Tuesday, 2 June 2009
HOMESLESS, PLEASE HELP
MR & MRS BADGER-KRANKIE ARE SOON TO LOSE ALL THEIR HOMES AND HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
Hello, Joanna Lumley here, off the Privilege advert on the telly. Can we please buy them another home? The tragedy of the Krankie-Badgers is that for over twenty years they have become addicted to other people paying for everything and now that Mr Badger has been ordered to give himself the sack they simply cannot cope. All these years, snuffled a disconsolate Mr Badger, whenever me or Mrs Krankie has wanted anything other people have paid for it. It's not my fault and I haven't done anything wrong and I apologise most insincerely for it even though I didn't do it and that's why I'm paying back a drop in the ocean of twenty years unexamined expenses claims. Which I never made. Or if I did make, did so in good faith. And if it wasn't exactly in good faith it was an administrative error. And a complete cock-up. Which you would expect from the pretend Chancellor of the Exchequer.
So, come on all you jolly British hockey players, join Esther Rantzen and I and probably a fucking regiment of grim and ghastly publicity-seeking old-age celebrities and let's all help save the Badger-Krankies. Rah-rah-rah. Large, toothy, scrawny, wrinkly smile for photographers (Men of a certain age swoon and reach for their heart attack medications.)
Interviewed on Newsnight by Jeremy Phony, The Second Secretary, Harriet Soursister said, Fuck me, Jerry - not with Gavin Essler's, sweetheart - no, let me finish, everyday I feel like I got me tits in the mangle, knowaddamean, Jerry, I mean, I come on here, all prim and proper, like a giant, frowning acid drop, and prepared to defend the record of the government - I simply asked you if the Chancellor is a toasted cunt ? - and every day one of these bastards has done something even more indefensible than whichever of them was in the frame yesterday - praising him with faint damns, the prime minister was, looks like he's for walking the plank into the Firth of Forth or is it the Forth of Fifth, fucked if I know, Scotland, who needs it, drunken ginger inbred child molesters and Pres-be-fucking-terians fisting each other round the back of the Kirk - Jerry, it's not for me to say who's a cunt and who isn't - well, you must have an opinion - but the main thing is that we put it behind us and get back to dealing with the economic fuck-up which started in America and which we have nearly fixed apart from a few million unemployed, no, Jerry, let me finish, a few million unemployed and the furnaces working full out burning all the money. And Hoon ? And Badger, are they toast or aren’t they toast ? Well Jerry, let me just say that Where right honourable members have stolen money, some of it will be repaid and those members won't stand in the election which they would certainly have lost anyway and as a mark of public disapproval will get a severance deal, instead, worth about a hundred grand, and the book deals and the directorships and some of them, Mrs Kirkbride Mackay, may even get their old jobs back, at the Daily Suicide-O-Graph. And that, if I may remind viewers is what reform is all about. Harriet Soursister, thank you; Are you and Jack at ours for lunch this Sunday, or are we coming to you?
Mr Jerry Paxman is a fully-paid-up member of the Establishment and apologises for any embarrassment he may have caused it. There's no business like show business.