Friday, 20 August 2010


Peace and Love, man, said old-age pensioner and one-time drummer in a beat group, Mr Ringo Starr, only not to  Liverpool council. Mr Starr,  aka The Luckiest Stupid Person In The World, is enraged at plans to demolish his childhood home.  I mean, man, like, it's a drag, they wouldn't go to Stratford and knock down Shakespeare's gaff, would they?

“Ringo Starr lived in other houses, but he was only born in one. If it's knocked-down – even if it is moved – fans all over the world are going to be up in arms. They will just not understand how Liverpool can carry-out this kind of cultural vandalism.” Said Beatles fan, Mr Terry Fuckwit, 72, of the Dingle.

Starr, who has homes in Los Angeles, Monte Carlo and Surrey, and also claims to live  with his friends all aboard, in a Yellow Submarine, when he is not drying-out or in a drug rehabilitation unit, has expressed his dismay at plans to knock down his childhood home and has also said he is opposed to plans to relocate it to a museum.

Speaking in 2007 he said: “If you want to see where I come from, it's no good putting me in the Wirral. It only works, as far as I can see, if it's there (Madryn Street)."

The former fab mopster said there were no plans for a Beatles reunion concert to raise funds for the preservation of his birthplace. It'd be a bit hard, like, what with half of us being dead  and me not even being the best drummer in the Beatles. And, anyroad, the council should come up with the money. Don't they know I'm a legend of Liverpool, even if I am as thick as pigshit? I played drums on Sergeant Peppers, well some of it, the bits Paul didn't play, or John, or George.

I love Liverpool so much that I couldn't wait to leave it, so there's no point asking me to  stump up me hard-earned dosh  to preserve this dump. But the people of Liverpool, they should well,  dig deep and sort of Love, love me do.

Aboard his personal jet,  former premier, Mr Tony "Bloody" Blair, strummed his Prime Minister's Edition Fender Stratocaster,  E5-A5-B5,  the chords to one of his favourite Beatles' tunes, Gimme money, that's what I want, that's what I want, that's what I want, that's what I want, that's what I wa-a-a-a-a-a-an't, yeah, that's waht I want.  Well I did what  I could for Mr Starr, I extended the length of copyright, in the hope that he, like my other chums, Cliff and Barry - or is it Robin Gibb- would, y'know, offer us a free holiday, play the white man, sort of, and he frankly hasn't, so I simply say to the peepul ov Britun, fuck him. Maybe it's because he didn't write any of the songs, that he's pissed, kind of like Gordon Brown.

From the next airborne stateroom,  a harsh Liverpool accent scraped across the former prime minister's musings; Will ya fuckin shuddup in there, wack, I'm tryin' to get me beauty sleep in 'ere?

Sorry, Imelda.


Dark Lochnagar said...

Excellent, fuckwit. Ringo, not you!

Dick the Prick said...

I genuinely read in Scally all the way through. Cheers, man.

jgm2 said...

Hmmm. For luckiest stupid person of our times You'd have to step up a couple of leagues from rich musician to George 'Dubya' Bush. I mean if you're going to luck-in on the coat-tails of a McCartney/Lennon songwriting phenomenon it still leaves you several play-off rounds before you get a lucky 6th round draw with Prmier league incompetent jackass George Bush or Gordon Brown. Luck-wise.

Doesn't it?

We are in a black hole of idiocy Mr Ishmael. Between Blair/Brown/Bush and Greenspan we are at a crossroads in the recorded history of incompetence and idiocy. We have Nero, George III and now the Age of Idiocy.

100 years from now this era will, in all seriousness, just as the first World War's 'Race for the sea' or the 1960's 'Race into space' be defined as the 'Era of Idiocy'.

call me ishmael said...

Fuckwit or not, I think that probably more women still wet their sixty-year olds' knickers for Ringo than they do for Dubya and that many historians would see the Beatles' phenomenon as entirely benign, although I do agree that someone who can pull off that nine-eleven shit like he did has to have more than his share of luck, as well as a population consisting largely of imbeciles. But then Beatlemania was a bit like that, Stateside, lunacy.

You should not, I suggest, be so entirely pessimistic; whilst this is the Age of Ruin for many, the young, those not celebrating, today, their often worthless A levels, despairing their parents' despair for them, reading their parents' scripts, at Blair's shitty promises being lies, the young people who foregather, instead, flash-mobbed, at G 8, 20 whatever it is, they march to a different drum, they might have something to say about their times, predicated on stuff we've never heard of, much less thought about. Just a thought.

I can write redneck, mr dtp, wish I could write Scally.