The Sunday Ishmael: 23/02/2025

 For the benefit of our overseas readers, and home-grown ishmaelians who can't be bothered, and who, indeed, can blame you; Sunday morning is politics morning in Britain, with politicians doing the rounds of live interview shows to harangue, justify and defend, whilst interviewers do their damndest to get a straight answer to questions backed up by actual facts and statistics, whilst trying to get a word in edgewise into the torrent of nonsense, circumlocution, avoidance and persistent talking-over-tactics. Laura Kuenssberg fronts the BBC Sunday Show.

Today, her panel comprised three silly old fools who have really not aged well and appear to be waiting at the station for the Dementia Express.

First up was Stephen Fry, a very large figure indeed, like a soft teacake with frostings of sweat and sweet talcum.  He seemed to have no control at all over his back hair, which stuck out defiantly,

as he shared his worries about  Fascists. They are everywhere, he earnestly warned us. Fascists to left of us, Fascists to right of us, as for the Valley of Death, well, it's stuffed with Fascists. He probably has to check under his bed for Fascists each night, after his hot milk.

Fascists is one of those terms that means whatever people want it to mean, like Hard Left and Hard Right (these are not road directions, but reference the seating arrangements in the National Assembly Hall in 1789, when delegates supporting King Louis XVI sat to the right of the presiding officer, whilst the new revolutionary politicians seated themselves on the left of the presiding officer. So here's a handy tip to understand the terms: Hard Right means God Save our Gracious King, Hard Left means Off With his Head.)

Fry regards the ubiquity of Fascists in the New World Order as a Bad Thing, by which you'd think he'd be a Putin supporter, Putin having gone to war, as he said, to overcome Fascism in Ukraine. Putin wouldn't be very keen on Fry, though, especially if he's read Hippopotamus, Fry's 1994 novel suggesting there wouldn't be so much rape if women just enjoyed sex more, and tackling under-age sex, horse abuse and bestiality in a style midway between Wodehouse and Kingsley Amis.  Fry's dislike of whatever it is he means by Fascism is not shared by the majority of British people aged between 13 and 27 - a recent poll, ‘Gen Z: trends, truth and trust’, conducted by Craft of 3,000 adults of all ages, found that 52%  of Gen Z (those aged between 13 and 27) believe the UK would be a better place if a “strong leader was in charge who did not have to bother with parliament and elections” and 33% thought the UK would be better off if the “army was in charge” whilst 47% believe the organisation of society “must be radically changed through revolution”.

Which meets the definition of fascism pretty well. "A political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation above the individual and stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, economic and social regulation, and forcible suppression of opposition."

Really, though, people, like Fry, just throw the word fascist at anyone they disagree with or want to insult. Which is fairly fascist.

The second member of the old duffer panel was a woman rejoicing in the name of Zanny Minton-Beddoes, (you can just tell she's a member of the British Establishment. The name is the clue), editor of The Economist, which is suggesting that diplomatic talks between Trump and Putin are a nightmare. 

I wasn't quite sure why, other than that  Zanny seems to be of the persuasion that Europe and Britain are - or should be - Important Players, Ukraine is not a deeply corrupt nation led by a dwarf from the circus whose support has dwindled to 16%, whose democratic mandate to lead his country ran out last May, and who has spaffed quite a lot of money he didn't have on defying Putin on behalf of Dementia Joe instead of making a beautiful deal. 

Zanny has the problem illustrated here - heavy earrings have dragged down the holes in her ears, which will shortly split apart. You see it a lot in old women who are addicted to wearing earrings. 

You'd think that at the first sign of trouble, the afflicted woman (especially if she was intelligent or connected enough to edit The Economist) would stop wearing earrings - but no - the whole earring thing stems from sexual display because earlobes are erectile tissue that engorges and flushes when the earlobe owner is sexually aroused, thus signalling to the target of your amorous intent that you are ready, willing and able. Keeps the plastic surgeons busy. They cut into the earlobe, exposing flesh under the skin, then stitch it together. And charge you lots of money for your stupidity.

