Thursday, 26 August 2010


In Something's Burning my Highlands neighbour, Mr Bob Dylan, has it that charity covers-up a multitude of sins;   I agree, charity is like a foundation, a panstick, without which the great and the good dare not be seen in public,  their role, as well as insulting our intelligence and avoiding there taxes, being to dragoon us into giving to "their"  charities;  there has never been so much  so-called charity, most of it camera-savvy, our most prominent charity bandits gleefully ignorant of the scriptural imperative  that charity, to mean anything,  must be done privately, not in public, for praise, as the Pharisees do;  when you give, chided the Nazarene anarchist, you must be discreet, let not even your right hand know what your left hand doeth. Tell it to Thy servants, Tony and Imelda, oh Lord. For Blair's is Charity's  current, common purpose;  not a quiet, voluntary  tithing, a private, anonymous contribution to the public good but instead an Ugly Rumour, shouted from the rooftops, placed, planted,  headlined by the Team Dipso, Campbell, an act of pure rottenness, no business like showbusiness. This, this showy, celebrity charity-as-PR, this is the way the world ends

There was a great item on Radio Four's Any Answers programme last week.  For our overseas readers, this is a  phone- or e-mail-in response to the previous evening's Any Questions, in which hereditary broadcaster and Trombonist-in-Chief to the Prince of fucking Wales,

Jonathan Dimbleby, exchanges pleasantries with a quartet of the great and the good,  loosely framed around the issues of the day, a platform for all five to show-off and for a tame audience to pretend not only that there is Democracy but that it is taking part in it.

This week, Dimbleby was absent, maybe off walking or painting or doing something apparently worthy, with His Grace, Charlie Bonehead, maybe persuading dumb nobodies how it was really in the national interest for Camilla, FagAsh Lil,  the horsefaced, royal shagbag,

Queen Camilla, does a lot for charity.
As well as being married to one.

actually to become Queen, after all, and his role of Chairman, Principal Toad and simpering I-Know-Best busybody was filled by Mr Eddy Mair, off the PM programme, a different sort of broadcaster,  who probably isn't even on nodding terms with his Serene Idleness or his baggage.  One of the questions put by the stooge-audience related to Tony and Imelda's magnificent, highly publicised charitable gesture in bunging a few quid to the cardboard soldier  executive at the  British Legion.  A comment, one of several on the topic, on the following day's Any Answers, was from a lady of sixty-five, one of those BabyBoomer lasses who will ever sound like she was seventeen.  Eighteen years, she said, she had waited for a Labour government, and then she got, well, we all know what she got. Tony Blair was a coward and a traitor and a war criminal and a liar and a bully and a liar and a bully and a liar and a bully.  But what about his donation to the British Legion? Her parents, she replied, had both been active in the British Legion, she had always supported the British Legion.  Until now.  They should rip up his cheque,  It was disgusting, the Legion. How could they do it? Blood money. She could never support it again.

Just an ordinary woman of the kind who used to be called middle class, Dimbleby would have cut her off, after the barest possible airing, he didn't get where he is, Rimmer Pursuivant to His Highness,  by probing too hard at the status quo but Mair encouraged her, actually seemed to be, as I was, hurting on her behalf, at her innocence being assaulted by institutions in which she had always believed. It's probably on the iThing, she was the first or second caller to Any Answers;  hers was the voice of Decency ruined, of Charity affronted.
Bob "Charity" Geldof is like  a prettier version of the wretched Germaine Greer,  like her, Bob is only able to converse in proclamations, and like her  every aspect of his  worthless life is  a must-read,  a publishable fascination;  Bob's  bratspawn, Peaches, is  a testament to his lousy parenting his rock'n'roll gabshite stupidity, Geldof and the rest have irritated many with their posturing, hustling money from ordinary people  and giving it to the Jerks with Mercs, cannibals and playboys,  hacking limbs from their own people, spending charity money in Harrods, Geldof and O'Boneo burnishing, betimes, the images of shitpeddlling cocksuckers like the Clintons and the Blairs and Snotman and Pope Nazi, Nonce-Protector-General. A population unable to distinguish between charity and  self-promotion has elevated  the gobby Dubliner to a position where he consorts with  filth like Blair, wherat each must look the other in the eye and say "Can you believe this shit?",

I'll let you be in my dream, if I can be in yours.

