This is the story of the Tranny who came to tea.
Once there was a little girl and her name was Sophie.
Sophie and her Mummy were in the kitchen when there came a very loud knock on the front door.
I wonder who that can be, thought Sophie;
it can't be Daddy because he has his own key and would just come in.
It might be the man from Amazon.
But usually he just leaves the parcels in the rain, to get damaged.
And it can't be the au-pair, because Mummy sacked her for in-in-in-a-something behaviour with Daddy, inappropriate, that's it.
I wonder, thought Sophie, who can it be?
And so Sophie went to the front door and standing there was a great big hairy, ridiculous, perfumed, made-up Tranny.
Well, thought Sophie, this must be one of those great big hairy Trannies which Radio Four says I must respect and look up to; I'd better invite him in.
Do come in, sir, she said, politely.
Oh, but Sophie darling, said Mummy, he's not a he, he's a she.
I mean she's a she, even though she looks like a he.
Good afternoon, sisters, said the great big hairy Tranny,
I've just dropped-by for some GirlTalk.
But you're not a girl, hissed Sophie, somewhat Trans-incorrectly, you're a man.
No, darling, said Mummy, that's very Transphobic of you.
Very what, asked Sophie.
Very naughty, very very naughty, said Mummy sternly.
And if you don't immediately apologise to the nice gentleman, I mean lady, you will go and sit on the Naughty Step, until you learn some manners.
But Mummy, said Sophie, he's a big ugly man, anyone can see, he has stubble, and an Adam's thingy, and he's wearing a wig and his hands're all rough and his feet are too big and he's just perfectly horrid.
I am so terribly sorry, sir, I mean madam, said Sophie's Mummy to the apparition at the door.
Thassalright, luv, said the big, hairy Tranny, only I cooden 'alf manage a cup a tea, an a siddahn, me plates're fuckin' killin' me.
Plates? Said Sophie.
What does he mean, Mummy, plates, his plates're killing him?
Plates a meat, dahlin', said the great big hairy Tranny, feet, it's lorrydriver's rhymin' slang, wot we use in the trade, like, plates a meat ryhmes wiv feet, whistle and flute ryhmes wiv suit, apples'n'pears ryhmes wiv stairs, geddit? An' Berekely 'Unt, ryhmes wiv......
Never mind, I think we understand, said Sophie's Mummy interrupting.
What the gentleman means, darling, is that his feet are hurting.
What the gentleman means, darling, is that his feet are hurting.
But you said he was a lady, said Sophie, somewhat mystified.
Well, of course he's a lady, don't be so difficult. I mean, of course she's a lady. And a lady in distress. And we must all do what we can to help, we are all women together.
Gawblessya, Mrs, an' I fink the problem's these fackin' six-inch stilletos, fair cripplin' me, they are. You int gorra paira flatties I could borrow, 'ave yer, luv? Worracould try-on? Jus' till I sort meself aht?
And so the great big. hairy Tranny came into the house.
He went up to Mummy's bedroom, and he tried-on all of her shoes. And he tried on all of her underwear, all of her lingerie, and all of her frocks.
And he tried-on all of her business suits, all of her ear-rings and necklaces.
And then - and he said this was the best bit - he made Mummy apply to his stubbly face, all of her make up - lipsticks, powders, eyelines and mascara.
And then he danced around Mummy and Daddy's bedroom , on his big feet, pouting hideously, squirting himself with all of Mummy's perfume, singing, I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty.
And after he'd left, Sophie and her Mummy tidied-up and then went online to Amazon where they bought some larger sizes of underwear and replenished all of Mummy's perfumes and make-up. Just in case the great big hairy Tranny ever called again.
But he never did.
A few days later, though, a social worker called and took Sophie into care and the police arrested Sophie's parents and charged them with raising a child contrary to the provisions of the
(Protection of) TransGender LorryDrivers Act, 2016, commonly known as the Dave'sRight2BeSusan Law.
Sophie was adopted by a gay couple, under the Sir Elton John HeteroBashing Act and her former Mummy and Daddy went to a Transphobics' Correction Prison for a very, very long time.
And serve them right.
Night-night, children.