And the third member of Laura's day trip out from the old people's memory care facility was, dear God, a former Conservative Whip. Again, for our foreign readers or those who etc etc, the Whip is not an adherent to the sado-masochistic basement dungeon arts. (Although, looking at some of them.....) No, as Wiki tells us,  The Chief Whip is a political leader whose task is to enforce the whipping system, (Stop it, mrs ishmael, this is far too titillatory). The whipping system in British politics aims to ensure that MPs in the Whip's (stop saying whip. You've been warned) Party attend the House and vote on legislation as the party leadership prescribes.

This particular former Whip was Simon Hart, 

who, in addition to appearing terminally depressed that Trump has left Britain out of the negotiations to restore peace in eastern Europe; although unimaginatively attired in shades of blue (his care worker probably thought if he dressed Simple Simon in blue he would remember that he was a Conservative) attended the Panel of Three in a grease-spotted tie. I've helpfully marked the stains with a Conservative blue dot.

In the midst of what we are told is now a Hot War, we can only be thankful that Boris got us out of Europe just in time. Although Kuenssberg's Panel of Three probably wouldn't agree.

The other thing that annoyed me this week was Hamas' performance when  handing over coffins to the Red Cross. The earlier hand-over of the starved hostages was appalling. A brain-washed liberal of my acquaintance solemnly explained to me that the reason that the hostages were so extremely thin was entirely Israel's doing because Israel had denied the population of Gaza any food. She seemingly had not noticed that the Hamas soldiery, under their black clothes and bandannas were plumply well-fed. Hamas' utter stupidity was evidenced by their failure to keep their negotiating chips that they had gone to all that trouble to pluck out of Israel on October 7th 2023, fed and healthy. But this week's handover, dominated by a childish representation of Netanyahu as a vampire, for fuck's sake, and accompanied by the usual jubilation, demonstrated that they had allowed their visceral hatred of Jews full rein and murdered two babies with their bare hands - then lied about it, clearly not understanding that an autopsy would reveal the true cause of death. As it also revealed that they had sent to Israel the corpse of an anonymous Gazan woman, pretending, for some mad reason, that it was the body of the mother of the two babies. They had a good look around after that and found the remains of Shiri Bibas.

The handover of four live hostages on Saturday was accompanied by requiring two unreleased hostages to watch the humiliating ceremony. Israel halted the return of 620 Palestinian prisoners after that performance. The sheer numbers of Palestinian/Hamas terrorists held in Israeli prisons demonstrates the continuous attacks that  Israel has endured.

Trump Towers by the Sea. Bring it on.

Here's something calming.  Sasha and Volodya raise high the roof beam, in the snow, without a single pre-fabricated A frame. 

Don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.  

You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Sunday Ishmael: 16/02/2025

 Hardly bothering to hide her contempt, 

the Right Honourable Dame Priti Patel, wrapped up nice and warm in Munich, was deeply unpleasant this morning, when interviewed by Victoria Derbyshire, one of the Beeb's newstotties. It is her default position, of course. Contemptuous, disdainful, elitist, arrogant, howverydareyou, don't you know I'm a former Home Secretary. That's the key word, Priti - former. One of the many formers. And a Conservative former at that. Spaffed a lot of my money on the doomed Rwandaforfuck'ssake deportation plan. 