It's roight, we are the world, so we are. 

I'll just leave you with, Gordon, I have to go and collect some money.

Fockin roight, don't we all?

You know, Bob, I suspect that, like me, you are a man of Vaahl-ewes. Were you, by any chance, born in a manse?  I was........

And  as if home-grown hypocrisy were not enough there's that disgusting, oily ,smarmy  bastard, Ali Baba,  from Pakistan and his revolting spawn, being groomed for his place on the Gravy Train of Apocalypse, it's what his madbastard lunatic Oxbridge shrewmother, Benazir Bhutto would have wanted, here he is, hard at his studies.

Ali Baba Junior, Bilawar Zanari, tyrant-in-waiting,
hereditary leader of the Pakistan People's Party.
Dig deep to help his drowning subjects

enjoying a Bullingdon lifestyle - inasmuch as a Paki can, not quite the thing, are they, I mean some of them get quite good degress, but there's always that smell, of ghee -   as his soon-to-be subjects paddle around in shit, dying, his bent billionaire father begging the rest of us to cough-up, he needs his stolen aid money, you see. For himself.

The Brits, it was announced yesterday, have raised thirty million pounds to assist those suffering in this cataclysm, even though, as we mentioned the other day, Bilawar's Daddy could fund all the necessary relief from his back pocket and Christ alone knows how much taxpayer-aid has gone, via Gordon Snot and his mates, into the pockets of  Pakistan's other tycoon tyrants.

All my life people have been giving money in envelopes and collecting plates and now by direct fucking debits and nothing ever seems to get much better. Oh, Tarquin and Jemima go off and do Gap years, slumming, down with the natives for a bit, before they commence their full-time glittering but Live Aid, Oxfam, Christian Aid and the rest don't actually effect any change, no doubt they keep some people alive, fed and watered,  but what about all those they don't? Medecins sans Frontieres, seems like a bold and noble but equally ineffective enterprise.  Is this the purpose of Africa and India and parts of South America, to make charity workers and rich brats and their awful parents feel good about themselves?   We have been doing this charitable, missionary work since the nineteenth century; since David Livingstone we have been exporting good wishes to our brown brother and sisters.  Maybe, in the global village, when many, even deep in the jungle,  can see and hear what's going on, we should leave them to it, let them sort out a system which does not always empower  crooked, greedy, bloodthirsty tyrants. Or die trying, like we have. And may yet again.

Wogan charity fee defended by BBC 

Terry Wogan pictured with Pudsey in 2001
Sir Terry's association with Children In Need going back 27 years
The BBC has said it is "not ashamed" of paying Sir Terry Wogan a fee for hosting the annual Children In Need charity fund-raising gala. Sir Terry, who is the only celebrity to receive a fee, has been paid since he began presenting the show in 1980.
A BBC spokeswoman said the payment was "never remotely commercial" and came from the programme's budget and not from charitable funds.
The veteran broadcaster said: "I would quite happily do it for nothing."
The 68-year-old added that he had "never asked for a fee" for fronting the marathon appeal, which raised more than £18m on the night last November.
Documents which were released to The Mail On Sunday newspaper under the Freedom of Information Act showed that Sir Terry received £9,065 in 2005 for anchoring the seven-hour extravaganza.
The BBC's spokeswoman said the payment was an "honorarium" for Sir Terry's services and had "never been negotiated", but added that it had risen in line with inflation.
"We are not ashamed to pay him and see no reason why it should not continue. If It wasn't for Sir Terry, Children In Need would not be what it is today," she said. 

