TOMORROW'S TODAY PROGRAMME, TODAY.

Good morning, the time is ten minutes to eight and this is John Humphreys, off MasterfuckingMind and that other gobby cunt, the one who was in America. Yesterday's Jock Herald reported that the Coalition was hoping to axe the free milk given to children in nurseries; Nick Gimp, you're Deputy Leader of this shower of clowns, what are you playing at?

It's these infants, you see, John,  no increase in their productivity, all they wanna do is play. And drink free milk. Only it's not free, is it? This is the myth of NewLabour. The one Old  Party. Oh,  yes, I know, I used to say there were two old parties but that was before I saw how much money the rich people need to make up what they've lost, so much money that we must now reverse civilisation itself,  and I learned that two old parties,  like the Tories and the LiberalDemocrats, do, in fact, make one new party. Which is what I came into politics to do.  Reform it by being the same as the rest. Only worse. So you can't catch me out on that one. Or is it two?

I wasn't trying to catch you out. I was just asking what sort of a public school shit steals milk from babies?

But the myth, John...

What myth, are you stealing the babies' milk, or not?

The myth. That you can have free cock, I mean  milk. It's things like free milk that have wrecked things. Generations of people growing up thinking that it's ok for their kids to get a third of a pint of milk free. Every day. It's not popular,  what we have to do, taking the milk off the infants and giving the money to rich people, to encourage them to stay here and not pay any tax, like the ultimate wealth creator, Mr Murdoch,  does, or is it doesn't  - (sings) does he do or does he don't pay taxes - but somebody has to do it. And it's what I came into politics to do. Not be popular.

And you are succeeding very nicely, everybody hates your guts, the voters, the Tories, even your own party, who're all joining Labour.....

I know, yes, and the sooner infants learn that there's no such thing as free milk, the sooner we can get them into productive work, up the chimneys, down the mines. Do we still have mines? No? Jolly good thing. No mines means no miners to disagree with govament. And that's what I came into politics to do. Stop people disagreeing with me. Because, you see, John, I-Know-Best. One day I say one thing, the next day I say the opposite, it's what we need in this country, me.

Mr Gimp, thank you.

It's eight o clock and that was Mr Nicky Gimp, MP, former leader of the ToiletParty and the so-called Deputy Prime Minister, only he doesn't, deputise, not ever. As if. Mr CallHimDave may be a jumped-up, coke-snorting,  inbred, moron fuckpig but he's not about to put the Gimp in temporary charge of anything,  other than soundbites.  In fact,  Nicky's the Coalition's version  of John Prescott, the last govament's caricature of a working man, only in Nicky's case he's kind of the Cottager's conscience,  cheesy, purple knobs through the gloryhole and a bit of quick, anonymous coalitioning, in a tradition going back to, well, Sodom and Gomorrah, if I'm not mistaken. And now,  Thought For The Day, with the right reverend Michael Portillo, Bishop of the Gentlemen's Toilets in Westminster Palace and Broadcasting House.

Thank you, John,  and I agree with everything you say, except more so. The Coalition, you see, is proper grown-up politics and what this country has been crying out for, ever since Mr Twigg kicked my Andalusian arse out of politics  -  did I mention I'm half-Dago? - forcing me to work formally, rather than informally, as we all do in govament, for Mr Murdoch..  Did any of you listeners see my most excellent TeeVee series, the one with people, well, wankers, really, having dinner with me? And close-up shots of people chewing and wiping grease from their chops whilst comparing me to the Enlightenment - did I mention that I'm half-Jock?  It really was the most jolly good stuff, it's what I came into TeeVee to do,  be filmed eating and speaking with my mouth full and I can't understand why it isn't on the Dave channel, along with Mr Clarkson driving cars sideways around corners with smoke coming from the tyres, week after week, year after year, saying OhMyGod, this is the best car in the world, and Aren't poor people shit, worse than the fucking Archers,  if you ask me, TopGear, even if Mr Clarkson does write, if that's what you call it,  for Mr Murdoch, like everyone who counts,  that Hammond chappy, though, he's a bit of a twink, a little minx  if I'm not mistaken and he could grease my conrod any day.  Do I mean conrod? Or is it cockrod? And my railway series should be a must for petrol heads,  or is it steamheads, it's a bit sort-of Fred Dibnah Gets Elocution Lessons, except that, unlike Fred, I know fuck all about railways, or anything to do with working for a living. But yes, as I was saying,  Diane Abbott,  people's princess,  or black people's princess, anyway - (makes gorilla noises) No, no, only joking, thought I was back in the Thatcher cabinet for a minute there, not that I ever did support apartheid, well, only publicly and that doesn't count - people think she's like a lot of frustrated domineering mothers and just a bit of a faghag, really,  and that's just what she is, frustrated? sometimes I think she's gonna poke my eye out with all that arm-waving stuff, but  no, we do go back a long way and I suspect, if I'm not mistaken, Andrew, whoops, it's not Andrew, is it, silly me, I suspect,  John,  that she'll go back a bit further. It's just that her fees for TeeVee and those shit articles she writes about being a  single black mother will go up a bit and nothing wrong with that.  People have really no idea how hard it is living on a couple of grand a week  and the proceeds from a second home bought by the taxpayer but pocketed by the member. Especially if, like me, they are living a double life.  Costs you twice as much, stands to reason. It really is a disgrace,  the idea that you can do public service without getting rich,  and I wouldn't even dream of going back to it, politics, even if anybody'd vote for me, which they wouldn't, specially not Tories.  But I simply say that now is the time for all of us in politics or in skymadeupnewsandfilth, like me, to set aside our differences and show these babypeople who's boss.  Was it not in the gospel of St John, that Jesus said Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me And I Will Steal Their Milk and Give It Unto The Usurers?  The mess is over, go in peace. Or, as in my case, go behind a wall of minders,  so's nobody can ask me why I don't come out. Did I mention that I was half-gay? But only half........