Victoria was prodding her on President Trump's assumption of the World's Peace Maker role in relation to the Ukraine situation. Doing Nastyface, DamePriti stuck to the establishment line and the forlorn hope that Britain had a place at the negotiating table. Fat chance, DamePriti. If they won't let Europe in, let alone Ukraine, poor wee bankrupt Britain has no chance. Despite their best efforts to deny it, it is beginning to sink in to the High Heidyins that the whole last 3 years has been a monumental waste of money, armament and human life. For what? Russia will keep its seized territories (well, they're really Russian, anyway, by the indicators of language, religion, history and cultural alignment), the Dwarf Zelensky will be off to the circus, Ukraine will not join NATO, no, no, they will not let it join, and Europe and Britain can go piss up a rope. (see? I'm getting the hang of Trumpian diplomatic language.) And Vice President Vance

has been telling Europe a few home truths: we won't pay for your defence anymore - if you want to defend yourselves, you'll need to find the money. So politicians, Labour and Conservative, have been perjuring themselves - yes, but, yes, but - we had/have a plan to increase defence spending to 2.5% of GDP. 

That's a lie, Tony Radakin would say - or being polite, he'd probably have an appropriate circumlocution at his tongue's end - I've been telling you for ever that the armed Forces are not fit for purpose and you've got to buy me some more boats and aircraft to go on the aircraft carrier. And some submarines ( that's bottom-bottom wata waka in creole) to help out mrs ishmael who's worried about the subsea cables up in Northern. 

Not just me, Tony, my MP, Big Al Carmichael, he's worried too -

speaking in the House in January he said: "me and mrs ishmael, we're worried. Russian spy vessel Yantar was round by us, and the Nikolay Chiker was round by Shetland in 2023.It's almost two years now since I first raised concerns about the activities of Russian vessels. This is a strategic threat for the United Kingdom as a whole, but it is particularly acute for our island communities that rely on cables for digital and energy connectivity, quite apart from the pipelines serving the oil and gas business. So when the fuck is the minister going to do something about it?" Responding for the Government, defence secretary Mr. Healey said: "Big Al is certainly right; this is not the first instance, and indeed the total loss of digital connection that Shetland suffered in 2022 demonstrated most vividly both the daily life dependence on this infrastructure and how vulnerable this can be to damage or sabotage. I give the Right Honourable Gentleman the assurance he is seeking in the consideration and implementation of the strategic defence review."

After the exchange, Big Al said: "Good-oh! A Review. Glad they're taking it seriously. When the Review reports, assuming that all hell has not broken loose in the meantime, we will rightly expect clear answers"

Big Al Carmichael - bottom-bottom waka .

Never mind 2.5%, howls President Trump,

not that you did - mind, that is; you'll need to scrape together 5% if you don't stop calling my bro, Vlad, names. It's a great thing, a beautiful thing, that you've got me to sort all this out.

That's right, echoes Vice President Robin, 

"You Europeans have got to wake up and smell the custard. Your enemy is not Vlad the Impaler, you are your own enemy, what with turning Muslim every day, revoking Freedom of Speech, all the man ladies using the lady ladies bathrooms, arresting and prosecuting a simple man, a veteran, no less, for prayering silently outside an abortionattoir for his son. Godless, heathen, murdering bastards."

"Thank you, J.D., that's a beautiful thing you just said there. And you folks need to learn that you are not sitting at the negotiating table with the big boys because you got it all wrong for three years. It would be dangerous to let you anywhere near that table. Especially that nasty little former secretary woman. Egging on the dwarf clown from the circus, giving him weapons and money and training his soldiery, when the sensible thing, the business thing, the deal thing to do was to say, look, Shortie, take off that stinky old T shirt, put on a suit and say, Vlad, sir, how can we talk money here, you have the eastern bit with the Russians and the rare minerals in it and I'll stay in power for the next three hundred years and maybe take a little cut, a little side hustle from all those minerals. As it is, Shortie has to go back to the circus,  six died during the 2014 Crimea operation, 14,400 military and civilians died in Donbas, 1,000,000 died during the special military operation in Ukraine and no-one made any money, apart from me, of course, because I'll tariff the fuck out of your asses. Or we can do the truly beautiful thing and move all these Ukies to a much better place. And you'd better give back all that money you people stole from Russian business men, sitting in bank accounts with you threatening to use it to employ your chums to build back Ukraine. If there's any of that going forward, I'll be the one to do it. And just someone please stop that dwarf former secretary from biting my ankles."