   A job for life, waffling, with the BBC, has made Wiggy fantastically rich, and now, sure, isn't it only what he deserves,  for sending all these schoolteachers off to work of a morning, filled with the joys of Spring, forgetting that hopefully is an adverb, task is a noun and Wo'ever is not an answer, to anything? Wogan's stupefying banality  is proof enough of the need to privatise the BBC, if people wish to spend the mornings of their adult life listening to this shit, let them buy it from their own pockets, it's junk food for the ears of  docile retards. He's supposed to be retired, now, Sir Tel. Chance'd be a fine thing.  I never asked for a fee,  he explains, blithely,  far too rich to notice the odd nine grand  in his account, far too busy encouraging others to dress-up and get their name mentioned on telly, all for charity. And you know what?  The more money people raise, the more kids, next year, find themselves in need, the more compelling the need for Fiona Bruce to get her kit off. No business like showbusiness.  The question arises, Shouldn't government be doing something to stamp out all this child cruelty, shouldn't it be the number one priority in a civilised society, after the bankers have been paid their bonuses, of course?

This one, below, however, takes the charity biscuit. The NSPCC has an annual income of two hundred million pounds and yet according to it's bumph there has never been so much cruelty to children.  Your two  pounds a month, however, will change all that. No, it won't;  if anything it'll make things worse, a coupla quid, outa sight, outa mind, done my bit, well, don't like to pry, do you, and as for those social workers, well, they take kids away for no good reason at all and then they don't take them away  even when they oughta have.

The boss, or Chief Executive Officer of the NSPCC, Andrew Flanagan, already wealthy,  headhunted from a career in media, is paid more than the prime minister of the UK, with appropriate pension rights' Like the prime minister, Flanagan is a worthless gabshite,  speaking fluent corporate, axing jobs, left right and centre, as he reshapes the NSPCC to face new challenges/adapt to the future/better serve its client group. Corporate charity, one more competitor in the Media  High Street, make you puke, really, these Alpha males, good, swift, rub-down with a housebrick, that's what they need.

This is one of the NSPCC's current offerings. I think it's child abuse, itself, of a sort. How do they make this little boy cry, what do they tell him and what is the purpose of this miniature sopa opera, are we so ruined as a nation, an audience, that we need this emotional barrel-scraping,  to jump-start our instincts? Flanagan is an arsehole but Charity is inhabited by arseholes, seeking to bludgeon us into compliant donation, never telling us what proportion of our two quid a week goes towards executive remuneration, executive pensions. 

Surgery is what's needed, not expensive Elast-o-Plast. Enough, I say, not a penny more.


Mike said...

Mr I: your writing is very depressing. The problem is its 100% on the mark. What can we do?

Like cows, the population has now been reared to be ignorant and subserviant, weaned on poor education, booze, drugs, benefits and debt - the moden equivalents of a pint of gin or a pipe of opium.

Dick the Prick said...

This Pakistan thingy has been having minor consequences for the ruling dynasty; people questioning how come the barrages were shite, not improved, yet money allocated - even drowning peasants know that the cock up their arse isn't a life-jacket.

Within 3 or 4 days of the disaster, after we'd all been asked for cash, that, obviously was priority number 1 - fuck stemming the tide, the tsunami - oh no, they're fucked, just give us your fooooking money. But, on day 4, questions, analysis of how Pakistan's tax system was fucked, that the drowning peasants may have had some rooooppppeeesss in their pockets, weighing them down, dontcha know? Can't tax the despots, the generals, the elite, what's a billion to a peasant? No, the answer is to make the peasant Paki cough up his due - kids, brothers, sisters, parents, grand-kids - 10 a penny - pay your fucking taxes so next time this happens the governemnt can collude & squirrel away more cash, just in case, insurance is only fucking prudent for government to invest in. Fuckers all, and dead kids too, and dead kids always.

PT Barnum said...

I have heard the DEC spokespeople say that donations have been slow in coming because a flood doesn't make for sufficiently dramatic film footage, unlike an earthquake or tsunami. And, grotesquely, there is no doubt an element of truth in that. Gotta have good VT to grip the imagination of the sofa-bound masses. But ssshhhhh, just don't mention that some of those in the mud are engaged with blowing up British soldiers....

And meanwhile, as the meeja exercise their version of Winston Smith's job, Haiti is Old News. Never mind that the NGOs are squabbling amongst themselves, still, or that almost nothing has changed for the bulk of Haitians whose houses remain as rubble and who endure without clean water or power. Can't imagine where all those donations went.

