Thursday 11 February 2010

ANOTHER CELEBRITY HABERDASHER DIES


WITH EMILY CLUELESS


AND JON SOPEL



Yes, we're getting news that another one's topped himself and now over to you Jon....

Yes, thanks, Emily.....knitting......sewing....a genius....crocheting..... fashion shows, like Pink Floyd with lacy frills..... ....incredibly shy....but such an extrovert.....Prince Charles.....Lady Gaga....Gorbachev .......who can forget....Old Spice....Maria Callas....Prince Charles....socks......tailoring...Lady Gaga......I'm joined now by Claudia Fuckwit of the Clothes Show....Claudia, what can you tell us......

Thanks, Jon ....devastated....just totally and utterly ...just like competely and totally and utterly devastated, thats all I can say just totally and completely and utterly devastated....you know, just devastated......and of course for his wife and children.....well, I know he didn't....but you know...his creations were his family.....his wooden jumpers....his barbed-wire basques.....just totally and utterly devastated.....and I'm sure I speak for everyone in the world of celebrity haberdashery.

Thanks Claudia, that was Claudia with her reaction to the tragic celebrity death of who was it, now....over to you, Emily.......

Yes, Jon, ....Paris......London.....Milan....cutting....tailoring...a very private man....stunning shows... .Brut.....Kate Moss....he was, in a very real sense, British knitting...I'm joined on the line now by Lady Sir Elton John and his husband Mrs David Furnish...you were his patrons, in the early days, weren't you, Sir Reg and Lady David....?

Well, you could call it that, if you wanna....

Shut up, you slag, No, really Emily, you must excuse David, it's her time of the month.. No we never actually had sex with him but we felt he was one of the family and we're just totally and utterly devastated...just like all the other wankers....it seems so unfair....that celebrities, who have so much, have to die...

Will you be re-releasing......?

Already have, Ducky, it's in the shops now, all proceeds to my personal charity. It's called Candle On The Sewing Machine and it goes something...like....this


Goodbye Alexander McQueen
I hope we can all
Make a few quid
Now that you've topped yourself
It's the least that I can do.......

22 comments:

Dick the Prick said...

Hey ho. Not sure what to have for tea though....hmm...toughie.

mongoose said...

Beans on toast, Mr DtP. That's the stuff that'll stop the tears welling up.

mongoose said...

And the news just said that one in five of our front-line troops (5000 of 25000) are now unfit to serve due to illness or injury. Not forgetting 250 dead in Afghanistan and the near 200 in Iraq.

One in fifty dead; one in five damaged. Now, there's a real tragedy.

mrs narcolept said...

Fair play to him, he was responsible for changing the shape of trousers globally.

call me ishmael said...

Aye, trousers, and their waistings, there's an issue rivalling Vermeer's understanding of perspective; man was a real artist, state funeral at the very least.

Anonymous said...

Who was he?

Anonymous said...

Its all too much too soon. Not so long ago Isabella Blow style icon and hat desgner ( no don't laugh honest a fucking hat designer) popped her clogs leaving millions of the buggy and flip flop brigade queuing up every Monday morning at the Post office for their beer tokens wondering where the fuck do I get my hats designed now? Now this, it is understandable though him mum snuffed it and with him being only 40 who would bring him tea and toast in the mornings now?
No doubt a fund will be set up to remember whotshisname to keep style at the forefront of peoples minds as they face redundancy and eviction as who would want to stand in the road wearing God forbid clothes from M&S while thugs with the relevent bit of paper to show they are licenced baliffs are throwing you stuff in a skip. Perhaps this fund could be supervised by the 80's "style consultant" Peter York

call me ishmael said...

Can't add to that, mr anonymous, save to say that "fashion" and all involved in it are the grossest, most cruel example of GlobaCorp's policy of planned obsolescence, guaranteed dissatisfaction; that so many are freaks and degenerates seems entirely appropriate.

Dick the Prick said...

On Toady this morning they said that everyone has clothes that were inspired by him. At which point I checked out my walk in cedar closet and inspected my 2009/10 autumn winter collection and I can confirm that they were right. Those grundies with the indelible curried skid marks have about them the flamboyance of McQueen and his loss shall be like a light going out.... oh fuck this.