"That's right, Sawyer, you the husband? Just drag her off. But in a beautiful way."

Don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.  

You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

Don't mock. It might just save the world.

Not Breaking Bad

 

The Sunday Ishmael: 09/02/2025

Well, that's been an exciting week and no mistake. I've been puzzling about what they mean, the pundits, when they say Trumpo the Great is unpredictable. Strikes me that he is very predictable - says the unsayable, sees the business opportunities, tells everyone what he's going to do, then does it. I think what the pundits mean by unpredictable is that he doesn't do what they have got used to politicians doing, which is pretty much nothing. Certainly nothing to rock the status quo.

Apparently, FAFO means Fuck Around, Find Out. I prefer Making an Offer they can't refuse. More stylish.

The funniest thing was bullying the Columbians into sending their own planes to pick up illegally migrated Columbians, after refusing landing to the U.S. aircraft taking home the migrants until the Trump said 25% tariffs this week, 50% next week if you keep on fucking me about. Now, if Prime Minister Starmer rounded up two military-aircrafts' worth of illegal immigrants and had them flown back to - where is it? Africa? The Middle East? and they were refused permission to land, Starmer would just say, "terribly sorry to have bothered you, please accept lots more aid and send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”

Columbian President Gustavo Petro was determined to have the last word and announced that Trump is a "white slaveholder" who is on track to "wipe out the human species". He demanded that Trump treat the illegal migrants with dignity and respect. 

Moral high ground, much, Mr President Petro? How come your citizens didn't want to stay put and make Better Life in Columbia? And exactly which exported goods was Trump intending tariffing at 25%, or possibly 50%? Cocaine? 

Did you know that there's an offence in Scotland of drug driving over the limit for cocaine? Honest not invent. Bloke pleaded guilty by letter in Kirkwall Sheriff Court last week to driving a van with 14 micrograms of cocaine per litre of blood, against the legal limit of 10 micrograms. He also admitted not displaying his L plates. Its the cocaine, you see - gives you confidence. "No, I can't drive, haven't passed my test, but it'll be fine, just watch". Sheriff Lindsay Fowlis said, obiter dicta, "Writing letters? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Get your arse into my court, sunshine, so I can do terrible things."

So you can drive legally with 9.5 micrograms of cocaine per litre of blood? Even though possession of cocaine is illegal? This is some semantic double back flip. Yes, I know there's a legal limit for driving with alcohol in your blood. In Scotland it's 22 micrograms. In England it's 35 micrograms, cos the English can hold their booze. But the point is, alcohol is a legal substance whereas cocaine isn't.

And the other whizzo Trumpian scheme was to export all the Gazan citizens. (Where to? Nobody wants the poor bastards. They have a Middle Eastern rep for being vicious extremist fundamentalist religious nutters who never got over the 1948 partition of Palestine to make room for Israel. Some are still carrying the house keys to homes that they lost 75 years ago when they decided that a two-state solution was not for them. And gullible - they believed Hamas when it promised to reward each Gazan citizen with $10 grand per head for each Israeli they kidnapped if they joined in the October 7th massacre in 2023. And an apartment each. A bit like the promise narrated in the hadith in the Sunan of Imam Tirmidhi, in which the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "the martyr has six unique traits: he is forgiven immediately; he sees his seat in Paradise and he is saved from the punishment of the grave; he is granted safety from the great terror of the Day of Judgment; a crown of honour is placed upon his head, a ruby of which is better than this life and all it contains; he is married to 72 maidens of Paradise; and he is allowed to intercede for 70 relatives.” (A bit like Biden pardoning all his relatives while he still could). Just in case the more simple-minded and cock-driven amongst you are thinking of popping down the mosque and signing up, this problematic hadith is explained by Shaykh Faraz A. Khan in IslamQA: "God knows that we are, by our nature, lazy and prone to relax. So He constantly reminds us in revelation of powerful incentives to move us to serve Him and His creation....Some people are primarily motivated by rewards pertaining to the physical nature of humans: gardens, rivers, couches, silk garments, servants, and even maidens to dwell with and enjoy." Well, that does explain it, especially when contextualised by this Hadith: “O women! Give charity, for I have seen that you form the majority of the people of Hell.’ They asked, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allah?’ He replied, ‘You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religious commitment than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.”)

