I am today, Mr Nearly DunSpeakin’, launching a far-reaching cover-up into the entirely legal and proportionate and may I say, Mr Dunspeakin’, brief, Iraq incursion which has led to millions of deaths but most of them wogs and which, I remind honourable and right honourable members, we all voted for, apart from the Liberal party and nobody gives, Mr Dunspeakin’, a fuck about them, walking about in sandals and paying young men to defecate into their mouths, Mr Dunspeakin’, as they do. And nor, I remind the house, does anyone give a fuck about the wogs, obviously. Or we wouldnae a been firing cruise missiles at half a million quid apiece into their school playgrounds; only not Brother KeithVaz and Brother Trevor Phillips who are, as near as damnit, Mr Dunspeakin’, decent, white Presbyterians. Only still nig-nogs at heart.
The enquiry will find that many were to blame but none are accountable and this is in the finest traditions of this house, alongside the so-called flipping of second homes, the avoidance of capital gains tax and the acting like worthless thieving bastards which so distinguishes my cabinet and the gentlemen-comedians, coke-snorters, arse-bandits, grave robbers, child molesters, shoefetishfreaks and bagladies opposite.
The enquiry will find that the world is indeed a much better place without the late Mr Hussein who, in the best traditions of my party, the Labour Party, was publicly hanged, thus providing much amusement in the Washington Chimpanzee House, even though it isn’t, the world, that is. Mr Dunspeakin’, a better place but far worse. But we will find, Mr Dunspeakin’ that salaries and pensions in this place will be adjusted to allow for the fact that members are no longer able to run a property business on the side, and this would be the right thing for the hard-working homeless families and small goneoutofbusiness businesses up and down the country, if we want the best in parliament we need to pay members salaries commensurate with those received by other organised criminals.
There will need to be a mild rebuke of the Papist Blair and his woman, Imelda, but nothing which would tarnish his reputation as a peace-making man of God - only not, I point out, modestly, a son of the fucking manse - else the whole house of cards might come tumbling down.
If crimes there are then they will be found to have been committed by rogue private soldiers and not by our friend, Major-General Rupert Jockstrap-Golightly or indeed any commissioned member of Her Majesty’s First Rocking Horse Cavalry whom, as members will know, we may well need to deploy at home against the people if our freedoms are to be preserved
Once again the house is indebted to Baron Peter FitzYuri of Hart-le-pool for finding some blackmailable civil servant to chair the cover-up. Guided by my own moral compass, Lord Peter, twice disgraced and exiled has returned to the bosom of the party which spawned him, or he, or he, or he, or he, Mr Dunspeakin’, it.
I have said recently, Mr Dunspeakin’, that I would listen, that I would listen, that I would listen, that I would listen more to what, to what, to what, to what, to what people say, Mr Dunspeakin’ and people are saying they want a full, open and very public enquiry into why we presided over such a catalogue of war crimes, why my right honourable friend, Mr Jack Torture, lied his face off to the UN and why the Papist Blair, immediately upon leaving office, was found to have such banking skills that Messrs GlobaDeath engaged him at five million dollars a year; people, rightly want to know who did and said what and to whom and why and they want it all out in the open. So Mr Dunspeakin’ the enquiry will sit entirely in private, or in camera, as we scholars say and will report only to me exactly what I have told it to; it is only by a full and frank cover-up such as this that we will be able to keep the homeless families and small goneoutofbusiness businesses entirely in the dark and at our mercy and I commend this cover-up to the house.
Cheers! hear-hear! hear-hear! For Gordon’s a jolly good ladyman!Hurrah!