Thradger said...

I would once again suggest that a visit is mage to
in order to check on what money really is.
Then a visit to
for a fuller look at modern corruption and sticky fingered carpet bagging

call me ishmael said...

Aye but those Haitians have a pop star who wants to be their president, don't they? So it can't be all bad. He needs a quick rubdown with a housebrick but then don't they all?

Dick the Prick said...

The 'authorities' told him Wyclef to fuck off as he'd not lived there for, like, ever.

Here's a story

I worked here for 16 monthsish and to me, he just sounds like a cunt as Community Services is the most bloated bit of shite but 'spending more time with me budgies' is a new one on me.

He was a really nice chap though - ex head of maths at the local 2ndary and in no way partisan - he'd happily talk bollox with me but I guess he treated me like a young 'un. The last las who did his job was one of mine who also lived in Todd who had massive health issues but the thought of jacking it in would've been alien.

All life is represented in the show that never ends.

jgm2 said...

Strange provision in a Constitution though isn't it Mr Ishmael? 'Has to have lived the last five years in the country.'

That will have been inserted after some coup or other where the previous incumbent fled (most likely to Florida) and, fearing a popular uprising in favour of the usurped, the coup plotters inserted such an article to prevent some heroic homecoming like the Ayatollah got. Make it all legal-like when they shot the fucker at the airport.

Haiti is like Africa. Gangster after gangster embezzling what they can while the going is good. All observed from their walled hilltop, air-conditioned villas by hundreds of professionally concerned, professionally recompensed, Landcruiser-driving UN appointees.

Make you fucking puke to see it Mr Ishmael. Saw it in Sudan in 1989. Useless cunts.

And that fuckwit Geldof coming down, buying every truck in the place but refusing to buy any spares. Wanted everybody to chuck in all the spares and petrol and everything for free. Meanwhile the Saudi-sponsored Islamic government is deliberately holding up the supplies to the animists in the south. In the sense that they're fucking bombing them from the air.

And we all pretend its a fucking famine. Only now almost 20 years later, now that they're getting stuck into fellow Muslims in Darfur, does the world wake up to what the fuck really happened.

Send your money? Fuck off. We should be sending the poor bastards guns and ammunition so they can defend themselves against their evil fucking government.

Same in Zimbabwe. Same in Haiti.

jgm2 said...

Brilliant picture of Blair BTW.

More appropriate for Brown perhaps. The chap who got himself some happy family snaps outside Belsen.

'Yes, can you just get the 'Arbeit Macht Frei' bit over both our heads like a halo...'


If the army had agreed to napalm a village while Brown was on one of his publicity-grabbing raids in the 'Stan the dumb fucker would probably have requested a photo with him in the foreground. It'd be like something out of 'Tropical Thunder'.

Oops, sorry, wrong setting - can you go around and napalm them?again.

Dick the Prick said...

Dear Mr jgm2

4th October, 12 year olds party? Nah, seriously, man. Fucking too right.

I think there does exist quite a moral vein running through this country. Have you lot thunk about the variance betwixt Le Chink & Le Paki? I have a bit. Pretty litmus shit going on there.

I quite like normal weather crises in this country; sure, they're bad & stuff and folk die but the way no-one gives a shit and gets on with it. Grannies make tea, mums make sarnies, chaps & lads & lesbians get tooled up with engineering shit. The fucking thought of fiscal policy debate in that situation would be aided by the spade being repeatedly twatted round the head.

Very odd. Some dude who has 56 MPs (or whatever) called for a military coup t'other day - seems fucking reasonable!


call me ishmael said...

Don't know if it's just concidence but Hewswank on BBC2 tonight is covering the "direct debit charity" arrangements I mention, specifically how they are arranged by professional fundraisers in return for a fee equivalent to the first year and a half's donation. Some cunt of an executive insists that people who frown at this "aren't necessarily seeing the whole picture." ie, they are stupid. Not a penny, don't give them a penny, ponch them in the fucking gob, if they approach you. Apparently they target people and present themselves as if they are from Oxwank or whatever it is, not revealing that they are just a private company, playing on people's good natures.

lilith said...