That was rather a long wander down the green and leafy path of religious intolerance, but back to POTUS and his amazingly generous offer to run Gaza after the Israeli Defence Forces have cleared out all those inconvenient people. You'd think that the West would bite his hand off - yes, yes, Trump Towers by the Sea, bring it on.

They were thin as laths, made to thank their captors and to hold certificates of release, in a disgusting triumphalist performance by Hamas. No wonder Hamas believes they have won, as 183 Palestinian prisoners were released as payment for these poor sods. These three were imprisoned underground and seldom fed, as is pretty apparent from their emaciated state. President Isaac Herzog was very firm with Laura on her Sunday Show today. As usual, I paraphrase:

Herzog: Israel is a Western Democracy, holding the line against stone age barbarians. If Israel falls, the religious nutjobs will be knocking on your door next. Look at the state of these captives.

Kuenssberg: Yes, but, the Palestinians you have imprisoned were held in inhumane conditions and tortured.

Herzog: Bollocks. We are a civilised nation, subject to the rule of law, with impartial Courts. Of course we didn't torture anyone. This is your BBC bias, trying to be even-handed. Stop it.

Kuenssberg: No, its not. The U.N. says the same.

Herzog: The U.N. has never been near an Israeli prison. They are listening to lies and the BBC are happy to broadcast their lies.

Trump Towers by the sea. Bring it on.

Don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.  

You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.

The Sunday Ishmael: 02/02/2025

 Yvette Wood, former Ice Pixie, now Home Secretary,

has caught the Starmerism. It seems to be horribly contagious. People who could previously speak English with a fair degree of inflection, animation and likeability, now speak from their noses with deadened affect, monotony edged with repetition, and, of course contempt. I noticed last week that Rachel Wood, Chancellor of the Exchequer, had succumbed. This week the Home Secretary revealed her estuary english for the benefit of Laura Kuenssberg on the Sunday politics show. Must be proximity to the Great Sir Keir Wood as they all scramble tonsils to Get the London Look. There are some people, abroad people, foreigners, like, who think that London is synonymous with Britain. And that at Christmas, it snows there. 

This is almost entirely an invention of Hollywood and snow machines.

You know, impossibly beautifully people, inappropriately dressed for the weather, licking fake snow from each other's bits. Or killing each other with extreme violence. 

Did you see Black Doves? Yes, I did, too. Maybe you can explain to me why it was that the assassin who had broken into Keira Knightley's house to do bad things, tamely walked into her garden shed to be shot because Keira didn't want to disturb her husband and children. If I was the assassin I would say go on then, shoot me in your kitchen, and by the way I'm going to scream very loudly unless you let me go now this minute and then you can explain to your husband, the Defence Secretary, that you are a secret undercover mercenary spy being run by Sarah Lancashire - her off Happy Valley - and  that you kick ass, run about in high heels and stay out all night covered in blood.