Anyway - tea update - cold chicken and crusty roll with a choccy fudge milkshake.

call me ishmael said...

Good to see you taking care of yourself, mr DTP.

I, too, dressed with greater than usual care this morning, almost an act of worship, it was.

The Brahan Seer said...

total pants! who gives a shit?
headline banner in the cronocles of ruin 'another one bite the dust/pillow*' (*delete as applicable)

mongoose said...

Tsk, tsk, Mr DtP, you should boil your delicates with greater care. A drop of Jeyes fluid in the pot and simmer on the Aga for an afternoon. That will do the trick.

Oh, and Agas are green this season, dear.

call me ishmael said...

Ezcept that it does matter, mr brahan seer, as it reveals the priorities of Power, aristos and showbiz freaks and other trash coming out of the woodwork, devastated about this poor fucked-up pansy, whereas they wouldn't give a flying fuck about a factory closing or an Afghani village being wiped out.

It's not his pansyness that irks, if it's cool with him, it's cool with me, rather, it is the grossness, the phoniness, the complete worthless ephemerality of the whole fashion shebang which irritates and depresses me, although not as much as it irritated and depressed he, one of its leading lights; they should all reflect on that, never mind wanking themselves silly over absurd frocks and dresses.

call me ishmael said...

If you kept up, mr mongoose, instead of listening to abcient Bob Dylan materiel, you would know that Agas are Rayburns, this season.

richard said...

a suit, white shirt, and tie; work uniform; jeans and a jumper; motorcycling kit. i seldom encounter a difficulty in selecting the appropriate attire and have little use for gaylord rocket science.
could this manufactured strident obsession with woofterish trivia be deliberate? does it tie in with the alleged feminisation of males by chemicals in plastic food containers?

call me ishmael said...

Don't know about "alleged," mr richard. Male cosmetics sales have rocketed, haven't they and wasn't our former premier seldom out of make-up - the 24/7 media, y'understand?

Dick the Prick said...

Dear Mr Ish

Perhaps he realized that his trade was vacuous, relatively pointless and populated by gimps of the lowest order. Whilst many think politicians are the shit upon one's snakeskin shoes perhaps as they link to something noble (however tenuous), something of importance, they are protected.

This week has been a funny 'un really. A lad came in to see me on the 21/01 with what I thought was non payments of benefits for 4 months because he missed an appointment due to a heart attack followed by a double bypass - decent reason all in all. It turns out that his estranged missus has also prevented him from seeing his kids and I only found out about this on Tuesday when he burst into the Kiddies scrutiny panel (which thank fuck I was attending) and managed to calm him down with fags & tea. But it's that kind of work that can help keep politicians sane perhaps - the nuts & bolts, the bread & water - at least every once in a seldom while we can (me, through the delegated office of the elected peeps) affect change.

But fashion?!? Fashion - you don't have to be a drugged up, shallow, vain effeminate narcissist but it sure fucking helps and perhaps this lad - this insecure, damaged, world weary lad just didn't have any character reserves to draw upon when his old dear died. Maybe his old dear was a staunch Catholic as my mum has always said if I top meself then she'd kill herself too (bitch) or maybe he was just a bit of a knob.

I genuinely am a bit sorry for the lad but, as your above thread so graphically points out - grand scale of things, we've lost a dude who made nice socks.

DtP

richard said...

Mr Ishmael, no doubt it's easier to fleece the Shitzu than the wolf. not "alleged" then.
this being the case, management of society has to be deeply sinister, pervasive, and effectively masked by illusion. ie the supposed incredible importance of dead gaylords and shagging footballers.
however, if you protest about the face behind the mask you get kettled and assaulted by PC Bigfucker (if you are a small female)

call me ishmael said...

Roger, wilco, over and oput on the life and times of Lee McQueen, another one of Sorrow's children, cruelly named gay.