Yes Mr Smith. Sweet young things got me DDing to Greenpeace and the the Red Cross. Feeling guilty because I just cancelled my sub to the RC (Greenpeace sub long since cancelled)because then Pakistan suddenly got major floods. They both got more than 18 months out of me so I guess it was worth it to them. Soft in the head and never agin.

PT Barnum said...

Ah, the chuggers, as they apparently termed (for why I know not). Every week round here, same faces, different t-shirts (NSPCC, Marie Curie, Red Cross, SCOPE), cheery photogenic young folk who seek to banter with you and who prance after you when you (ie me) have scowled and growled at them, sing-songing Cheer up, it can't be that bad. Oh but it can.

PT Barnum said...

Ah, the chuggers, as they apparently termed (for why I know not). Every week round here, same faces, different t-shirts (NSPCC, Marie Curie, Red Cross, SCOPE), cheery photogenic young folk who seek to banter with you and who prance after you when you (ie me) have scowled and growled at them, sing-songing Cheer up, it can't be that bad. Oh but it can.

mongoose said...

And not just those bastards. Dragging the urchins from Cathedral to castle to museum a fortnight back, I was confronted at Canterbury by some wee thing who wanted me to give her near 50 quid to go inside the Cathedral, and then she had the temerity to ask me to sign a tax chit for them and then she added an "annual gift" slip. Fuck the lot of that I thought. Churches have been public spaces since the first one was built. Thieving bastards. Stole the blasted buildings off my Catholic forebears and now want to charge me to go inside.

Needless to say, I paid. Don't want a scene in front of the Japanese tourists. Fuck me, I am become English.

Verge said...

"chuggers" a portmanteau word from "charity muggers", I believe.

Happy memory - strolling with my father in a country town, perky pest in our faces with the good news about VSO. "No thanks," says Verge Snr, "we don't approve of that sort of thing."
"Are you serious? Are you trying to be funny?" From perky pest to snarling bitch in the blink of an eye. Sweet.

PT Barnum said...

I hereby resolve in the future not merely to pass by on the other side as some poor fool is beguiled by the charity muggers but to inform them that the first 12-18 months of their donations goes to the private company employing these perky young people. Think I might bring out the snarling bitch in the perky ones?

mrs narcolept said...

I usually just pretend I can't speak English.

The waifs and strays on pavements and in doorways do often get to me, though. I always think, what if they really are hungry, desperate and alone in the middle of London? I know people say no one has to be, but I'm sure many are.

mongoose said...

Here in Bandit Country, Mrs N, the Big Issue girl is driven to her spot in the rain outside Waitrose. Every morning it is, like clockwork. I am sure that she gets but 10% of her takings, and some gangster bastard loots the rest. I think that the key words with charity are "local" and "cash".

jgm2 said...

Funny that we can all see the good, or rather, lack of good that handing out cash year-in, year-out to folk who could undoubtedly use a leg-up actually does. Some cunt inserts themselves in between and squanders the loot on themselves.

Entire beaurocracies created, utterly dependent in fact, on being professionally concerned and deciding who gets this cash and under what conditions. With the result that these fuckers live their entire lives patting themselves on the backs telling how fucking big-hearted and progressive and 'fair for all' they fucking well are.

Meanwhile, the folk they're allegedly trying to help are still living in the same fucking shit only we're all poorer except for the cunts taking their professionally concerned cut.

Which is rather a metaphor for the last Labour government don't you think? With the added kick-in-the-teeth that your donations aren't voluntary at all. They're fucking well looted with menaces.

Anonymous said...

"Which is rather a metaphor for the last Labour government don't you think? With the added kick-in-the-teeth that your donations aren't voluntary at all. They're fucking well looted with menaces."

Nicely put, Mr jgm,2, though not just a metaphor:

(the source site,, is down at the moment.)

I hadn't realised (as I'm sure you had) until last year that all this sort of stuff had been going on under the New Labour "what's mine is mine, and what's yours and your childrens is mine" Guv'MintCorp.

In our newly and expensively acquired Fake Britain, it looks to me a lot like British fake jobs for British fake charities.