Sorry, got distracted. Back to the former Ice Pixie. My word, but she loves being called Home Secretary. She sort of purred when Laura addressed her as such. Maybe its because its been a long time in the coveting. Whew, got there in the end.  Back in 2013, mr ishmael told us this about her and her hubby Ed Balls:

Yvette Cooper
Job: Chief secretary to the Treasury
Salary: £141,866
Total second home claims
2004-05: £19,428
2005-06: £14,234
2006-07: £15,995
2007-08: £12,219
Ed Balls
Job: Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families
Salary: £141,866
Total second home claims
2004-05: Not elected
2005-06: £13,618
2006-07: £15,979
2007-08: £12,219
At the time of the MPs expenses whitewash, these two cunts were also claiming £400 per month for food; Mrs Ice Pixie, the thieving fucking bastard, wants to be home secretary, whilst the fatman wants a full run - denied him by Alastair Darling - at being the banksters' friend. How dare they show their faces?

and on 4/01/2016:

 Leader of the Official MonsterRavingToryLabour party,  and commons' veteran, Mrs Ice-Pixie Balls, 

Shall I claim for lunch, doll, or shall you? 
I know, let's both claim.

said: in all my years of fiddling parliamentary expenses, flipping homes and betraying the core values of this great party, for which I have sacrificed so absolutely nothing,  I have never heard of Tories actually being in  my party, although they didn't actually need to be. Not with  us being more Tory than them.

Well, Balls didn't achieve his political ambitions - maybe his criminal record got in the way: he admitted using his mobile phone while driving during the 2010 general election campaign. In June 2013, he was fined for going through a red light. He admitted speeding in April 2013 and on 5 August 2014, he was fined £900 and given five penalty points for failing to stop after a car accident. He said he knew that the cars had touched, but did not stop to check. He now appears regularly on the telly as a genial, jovial presenter chappie on Good Morning Britain.

The expenses scandal didn't hold his lady wife back from achieving high office - well, it doesn't seem  to have done any of the troughing MPs any harm in the long run. mr ishmael wasn't exaggerating - if anything, he held back. Here's what they did, the honourable Balls-Cooper couple: In September 2007 it was revealed that they used MPs' allowances to help pay for a £655,000 home in north London. They bought a four-bedroom house in Stoke Newington, and registered this as their second home (rather than their home in Castleford, West Yorkshire) to qualify for up to £44,000 a year to subsidise a reported £438,000 mortgage under the Commons Additional Costs Allowance, of which they claimed £24,400. Both worked in London full-time and their children attended local London schools. Balls-Cooper claimed that "The whole family travel between their Yorkshire home and London each week when Parliament is sitting. As they are all in London during the week, their children have always attended the nearest school to their London house." Balls and Cooper "flipped" the designation of their second home three times within the space of two years. In June 2008, they were referred to the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards over allegations that they were claiming expenses for what was effectively their main home in London. 

Get the London Look.

D'you know, sometimes I cannot believe that the Prime Minister of Great Britain is Sir Keir Wood, the Chancellor of the Exchequer is Rachel Wood and that the Home Secretary is Yvette Wood. Have we all slipped through some portal into a wholly improbable universe?

Right. 

Doing her best to impersonate a serious politician, Mrs. Yvette Balls, proud Londoner (she was born in Scotland, you know), tried to answer Laura Kuenssberg's questions about what she was doing as Home Secretary. I did nod off a bit, but the gist went like this: 

Laura: How are you going to keep our children safe from online child abuse?

Mrs Yvette: Its a moral question you know. There's an online safety bill.

Laura: But what will you do?

Miss Yvette: We will ask the platforms to take down inappropriate content. It is a moral question.

Laura: And what will you do if they don't?

Ms Yvette: How the fuck should I know? I'm only the pretend Home Secretary. Ask me something about flipping houses.

Laura: The Southport killer had the Al Quaeda training manual on his computer.

Mz Yvette: Well, that's bad. We're going to ask the bad people to stop doing bad things.

Panel: Boo, Hiss. We want a Special Department to catch bad people. Bad People don't care about moral questions. They care about profit. Take their money away. Have a Review. Stop the illegal migrants. Have another Review. 

