ESTHER, FORCES SWEETHEART

Ms ESTHER RANTZEN.

Well, Jonathan, and I agree with all the other members of the panel, except that I'd like to talk about myself, now that I'm a politician and people in my constituency tell me that it's time I did something Rantzenish. And that's just what I'm gonna do. No, I'm not gonna show you my thing, I mean my thong, however (ghastly, nightmare, coquettish grin-cum-snarl) much you'd like me to. But instead I'm gonna do something which showed just how wonderful and caring and suited for Power I am. Listeners may remember...

If you could get .....

....no, Jonathan, I am, really I am, and let's face it, I did run the most successful television show ever, for forty years, so I'm sure I can hold down this little slot, here, on Radio Fuddy-Duddy, without boring too many of your one-foot-in-the-gravers......

........to the point

.........and so the thing is, that, you know how we did KidsLine, or whatever it was, and immediately stopped all forms of child abuse, or at least got my picture in the paper- still does, actually, from time to time - and gave the little darlings something to talk to strangers about, on the phone, I mean, does it matter if it was true, it's the kids who matter here...

.....if you would just

......and so I thought I'd do the same with the boys - and maybe the girls, but I'm not too sure about them, bit butch, by all accounts - out there in Kuwait, or wherever, and that I could be their sweetheart, I could be there, on the end of the Troopsline telephone, I mean they're not all gay, not even the First Batallion, The Queen's Own Nancyboys, and maybe they'd just like to talk privately to a hot-blooded, mature woman who knows what makes men tick and who might be able to offer them some relief from all that dreadful stress, I mean seeing how they're fighting and dying for us I could do them at £1.50 a minute, Troopsline With Esther, the Forces' GrannySlutBint....

.......shut the fuck up.



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