is expected to be elevated to the Lords and to become General Secretary of NATO, like Lord George Arse, who was.