The Panel were great. Fraser Nelson (he's from Scotland, you know), formerly editor of the Spectator, before he was given the heave-ho to allow

 Michael Gove (he's from Scotland, too) a job, was on it. There were also a White millionaire and a Black woman of colour. Neither of them was from Scotland, but Laura Kuenssberg certainly is.

Following Laura, Martin Geissler on his Sunday Politics show, told us that Scotland's NHS was given £618 million for health and social care. They didn't advertise this, but the Institute of Fiscal Studies discovered it. The SNP refused to appear on the show to admit they had this money and say what they would do with it, so Dr Sandesh Gulhane, a Conservative MSP and Doctor, appeared instead to tell us that the SNP would fritter it away, waiting lists wouldn't reduce, and there are too many managers and too many vacancies and that as fast as Scotland trains new doctors and nurses, they bugger off to England. Not just doctors and nurses, Sandesh - so far in today's post, we've noted that Yvette Cooper, Laura Kuenssberg, Fraser Nelson and Michael Gove are from Scotland. In the week we admired Tony Blair and Gordon Brown Memorialising Baron Punch Prescott. They are from Scotland too. In fact, there's very few people left in Scotland, as they've all gone to London to avoid the snow.

Does nobody care that the Russians have been cutting the undersea cables again? The Silver Dania, with a wholly Russian crew, was detained in Tromso and boarded by Norwegian police on Thursday. This is the second ship named by investigators as involved in cable cutting  - Finland separately seized a Russian-linked oil tanker after a cable connecting Finland and Estonia was cut. There has been a series of power and telecom cables damaged, but suspiciously little reporting of it in the British press. It is almost as if there has been a news embargo - no, surely not? 

NATO has deployed a small flotilla off the coast of Estonia to guard  undersea cables. The operation is called Baltic Sentry and the flotilla consists of  a Dutch frigate, a naval research ship, and a German minesweeper.  Commander Erik Kockx, the Belgian head of a mine countermeasures task force that is joining the Baltic Sentry, said the flotilla will only grow in the future. Could we ask nice President Trump to help? 

Well, there's your news round-up, ishmaelites. I don't have to mention the Oaf Andrew, because we're out of space.

Don't forget your copy of one of the four splendid anthologies of the writings of mr ishmael and stanislav, the young Polish Plumber. Or buy the set as a luxurious indulgence for yourself or as a gift for a broad-minded friend. The anthologies have been compiled and produced by editor mr verge, the house filthster, in answer to the appalled and bereft reaction of ishmaelites to the passing of mr ishmael in January 2020.  

You can buy the Quartet from Amazon or Lulu. Here's how:

Honest Not Invent, Vent Stack, Ishmael’s Blues, and the latest, Flush Test (with a nice picture of the late, much lamented, Mr Harris of Lanarkshire taking a piss on a totem pole) are available from Lulu and Amazon. If you buy from Amazon, it would be nice if you could give a review on their website.

IIshmaelites wishing to buy a copy from lulu should follow these steps 

please register an account first, at lulu.com. This is advisable because otherwise paypal seems to think it's ok to charge in dollars, and they then apply their own conversion rate, which might put the price up slightly for a UK buyer. Once the new account is set up, follow one of the links below (to either paperback or hardback) or type "Ishmael’s Blues" into the Lulu Bookstore search box. Click on the “show explicit content” tab, give the age verification box a date of birth such as 1 January 1960, and proceed.

Link for Hardcover : https://tinyurl.com/je7nddfr

Link for Paperback : https://tinyurl.com/3jurrzux

https://www.lulu.com/shop/ishmael-smith/flush-test/paperback/product-9yjvn7.html?q=Flush+Test&page=1&pageSize=4

At checkout, try WELCOME15 in the coupon box, which (for the moment) takes 15% off the price before postage. If this code has expired by the time you reach this point, try a google search for "Lulu.com voucher code" and see what comes up.

With the 15% voucher, PB (including delivery to a UK address) should be £16.84; HB £27.04.