2...management of society has to be deeply sinister, "

I do believe it is, maybe, even, that those managing are cnvinced that theirs is a benevolent tyranny, an only means to manage and sustain such large numbers of headbangers - or individual consciousnesses, if you like - and that national government is a thing of the past.

If that is the case then those who blog Vote Tory or Vote UKIP, those who feel that banishing Snotman is the answer are worse than stupid, for those amalgams of ambition, greed and degeneracy will only offer a poisoned chalice of a different flavour; the only hope is to ditch these outdated party arrangements and seek a chosen or elected senatorial citizenry, not entirely elitist but maybe a bit elitist.
Mr TDG would have some illuminating thoughts, I'm sure, on the benefits of elitism but he seems to have disappeared, disappointed.

Your suggestion mr DTP that contact with harrassed citizenry keeps MPs in touch with Reason fails, I think. The late Lord Tony Banks of Colombia confided after his elevation that he detested his crummy constituents and their shitty problems, What, for fucks sake, did they think he was, a fucking social worker, the irony, of course, was that Gobby Banks had not even the skills or the worth of the most junior social worker, just an irresponsible mouthy cunt, like you'd slap, down the pub, good for fuck all.

Given, also, that so many of them are on the government or opposition payroll, busy reading shite and preparing shite speeches, they will have scant time for constituency matters, leaving them, most probably, to lesser forms of life, like yourself, to mediate.

If you give them any quarter, allow them the benefit of the doubt, the fiercer, the more pungently they will shit in your face; so said stanislav, the young polish plumber, and so it is. As we have learned to say: Up, all of them, against the wall, motherfuckers.

Anonymous said...

fashion" and all involved in it are the grossest, most cruel example of GlobaCorp's policy of planned obsolescence," You can say that again. The shoe or more to the point the trainer industry is in Indonesia the last time I was in the UK some nitwit said how much did I think his trainers cost? Try £150 to which I said you could have bought a decent pair for that sort on money, clothes manufacuring is relocating from here in Thailand as the "wage rates" are too high to Cambodia and the workers paradise that is Viet Nam and China. The poot sods that are churning out this crap live in workers barracks usually on the manufacturing site, food and accomodation is of course deducted from the huge salary they get every month sometimes they don't in that case fuck off.
Which brings me to "Fair trade" I live in the frozen north of Thailand where a Canadian company operates when you read their website you want to write to the fucking Pope and ask him if there is any chance of making these paragons of virtue saints before they actually snuff it? If on the other hand you see what they do you might change your mind. They employ women all over northern Thailand making handnkitted sweaters all for export as there is not a lot of demand for them here. Most work at home or in the case of my better halfs relation at her home. I can speak Thai one day I asked them how much they thought their products sold for they said about £20 they get about £7 per garment I didn't have the heart to tell them try £200 plus. There is an inspection depot and shipping facility here in Chiang Mai the standards are high any faults are corrected and the worker is charged for the repairs. Recently my wifes relation who has invested a lot of money in trying to make her business more profitable was told by these saints in Canada to fuck off, my missus can speak English and has a nice car so she was asked by her relation to visit the new source of sweaters so if you can't dazzle them with brillience baffle them with bullshit. Came back with the tale that all the women there were illegal immigrants from Burma working for even less than the Thais are and that is saying something but hey its fashion so who gives a fuck?
Sorry to be so long winded but it gets on my tits whenever I read about some fucker designing a dress being elevated to a person curing a disease, if my memory serves me right one of these walking clothes horses said she would not get out of bed for less than £$ 10,000 which begs the question how much does it cost to get her in it in the first place?
On a lighter note you can get "designer" clothes here for a fraction of the price than in the UK go to Burma even cheaper.

Dick the Prick said...

Fair point, well made - obviously got Fridayitus. Booze in hand, people going down icy hills on tea trays to look forward to; house brick ready for twats at door touting for punters.

Hope you & yours have a splendid weekend.

call me ishmael said...

Just off to see The Pirates of Penzance, down the local fleapit; considerably less villainous than Fashion Canada, thanks, mr anonymous. And they act soooo righteous, don't they, Presbyterians a lot of them, those who aren't embittered frogs. I was there, once.