And now, the prime minster, Mr CallHimDave, on the row simmering between himself and the Paki bloke. What's going on, are youi two still throwing poppadums at each other, or whatever they are?

Well, John, and this is very important for your listeners to understand, we may be in a coaliition but I'm in charge, that's what I was elected to do, or is it be, in charge, anyway. Even though I wasn't.  And that's why, when Mr Murdoch, one of my very first visitors,  came to see me in  Downing Street, which, John, I would just like to point out, as it's very important that your listeners undestand it, I do not share with Mr Gimp, who lives, actually, in his own special cage in the basement, where Mr Snot used to burn all the money, when Mr Murdoch came to give me my instructions he came in through the back door. Now it's very important that your listeners understand that this is not because I didn't want anyone to know that  I was grateful to Mr Murdoch for his support of me in the election, even though it didn't work, it's because he's a very important man, creates a lot of wealth for himself and his family and if people saw him coming in the front door of Downing Street they might very well say Isn't this   the horrible fucking bastard who has coarsened the entire media and doesn't even have to pay any tax because he can blackmail anyone ever likely to be in a position to make him pay it and so they don't. Make him pay it, that is. But instead say, Oh Mr Murdoch, if you will let me prime minister I will do anything you ask. So, lets be clear about this from the outset: I am prime minister of the UK, sort of, thanks to Mr  Gimp and I remain so thanks to Mr Murdoch, although no thanks to the electorate, so it is obviously of paramount importance that he be allowed to come in and give me my instructions in private. It's not popular, but it's what I came into politics to do, suck Mr Murdoch's knob, rather as though I was actually a LiberalDemocrat and not a Tory, which I'm not, not so's you'd notice. Anyway,  there,  now that's cleared-up, once and for all. And as for Mr Ali Baba and his forty thieving relations well, lets be very clear about this, Mr Ali Baba has duly bought the Pakistani presidency just like his wife before him did, before he may or may not have had her killed and he bought it quite openly with some of the billions he embezzled from his  country and which was probably given to the country in the first place by us, or rather, John, by your listeners,  and so it is very important that we are absolutely clear about this, Mr Ali Baba is a very rich man indeed, richer than me, even, and as such can do no wrong really, in our eyes. And so we have sorted out our differences which, in any event and lets be quite clear about this, I only made up to impress the Indians, - d'you know they believe in reincarnation and they let the old Aberdeen Angus wander all over the house shitting on the carpets, all sorts of mad shit like that, worse than bloody socialists they are, Indians -  and look forward to his family - and mine- staying in power and getting richer and richer for, well, forever, really. Look, it's what I came into politics for, it's what everybody comes  into politics for and while it may not be popular for rich people to cancel the poor kiddies' milk it is absolutely the right thing to do, even though it is indefensible, rather like Mr Ali Baba and his ghastly fucking son, the arrogant little cocksucker, being groomed like an English gentleman at Oxbridge, all the better to go home and oppress the people of Pakiland. Or wherever.  We simply must tell despots all over the world that Britain is open for business. Send us your verminous offspring and we will make gentlemen of them; look, it worked for me, and Hizzonner, the mayor, my cousin,  Bo-Jo, from gangster to political gangster in just a generation or two..

Mr CallHimDave, if I may interrupt you,  I'm  hearing from one of your ministers that you are not, after all, going to steal the babies' milk, on the grounds that it would make the Coalition even more unpopular than it actually already is...?

Well, that's exactly as  I said, we are not going to refocus the milk money, as I always said we wouldn't. What sort of people do you think we are?  It's a tough job,  changing my mind all the time,  but it's what I came into politics to do.

That was the man who thinks he's prime minister. Business now, with Robert Peston...

Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeaghhhhhh, nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaggghhhh

You what??????

Weeeeeeeeelllllllll, Barclays Bank nyeeeeeaaaaaagh nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Thanks, Robert,  and now here's Lord Melvin Bragg with news of some self-important bollocks he's gonna be whining about after the nine o clock news;  Melvin?

Yes, my guests this morning are all immensely clever, none of them is less than an emeritus professor of some bizarre shit or other, most of them are Nobel Prize winners and I'm in charge of all of them. Yes me, Mr Fluffer of the Arts World. No business like show business, John,

Quite.

On the World At One Martha Kearney will be asking Why Is It That The People Saying We are All In This Together Are All parliamentary Reptiles Or Employees Of Skymadeupnewsandfilth On A Minimum Of A Hundred Grand A year And, Therefore,  Aren't?